Yeah, they could ban every last one of us with differing opinions, and then things would be... homogenous anyway
To me, based on my own personal experience and the experiences of a few others, there are two equally fatal mistakes that people can make when their marriage is in a serious crisis (as in basically over):
1. Adopt a fatalistic approach and say, "This is done, and it will never change, and everything happens for a reason, and this is so over and broken it can never be repaired no matter what".
2. Adopt a "bo peep" attitude of denial: "They really love me, but they are lost in a fog, and that's why they are divorcing me and screwing other people, but someday the fog will lift", and unfortunately, when you tell people there may be hope and that the future isn't written yet, they are likely to hear it as "just go into denial, and everything will be OK. After all, an alien took over my spouse, and now they are lost in a fog", but all I have to do is wait and act as if everything will be OK, and it will be.
For me, and this is personal, there was no real detaching really happening until I acknowleged the reality that my wife just didn't love me, and then I stopped waiting for something to change, stopped trying to manipulate the outcome of any of our rare interactions.
That's when it hit me that I am going to be OK, and her problems weren't my problems, and that's when I was able to let go so that it was up to her what to do, and you know what?
She decided to win me over. Who'd a thunk it, eh?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Excellent words my friend and I couldn't agree more. May have taken me quite some time to realize it, however once I learned this lesson, I was much better off.
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Adopt a "bo peep" attitude of denial: "They really love me, but they are lost in a fog, and that's why they are divorcing me and screwing other people, but someday the fog will lift", and unfortunately, when you tell people there may be hope and that the future isn't written yet, they are likely to hear it as "just go into denial, and everything will be OK. After all, an alien took over my spouse, and now they are lost in a fog", but all I have to do is wait and act as if everything will be OK, and it will be.
To think I actually took this approach when I first came here.
I am so glad I didn't last in this "reality'" for to long. Nothing like a little justification for your spouse cheating on you.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
That's when it hit me that I am going to be OK, and her problems weren't my problems, and that's when I was able to let go so that it was up to her what to do, and you know what?
She decided to win me over. Who'd a thunk it, eh?
That's terrific TH! (I assume that she did win you over?)
Perhaps the belief that your W didn't love you helped with detaching, and yet it turned out she did after all. It was the actions, not the beliefs, that turned things around. It sounds like what you did was DB to a T, and it worked.
If you had truly "moved on" then how was she able to win you back at all?
Yeah, they could ban every last one of us with differing opinions, and then things would be... homogenous anyway Adopt a "bo peep" attitude of denial: "They really love me, but they are lost in a fog, and that's why they are divorcing me and screwing other people, but someday the fog will lift", and unfortunately, when you tell people there may be hope and that the future isn't written yet, they are likely to hear it as "just go into denial, and everything will be OK. After all, an alien took over my spouse, and now they are lost in a fog", but all I have to do is wait and act as if everything will be OK, and it will be.
OK, so I actually DO believe my W is in a fog, she really IS doing things she shouldn't be proud of, and I don't think she is happy. I also could see her totally repenting and asking for forgivness or putting 6 months behind her, acting as if nothing happened and slowly coming back. I'll be living in another state and hopefully on my 7th or 8th "rebound" relationship by that point.
So is your point that people must "abandon all hope ye who enter here" or is it that you worry people who have hope just sit around waiting and not GALing. Cause I have hope, but I'm also a realist. I also see it as one of those rare opportunities reinvent the parts of me I see as flawed.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
The problem arises when there's a conflict in principles... One method says do A and the other says in the same situation to do almost the opposite... Something's gotta give...
What conflict in principles do you see with this?
I am just saying hypothetically.. that there will be times when one method that is not divorcebusting is in conflict with something in the db text...
It just makes logical sense.. If every other method was exactly consistent with divorcebusting then there would be no other methods.. just divorcebusting with a different label on it.
There are methods out there that dont' advocate the exact same princples... And resolving those conflicts can be tricky...
I don't know what "moved on" really means to others. To me, if you are fuming in resentment, you haven't really moved on. You have put a person in a niche, labeled them, and you aren't open to the idea that people can change (but it doesn't come easy).
And that..., I think, is setting yourself up for a rebound relationship as you carry the weight of that baggage on into the next relationship. Not saying that always happens, but it does happen often.
That's why I prefer to say "letting go". I just let go, and I suppose if things had not changed, then I would have started a new relationship eventually. Maybe, then, you could have called that "moving on"?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
So is your point that people must "abandon all hope ye who enter here" or is it that you worry people who have hope just sit around waiting and not GALing. Cause I have hope, but I'm also a realist. I also see it as one of those rare opportunities reinvent the parts of me I see as flawed.
THE STOCKDALE PARADOX
“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
What happens when you are still sitting there 5 years from now "hoping" that today is the day she comes seeking repentance and forgiveness?
She may not be doing things she is proud of, however you can't know that for sure. She may appear to be unhappy to you, yet skip off with a giant smile on her face once your back is turned.
I never abandoned hope, but on the journey, my hope in him and our M was slowly changed into hope for myself and what I will do in this life.
I am a realist as well and the reality is we only have one life and I choose to not sit around "hoping" that today is the day.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
