What else can I do? Married 15 years, together 20. Wife (both of us 45 years old) told me three months ago that she wanted a D and would move to another house with our two children (S 12 D 9) during summer. Said that our marriage had been dead for years and she no longer loved me, and could only recall bad times in our history together. After all that I've read, I now know that this is pretty typical behavior for a WAS, there may also be some MLC with her. We had a near divorce about 5 years ago and reconciled with the help of marriage counseling. We did not keep our commitment to the counseling and stopped going after 5 sessions as we appeared to be headed in the right direction. We have been backsliding during the last year or so. Our main problems then and now were her not getting enough emotional support and love from me, and me not getting enough physical contact from her. She also felt that she bore the brunt of the household and childcare chores, and although she is right in this regard, I was putting in a lot of hours.
I responded to her announcement as most LBS do with some pleading for counseling and other remedies, telling her that I love her, etc. She of course wanted none of this, and my asking and telling only pushed her farther away. She began ignoring me when I tried to get her involved in conversation.
About five weeks ago, I discovered that she began a EA some months before her D announcement, and that it became a PA about a week after her D announcement. I discovered all this through her email, as she left the house one day and left her email browser open. After waiting a week, I told her that I had seen her email and knew that she was having an EA. I believe that this has ended as I had a direct conversation with the OP, who also was married. I told her this past week that I also know it was a PA. She has admitted, after initially denying, that it was also a PA. This was a rough and loud conversation. She is angry that I read her email and has said that she could never trust me again. I've told her that the affair is not a deal breaker for our marriage, but would take some work to overcome.
I've read DR several times after purchasing it about two months ago. I have also read a lot of other books to help me with understanding how we got off track and how to approach a reconciliation. I've tried to wise up and over the last three weeks and have stopped asking her to talk about our relationship and going to counseling.
Over the last two months I have worked hard on a 180 that has involved the following: Much more effort with household chores (cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) Much more interactive with children (day to day shuttling for activities, taking them out with me). The TV has stayed off and I haven't missed it. Engaging her in conversation (this has made her angry at times as she says she is not used to it). I've also gotten into very good physical shape, dressing better, reducing my working hours (I went overboard on work at times), and am making an effort to do social activities.
Other than the anger I expressed over divulging what I knew about the affair on two occasions, I have treated her very courteously and she has generally responded by saying thank you to my efforts at helping around the house. I have to admit, I should've pitched in more over the years. My efforts have also included making sure I respond to her if she makes a comment or asks a question. She is a very talkative person and I had tuned her out in the past. She has said that it is uncomfortable for her to be around me. I have made a conscious effort over the past couple weeks to avoid being in the same room in our home.
I've done IC almost weekly for two months. No great breakthroughs here other than I've received affirmation that I'm responding to all this in a mostly positive manner.
I've worked with a DB counselor on the phone and have had about 6 sessions over the last 5 weeks. The advice has been to continue the 180 and, of course, avoid saying anything or acting in a way that pushes my wife away from me.
She has told me that she doesn't believe that these changes will stick. At times, the 180 behaviors seem to annoy her. She has asked me on several occasions about the changes and my motivation for them. I have told her that these were all changes that I felt I had to make for myself and my children. I feel good about these changes and they have been relatively easy for me to make. I've heard through others that she is frustrated by the changes because they didn't happen before her announcement. She has told me directly that she sees no chance for reconciliation. She has agreed to go to marriage counseling one we have separated into different houses, but does not see hope.
Two weeks ago, she said she found a house to rent and was moving. A week later, she tells me that her lawyer advised her not to move until we have a parenting plan and financial agreement (child support) in place. She has asked me to contact a mediator to start this process, as she wants to avoid filing for divorce through the courts in order to save money. She is frustrated that I haven't contacted the mediator she found (I have found one review of this person and it was very negative) but have instead looked at others (I spoke with one of them yesterday). She feels that I have not shown enough initiative and am dragging my feet. I have to admit, this is not a process that I am eagerly working on. She appears to be gathering the paperwork to file for divorce. I let her know that I recently contacted a mediator. She wants me to move out. I have told her that I don't want to. We are doing activities, and in some respects more than we used to do, as a family. She is generally pleasant during these but keeps physical distance. She no longer ignores my attempts at conversation (this is an improvement over a month ago) but does sometimes say that conversation is uncomfortable. We are in separate beds and there has been only two intimate physical contacts since her announcement, the last one being about two months ago.
She still seems very driven to get a divorce. She says she wish she could love me again so that the divorce could be avoided but she doesn't think this is possible. She wants to tell our kids that we are "having some difficulties" so that they are better prepared for the divorce but I told her I disagree with this as there are no current plans for any physical separation. I also discovered recently that she had posted an on-line profile at a dating site, and told her that I knew. She appears to have taken her profile down after saying that she was only curious.
I know that I must be patient, patient, and patient but it appears that one of us will probably be ordered by the court to move out of our house in another month or so if she files. Once one of us is out, reconciliation becomes even more difficult.
What else can I do?
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
Hey handler... great to hear that you are doing work for yourself, you need to keep at it...
I tried Xanax once to quit smoking... took it for about a month and figured I was all good and could kick the habit... kept smoking for another five years... we have to keep at something if we want to get the job done...
It is (not) funny how if a we confront a best friend about some new love interest of theirs and that they romped in the hay, they are all so happy about it... and yet when the LBS finds out about it... not so much... She's mad 'cause she was busted, not because you were snooping... but the snooping sounds like a good reason for her to be mad...
When it comes down to D, here's the thing. Do YOU want the D? If not, then why would you do all the leg work? If SHE wants the D, wants a mediator scheduled, etc... Then SHE should be doing it...
If it comes up again, let her know that you will not try to stop mediation or D, but that you do not want D and will therefore not be the one to do the leg work. She'll probably get mad and do the leg work, and that's OK... It would have happened one way or the other...
So yes... settle in and work on YOU. Continue the 180s and GALing and become the man that only a foolish woman would leave...
In my sitch I reluctantly did the paperwork. Stressing the whole time that I did not agree, but if she insisted I would respect her wishes. Stalling in my opinion is another pursuit method and just ticks them off more. Right now the D is a wonderful fantasy. Doing paperwork turns it into the grim reality that it is. Discussions such as child care arrangements, living arrangements, finances, tend to put things into perspective for WAW's who think they'll spend every night drinking martinis at clubs. Not saying your W is like this.
Just be patient give it time. It took months for my W to accept my changes, and I backslide every so often. Sometimes it's not even the changes but that you care enough to make them. Don't push don't prod, let her come to you. Make yourself irresistible.
I also discovered recently that she had posted an on-line profile at a dating site, and told her that I knew. She appears to have taken her profile down after saying that she was only curious.
She's not curious, she's fishing.
The EA/PA she had with OM left her wanting to continue feeling all that excitement,energy, & romance. She's looking for another man to give her those emotional feelings of being in-love. It's as if she's addicted.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We had a birthday party and sleep over for our son on Friday night.
We went to separate social events Saturday night (she found a baby sitter) and both of us got back late. We took a day trip (she invited me along) on Sunday to drop our son off at a weeklong camp. We took a short hike before dropping him off. She was not eager to engage in conversation during the drive and felt the need to put me down a couple times during our brief communications on the way home. I'm learning to not respond to these barbs but they are still hard to deal with. She has a habit of what I call chattering in which she will talk as she's doing things (like chores) or looking at objects during a drive. She chattered a few times during the drive. I was out in the back yard sitting on our bench just prior to dinner on Sunday (she had gone on a walk). She returned from her walk and asked if she could join me on the bench. We talked for about 15 minutes just prior to dinner. A bill from her lawyer showed up in the mail on Friday and she told me this was a bill for the 10 minutes that she talked to her lawyer. She asked me to give her my estimate of what child support would be. She said that she had not filed for divorce as of yet but was considering it. We made arrangements for how we would split driving responsibilities for getting our daughter to various events during the week.
I put together another quality dinner on Sunday and she seemed very appreciative of my efforts (I'm enjoying the cooking and am learning some things with help from cookbooks). She complimented the dinner and some other clean up that I had done during dinner. We played some games with our daughter Sunday night and this seemed to be fun for everyone.
It's hard to tell if I'm making progress given her lack of communication in the car. She also was not very forthcoming about the event she attended Saturday night. We'll have some time to talk this week given that our Son is at camp and our daughter is in bed fairly early in the evening. Any advice for how to engage her in conversation this week?
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
In my sitch I reluctantly did the paperwork. Stressing the whole time that I did not agree, but if she insisted I would respect her wishes. Stalling in my opinion is another pursuit method and just ticks them off more. Right now the D is a wonderful fantasy. Doing paperwork turns it into the grim reality that it is. Discussions such as child care arrangements, living arrangements, finances, tend to put things into perspective for WAW's who think they'll spend every night drinking martinis at clubs. Not saying your W is like this.
Just be patient give it time. It took months for my W to accept my changes, and I backslide every so often. Sometimes it's not even the changes but that you care enough to make them. Don't push don't prod, let her come to you. Make yourself irresistible.
Sounds like things worked out for you in the end.
Any tips for increasing my irresistible score?
Me: 45 W: 45 S: 12 D: 9 M: 16 T:22
Bomb: 4/20/2011 Says she moves out in July with Kids Discovered Affair: 6/10/2011 She files for divorce: 8/18/2011
