I was waiting to start a new thread until I received the results of the fingerprint analysis, which I did a few days ago........but something more important happened recently that has caused a paradigm shift for me. I've taken XH off his pedestal.
Eric, CW, and MHL, thank you SO much for posting to me yesterday. Eric, .........that IS a catchy little tune, isn't it??????.......and CW, you are correct. These MCLers don't do ANYTHING quickly.
MHL, as always, you have given me much food for thought. You always have an interesting perspective on things. Do you ever think INSIDE the box?????? You said:
Originally Posted By: missherlove
Look if your XH wants to associate with people that are not a healthy influence in his life then that is HIS choice......At some point in the future this will come to head and YOU will be the one with a CHOICE. Do I want to be with someone who chooses to be around people that negatively impact their lives????
I have asked myself this many times over the past 2 years. When XH was acting like he was a crazed MCLer (until 2 months ago) it was easy to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he has been acting more like his normal self for the last 2 months so I have begun thinking that he has probably been stuck in replay since before I met him.....and I think his friendship with BMF is a big reason. As long as xH gets the pseudo-intimacy he enjoys with BMF he doesn't need to face his demons.
I think this post from happy_again sums up my impression of the effect that BMF has on XH:
Originally Posted By: happy_again
my ex girlfriend (substitute BMF here) from high school....was going through the same dissatisfaction in her life with her husband.we fed off of each others misery.and each time i would be at home i began to feel the need to get out as fast as i could.only my friend understood what i was going through. Allie (happy's W) was too preoccupied with the kids and the house to notice how miserable I was.or so i thought. looking back at everything i never gave Allie a chance to understand.i just assumed she wouldn;'t. .......... i can see how much worse i made things by making up excuses to call my friend just to have someone to talk to.my biggest regret is that I refused to let Allie into my life i didn;t want her to rearrange it but i did want her to understand it.
I've been thinking that as long as BMF maintains this intimate R with XH, that building any kind of healthy R with XH is impossible. When I received the anonymous package I saw identifying the sender (whom I really believe to be BMF) as a way to gauge whether XH's loyalty to him is blind. I decided to try to identify the sender for ME, to help me with this decision. If it was BMF and it didn't alter XH's opinion of BMF I would have my answer. Not necessarily a healthy way to look at this........just being honest.
I really HAVE been putting a lot of time and energy into things for myself. That's what the TT lessons and league, and brand new hybrid bike and biking club rides, spa treatments, dinner with friends, and home renovations (multiple projects) are all about..........I just don't post all the play-by-play here. As far as "chasing my dream".....I was fortunate to do work that I was extremely passionate about for 20 years. It allowed me to travel all over the world, meet interesting people, be respected by my peers, and contribute to society. It was immensely rewarding,........but the toll on my personal life became unacceptable. My work now is rewarding, but not sure whether it's in me to be that passionate about anything again.
As for addressing MY issues, since the bomb I have become more aware of my need to slow down my schedule (de-stress) and have really been working on becoming less of a distancer. I've pulled myself up by the bootstraps without assistance a number of times in the past (at one point in my life I only had $10 to my name and a small house in a bad part of town). As a result I am very strong, independent, and self-sufficient so it is very easy for me to pull away from difficult interpersonal situations thinking "I don't need this aggravation". I am trying really hard to change this personal attribute.
So.........this post isn't very entertaining, but I DID want to address many of the excellent points you made. (I imagine the 2 x 4's have started warming up long before now.) Please be assured how VERY much I value everyone's feedback...and MHL, you give me a lot to think about. Receiving everyone's feedback in this way provides a real opportunity for growth and I thank you all!
Hi GAG, Reading along here and contemplating all the 'food for thought!' MHL's perspective is very interesting and his challenge offers alternative views which is exactly what we need.
Your own responses are also thought provoking as you apply the suggestions and challenges of posters to the 'real' scenario. It's only you that knows H and only you who really knows which actions sit most comfortably with you and are authentic to you.
When I read your $10 in the bank story it reminded me that we all have our story and it's this story that makes and shapes us as the people that we are.
Really just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and I have been following along.
You have been such an inspiration to me and I am so thankful that you came to the boards and for all the info that you share! Your name definitely fits you! I can't wait to see where life is going to take you next!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I have been following both of your situations too, even though I haven't posted a lot the past few days.
Cas, other than last week's TT game (very friendly) there has been no real communication between XH and me for the last 1 1/2 weeks. That's a big change from the past 6 months. Your H sounds as though he has recovered from MIL's visit (Yeah!!!). XH's sister sent me a thank you card for her birthday present and said we should have lunch when she comes to town this week. She is very nice and we have been getting closer over the past year, so I would like to maintain a R with her regardless of what happens with XH.
CW, I lurked for a long time before starting my own thread, thanks to your encouragement. Posting here has been a lifesaver, so thank you!
Interesting perpective GAG, why would you want to be with someone who put a freindship above your relationship! I struggled with a similar problem with my H except just to throw a bigger spanner in the work it was my sister who was his EA!
She unlike him is in an unhappy marriage, currently living in the same house as they cant afford to split till next year! They havent been together as a couple for the last two years and although now after my H's return she has found a new boyfriend at the time I suspect they were both party to a mutual pity party of how bad things were for each other!
The moral of my story is you cant share your life with someone who puts someone above you in status and my H was told exactly that before I let him return, honestly if our financial situation hadnt required him returned quicker Id have made him court me so to speak a lot longer than really happened..
Even when he did come home he had to be weaned off his EA! At first he was like a spoilt child who had been told he couldnt have a friend, it took six months and me almost walking before he came to his senses that he couldnt have someone else as emotional support and ME!
MHL makes a lot of sense if you cant be top dog in your H's sight you must respect yourself enough to let him go until he sees that (if thats your choice) or find someone who will!
Huge hugs hope you dont mind me butting in!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thank you for posting and for sharing your personal information. I REALLY appreciate your perspective. It helps a lot to hear others' experiences.
In my situation it took the bomb for me to realize that XH had put BMF before me, because H/XH used to make little snide remarks about BMF's lifestyle from time to time. H/XH was always a man with integrity so everyone else in his life questioned how he could be best friends with BMF. I now see for the first time examples of XH being less than truthful........that' why I took him off the pedestal.
I will admit that the reason I initially proceeded with the forensic analysis was to show XH that BMF had lied to him..........thought this might bring XH to question how many other times BMF had lied to him..........but this reason became less important to me a few weeks ago. Now I want to see how XH reacts to this process.
GAG - your title really made me think....I have always had my H on a pedestal as well....admired his honesty, integrity and that he always tried to do the right thing....with his conduct in the last 1 1/2 years he blew all of those virtues right out of the water.
And I still somehow believe in him....trying to excuse his actions by putting a label of MLC on him as if it was an excuse for bad behavior. Does MLC change a person or do their "true colors" show because of the crisis....not sure. MLC is not a mental illness...they do have choices...they just make bad ones.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
The pedestal thing hits home to me as well. Also the still believing thing - is very familiar.
I've tried to "label" - MLC, narcissist, sex addict - all terms his IC, our MC, my IC - have used. Probably thinking if the label fits then things will make sense. None of this will ever make sense.
It's time for healing and moving forward:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
The pedestal thing is the first thing my children threw at me. I always put him on a pedestal he didn't deserve. I did the work, he got the praise and glory.
Mila, you sound exactly like me, I still try to excuse his behavior to his children, even when I know I can't and shouldn't.
You said: