what others see as a doormat mentality, we see as a choice to sacrifice for the time to oulast our spouses MLC.
Boundary? You throw a boundary at a MLC spouse and you better be prepared to live up to them choosing to cross it, and when they do and you cannot live up to that boundary, then you loose your ability to threaten them. The boundaries also have to be realistic to the MLC.
Jack Three Beans, thank you for making these points. I have been unsuccessful in trying to get friends and family that surround me to understand anything about mlc. They think I am just excusing his behavior, clinging pathetically to hope, and am a doormat -except for one of my friends who went through it herself with her husband about 10 years ago. Her process lasted a little over a year. Just this past year, her husband surprised her with a vow renewal in Hawaii surrounded by their children. I want to outlast this mlc. I don't know if I will have the same outcome, but I want to try. I want my family to survive this. And, I have made threats to my H over the last few months. I can't keep doing that if I can't see them through. I feel like right now, since he wants to come around and spend time with me and my boys, that I should be pleasant, and see if I can revive some feelings. But, I see there is a fine line that I need to walk, which is very difficult. I can't be so accessible, or too eager. I can't be overly emotional, and I can't be negative. I feel like I have to do all that is unnatural to me right now.
M 45 H 42 married 1997 S 12 S 9 OW 22 bomb July 4, 2010 H moved out Oct. 1, 2010
I would say this to anyone regardless of MLC or plain old WAS.
What are you prepared to do for your M if you are not assured it can be saved?
We take a longer view in MLC because there is no other choice unless you just give up and move on.
I can tell you that the time that you seemingly (to outsiders) are in limbo makes all the difference in the world.
Not to the M.
To you.
Your decision to stand for the M compels you to look inward and face challenges and reconcile doubts in yourself, your M, your spouse, your vows and most importantly love.
It is a choice for YOU in the end even if you start out believing it is for your M.
You CAN do it.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
We believe in boundaries but only after their MLC.
I am interested to see what MC, marriage guru, mental health professional, etc advocates this? It's counter to everything I have ever read and experienced.
People lose respect and attraction for you when they can treat you poorly and violate your principles, values, beliefs and morals and you do nothing. It's not noble, honorable, strong, healthy or wise.
When you step back (detach) and look at your sitch like you are looking in a fishbowl it helps you see your role in the current enviroment. When all the feedback tells you that you appear a certain way and more importantly how you appear to your WAS then the wise men takes the feedback and discerns the valididity of it with a open mind. Having empathy and compassion menas you can put yourself in the shoes of your spouse and see yourself. I want my wife to see me as attractive, wise, in control and taking care of business. I do have control over that because I have learned what women want and how to give it to them.
A women can't feel safe with a man who will let a woman treat him badly and not do anything. She will lose respect and this leads to a lose of love. It's amazing what happens when you set boundaries and call people out on CB. Just try it and follow their actions.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
If one buys an open piece of acreage on the prairie, would he lay out his fences (boundaries) upon taking ownership, or try to later, after his property lines have been trespassed with impunity?
If one buys an open piece of acreage on the prairie, would he lay out his fences (boundaries) upon taking ownership, or try to later, after his property lines have been trespassed with impunity?
Your decision to stand for the M compels you to look inward and face challenges and reconcile doubts in yourself, your M, your spouse, your vows and most importantly love.
It is a choice for YOU in the end even if you start out believing it is for your M.
You CAN do it.
Thank you TG. I am feeling the force of the crucible. I have and continue to examine myself daily. There is much I am working on changing. As far as love, I am questioning that. Why put myself through this then? I don't want my children to experience what I did as a kid. I would fight tooth and nail to prevent harm or pain from coming to them. I loved my husband. The pain has numbed me right now. He seems a stranger to me. When I think about the things he's done, the lies upon lies, the immorality, the pain he has caused our children -I am repulsed. I know it probably sounds crazy to be fighting for him when I am feeling this way. I feel this way inside, yet I think he sees me just pining away for him. I am pining for my family. I hope that one day we both can love again. I hope that one day I can trust him, that I'll have him as my best friend. I can hardly look him in the eye now. Does any of this make sense?
M 45 H 42 married 1997 S 12 S 9 OW 22 bomb July 4, 2010 H moved out Oct. 1, 2010
After my being distant last night when he was visiting, I get a text from him today that said "Hi Honey, I just wanted to say that I love you and hope you are having a wonderful day. See you tonight." This comes just after telling me two days before that he didn't know if he even wanted to stay married to me. His moods change like the wind. I never know which way he'll be coming from. My simple response to his text was "Hope your day is good too." He visited for a short while tonight. As he was saying goodbye, he gave me an awkward one armed hug. But, it's always awkward when he gets up to leave. It's all so bizarre to me.
M 45 H 42 married 1997 S 12 S 9 OW 22 bomb July 4, 2010 H moved out Oct. 1, 2010
