You've been at this too long for very little or no results. ...
If she wants to label what she's doing as MLC, depression, finding herself, whatever, who cares? You can't control her, what she does or says and seriously, you wouldn't want that responsibility of controlling her either, too much trouble and hassle for no reward.
Umm... okay... I totally agree with you on the 'you can only control your own actions' aspect Rob. But this? They've been married for 11 years, and Pin's been making changes since, what, July? Not even 4 months ago!! So trying for 4 months to fix potentially 11 years of distance is "too long for no results"? Good grief, can we give his wife a chance here before we toss her aside and say "who cares" about her?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
You've been at this too long for very little or no results. ...
If she wants to label what she's doing as MLC, depression, finding herself, whatever, who cares? You can't control her, what she does or says and seriously, you wouldn't want that responsibility of controlling her either, too much trouble and hassle for no reward.
Umm... okay... I totally agree with you on the 'you can only control your own actions' aspect Rob. But this? They've been married for 11 years, and Pin's been making changes since, what, July? Not even 4 months ago!! So trying for 4 months to fix potentially 11 years of distance is "too long for no results"? Good grief, can we give his wife a chance here before we toss her aside and say "who cares" about her?
Jumping through hoops and "changing" to please his wife will never work.
It's a hard concept to understand.
Plus, saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" usually means that "I care for you but I'm not excited about you anymore especially since I've had my eye on someone else although you don't know about them yet"
Changing to get a spouse back doesn't work. It's transparent. Why are you changing now? Is it really to improve yourself or is it to possibly get your spouse back?
It doesn't work.
Read every thread on this forum, how many spouses: men or women, have tried to change everything they could and met up with similar results, the WAS's don't respond to change by a LBS when the WAS has decided they want out of the relationship.
Why should they respond to change now?
It's too late.
It's insulting to the WAS.
If a LBS can change, why didn't they change when they had the chance, when the relationship was still intact?
In fact, if anything, changing in hopes of getting your spouse to come back again insults the WAS, it makes them angrier, resulting in a stronger attitude to move on further away.
You may not like reading this or understanding it, but it is reality, you can't fight reality, reality is... reality, it is what it is.
Accept reality, disregard fantasy, do what works, stop doing what doesn't work.
You're right on the money. I've really only been db'ing for two months; with the last month almost the opposite of what I really should have been doing.
I made the mistake of seeing what I wanted to see when I told her I was done a month ago; then showed her that I wasn't done at all.
Moving out will bring a lot of clarity to our situation, at least for me. I don't know what it will bring to my W, and though I hope it helps her to figure out what she wants, I don't expect that. She needs to figure our her own path, like I am with mine.
I'm comfortable with moving out now. Not because I think it will jar my wife, not that I want to date a bunch of available women. But because I'm not going to hang around someone who can't, doesn't or won't be honest with herself about what she wants.
When I was going through chemo, my motto when dealing with BS and CB was "life's too short." Somehow I forgot that when I became healthy. Time to revisit that motto.
If you are doing it because YOU are choosing to move out, not because she is telling you to move out then I am all for it. I just don't want you doing this because she is forcing you out.
I'm glad you remembered your personal struggle, your battle with cancer, the chemo therapy, how hard it was on you and your body, life is too short, it is a precious thing to waste, people who realize that communicate high value, I'm glad you realized this, it's a hard lesson for everyone to learn.
You've been at this too long for very little or no results. ...
If she wants to label what she's doing as MLC, depression, finding herself, whatever, who cares? You can't control her, what she does or says and seriously, you wouldn't want that responsibility of controlling her either, too much trouble and hassle for no reward.
Umm... okay... I totally agree with you on the 'you can only control your own actions' aspect Rob. But this? They've been married for 11 years, and Pin's been making changes since, what, July? Not even 4 months ago!! So trying for 4 months to fix potentially 11 years of distance is "too long for no results"? Good grief, can we give his wife a chance here before we toss her aside and say "who cares" about her?
Pinhead has gone through quite a bit with his cancer treatment, he could have asked the same question to his wife but apparently it didn't matter to her. Communicating to her that it's ok for her to act like this while he places a lot of value in her will in fact push her away - that's just how it works.
When dealing with people that attribute very little value to people that they are entrusted to care for and love, tough love is the way to go, letting them go, moving on with your life and realizing how valuable you really are and that you should let go of a spouse that doesn't value you or the relationship they have with you.
Pin I agree with Robx if you are moving out because YOU are truly done I will support you.
Screw the Crisis/Infidelity parts. Can you look yourself in the mirror and live with your decision regardless of what comes out of this? In other words...can you do this without it being a 'tactic' with a particular result you hope to see or are you doing this because this will be the new PH regardless of what results?
Changing to get a spouse back doesn't work. It's transparent. Why are you changing now? Is it really to improve yourself or is it to possibly get your spouse back?
It doesn't work.
This ^^^^^^ I agree with.
As I have posted to you before. You are a doormat if you think you are a doormat and as long as you make decisions based on a reaction to or inaction of another person.
You will be a doormat. Lost.
You must find yourself. Make decsions based on your core. Then. Maybe.
Your M can be saved.
Choose for YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Pinhead- I had typed up a long response. Stopped. Deleted it. No value added. You got Coach, Robx, Truegritter, Lance...some real heavy hitting advice with a variety of different approaches.
So - why are you getting so much attention. I think for 2 reasons. One is that you have helped many others and are genuine. And secondly, because your situation has a lot of hope remaining. People want a success story, whatever that might be...
And finally, 2 months dude...that isn't a long time. I didn't realize it had only been 2 months. PATIENCE. At 2 months I was still dealing with raging hatred and I was the most dispicable creature on the face of the earth.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Good morning everyone. Thanks for all the input, there's a ton of it. Almost too much to take in, but a lot of it isn't new stuff, just rephrased stuff.
Lance, no one here has advised me to leave my house. The situation in my home had become more than I could handle, and I had decided that it was easier if I just left. Easier... Easier than pushing her out. Easier than filing for divorce and accepting that she just couldn't accept the reality that she didn't love me anymore. Easier...
I have a lot to think about today. What is best for me, for my daughters. Not what will snap my wife out of her "fog," or be the most painless way of coping with our situation.
Robx, you're right about the changes being counterproductive. They're fine if they're for you, but even if they are, the WAS WILL resent them and you. My wife has said so.
I know mindreading is a no no, but what I see in my wife now is guilt about hurting me, hurting my daughters, fear of being on her own, financial fears, fear of loneliness.
Just like me, she has scrambled from solution to solution, trying to avoid the reality that she's no longer in love with me. From taking a week away, to MC, to pimping herself with me, and now to separation. Anything to avoid divorcing. I don't blame her at all, though I wish she was more honest with herself and with me.
I think my decision at the end of the day won't be whether I want to move into my own apartment, but whether I want her to move out, and whether I should file.
