New to midlife from newcomers under seperating: Journaling: now into this approx 17 months from start. Had to meet with wife concerning our properties. I am a calm person and choose to be this way in life. My wife moved out Jan 1 after a lengthy in house seperation. We eventually get to talking about R. She wants nothing to do with married life. After 21 years of marriage she is done. I continue to validate and GAL. There has been no divorce talk.
she is MLC(i have no doubts) she has projected this fantasy that living by herself is where she needs to go and that is what she is going to do. I told her that I will let you go and understand your feelings on this.
We will occasionally text becasue of the kids but that is basically the extent of communication. There really is nothing I can do except let her run this journey. I would love to tell everybody I am strong and I am better after 17 months of this but it is a tough road mentally. What she thinks is not the truth like she will still be a mother to the kids. My sons 19 and 16 live with me full time with the 19 yr old soon leaving and I have my daughter about 60%. So her fantasy is shes a great mother which is not true. She is there in body but in the fog of MLC.
It's my decison where I go from here. I've been standing and also GAL but my GAl is now allowing me to meet some women who would like to go out. I am keeping it all just as a friends thing but you get to a point where you have to move on.
I am just venting here and I know a lot of you are in the same boat.
Welcome to our Board. You really haven't told us much of your journey as yet, although it seems to have been going on for some time. Is there OM? You kind of glossed over the whole "I'm gonna make it on my own" scenario. I understand the bald truth sometimes seems more painful than we can bear, but get it out there and let it go. As for dating other women, that's your call, but it depends on where your stand is on continuing your marriage.
Cadet or someone will be along shortly and give you the suggested reading. It is very helpful stuff. There will be some wise words here to guide you along. Again, welcome.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Details, M-21years, T-28, s-19,s-16,D-12 Start of MLC June 2009, SemiBomb - March 2010 Suffered own MLC which ended January 2003 lasted 2 1/2 years.
Is there another guy - At this point do not think so. I know many people and it was checked thoroughly in beginning.
Typical MLC stuff: Gym, exercising, losing weight going out etc. Is not happy. Definite anger towards me and her family. She has cut any and all family ties at this point.
We actually had a very physically, emotionally close relationship for years. This is from both our perspectives as we talked about it a lot. All that changed beginning in June 2009.
I will say I don't think my wife has the tools or will look internally at her problems unlessed forced to. Having gone through MLC that is the only way through it. It is a trip through H@ll. I am glad i made the trip now that it is over. The peacefulness I have now is wonderful I wish I could say this is not the case for my wife because I do love my wife and hope she will get through it.
Understanding going through MLC is the most difficult trip you will ever take. The pain is huge for LBS but Having been on both sides of the fence MLC is brutal.
I am taking my wifes MLC fairly well and have been detached for quite a while. My good and bad days are not about 50/50 18 months into this. The GAL activities have expanded my life which I needed.
I will admit I am torn at this point between how long to wait and when to move on. I see MLC all over the place now having been one. The majority of people i come across are stuck or there journey through is taking quite a bit of time.
I know its my choice and I pray everyday for more clarity to my situation. Both for myself and my kids. I do know I will be alright either way.
Welcome to this board. Sorry that you find yourself here.
Do you believe your own MLC triggered your wife's?
Now sir, you opened the floodgates. You may get asked a lot of questions about your journey as well.
We welcome input from the former MLC perspective as it helps the LBS to understand what goes through the MLC mind, so hope you don't mind that. We all can be of great support to one another.
Did you and W remain together during your MLC? Did you have an affair? Was divorce ever discussed?
Has your W mentioned wanting a D?
I guess a major thought would be as far as going out and dating goes is that you know that you came through your MLC and I assume your W waited for you, right? What were the years like for your marriage since you finished your journey and your W started her's? Is it worth waiting for your W to finish her's?
------Hopefully you have already done the first thing.---- The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I will echo what SA has said is that you may have a unique pespective that we all can learn from, be prepared for lots of questions.
Seeking answers My MLC ended about a 1 1/2 before my wifes started. Could it have? I guess because I was so out of it I really don't remember about a year of my life when in the fog. So I definetely was not there for her.
We remained together. She did DB with out even recognizing she was doing it. I did not have an affair. about 1 1/2 of total lethargy/depression. The last 6 months was the trip out. I di have an apartment ready and said I was leaving. This was in my anger at her and depression phase.
Wife had mentioned divorce about 3-4 months ago. Her MLC is telling her to escape and find the life she missed. I am in the way as she has said. She did wait for me yes. I don't think she has the tools to get through this with us intact. But I don't know why I was able to come through on the other side. It did seem like there was a small voice saying this is the way through.
As I said when you GAL and your out doing things you meet people and you say I could move on and it would be much nicer. I love my wife but I meet many stuck people and having a relationship with a stuck person is not a realtionship.
Again I am just torn and maybe need or could use a ray of hope to make a longer stand.
Icame through MLC a very gentle kind soul and for that 1 1/2 out of MLC it was a great marriage. I didnt think i would be where i am no way!!
One comment would be that a year and a half is a very short MLC. Did you seek help for the lethargy and depression such as anti-depressants? I'm sure you know that depression can cause the symptoms you describe. Did you shut yourself off from your family and friends at this time? As you were coming out, who did you reconnect with first?
Can I ask how old you and your W are?
You are your own ray of hope in this Spirit. You know what your W is going through. You came through this. There's a real chance your W will too. Are you invested enough in your M to wait and see? As I said, a year and a half is a very short MLC. Depending on your W's issues it may take her much longer to face those inner demons.
Do you remember facing what the real issues were that were causing your depression and unhappiness?
Stay with us and keep posting. We will support you when you stumble. That's what we do here. A tight knit group that have walked or are walking the same path together.
I've been standing and also GAL but my GAl is now allowing me to meet some women who would like to go out. I am keeping it all just as a friends thing but you get to a point where you have to move on.
What do you want Sprirt?
Not these women, not your W, not the neighbor...
You?
If it is to continue standing, you will finds lots of support...
I read that you had your own crisis...
This is not quite as simple as time and space unfortunatly...
In a crisis and as the LBS, as I am sure you know, we have things that we need to look at, things about ourselves that we can change...
Seeking has asked you some very good questions, and it is a good place to start IMO...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm very sorry that you find yourself here. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience in the threads on this board.
Originally Posted By: Spirit
I don't know why I was able to come through on the other side. It did seem like there was a small voice saying this is the way through.
This ^^^^^ caught my attention. Is it possible that your W's presence throughout your MLC was what helped you to come out the other side? Is it possible that you might be able to provide the same "small voice" for her?
I'm at this for 27 months now and am just starting to feel that I am at the point where I know that I am healing.
Originally Posted By: Spirit
I meet many stuck people and having a relationship with a stuck person is not a relationship.
Yes, I agree. There are a lot of stuck people out there and it's very difficult to know that because people put on their best faces.
The questions that have been posed to you are good ones. You don't necessarily need to answer all of them publicly, but please take the time to answer them for yourself.
