The previous couple of weeks have been a bit bumpy. Not rocky, but a little bumpy. It's probably not going to smooth out completely anytime soon. I'm strapping in for the ride.
I'm still here. Holding on to hope. Standing tall. Most importantly, I am learning. I am growing. I am getting stronger every day. At the beginning, I never thought I'd still be here fighting, more than 6 months after the bomb.
jb, I think you're approaching things with your wife perfectly right now. I hope it didn't come across as if I was suggesting that you needed to change your approach at the moment.
However, I do believe that when we have given something a finite amount of time, and if that something is not working, that we should be open to trying something different. Eventually.
What that is, I have no idea.
Your W is not angry and she seems open to spending some time together. I think those are all positive signs and they made me think that there was still hope.
A friend of mine left her husband a year ago, (the only friend I've confided in) because she was hurt and angry. He did nothing, and went pretty dark. She was done so it didn't matter...for the first 6 months. He still did nothing. She confessed to me that if he would have at least tried something different, said something encouraging or even attempted to change anything about himself, at the right time, she might have entertained the thought of reconciling. In the beginning, nothing would have helped but as the anger and hurt dissipated, it might have.
I really want you to heal your M. You seem like a wonderful person and a wonderful father. We've all made mistakes.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
E - thanks so much for that.
I like to take a step back every once in awhile and assess where I am, what's working, and what's not working. I do start to feel some urgency any time my W shows any signs of taking a step in what I think is the wrong direction. I think right now the concensus is to stay the course for now.
Even from early in this journey, I believe my W has to get a good taste of D to develop a permanent distaste for it. If that really happens before any permanent damage occurs, this will all be more than worth it.
I do want my W to find happiness. My preference would be to work with her to find that happiness. She has to take a journey on her own, though, before she will learn how to be genuinely happy.
From the beginning, I have taken the position to try to be as understaning as possible. I've had plenty of opportunities to affect my W negatively and make her angry. I have chosen not to do that. I have chosen not to show her my anger.
Bottom line is I don't want her to come back until she wants to come back. I do not want her to come back unchanged, either.
I think right now the concensus is to stay the course for now.
Yes, I think this is the right decision because your W is being quite friendly and definitely not spewing any anger. She is past the point of anger so she is probably now in the grieving stage, which explains a lot of her sadness and tears when she was moving out. A lot of S's seem to spew anger and venom during separation from what I've read on this forum. I think it's a really good sign that yours is not which is why when there is an opportunity in the future to reach out, you will know.
(Or maybe, I just have no clue. )
Originally Posted By: jbnati
Even from early in this journey, I believe my W has to get a good taste of D to develop a permanent distaste for it. If that really happens before any permanent damage occurs, this will all be more than worth it.
Yes, I agree. I think you are preventing damage by your friendly attitude and by keeping your interactions positive.
Originally Posted By: jbnati
I do want my W to find happiness. My preference would be to work with her to find that happiness. She has to take a journey on her own, though, before she will learn how to be genuinely happy.
This is unconditional love and hopefully she will appreciate this in time.
Originally Posted By: jbnati
From the beginning, I have taken the position to try to be as understaning as possible. I've had plenty of opportunities to affect my W negatively and make her angry. I have chosen not to do that. I have chosen not to show her my anger.
I know, your strength is inspiring. Admittedly, I would have acted like a crazy drama queen at this point at least once...or twice.
Originally Posted By: jbnati
Bottom line is I don't want her to come back until she wants to come back. I do not want her to come back unchanged, either.
jb- you most certainly are growing and changing. You have become an invaluable person on this board. I know I am a better person have met you
DG, thanks for that. I am truly humbled. I can say the same for you. I think your openness and honesty on the board has helped me become from in tune with my internal feelings.
Tonight was fairly uneventful. I'm OK with that, though. I picked up my S from his last day of day camp. He offered on the way home that my W had a female friend and her baby spend the night last night. This girl is a leasing consultant with the apartment complex that she has befriended. Don't know what's up with that. I'm trying not to worry about what my W is doing right now - it was just that my S offered it up. I didn't ask for any details.
I had to work for a bit after we got home. I had taken the 28 mi bike ride last night and I rode another 8.6 this morning, so I got into work a lot later than I really wanted to.
My S and I had Tex-Mex for dinner. I really need to expand my menu, although it would probably be much to my S's chagrin. No REAL GAL'ing tongiht. My S and I just played Mario Cart Wii for a little bit.
Started the day off today with a quick hit 8.6 mi. bike ride. It was a beautiful morning. Running with a little low level anxiety today. I'm not really up or down today, just kinda in the middle.
Our anniversary is looming. It will be a week from Saturday. This year, it's on the exact same day of the week and everything. I don't think I'll be doing anything for it though, sadly enough. I'll update my signature on this message board. My W has never been the one to celebrate our anniversary. I would say maybe 30% of the time she's gotten me a card. For me, it's been pretty darn close to 100% of the time.
Sometimes I wonder if my W wants to be married to ANYONE. She's an independent spirit who likes to do her own thing. It's like she doesn't like the responsibility of the commitment. For her, that doesn't only include M.
I'll update my signature on this message board. My W has never been the one to celebrate our anniversary. I would say maybe 30% of the time she's gotten me a card. For me, it's been pretty darn close to 100% of the time.
