You and you business partner of 20+ yrs have hit a rough patch. You notice he isn't spending time or energy in the business. Then you find out he is working for the competition. Giving talent, energy, production, customers and goodwill to another business all while collecting a paycheck from you.
How would your wife expect you to act? What actions would she respect that you took? What would make you look like a wuss in her eyes? Your wife expects you to stand up for yourself, her and your family. You are being watched.
A.) be nice and wait until after the holidays to talk to him maybe he is just in a fog and he'll snap out of it.
B.) find out what you can be doing better and give him more of it. make sure his bonus is big this year maybe he'll like you more, you can regain his trust and become friends again.
C.) make it clear about what the partnership agreement states and that you can't keep paying your business partner anymore to sleep with the enemy.
D.) stay afraid of what he might say or do if you contront him about his bad behavior.
What would your wife do? What would your best male friend do? What is attractive?
Start thinking about things (masculine) instead of leading with your feelings (feminine). Someone needs to lead.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Ok. Confusion here. I know Coach directed this toward the men but could easily be a question for the women. See - I'm on the fence right now. More of the same for me would be continuing to let H live here while I know he is in contact with his ex-wife. But doesn't DR say to just put that kind of stuff on the back-burner? Not mention the OW to your H? Just get on with life and give them space that way while GAL? So dbmod - when you say "the worst thing you can do is more of the same", would you then suggest I start setting the boundaries that are suggested above?? I have tried this but wasn't ready - I did in in complete anger and without thinking it over enough. I was not organized. I was all over the place. What would be the correct thing to say to H in my situation?!
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
What I have noticed about people with strong, healthy boundaries when something like and EA or PA happens to them.
They may get angry, but they quickly get than under control.
They know what is right and what is wrong, and they tend to figure out pretty quickly that they need to enforce their boundaries, and they may confront an expose the OP if there's a a resonable chance pressure can be brought to bear on that person.
They seek legal advice rather quickly, and they state their boundary and are prepared to enforce it all in short order.
People with healthy boundries are decisive when this happens. What you sometimes have to remind them of is the consequences of divorce just so you are certain they are taking those into account, but they tend to approach these problems with certainty, resolve and courage.
And things don't drag on and on with them. Things work out one way or the other rather quickly compared to situations where you are dealing with people with weak or nonexistent boundaries.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Ok. Confusion here. I know Coach directed this toward the men but could easily be a question for the women. See - I'm on the fence right now. More of the same for me would be continuing to let H live here while I know he is in contact with his ex-wife. But doesn't DR say to just put that kind of stuff on the back-burner? Not mention the OW to your H? Just get on with life and give them space that way while GAL? So dbmod - when you say "the worst thing you can do is more of the same", would you then suggest I start setting the boundaries that are suggested above?? I have tried this but wasn't ready - I did in in complete anger and without thinking it over enough. I was not organized. I was all over the place. What would be the correct thing to say to H in my situation?! _________________________
Angry or composed
Emotional or decisive in your actions based on your beliefs, values and goals.
Let your H disrespect you and your marriage or let him know his behavior is unacceptable in your marriage and what the consequences are of him continuing this behavior (his choice).
more of the same or loving yourself
The choice is all yours on what you do. You control your thoughts, actions and feelings. Take all the pressure off him, stop chasing him, let him choose and you take care of yourself. You like living like this? You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
First, I think this analogy doesn't really apply to marriages. A business partnership can be had because each party is trying to get something out of the venture - usually profits and some sense of self-fulfillment. With a marriage it's a whole level of give and take and the emotional needs are significant. If my business partner is cheating on the company. the solution is simple. Dissolve the partnership. If my W (or H) is cheating on the marriage. The solution isn't so simple. I can't just "dissolve" the marriage and go about my happy way. There are strong feelings and feelings that have no place in business - like love and attachment. You can love what you do, but to be successful in business, you have to make cold calculation decisions. You just can't do that in a marriage.
That being said, I do think it is important to put boundaries in place in light of a cheating spouse. But you need to put them up when you are ready and you can be strong enough to make sure that you can follow through. Because one thing that could be worse that no boundaries are boundaries without consequence. But ultimately, it is not your choice to follow the boundaries. It is your spouse. You can put up all the rules in place regarding the OM or OW, but if your spouse doesn't respect you and the marriage they will chose the OM or OW. The boundaries (or rules) just give them a framework in which to operate. (or try to sneak around) The boundaries do reflect on you though. They show that 1) you know about the A, 2) You respect the M and yourself enough not to let it continue as is, 3) You are strong enough to stand up to the A and 4) you understand the seriousness of it. I'm sure they are others. I think the spouse does get mad at first by the boundaries. The inclination is to rebel against them (very few will accede to them at first)- just like they rebel against the pleading, crying etc. But the Boundaries are a position of strength for you and you should see them as such. those are my thoughts.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I think this analogy doesn't really apply to marriages.
It wasn't about marriages. It was about how would react in that situation.
It's about attraction, respect, leadership, confidence, self-respect, boundaries, protecting your wife & family, being decisive, strength, honor, values, and doing the right thing.
Lot's of things in there that a woman wants in her man though.
The 180 is that you let your partner keep stealing from you, robbing you of your self-worth while you accomodate him, and your wife loses respect and her feelings of love for you because you won't stand up for yourself. Feelings can and do change quickly. Values, morals and beliefs should be solid and where the boundary starts. If you want to change your wifes feelings about you then change how she thinks about you. A woman can't love a man that she can walk all over this fosters contempt, resentment and entitlement. When you a secure in who you are then she can feel safe, relaxed, trusting and loving. That's why women test men to feel safe. She wants to know her man is strong.
A strong, confident man doesn't reward his wife who is behaving badly. Love has many different sides. A woman is attracted to a man who can make hard, cold decisions if needed because that is not her strength. Leadership is attractive.
One of the keys to my success was and is understanding what women (my woman) find attractive. FTR my wife is very smart, thinks thru things and very capable in making decisions. When she is stressed or presented with an issue that is unfamiliar is when she leads a with her feelings. It's at these times when she needs someone to lead with their thoughts and she tests me to feel safe. Boundaries make people feel safe. A plan followed up with action make people have confidence. Standing by doing nothing except waiting for someone else to make a decision causes unrest and fear. Lead.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I guess what I'm saying that how I react in a business setting is different than how I react in a marriage. A business partner is just that a partner in business. I think the analogy is off because it's EASY to see how you'd react in a business setting. Because it's business and not marriage. It doesn't do a lot of good to challenge how I would react in a setting that isn't applicable to marriage. With a marriage its different. So the reactions are different. For example, from a business standpoint, a couple would never have kids. It's too expensive and not enough ROI over the long haul. But as you know, we do have kids because we react differently to marriage.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I think the analogy is off because it's EASY to see how you'd react in a business setting.
Because you are thinkingand not reacting to your feelings.
In DB lingo this is: detach (focus on the process not the outcome) drop the rope 180 do something different goals
Look in on your sitch like you are looking into a fishbowl.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
W says she loves me like a father or brother, but not as a lover/husband anymore
Read up on attraction. Women who are in love don't share themselves with other men. Women leave their fathers and brothers for men who make them feel alive and excited. How do you change how she feels about you?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
