I looked back a month or so to see what was changing when I stopped being an effective listener. It's around the time I told her I was moving out, I was done.
I think that I misunderstood her reaction, and changed my actions because of it. When she was saying "What do you want me to do?" She was really saying that she didn't know what else she could do.
And ML was the single biggest mistake because it was the ultimate in not listening to how she felt, what she wanted. The proof that I was still the selfish guy that she disliked.
I felt like I was more in control then, and probably didn't need to listen to what she was really trying to tell me; just hearing what I wanted to hear.
Hopefully this'll help anyone who abandons some important steps/actions during their DBing.
You are running away when she's point blank telling you what she wants and needs.
You almost sound like you are trying to punish her for not being where you want her to be RIGHT NOW. I see you not getting your way, so you are giving up.
Why do you spend so much time on these boards? Just for $h!ts and giggles? Or to save yourself and your marriage?
I do not see you getting YOUR desired results/expectations met by physically moving out.
And like fb2 said.....You can change your mind.
Anytime you change your mind because of your self respect and your values you do it from a place of strength. That is a good thing and it's going to be hard for her to not respect that decision.
PH, don't move out. And you mentioned dating? In your sitch, you might as well just light your marriage certificate on fire and file divorce. Based on that email from her, you are obviously doing something that is working...why would you sabotage all your hard work now?
I'm not trying to punish her at all. I have no doubt about that today. And I don't feel like I'm running away. I feel like I'm giving myself the space to continue GAL and working on my issues, while also giving her what she is explicitly saying she needs right now.
I'm on these boards to save my marriage. Plus to heckle John when he makes a pinheaded move.
Part of DBing is trying something, watching the results, and when something isn't working, stop doing it. Then trying something else. I see this as more of that. Staying in the same house isn't working right now. It might work in two months; it might never work. But it isn't working right now. She's feeling more and more pressure by my presence. Feeling more and more expectations from me.
If everyone could have heard her voice on the call this morning, how she sounded when I agreed with her, when I said I had a glimpse of how she's feeling. One conversation can change a lot. I might have undone several weeks worth of damage in that one phone call.
And we've both agreed not to date while separated. If I go out, it'll be in groups, just fun, no "dating." Social stuff that I've always felt awkward/shy around.
And I disagree about her email being proof that something is working. I think it proves the exact opposite. Everything I've been doing the last 3-4 has been an abject failure, from a DB standpoint, and from a personal growth standpoint for Pinhead.
And I disagree about her email being proof that something is working. I think it proves the exact opposite. Everything I've been doing the last 3-4 has been an abject failure, from a DB standpoint, and from a personal growth standpoint for Pinhead.
Moderators, please give us back the ability to edit!
This should read as "Everything I've been doing the last 3-4 weeks has been an abject failure..."
