Well, had a friend over to watch the Packer-Viking game on Monday night. Very exciting game right down to the end, but the good guys prevailed!
Friend is the husband of W's friend whom she told that "it's kind of lonely" living on her own. I guess she also mentioned that she was planning to stay in our house. Her friend told her that she was crazy and that should couldn't afford to stay there. Not sure how she is going to swing the payments, but we shall see. Personally, I think that she is still living a life of delusion.
Apparently my friends W has gotten bolder since I am out of our marital home. Somehow she believes that my W won since I am out. Now, when they argue, she tell him to get out and go and live with me! I advised him to do it. Call her bluff. Cut her off. I told him about this website, but I don't think he has any plans to come here.
His suggestion is that we each get young wives from eastern Europe who will appreciate what we do for them. He figures we can get 10 - 15 good years out of them before they get corrupted by this country and achieve the same level of entitlement thinking as our current wives do, LOL!!! He's pretty funny. I was sure to let him know that I am doing great and told him about all of the fun I have been having. I'm guessing that will get back to W at some point. I know, I shouldn't even care about that.
On another note, I submitted some medical claims to our flex spending account a while back and have heard nothing from W regarding the reimbursement. So, today I texted her and asked if she was planning to keep my $. I thought maybe it would be in retribution for me not giving her basketball and lunch money. She texted back that she would leave a check in the front hall of the house to pick up tomorrow when I get D.
She also asked if I had any keys to the house and asked for me to leave them there for her. I'm thinking that until this is done and as long as my name is still on the mortgage, I should keep a set of key in case of an emergency. Anybody have any thoughts on that one?
I think you are right about the house keys. You still own part of the house. If she's really worried about it, she can hire someone to replace the locks. I guess it's her perogative. But really, what do I know?
So the kids were off of school on Thursday and Friday and it is my weekend to have them. Since I have them on Wed nights, I took off of work on Thursday to stay with the kids until W picked them up after work at about 1:30pm.
She asked me a couple of times what my plans were for the weekend and when I would be picking-up the kids on Friday. I told her I intended to pick them up at the normal time, around 3:30pm. She texted me that she was off on Friday, but that a couple of her friends were coming up (one's she always goes shopping with) and that she would be leaving the house at Noon and the kids would be alone until I came to pick them up. I just used her terms and texted back to her "K".
1) Why does she tell me that her friends are coming that day? Why doesn't she just say she is leaving at Noon. I don't need to know why. Is it just to piss me off beause I them know that she is going out spending MORE money?
2) If she can leave the kids alone for 3.5 hours to go shopping, why doesn she "have" to work part time so she "can be there for the kids"? I'm telling my atorney to bring this one up in court when it is time to talk about CS and maintenance payments.
She took the kids shopping for haloween costumes the other day. Today, the kids told me that she spend $45 on the costume for S. Are you kidding me? $45 for a costume for an 11 year old? I guess she REALLY doesn't need more money. She seems to have more than she can reasonably spend so she had to go blow it on something. This [censored] is just killing me!!
I am having a GREAT weekend though so far, so that is good. Will fill you all in later.
Make sure you are DOCUMENTING everything, esp. the financial stuff. I don't think any one incident will make much of a difference, but if there's a pattern to it, it should help.
I read robx's entire thread today and find it amazing that he was so effective with his DBing once he snapped. It also made me think about some things about myself that don't make me feel too good.
My W had/has complaints similar to Rob's about the way he felt in the relationship, even though he was the one still fighting for the marriage.
"it was never enough to work (part)-time, come home, clean home, do laundry, bathe kids, do homework w/them, make meals, and take care of finances. I won't go back to her always being about (himself), never asking about me, never seeing how I am, never asking about work, never talking to me like a friend, asking me if I need anything, want anything, never a funny joke, never an interesting story to share - (he) gives that energy to everyone else except for me and that is seriously boring & harmful at the same time." But I was always good enough to have sex with.
Now, I didn't feel like I was neglecting her at the time, but reading Rob's post has made me understand that this is also how SHE felt about the MR. Makes me feel lie a real a$$.
"If they do hook up with their spouse again, they'll maintain these "new" behaviors for a limited period of time, get comfortable again and the WAS will leave after they see the changes weren't real."
I have been accused of this situation, where she complained a long, long time ago, before we were married, and I changed for a while, but then everything changed back. Hard to defend myself here, but there WERE things that I did do that she doesn't really give me credit for. Things like home repairs, painting the houses, re-roofing the house, putting in fences, painting fences, building a shed, putting in concrete, clearing trees and brush, mowing lawn, shoveling snow. Most of these things she didn't help me with either, even when I asked. One Saturday I spent the afternoon cleaning the house with her. I asked if she planned to reciprocate and help me pull stumps for an afternoon on the back hill. What do you suppose her response was? "Of course not." Why am I also not worthy of help?
She also accused me of the temper tantum effect, just like Rob's wife. I do have a short temper and when working on projects, I do tend to get frustrated and bitch a lot, but I didn't bitch at her, I just griped and cursed about the project I was working on. Apparently, she found this to be very stressful to her, which I guess I can understand, even if it wasn't aimed at her.
The there were the times when she would turn me down for sex and I would pout and be grumpy to try to get my way, or I would keep pestering her until she gave in. After all, I didn't think it was that big of a deal to give up 20 minutes for me. Apparently, it WAS.
I don't know. All of this stuff makes me feel terrible about myself and that maybe I really do deserve to lose her. Nothing I have done has caused any change in her behavior. Maybe I just need to accept this situation for what it is.
Picked-up my D from school on Wed and S went to a sleep-over b-day party for a friend. No school on Thursday or Friday last week for them. Last time the kids were off it was W's day to have them and she was asking me what my plans were and when I was going to pick them up, etc. I told her that I would pick them up at the normal time. I expected the same from her this time, so I took off on Thursday to spend it with my D until W was done with work.
On Wednesday, I was shopping at a 2nd hand store and bought a Karaoke video game for their new XBOX360, which S purchased with his own money!! D said we needed a microphone for it (Doh!) so we went and got a used one, along with another used gane, after school. Well, we proceeded to belt out songs that night and had a really fun time together. On Thursday we watched some TV together and played a game until W cameto get her. I had made a big pot of chili, so when W and S showed-up, I asked if they ate. S said yes and W said she had a sloppy joe. I offerred her some chili if whe wanted any, but since she hardly eats anymore, she said no thanks. Talked very little while she was there and said bye when they left.
On Friday, kids were off of school again and W asked when I was going to get them. Again I told her that my plan was to get them at the normal time, around 3:30. She said her friends were coming from her hometown and she would be leaving around 12pm, so the kids would be alone after that. These are the friends she makes semi-annual shopping trips with.
I picked-up the kids around 3pm, went home, packed and left for Grandma's! She had made lasagne for sinner and had invited the rest of the family over, so it was my older and younger brothers and my older sister and her husband. After dinner, we all chatted for a little while and then played a game of dominoes. The kids really like that and my sister's husband gave them a set or their own that night. When it got close to their bed-time, I went out for the evening with my brother and a couple of his friends that I also knew.
We went to a few different bars and ran into the same group of 4 girls at all of them. I noticed them at the first bar, introduced myself at the 2nd bar and danced the rest of the night with them at the 3rd bar. They were some pretty cute women too, and I never really dance, so it was very different for me. They were all fast songs, but we still danced very close and I let my hands wander around a bit!! That was pretty exciting for me. It got late and we left and said goodbye to the girls. Maybe I should have tried to get a phone number or something, but I didn't even think of it. I may have to try to look them up again sometime.
On Saturday, we took the kids out to the marsh and climbed a new tower they built there. Only 144 steps, but it was still pretty neat to look around from up there. Took some pictures of the family and then one of the kids with the tower in the background. Texted this to W and she said "cool, thanks".
We then walked around a bit and talked to some fishermen. The kids LOVE fishing, so they were interested in looking at the fish in the bucket. A few pretty nice ones. Had lunch at the restauraunt there and went back home. Then had to do chores for mom. Clean leaves out of gutters, rake leaves, test car battery, etc. Just when we were ready to quit, the kids came out and wanted to help, so we started back up again and let them do some raking and leaf dragging. Kids went trick or treating at grandma's and I took a picture of them in their costumes and texted it to W. She texted back that they looked amazing. Had dinner afterward at moms and played another game of dominoes. We were all tired from the night before, so we went to bed early.
Got up on Sunday, packed our stuff and got out of there pretty early so we could be home in time to watch the Packers game. By the way, the kids packed all of their own stuff, each way, and even put their things AND the suitcase in the car by themselves. That would never happen if W was around. I am teaching them to be self-sufficient and independent, just like I said I would. Kids went out to trick or treat again in my neighborhood and had a great time. They made a pretty big hall. I had to leave for NJ on Monday am, which is where I am now, so W agreed to take the kids on Sun night. She had been texting them pretty much all weekend. I took them over to W's house and they went trick or treating over there too, but cut it off early because they had enough candy already. When I got there, W had her Aaron Rodgers jersey on and was all dolled up like she always is. She looked pretty good, but is just WAY too thin. She had me take a couple of pictures with her and the kids in their costumes. I left and went across the street to visit my old neighbors.
Stayed there for about 3 hours, smoked a cigar and drank a few beers. (What the heck happened to AGoodman anyway?) Left their house and went to the bar to see my blonde bartender, but she wasn't working, so I stayed for 1 beer and some chicken wings. Went home, packed for my trip, read some DB and went to bed early.
I think I am doing pretty well now with this detaching thing. I never call or text W, but she rarely does either and when we do, it is only about the kids or where to find manuals for the power equipment that she has, but doesn't know how to use. My mom is hoping for a lot of snow this winter so that W has to clear it all by herself. Kind of mean, but I think well deserved. That reminds me, I need to look for a used snow thrower soon!!
Anyway, I can't tell if any of this is having any affect on W, but it is affecting me. I am starting to feel like Rob did. I am pretty much happy and having a pretty good life again. Without W!!! I WILL be able to move on and thrive again. I am taking care of everything that I need to by myself and being a good dad for my kids too!
I have court on Thursday to finalize the agreement regarding the placement of the kids, which should also mean an adjustment to the support I am paying. I am better prepared this time and WILL NOT agree to any ridiculous settlements. We will also be scheduling a date for the final divorce case. I see that LSG's just got set for early February. I was hoping that it would be sooner, but I have also been having 2nd thoughts about dragging this out longer since I have read how long this DB has taken so many people. Or maybe I am just crazy and should just forget about working this out. That is what my Sister thinks. Just move on and see what happens.
Well, thanks to everyone for their continuing support. It is greatly appreciated. Let me know if you think I am screwing anything up here or if I should be doing something differently.
first of all .. remind me never to vent on your thread .. ever! venting doesn't just disappear in thin air like cigar smoke. it lingers and you get an earful later on.
fyi .. i did not trash anybody's home.
anyway, the reason for this post is that a while back, you were frustrated with your wife because she wanted certain changes in you and you were doing them but she was still angry with you.
i told you that when you make the changes because she mentioned them, it comes across as fake or phony (not genuine). you still didn't quite grasp the concept and i understand. while posting to khudoo, i thought of an example.
when a woman says "you never take me out to dinner!" .. you'd take that at face value and think "ok, i'll take her to a fancy restaurant. problem solved." will that score you points? nope.
"you never take me out to dinner!" really translates to "you never spend time with me anymore." you're focused on the fancy/expensive restaurant when really, it's not about the fancy restaurant. it's about spending time together and giving her your undivided attention. you'd score big points by taking her for a drive and having great conversation in the car or a walk on the beach. it has nothing to do with going out for dinner and everything to do with spending quality time together.
it's also shows that you were truly listening. you get her. it establishes that emotional connection that we all want with our h. it's the same as looking at each other and not having to say anything because you know you're thinking of the same thing. yes, it's unfair that we speak in "code" like that .. but when you do it because we asked for it, it doesn't create that emotional connection. it's just doing for the sake of doing.
i hope that's a better explanation. i'm working on my communication skills.
Yeah, I'm starting to get it. I take things literally. Unfortunately, now is not the time for a long drive or walk on the beach. I did try a drive or two with her shortly after her blow-up before going out to dinner, but that didn't end-up all that well either.
Thanks for your continues support D4MIL. I appreciate you checking in on me. All in all, I think I am doing pretty well being fine with myself. I just wish I would see some progress from the other side. Maybe it never happens......
He's pretty funny. I was sure to let him know that I am doing great and told him about all of the fun I have been having. I'm guessing that will get back to W at some point. I know, I shouldn't even care about that.
venting doesn't just disappear in thin air like cigar smoke. it lingers and you get an earful later on.