I'm assuming that most of you won't be surprised but there's an ow. The piece of crap called our house because she wanted to, and I quote,"Share the pain" because H broke up with her.
Apparently, H first broke up with her after he bombed me in April, but since he made no effort to move out, she threatened him. So the idiot kept seeing ow to keep her quiet. Gee, how nice of him to protect me.
So this back and forth thing for the past 5 months has been because he claims he realized after reading all the Marriage books, that perhaps there was some hope for our M. But because of her threats, he's been scared it was going to all come tumbling down and he kept going back and forth.
He said he knew I wouldn't forgive him if I found out about the A because during one of our R talks, I said an A was a dealbreaker. So he was desperately trying to figure out how to stay in the M without telling me about it, but then was tormented by his guilt.
It was a bad scene and I'm still in shock about how it went down.
When I confronted H about who this woman was, he said I can't do this anymore and started spilling his guts but neither of us realized our D16 had come downstairs. She overheard him say he was having an affair. She screamed and I turned around. She ran upstairs and I followed, and found her sobbing on the floor of her room. I tried to comfort her and told her to please stay upstairs with S7. She was distraught and screaming, "I can't believe daddy has a girlfriend!" S7 came flying our of his room and I tried to stop them, but they both ran downstairs and confronted H.
It was awful and I can't believe H blew apart our family like that. I'm still in complete shock. D16 was screaming at H and asking him how he could do this and I think she called him a pig or a sleazebag. It's all a blur but it was beyond horrible.
S7 was crying and begging me not to divorce his daddy and screaming at H not to leave us and to break up with his girlfriend.
I felt light-headed and kept repeating to the kids, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" and hugging them and trying to get them to go upstairs, and they just kept crying and saying, "It's not your fault, Mommy It's not your fault."
H was lying on the floor weeping and D16 screamed something about why was he crying?! I've never seen her that angry before...
H started seeing this piece of garbage ow in 2010 and it went on for 5 months, then he ended it. He started it up again in January, thought he was in love with her and that's when he tried to end our M in April. He said he was surprised when I didn't want the marriage to end because he didn't think I loved him anymore. That's when he started reading R books.
He said this made him realize that he loved me and wanted our M, but didn't know how it could work because of everything that had happened, and his guilt over the A. He said he tried to tell me numerous times about the A but couldn't get up the nerve. So he'd end it with me again because he said it felt hopeless. Then go back to her, realize it didn't feel right and end it again. Then ow would make threats to call me again.
So he's been bombing ow continuously too. Well, at least he's consistent.
When he read, "Hold Onto Your NUTS" last week, that's when he realized he'd been an angry, pathetic, immature boy and he was deeply ashamed, so he ended it with her for good and hasn't seen her in two weeks. He said he knew he had to tell me eventually and that he couldn't even look at her anymore without feeling disgust and guilt. This is why she called our home.
This woman lives with her H and her children (although, she told my H her marriage was over) and I can't believe a married woman with children would call my house to "share the pain".
H claims he started this A to hurt me. He was angry and purposely sought out another woman because he didn't believe I truly loved him. I do admit I was probably reading my Contemplating Divorce book at that time, and was very distant. He said he justified it all by saying he hated me for not loving him.
I'm numb. If it wasn't for our kids, I would have thrown him out last night but I couldn't add anything else to their pain, or to the drama.
We've been up all night talking. Yes, he's remorseful and said he should have read that NUTS book a year ago and then none of this would have ever happened, but I have a hard time believing anything that's coming out of his annoying vacillating mouth right now.
I asked him IF he realized he loved me after the first bomb, then why didn't he just end it with her and tell me then, and save me these last 5 months of torment? He says it wasn't about her after that, it was about protecting me and the kids.
He claims he has no desire to ever be in a relationship with her, and even if I divorce him, he will not be with her because she's a low life to even consider calling our home. (She's a low life to even have an affair with a married man while she's married but THAT didn't seem to occur to him).
He says he hates her and himself for what they've done to our family and plans to call her later and tell her to F off, and to never call our home again. He said I can be in the room and listen to their conversation. Ugh.
The sight of him makes me ill right now and I can't even process this fully right now. My heart keeps telling me it's not happening but I know it is...
I know the heartbreak, anger, devastation, etc you are feeling right now. How I wish I had the right thing to say, but I know there are just no words that can bring you comfort right now; only time will do that. I wish I were there to just be with you. I hope you have a close friend you can confide in.
JB is right. Take a deep breath. Don't make any major decisions right now. Remember that your children are watching your every move. I trust that you will make the right decision in time. There are many threads you can check out here regarding affairs, so read up on some. There are also many good books out there that can help you heal in time.
Focus right now on taking care of you and your children. Set a boundary with OW if she calls your home again. Let her know very calmly that if she continues to harass you and/or your family, that you WILL take action against her.
Just know that I'm saying a prayer for you and the kids right now. Again, I'm just so sorry; my heart is breaking for you.
Endeavour, I have not read your previous thread. I have been wrapped in my own drama and posting little lately. I will read it. I want to comment solely on this post. This is what I think.
I am sorry for the shock and drama you are feeling. I am sorry for what this revelation has done to your family. I am sorry for the crisis
This was a revelation and probably some of the first honesty you’ve seen in quite sometime.
Now is not the time to act, now is the time to contemplate actions. Now is the time to contemplate if and how much you can forgive, him and yourself. Now is the time to contemplate what is best for yourself and the children.
This cannot be done from a place of emotion. The work ahead regardless if you choose to R or D requires forgiveness. It requires calm consideration. It requires resolute commitment.
Your children are going through this also, they are watching, learning.
Find some space, detach from the emotion, breath.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
E, I never would have found what your H did acceptable but given my current emotional wringer, I am wanting to come 'share my thoughts' with your H. I am so sad for you and so angry at him. No one deserves to go through a situation like you and the children are going through right now. These deals stink! If you add in another person and impact children, these deals stink X100. I do believe what the experienced members say on this forum and I try to act in a way that would make them proud of me. I figure if I can face a tough situation, act in a way that they would act, and then live to post and share my experience, that I really will be ok. I know I am still capable of acting appropriately, no matter what h/she does. Hang in there. I am praying for you. MikeD
___________ Me: 49 W: 51 Together 24 (M 17) SS31 SD 28 S 17 Bomb Dropped 8/12/2011 Still hopeful.
Thanks so much, lc. I'm in such shock right now. H's father did this to his mother and his second W, and H said he would NEVER resort to an affair. BUT he actually went and planned to have one. I can't believe he would do this to me and to our kids. I'm having a hard time digesting it.
And to make matters worse, the psycho nutjob that he got involved was wanted this to go down with as much drama as possible for payback. Unbelievable. This is the kind of garbage he throws our family away for! I'm going to have her calls blocked. What if she got a hold our D16?
S7 just asked me if I was going to get a lawyer and ask daddy to leave. I said, "I don't know, Honey." And he said, "It's okay, Mama. Just take a deep breath." Kids are so smart sometimes.
Thank-you for your thoughts, Juststunned. That makes so much sense. I'm still reeling and I know I need gather my thoughts before making a decision about whether to ask H to leave right now. I'm too numb to cry so hopefully I'm not scaring my kids with my somber mood but this is so devastating. I've never felt this much emotional pain in my life.
So sorry sweetie. Nothing to add just echoing JB and JS. Your emotions are running at an EXTREME high. It took me at least a month to calm down.. and I still find myself getting angry at times.
Action vs reaction will be crucial in this tough time. If you think you are reacting, post here first. You have our ears, our support, and our prayers.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I am praying for you and your family right now. Listen to your son. Breathe and breathe some more.
As much as it hurts. The more OW acts out, and the less you can take the bait, the better off you will be. Let her anger bounce off of you. Do not react with the anger you are justified in feeling. Do not defend yourself. She is going to say horrible things. Do not respond to it in any way. You have to be stronger than you've ever been. You can do it. You have years of practice.
You must be the calm in the storm for your children. My Mother had numerous affairs before abandoning our family. One scorned OM called and stalked our home for months - often in a raging drunk. There were sometimes hundreds of calls in a day - in a day before caller ID or call blocking. My dad somehow managed to lessen the impact on us by not reacting. As an adult, I marvel at how he managed to stay disconnected and keep on keeping on despite what was happening.
Though what my Dad did was good, I think what would have helped even more was if he explained in an age-appropriate way what had happened: "Your mother did a very bad thing and now we are all suffering the consequences. The police will protect us if it comes to that. If you encounter OM, this is how you will handle it..."
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
