She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

My wife and i have been married for 17 1/2 years. We have two beautiful daughters age 14 and 4. Last April my wife began to become distant towards me. In May she informed me that friends of our had told her they had noticed us treating each other different. We seemed to be more rude to one another and bickered more. She also told me that people were complaining about my sarcasm, and didn't want to be around me. She was very angry at me for this, and blamed me for our friends no longer wanting to come around. At first I was very defensive when she told me this, but I started to think about it and wanted to change my ways. I began working on myself, and even started going to counseling. However, she remained distant and in her shell unable to forgive me.

In June I was asked to deploy to Afghanistan. I asked my wife how she felt about this, and she thought it would be a good idea because it would give us time apart. I agreed to go on the deployment to give her space. Things were ok, but she was still in her shell. In August I left for training and everything seemed ok. I came back for two weeks in September, and she pretty much acted like I wasn't even there. In October I left for three more weeks of training. The previous two weeks weighed heavily on my mind, and we argued on the phone most of that time. Prior to leaving for Afghanistan I went home for a week. This week at home was fantastic. We did things together, wen't to lunch and dinner, movies, talked, and were intimate all week.

Then I left for Afghanistan. As you can imagine being away from your family is difficult. I missed them very much and called and expressed that often. I'm a very insecure person who leans on his wife allot for support. I had the capability to call her anytime I wanted to, but she requested I call Wednesday, and web cam on Sunday. At first this was very difficult to follow. She was still very supportive to me even when I called out of cycle. Eventually she would get angry when I called and would even ignore me if it wasn't on our agreed days.

Sometime in December I questioned the fact that she had stopped saying she loved me anymore. At that time she informed me of some frustrations and changes she wanted me to make, and that she would consider leaving me if I didn't make them. I immediately stared making changes. I began talking to the chaplain regularly, reading self help books, web sites, forums, you name it i did it. My years of negativity turned positive.

things were going really well. I was talking only positive things to her, and i was sticking to her phone arrangement. One Wednesday after our conversation she commented how nice of a conversation it was, so we talked for another hour. Sunday after we did web cam, she told me she had something to tell me, and she dropped the bomb. She acknowledged the positive changes i had made, but she said she was tired of trying for 17+ years.

I was absolutely devastated and blindsided. She also told me that she had gone to see an attorney in June about getting a divorce, and he told her she was undecided and needed to go home. I did everything she asked me to do, and yet she still decided she wants out. However she's agreed to marriage counseling when I return, but she doesn't want me living in the house while we do it because of the tension it may cause for the kids.

We have had a very good marriage, with flaws of course, but she never expressed the majority of the complaints she's coming up with now. She is a woman and has a great memory, so she's going back to the beginning and picking every negative thing I've done. I can't seem to do anything right in her mind right now, and unfortunately I'm 8000 miles away and can't do a thing.

My wife is a wonderful woman. I love her with all my heart. However she's always had the ability to be very nice or very cold. She's stubborn as all get out, and is unable to forgive. She harps on past issues, and will never let you live it down even after you think the issue is dead. she also said she let me go to Afghanistan to give her time to think, and because absence makes the heart grow fonder, but she doesn't miss me and she doesn't look forward to me coming home like she did after my last deployment.

I myself am very insecure and require allot of attention. I can totally understand her being tired. I've never been controlling, but my trust and jealousy issues have kept her from doing some of the things she wanted to do. Things i never knew about because she never told me. we have always been each others best friend and told each other everything. Now she says she's tired of me always using her as my crutch.

I'm trying to hang on to the strand of hope that she's willing to do counseling. I also hope that the reality of me being in Afghanistan in a war zone has helped do this to her. Hopefully once she sees me and can see the changes first hand, we'll be able to begin the marriage repair. Being over here and having to go through this is the absolute most difficult thing I've ever been through.

Sorry this has been such a long topic, but theres allot to share. I have more to add, but this is a good start. I still hope we can repair this. we still converse on Wednesday's and Sunday, but we don't really discuss the situation, except for where I'm going to stay when I get back.

[lostnotgone]

tbart01,
First I want to say THANK YOU! Thank you for serving our country!

I am so sorry that you find yourself here - I found myself here not too long ago when my H told me he was not "in love with me anymore" after 20 years of M and 3 kids.

Suggest that you continue to read though this website and get some advise from folks that have been here awhile. There are some postings in regards to being deployed that I have seen. I know being so far away you have feelings of hopelessness. My H is only 2 miles away and it feels like he is 8000 miles away. You have to hope and focus on what you can change about yourself. Keep changing - and this is the hardest thing I am doing now - detaching. If she expects you to call on Wednesday keep the conversion in regards to your children make it short - be up beat! Change your mindset about yourself -- you ARE a strong person - a weak person could not do what you are doing in Afghanistan!

Hang in there and there is A LOT of support here.

[robx]

you're going to stay at home when you get back and sleep in your bed, that will be your first order of business.

The next time you talk with her, you agree with everything she says, even if she attacks you, don't defend yourself for now, it will be hard to do but just go with it and agree,
example "you weren't a good husband to me"
you reply "you're right, I was probably the worst husband I could possibly be"

"you were never there for me"
"you're right I agree, I wasn't there for you and I should have been there, I've messed up everything"

"we should split up and stop living together"
"I agree when I get back, I will help you look for a new place and help you pack your things if you want that help"

"I want you to move out, not me"
"I can see how you would feel like that but since you don't want to be married to me maybe it's best you get a fresh start and move out, I like my home and you still living there will probably just remind you of me and the horrible things i've done as a husband"

Get in the habit of using what they say, agreeing with it and their feelings (which are against you) and don't defend yourself. It takes alot of practice so start now but by not defending yourself in the argument, she has nothing to fight against, if anything when you say you were the worst husband, she'll probably say something like "you weren't THE WORST husband, you just did things that hurt me" and again you reply "you're right, I can see how that would bother you so much"

And don't offer to fix anything.

Let go of being insecure and needy, it's what has gotten you here and time to turn that around.

[tbart01]

robx I t's so much easier said than done. I still hopes of fixing this thing because the issues are repairable. I have been owning up and agreeing with all she says. She has agreed I can stay in the house, but she'll stay somewhere else. She never said I couldn't stay there, just not with her. I agreed to stay somewhere else because I've been gone for the past 6 months, and i feel if we tag out it will be best for the children. the friend I'll be staying with lives right around the corner, so I'll be near my kids. Remember, she has at least agreed to marriage counseling, so there's still some hope. I know I haven't been perfect, no one is, but I also know I've been a pretty good husband.

[jasper67]

And don't offer to fix anything.

Let go of being insecure and needy, it's what has gotten you here and time to turn that around.

Thank you for your service!!

Rob knows what he's talking about- if you follow his advice you are sure to not make things any worse...keep posting here and give us updates.

[robx]

robx I t's so much easier said than done. I still hopes of fixing this thing because the issues are repairable. I have been owning up and agreeing with all she says. She has agreed I can stay in the house, but she'll stay somewhere else. She never said I couldn't stay there, just not with her. I agreed to stay somewhere else because I've been gone for the past 6 months, and i feel if we tag out it will be best for the children. the friend I'll be staying with lives right around the corner, so I'll be near my kids. Remember, she has at least agreed to marriage counseling, so there's still some hope. I know I haven't been perfect, no one is, but I also know I've been a pretty good husband.

you want something she doesn't want,
she doesn't want to be with you anymore but you continue to communicate that you want different, you want her, you want your marriage, so all she is hearing is "me, me, me, selfish me"

Of course it's easier said than done, everything in life is easier said than done.

Stop following your feelings and what you feel is right and start following reality and doing what's right.

It's counter intuitive but until you get it through your thick skull, you'll keep dancin' the "limbo" dance.

Sorry bro, have to be honest with you plain & simple.

You're pursuing your wife while she is trying to get away from you and the marriage and that's the quickest way to chase her away.

[robx]

robx I t's so much easier said than done. I still hopes of fixing this thing because the issues are repairable. I have been owning up and agreeing with all she says. She has agreed I can stay in the house, but she'll stay somewhere else. She never said I couldn't stay there, just not with her. I agreed to stay somewhere else because I've been gone for the past 6 months, and i feel if we tag out it will be best for the children. the friend I'll be staying with lives right around the corner, so I'll be near my kids. Remember, she has at least agreed to marriage counseling, so there's still some hope. I know I haven't been perfect, no one is, but I also know I've been a pretty good husband.

smarten up, being kicked out of your home is the first thing that shows her you're not a strong man.

Stay in your home, it's ok. You're allowed.

Nearly every guy on this site moves out hoping that it's the "right thing" to do, you are using your feelings to dictate your moves, instead of following reality.

Counter-intuitive, I would rather you not repeat the same mistake most everyone else makes but if you feel better go ahead, learn from others and save yourself time and effort or learn from your own experience and waste time & effort and everything else that goes with that process.

[tbart01]

I know the right thing to do is to stay in the house, and make her leave. Her suggestion was for her to stay in the house during the weekends and could stay during the week, and occasionally swap. I need to stick to what you say, but is that fair to the kids? Remember, I've been gone and they're used to their mom.

[tbart01]

I'm afraid that if I go to the house and she leaves then it will ruin any chance of reconciliation. I'm afraid if I play the mean card then she'll not want to do marriage counseling. I still have hopes of being able to repair this marriage, and that's what makes it so hard to make the living arrangement decision.

[Greek]

I'm afraid that if I go to the house and she leaves then it will ruin any chance of reconciliation. I'm afraid if I play the mean card then she'll not want to do marriage counseling. I still have hopes of being able to repair this marriage, and that's what makes it so hard to make the living arrangement decision.

Tbart ~
Stop being afraid of what she'll do or won't do. She is divorcing you. Take that head on. If you want any shot at saving your M, stop being afraid of her and do what works.

First of all - listen to Robx (unless he tells you to go on a date - haha!).

Second - doing what FEELS right in this case will actually BE wrong. The measures you will have to take at this time are counter-intuitive, but effective.

Third - you write that your W is a wonderful woman. And I believe she is. But she is divorcing you and divorce is not nice or wonderful. If you continue to operate in the nice world, she will - not MAY - WILL run all over you. She's already trying to call the shots. Really - she's going to tell you when you can and cannot live in YOUR home?

Push back and claim your manhood. You won't believe this but ... she wants you to do that.

"W, I know that you want a D. I don't. You need to know that I will do everything I can to protect myself and my family while you pursue this."

Interview attorneys for yourself. She has. You would be CRAZY not to.

Is she having an A?

Greek