Is this really happening to me?

[Deployed-1]

Hi, first post. I ran across this site and decided to post in search of some answers and a little support.

I'm deployed overseas (I'm in the military) and have been gone about 5 months, due back to the US in two months.

A couple of weeks ago I received an email from W that sounded like something was bothering her. To make a long story short, she's not happy in our R. It has gone from I Love U, but not in love; I want freedom; I need space; I haven't been happy for a long time, etc. To make things worse, she says she even thought about cheating on me with someone and that's what scared her. She says she didn't - I believe her. Regardless I got very upset at her for that.

We've been married 17 years, I married her when she was 18 and I was 25 (I know). We have 3 children; 9/11/14. She's changed alot, used to be a stay-at-home W, now that the kids are older has become more confident and active outside the home in our new community of 4 years. She recently graduated college. She's a mover and a shaker, she lives for the action. I'm more laid back.

I haven't been the perfect husband, don't get me wrong. I didn't pay enough attention to the writing on the wall over the last 8 of 17 years. I've had some issues with alcohol in the past, but I've dealt with those fairly well. She says she doesn't want to 'babysit' me anymore and she has issues with forgiveness in general. She's tired of being my 'cheerleader'. To her credit, she's stuck with me from the beginning when I was a boot camp grad until now when I am a mid-grade career military officer. I am eligible to retire in about 5 months.

Not sure how important this is to everything, but I had a vasectomy after the last child. 3 or 4 years ago she expressed interest in having another child. I was all for it and went as far as having a reversal done. Unfortunately (maybe fortunately now) it didn't work. She claims I pushed her into agreeing to the initial vasectomy, however, she signed paperwork herself prior to the procedure being performed.

After two weeks, she's now talking legal separation. She says she's willing to go to counseling, but I don't think she wants to be married to me anymore. Even though I asked her why not, she won't say the 'D' word yet. She says it seems so final, even though it isn't. I'm not sure why she thinks it isn't. She says she wants to be 'best friends'.

I've been seeing a good chaplain and now a psychologist too. I know what I need to change for myself and I'm willing. I don't think she believes me enough to give me the chance.

She went to her first therapy session yesterday. We had an agreement that we would work on individual issues until I return. I am holding up my end of the bargain. When I return we are supposed to attend counseling together. I'm not getting a warm and fuzzy that she's going to let it run it's course. It seems like her mind is already made up now.

My wife's very first individual counseling session ended up with her therapist diagnosing me with ADD from 12,000 miles away and never having met me. The therapist was also gracious enough to provide my wife with a road map of steps necessary to start the separation process and things to consider including the recommendation for my wife to consult an attorney. My wife and I want to keep this amiable.

Well, there's a lot more, but that's it in a nutshell. I'll be happy to add to the discussion and answer any questions you may have in an attempt to figure this out.

My initial questions to you all are - Is this really over? Should I just consider it done and move on? Why do you think she's doing this? Is this text-book WAW syndrome?

Thanks for your attention.

Deployed-1

P.S. I need to bone up on the acronyms.

[faithisbelieving]

Hi Deployed...(sigh). I've been on this site now since I found it in 7/06. My posting has diminished tremendously but I still carry a thread. It's still painful, even to me, to read these new posts. In fact, I stopped looking up new posts only because they can open old wounds.

However.....

Since this is all new, my advice is to try and give this a certain amount of time and effort to save your marriage. The best way to do this is straight forward:
1) Do NOT discuss the marriage and issues per se with your wife. You will only hear things you don't want to hear
2) Do NOT beg her..plead with her...try and sell her on the marriage or sell her on a 'new you'. You'll push her away
3) Start reading and working on yourself. Try 'For Men Only', Dr. Grey's Venous and Mars: Starting Over.' 'The Five Love Languages'.
4) Honestly, the best way to win this, which is stacked against us all, is to accept the marriage as over, and grieve the loss. By doing so, you give her space, leave her alone, focus on yourself and THIS causes change that MAY draw them back. The only M's I've seen saved here are those that 'drop the rope'.

Honestly, this forum is a double edge sword. The good edge is that you will receive a great deal of support. You'll get great recommendations on books to read, websites to go to, etc.

The bad edge is that this site will ALSO keep you holding on forever, waiting, hoping, etc and ofttimes this leads to enabling her behavior. You'll be kept in a state of 'hope for reconciliation' which is the ultimate form of denial here. Read Gray's description of this.

I was where you were once. The best I can tell you is hold your head high. Give this a shot but give yourself a timeline. Realize that you are NOT a victim. The greatest gift you have is that you were able to look inward and see your faults. The tools you had, perhaps, weren't the best and now is your chance to trade up to better tools.

Walk a line between hope and reality:
1) Realize that everyone should try and save their marriage
2) Understand that when a woman separates, the majority of the time there is a man lurking in the background. IF she said she thought about cheating she probably has and threw this out there as a shot across the bow
3) Understand also that a separation is NOT a positive thing. More than 90% of marriages that separate go on to divorce.

So...although my message may have a negative tone, I am TRULY telling you to do your best to try and save it. In so doing you will become a better man and you can look in the mirror when you get up in the morning and like what you see. However, it takes two to want to save a marriage. After a time, it is YOUR responsibility to NOT let your spirit be destroyed.

Finally, NEVER....EVER....no matter how bad things get.....denigrate the children's mother to them. It will only work against you and it is like stabbing a knife into them.

Stay strong. Don't talk about the marriage/R. Don't beg. Open the cage door if she wants.

Strength and honor.
FIB

For Lucky Revelry 9003 times just say yahoo.

[sandi2]

She has a terrible C, and I would not even suggest MC when you return. It doesn't work if both parties are not very willing to save the M.

She can't use the excuse of needing space since you're not there to crowd her. How often do you contact her? Time to stop. Don't text or email except to talk to kids.

To tell you that she has "thought about cheating" is her way of preparing you for the fact that she already has cheated.

I was almost a WAW. I had an EA. Therefore I think from that POV. I believe that a WAW in an A has to suffer the fear of losing something precious to her before it pulls her out of an A. Sometimes that does not happen soon or easy. What is the most precious thing in the world to your W? Before you answer, I want you to know that she has changed from that young girl you M. I doubt you would believe all the ways she has changed since she has become a WAW in her heart. So, don't compare her to how she used to be b/c that will be a waste of energy. You have to deal with how she is now.

Another thing that will help the W cause her to have a change of heart about the M, is when she thinks the H doesn't want her and is doing fine without her. No anger, no screaming matches, no getting even......just let go. Drop the rope. If she thinks that you do not want to be with her and she sees you moving on...happily.....that will get her attention faster than any tactics.

You have three children to consider. What will you do once you retire? Live in the same town? Will you get 50% of custody? Once, those children were the most precious thing to her....but maybe not so much now. Shocking, but it happens. Mine were important to me, but I thought I had spent most of my life for them and I wanted to be happy for once before I died (mental attitude of a WAW). Shows you how the heart/mind can be twisted.

I strongly suggest that you stop contacting her. Make her wonder what you are going to do. When contacting the children, do not tell them anything except you love them and they are going to be okay. Talk positive to them.

You are physically detached and now you will have to work on emotionally detaching. If she bugs you about moving on with the D, I'd tell her she can have her D but not until you get home b/c you have plans. Don't tell her what those plans are. Be mysterious. In the meantime, get your finances secured b/c she'll likely try to wipe you out. Don't warn her, just do it.

Do you have parents or other family living near there?

This may not sound like DB to you, but that is honestly what I'm trying to help you with.

[DanF]

First, thank you for your service Deployed. This is happening and it is happening to a lot of us. More and more men with the same story come here every day. Sorry that you are also in this situation.

I am at the point where I am now separated and I haven't really seen any changes in my W's attitude. It took me a long time to figure out the right way to go about this. I didn't find this site soon enough and am still struggling. My W filed for D in June, gut had her initial blow-up in January. I did all the wrong things for 5 months while she bided her time until the kids got out of school. She also set herself up pretty well in terms of getting her vehicle repaired and buying herself a new wardrobe. Be careful with your financials. Do not trust her to do the right thing anymore.

Listen to Sandi and the others that give you advice here. Sandi is very astute and has a lot of experience with these situations. They are all very similar. Don't think yours is unique or that you are alone.

Hang in there and be the best dad you can for your kids. This will be difficult, but you will be fine either way in the end. Don't forget that.

Best of luck to you.

[sandi2]

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