You seem to be implying that my principles, values, beliefs and morals are in question because I'm moving out in a trial separation.
I was not implying anything. My understanding is when your actions fall in line with your principles, values and beliefs, then you are doing the right thing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
(Weak smile). Yah. My H has mentioned similar things about me. It's NOT that you're not the 'sharpest knife in the drawer.' You're just fine. I think that a lot of us women do this because talking is how we process what we're thinking and feeling. Often I'm not sure of my own feelings and thoughts until I can talk them out with my H or a friend.
Originally Posted By: pinhead
It was the fact that she was really clear in what she was saying, and I could actually understand her....
I think that you could really use this fact in future discussions with her. When you feel yourself wanting to invalidate, rather than giving in to it, ASK her if she could clarify what she's saying. Let her know that you're not understanding her but that you really want to (which, incidentally is a very validating thing to say!) That might help get you both into a more compassionate place so that you CAN validate and keep the conversation moving forward.
PS - That brings me back to the point above - if you're the one who's asking her to clarify what she's saying, that will help her out to b/c it will help her sort out what she's thinking and feeling. It's very connecting for a woman, to feel that assistance coming from her H.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I agree here Pin. It was too late when my 1st marraige ended becuase I did not listen to her and she was very angry. I tried like hell and got no response. Sounds like your getting something here and its very hard (I know) to validate by phone. Can you say its a money thing or your concerned about the girls at this time and the signal it would send to them. And than could you encourage her to spread her wings a little?
I think that a lot of us women do this because talking is how we process what we're thinking and feeling. Often I'm not sure of my own feelings and thoughts until I can talk them out with my H or a friend.
Every man on here would be well served to understand this. How does it apply to your interactions with women? How big a role is talking in her decision making? How can a woman be unsure of her feelings yet dish them out like candy at Halloween? How can feeling and thinking be part of the same process? This is part of the "testing" that goes on that is not intentional, it just happens and you better be aware of how it works.
Women lead with their feelings when they are unsure, it's what they are comfortable doing - it works for them. It makes them feel close to whoever is listening to them and providing support to her when she is unsure. Women know their feelings aren't stable that's why they need a man to stand up to their feelings and validate them at the right times.
Quote:
It's very connecting for a woman, to feel that assistance coming from her H.
Create the connections boys, it matters.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach is right. The hardest part in this for me has been listening to my W. My want to yell "you cheated on me"!! But I have to listen to why she had to leave our marriage. It was not OG, it was me. OG was result of her escpape plan. Her S said he was a loser and it looks like she realized that. But since I have listened to her and validated how she felt (before I would Say "how can you think that, Oh thats not right, I did'nt MAKE you feel that way), I just listened and did not defend. Agreed we could communicate better and agreed with her decision to move out. Over the weeks she has come closer and closer.
PIN you have nothing to lose by sticking it out a little longer. Life is short.
Plenty of people leave marriages without cheating.
And whether or not we agree with their reasons, we have to admit, at least they have that much integrity.
Nobody makes anybody cheat. Period. It's a choice, and it involves deception, and many other undesirable character traits.
Above all, it is indicative of somebody with poor personal boundaries.
Now, chances are... if one person in a marriage has poor personal boundaries, you don't have to look far to find another person who has poor personal boundaries in that same marriage
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
are you suggesting pin Stay in the house and continue DBing?
I think that is the more ideal of the choices.
But if she wants him out and he has agreed...IDK
It is certainly easier to show her changes and validate. Also harder to remain detached.
Pin is there some way to communicate that it is not your preference to move out? Without sounding controlling or manipulative?
Remove all your conditions, and see if you can't keep doing what just worked for you?
I think it is really important that you keep showing the new Pin that she started responding to.
She wants you out because she feels pressure.
I asked her point blank if she wanted to divorce me. She was clear in her no. Then I said that I think separation is a bad idea, better suited for dissolving a marriage gradually than in trying to repair it. She said she felt like I was flip flopping, making her into a yoyo.
I don't think I can convince her that one of us doesn't need to move out. I might be able to convince her that it's best if she is the one to move out, but I don't have any compelling arguments except "You're the unhappy one! nanny nanny boo boo." And she'll be very, very resistant, as she's shown in the past.
That might help get you both into a more compassionate place so that you CAN validate and keep the conversation moving forward.