I have been in a self imposed prison for most of my adult life and certainly a good part of my married life. The bars of this prison were made up of
compromising my core values being codependent losing sight of my dreams lowering expectations of myself accepting mediocrity letting life and those around me affect me living life in fear
and finally losing myself in my marriage.
I have been reinforcing the bars of my cell all my life to the point that there was no hope that I would ever break free. I did not see that I was my own jailer, I wanted to play the role of the victim. The bars of the prison were invisible until my W had an affair and the bomb blew away the blinders that had covered my eyes for so very long. I could finally see the cell I was in……..
but felt my W’s MLC had put me there…………I was wrong, I put myself there.
What I can see now, is that my wife’s MLC has absolutely nothing to do with me. In a very strange way, her MLC is what revealed the prison I have been in that I had built for myself.
Over a year ago I found MWD’s book DR and this site and I set goals and started DBing, I made my small goals, my baby steps, tried to detach, failed, tried again, failed, tried again, failed, tried again, failed, tried again, failed……….I felt like I had failed all my life until yesterday. I have struggled for 2 days to write this post and I realize that I have not failed all my life but rather delayed my success.
Yesterday, I landed a job at a time when people are losing jobs and struggling to get by, for that I am thankful and somewhat proud. This job includes a substantial raise and a signing bonus which is going to keep the kids and myself in the house.
This is a pivotal accomplishment for me in that I have felt I have never earned what I am worth. This has been a major source of inner strife for me and it probably manifested itself in my marriage and other relationships. For the first time in my life I feel as though I have stepped up and claimed what is rightfully mine. I did this for me.
Getting a better paying job………….CHECK……goal accomplished!!!!! I set this one so early on in my sitch I had to go back over a year ago in my journals to find it.
I have so many other positive things going on in my life right now, and none of them have anything to do with my W or my M.
My mortgage modification came through and today I sent one of the first of 3 reduced trial mortgage payments after which my mortgage will be permanently reduced. This solidifies another goal of mine that I made over a year ago……
Hold onto the house for the kids and me…………...CHECK………goal accomplished!!!!!!!
As a matter of fact I am sitting on that very patio right now enjoying a glass of wine and thinking, “this is mine and I get to keep it!!!” (Live Little Friday is on in April!!!!)
Keeping the kids lives as stable as possible, keep them in the only home they have ever known, keep them in their schools, keep their friends, hope that they feel safe and secure in their beds at night…….
”there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home” sooooo true.
I am closer to my children than I have ever been before, in fact they were trappings of life before. Embarrassing as it is for me to say, my children were part of the jail cell. You know the whole American dream, cute house, white picket fence, pretty wife, 2.5 kids, dog….etc etc etc………truth be told I was not the best father in the world before the bomb…..infact I was an asshat. I was a fool.
No longer, I have a relationship with my children that transcends most, I hate that it took a family tragedy to draw us into this relationship but FWI, it has…….and I am sooooo thankful.
It fills my heart with pride and joy to hear my friends and strangers compliment me on raising my children almost single handedly.
My children are with me most of the time and I know that is not the case with most H’s out there……I count myself as lucky.
There is so much else that is positive in my life that it really is too numerous to list, but I would be remiss without mentioning the friendships that I have formed here on the boards.
Just last week I had my 43rd birthday and while the people that came to visit me did not initially come to celebrate my birthday, it was just a coincidence. You tend to reflect on life on your birthday and these are the thoughts that ran through my little ole brain……
Chris, you are a lucky man……who else has friends so close emotionally that they are closer than family yet geographically so far away?
Four people I have never met face to face before came from around the world to stay with me in my home…..I only know them here, and on the phone……yet I feel I have known them for all my life.
Words cannot describe my experience of the past weekend, I believe the feeling is shared by the group and words just don’t do it justice. I can say that God has blessed me with these relationships here on the boards during the most difficult part of my life and I was lucky enough to meet some of them in person this past weekend. I am sure they will be lifelong friends, I can’t wait to see them again and hopefully some others too.
I am a very, very lucky man. The blessings in my life are too numerous to count. In the last 5 or 6 days the fog has lifted from my own eyes. LIFE IS GOOD, AND IT IS GOOD TO BE ALIVE. I have been saying that for months now on Little Friday, I can truly say that I am no longer “faking it until I make it” ……….
I made it……..life is good.
I have emerged from my shell, I have wonderful children, I live in a beautiful house, I have a great job, I have an abundance of friends,……….and yes I have a beautiful wife that I do love. I have had many years of happiness with her that I am thankful for. I hope she will join me as I move forward with the wonderful life that GOD has given to me.
Tomorrow is Little Friday, it is a mantra for me and now for many others. Please remember that this life is a gift and only YOU have to power to make that LIFE something to celebrate for YOU, no one else can do it for you, not even your spouse……
ONLY YOU.
Cheers
~Chris
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
FTR...you should never ever comment on the length of my post. LOL
Life is good dude.
Your a good man AND a good friend.
I'll be driving down soon....and dude ya better be ready...Maybe we can get my other brother to come up.
Peace dude - love ya man!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Buddy, you have moved me to tears. I am so grateful that I get to count myself among the friends that got to share your birthday with you. I still don't really have words that accurately describe LIVE LF. To call them friendships almost doesn't cut it ... you guys are more like family. In fact, it reminds me of the quote "Friends are the family that you choose for yourself".
Happy Little Friday Missher, I am so happy for you, I am so grateful to count you among my very best of friends, CHEERS! T
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
You have inspired me to change my attitude. Thank you!
I have been so proud of myself for keeping everything going. But the joy and anticipation have been missing. I'm gonna find it again. (A MLCer's attitude?? Maybe, but I won't destroy anything or anyone in the process)
Please post this elsewhere too!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Congradulation on coming to the other side. Now, it's up to you to keep it that way.
The thing I still see is, you're codependence on your W and W being part of your future. W may never come to the healthy start which you are taking. To some degree you're allowing W to hold the keys to the jail. Do you not believe God has someone else out there whom is as healthy as you have become? How much of your life are you willing sit there waiting?
Life isn't a dress rehersal, you get one shoot to make a difference!
