The purpose of this site is to help you navigate through the solution-oriented techniques created by Michele Weiner-Davis that have been proven for over 30 years to save marriages. Her techniques are spelled out in the materials linked to this site, but most commonly on this board we are talking about Divorce Busting(DB), Divorce Remedy(DR) and Keeping Love Alive (KLA). Most of the folks here are familiar with one or more of these works, and while it's most helpful if you familiar with the techniques we will help you navigate them. This is not a peer-counseling site, it's a brainstorming solutions site. And yet, some folks will give you 'advice'.
Some of our members are more experienced with the materials than others. Some are not. And sometimes you will find advice that contradicts the principles here. You will find that those who know the principles and are committed to marriage will challenge bad advice. Good advice is about brining MORE LOVE into your relationship and therefore helps you brainstorm solutions. Bad 'advice' is very self centered and does the opposite.
We don't catch everything, though, so your BEST bet is to compare the advice you receive to the materials (DB/DR/KLA). And if it's confusing, click NOTIFY. We will help you as soon as we am able. Better yet--call for an appointment with a DB Coach.
If you are new to this site, and especially if your spouse has a foot out the door--start with Newcomers, at least initially, to learn the basic techniques/skills. You will also want to check out the Divorce Remedy forum. Then:
If you are dealing with the specific issue of Infidelity, you might like to check out that forum.
If you are having trouble with a SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE, you may also like to find some support and creative solutions on that forum.
When your spouse is really willing to work with you, and has stopped talking about leaving, you are PIECING. I'll explain later, but it's important to catch that step and act accordingly. This is the space in which to really build your skillset and strengthen your relationship. You may find you backslide here, that's ok. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off--you're still 'Piecing' unless you really want to join a different forum. There is no need to go back to newcomers. You just begin again with a 'Beginner's Mind' if you need to.
Later, when you feel yo uare on more solid ground or that you have advanced, we have a forum for you if you'd still like to work on your DB skillset and get support: After Reconciling--Keeping the Changes Going.
We have other forums that you may want to check out, but this is the 'nuts and bolts'.
What are your measurements of success? Do you feel you are good at catching the small successes and building on them? Do you feel you need a full melding of the minds / perfect harmony befor you feel you've made it.
Piecing is where you having a willing partner, working with you. You are no longer in the LRT. Your spouse is talking about being with you and not talking about leaving.
This is where you really build your skillset, and the better you do that, the more likely you won't be back at the heartbreak point.
Michele's facebook quote here is a real teaching point:
Quote:
When things are going right in your marriage, pay special attention to how you and your spouse act, think & feel. Reproduce these traits when things start going downhill.
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
Well I wrote my scatter brained story the other night. I was so happy to find a site that encourages keeping the marriage but I really would have liked to hear some responses or advice from someone just cuz I just need so badly to communicate in order to sort things out in my head. But maybe I seem too complicated. I mean look at my username. I am a very isolated and alone person so I don't get to discuss my issues with anyone and I guess I was hoping a miracle suggestion or something would fall down outta the sky. One that I can see or read cuz my relationship with the MAN Upstairs isn't do hot neither at the moment a lllllonnnng moment. Anyway, I just thought I might express that to u. I'm not allowed to express myself to my husband or my family(whom I no longer speak to 5 siblings) THEY say I'm too BRASHi guess cuz I call it like I see it "AND I MIGHT HURT SOMEBODY'S FEELINGS" and 4 of them older taught me this. But anyway, sorry for my scatter brained self. I'll go from one thing to another and I have to focus on saving my marriage which isn't seeming very promising at this time. Cuz I'm at fault. For doing what I did! The ultimate no no! In a marriage! I betrayed my vows in the worst way possible!
I have posted and it doesn't show. What am I doing wrong? Please let me know soon. As it is my relationship is sinking. Newcomer Merlot
You are not doing anything wrong. You are on moderation right now and your posts need to be approved by the moderator. First lesson in DB'ing - Patience.
DB Mod it might help if you could make a post about moderation explaining it to posters so that they get the official position about it. Anything I write is just guessing and what I seem to observe.
You are right, I think newbies need some explanation. And a fair amount is posted on this thread, so, I'm not really sure what else is needed. Let me know if what I post here doesn't cover it:
Newbies are moderated until the moderator on the forum has observed good posting behavior. The moderator approves each post, and then recommends to the administrator that the post can be unmoderated.
The goal to approve individual posts is 24 hours. There are very few moderators, and they have other full-time jobs. So, there are times that this approval does not happen within 24 hours. We apologize, we are committed to you, sometimes the timeframe is unavoidable.
Newbies are moderated until the moderator on the forum has observed good posting behavior. The moderator approves each post, and then recommends to the administrator that the post can be unmoderated.
So "good posting behavior" is following the TOS or DB advice?
When does moderation for a new poster end?
Is moderation different for a new poster on their own thread vs someone elses thread?
I might also suggest that you post this info, stick it and lock it to the top of the forum so no one else posts on the thread.
Those are the perfect questions, Cadet, and there is no onesizefitsall answer.
I am not speaking for other moderators, just giving my best answer based on my experience.
There can be 12-60 posts on a given day to approve, and especially if I have missed a day approving posts. So my goal is to read and approve the posts as quickly as possible, and then see who I have determined can come off full moderation. That's the short version.
"Good posting behavior" -- Following terms of service. Do you have to follow DB advice, no. Do you have to only give DB advice -- no. Can you give advice contrary to DB -- it depends on what it is.
When does moderation end: When the moderator has confidence in the posting behavior. It is not a certain number of posts.
When threads like this are closed so no one else can post, to you and me it might seem 'cleaner', but more folks get upset that they cannot respond with a question. (Notice that you personally were able to ask these questions in a forum that everyone can see.)
Is moderation different for a new poster on their own thread vs someone else's thread -- to me that is the most excellent question. I will just say -- for me -- when a newbie is posting all over the place it's harder to follow, to get a sense of continuity.
I am new here. I am happily married however I get to counsel a lot of people in my fellowship on marital issues. I thought this will be a good place to share and learn from others about saving marriages. Any suggestions about where to begin from? I welcome any help you can give me.
how do i send a private message? i tried but it said it was disabled. i went into "edit preferences" and could see nothing about sending private messages, only receiving them and i have "yes" selected. thanks
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
How do I start posting? I tryed 2 days ago. I am new to this. thanks rachael55
Your thread is on page 5. Sorry there hasn't been much traffic. can you go there and tell a little more: children? ages? years together? first M? "issues"? What's he saying exactly?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Hi, I tried to add a signature earlier but it kept saying I went over the allowed characters but didn't tell me how many I can use. Is there a different number of available characters for newbies on moderation? Or do I need to wait until I'm off moderation to add a signature?
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
If you are new to this site, and especially if your spouse has a foot out the door--start with Newcomers, at least initially, to learn the basic techniques/skills. You will also want to check out the Divorce Remedy forum. Then:
If you are dealing with the specific issue of Infidelity, you might like to check out that forum.
If you are having trouble with a SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE, you may also like to find some support and creative solutions on that forum.
When your spouse is really willing to work with you, and has stopped talking about leaving, you are PIECING. I'll explain later, but it's important to catch that step and act accordingly. This is the space in which to really build your skillset and strengthen your relationship. You may find you backslide here, that's ok. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off--you're still 'Piecing' unless you really want to join a different forum. There is no need to go back to newcomers. You just begin again with a 'Beginner's Mind' if you need to.
Later, when you feel yo uare on more solid ground or that you have advanced, we have a forum for you if you'd still like to work on your DB skillset and get support: After Reconciling--Keeping the Changes Going.
We have other forums that you may want to check out, but this is the 'nuts and bolts'.
Hi, I'm not sure how to contact a mod here. I don't think PMs are allowed? I tried to change my display name about three or four days ago. It said it had to be approved by a mod. I'm just not sure if I done it right though. Can someone loil In to it for me please?
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Going to Post this here so I can find it again if I need it.
How to find a user on DB
Go up to MY STUFF Click on Watch List Click on Watched Users Click on Edit Watched Users Click on Add a user to list Type in user - "Never Give UP" Select her as a watched user. Click on her name Click on show all posts. Click on Topics
Since I seem to be using this thread for helpful hints about using the DB forum, here is another tidbit.
If you are reading someones posts, using the SHOW POSTS function. And they have a lot of posts, you may want to go to a certain page of the listing. So in the bottom right corner it say pages 1-xxx Then there is a black downward facing arrow. If you click on that arrow then you can enter a page number.
Took me about 2 years to figure that out.
Also the forum defaults can be changed to put more or less posts on a page.
Or you can change what is displayed to look at older posts.
There is a lot of information here but it takes some work to find it all.
Hi d mod, I started my initial thread (H is back in Replay after a brief period of sanity) this past Sunday. I know it takes you some time to plow thru all the posts of folks under moderation, but I'm starting to wonder if mine was lost somehow. Should I repost it or wait longer? Thanks Linda M
Me - 60 Husb - 59 Married - 38 years 2 Sons - 27, 38 Bomb - 1/10 EA - 9/09-9/11, 7/12-9/12, 1/13-present PA - 2 weeks in 3/13 Still living in same house "as friends"
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Perhaps more for those who have been at this a little while and thinking that DB is not working for them or wondering WHY it seems not to be working, but also for newbies to help them understand the pitfalls of not doing the work:
What do I do if I completely failed and W wants D. Specifically asked me to let her go?
Me 32 W 30 Married 11 D10, S6 BD#1 January of 09 OM#1 2005 OM#2 Dec 08 OM#3 March/April of 09 Back together August 09 OM#4 May 13 W moves out June 2013 BD#2 June 21 2013 Filed July 2013 D final in Oct
That happened to nearly all of us. You DB. You become someone only a fool would leave. You work on yourself, detach, follow the 37 rules. That is exactly why we're all here, pretty much. You are in good company here.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi. I am new to this site and I am miserable. I am currently writing this while I am lying next to a man I do not know anymore. We have been married for 18 years. We have always been a really tight couple but 3 years ago my husband lost his job and took a job that sees him traveling every week out of the country to fun foreign places. At first it was ok but I hate it. Gradually we lost contact with friends and family. And then he stopped saying he loved me that frequently. Then in April he told me he could see us separating after the kids graduated in the next 6 years. Then in May he told me that he would never forgive me for the career mistakes HE made in our marriage. Then a week later he told me he just doesn't love me anymore but he is going to try for the next two years until our oldest daughter graduates. But then if it doesn't work by then he is leaving me because he has always wanted to live alone and it would give me time to remarry while I am young. However he wants to have sex all the time. More than ever. He is seriously depressed about his job but then the next day argues how great it is. I just say nothing. He spends all his time learning french. I took the girls on vacation because he was working and he mad a huge deal about how great it was to be alone but all he did was drink . Since I got back he told me that I have 20 months to get my self together or he is leaving. But I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. He can't tell me one thing. He has been cruel to me and is lavishing attention on our youngest child. Now I am stuck at his parents house with him for two weeks. In private he is complaining how miserable he is and how he didnt want to come. And being overall cruel and cold to me but In Front of his parents he is being nice and like his old self. I am just so sad as I see this person I love so much being cruel and cold and really mean to me. I really need help here.
Fighting for my life W=45 H=38 M=18yrs D=16 D=13 Bomb Dropped = 5/10/13 Still in house for I guess another two years according to him.
Hello everyone , I'm excited to become a member of the online community . Looking forward to posting and getting other perspectives on my situation . Would really appreciate hearing from you all. This is really a test post to see how it all works ! Thanks
You must be feeling miserable right now. On the bright side he has opened up and actually shared with you that something is wrong! I know you probably think I'm crazy right now, but he is sharing with you that things need to change! Most men do this in their heads and then one day...kablooey! He is still under the same roof, and he is still having relations with you! These are two positives. There are a lot of marriage books . I'm waiting on Divorce Remedy, but am in the middle of many books. His Needs Her Needs is a good one, that may give you some insight. Also, you may benefit from the Gottman Institue web site. He sounds angry and as if he is holding some resentment...even though he says two years, the fact that he is verbalizing now may be him getting closer to taking action. Time is of the essence, start reading ! I didn't get such an in your face message, my spouse just gave me a sentence here and there, and I didn't understand that there was much more going on in his head. Keep posting and venting!
MLC=[censored] to be him
empathy: putting myself in his shoes and fighting like Hell for our marriage
" I will see you again...this is not where it ends..."
I am experiencing the same thing. I dont like waiting and it doesnt seem like these boards are that active. I think if the approval process wasnt so stringent I think people would be here more often and the retention rate would be much higher.
Just answered this question and thought I would also post the answer here so I could find the answer again if someone needs it.
Originally Posted By: NASCARDaddy
I do have one question that is related to board operations and not to my situation.
Is there any way that I can set it up to receive e-mail notification when there are new posts in threads that I am following?
OK I have been researching this question as I do not use this function but it DOES work.
I have just tested it and got my first e-mail from DB.
Let me see if I can explain it.
There are quite a few steps to set it all up.
1) At the top of your topic it says - New Reply - and then another box that says topic options.
There is a drop down menu and one of the choices is to "Add topic to your Watched Topics" - select that.
Then go to "MY STUFF" and click on "WATCH LISTS" Then another page comes up and you must click on "Watched Topics" and then "Edit Watched Topics"
Then you will get a choice of E-Mail Notification None Immediately
Select Immediately Then at the bottom hit UPDATE WATCHED TOPICS.
That should set it up correctly, it is working for me. Good Luck!
Cadet (or others) Realize it's been a long time since you posted this, but I'm stuck.....
First, the "add topic to your Watched Topics" doesn't work, as it does not show up in my watch list. Is that because I'm new?
Second, when I want to check email notification, the only option I see is to get notification for a whole forum like "For Newcomers" and not the individual thread like "Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes" which I'd like to follow. Is there an option for this?
Just answered this question and thought I would also post the answer here so I could find the answer again if someone needs it.
Originally Posted By: NASCARDaddy
I do have one question that is related to board operations and not to my situation.
Is there any way that I can set it up to receive e-mail notification when there are new posts in threads that I am following?
OK I have been researching this question as I do not use this function but it DOES work.
I have just tested it and got my first e-mail from DB.
Let me see if I can explain it.
There are quite a few steps to set it all up.
1) At the top of your topic it says - New Reply - and then another box that says topic options.
There is a drop down menu and one of the choices is to "Add topic to your Watched Topics" - select that.
Then go to "MY STUFF" and click on "WATCH LISTS" Then another page comes up and you must click on "Watched Topics" and then "Edit Watched Topics"
Then you will get a choice of E-Mail Notification None Immediately
Select Immediately Then at the bottom hit UPDATE WATCHED TOPICS.
That should set it up correctly, it is working for me. Good Luck!
Cadet (or others) Realize it's been a long time since you posted this, but I'm stuck.....
First, the "add topic to your Watched Topics" doesn't work, as it does not show up in my watch list. Is that because I'm new?
Second, when I want to check email notification, the only option I see is to get notification for a whole forum like "For Newcomers" and not the individual thread like "Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes" which I'd like to follow. Is there an option for this?
Thanks Harold
Re-read my instructions above, you must use the "TOPIC OPTIONS" dropdown first.
I was just able to add that topic to my list. You must first go in the topic and then use the dropdown menu, and it added right to my list.
It is also possible that you need a minimum of 10 posts for this to work, I am not sure about that part.
Hi. New here, and just wondering if I am missing something. I have posted three times, in my own thread, as suggested, but only one post has shown up after several days. I am desperate for help, so if there is something I should be doing differently, I'd love to know about it.
How to I unsubscribe from emails? I really don't want my H seeing all these "Divorce Busting" emails popping up.
He might get the wrong idea. (*wink*)
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
As a newcomer to the board - one month’s experience now - I was thinking about the basics whilst lying awake this morning and I remembered how I had difficulty interpreting what is often the first welcoming reply to a new thread by Cadet.
I don’t mean to be impertinent: after all everyone does a fantastic job here and you have helped so many people: it is very much appreciated. Anyway I have jotted down a few thoughts: I’m sure everyone will take them in the spirit intended.
I’ve just done a day’s UX work and thought I could bring to bear some of the thinking involved. UX? what is UX? UX stands for User eXperience. You see, if you don’t know what an acronym stands for, it gets in the way.
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL. I think some, in a confused state of mind, may interpret ‘get out’ as ‘get out of the marriage’, so perhaps ‘go out’ would be preferable and convert to GAL simply to ‘get a life (GAL)’.
DETACH. I hadn’t read DB yet, so this was confusing for me. I think it could do with a brief explanation. I first thought of ‘free yourself from your current emotional entanglement’ but I’m sure others could come up with something better.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Again I was confused, time to what? All I knew was I felt despair. Perhaps stress something like time to step back, see who you are, sort yourself out and rebuild your life.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I am also a newbie. But I am finding the "detach", GAL, and the "Gift of Time" ideas really helpful.
For me, before I found this website and read DR, I was obsessing about my separated W. I had my W's photos on my computer, and I'd like to look at them. I would call my W for the lamest of excuses. I would text her nice things, even though we were separated for over 11 months (now over a year).
By detaching, I am thinking about her less. I removed the photos from my computer. I never call or text her. And it's working. I feel like a normal person again.
"The gift of time" really is a gift. I am exercising, a great way to relieve stress, and I get the benefit of getting into shape AND losing weight. I get to think about what is important to me. To see friends. I see what I enjoy in life, and to weigh whether the good parts of my marriage outweigh the bad parts of the marriage. By being away from the situation, I can see more clearly what is taking place around me, and this really is a gift. I hope this is helpful. Good luck.
As a newcomer to the board - one month’s experience now - I was thinking about the basics whilst lying awake this morning and I remembered how I had difficulty interpreting what is often the first welcoming reply to a new thread by Cadet.
I don’t mean to be impertinent: after all everyone does a fantastic job here and you have helped so many people: it is very much appreciated. Anyway I have jotted down a few thoughts: I’m sure everyone will take them in the spirit intended.
I’ve just done a day’s UX work and thought I could bring to bear some of the thinking involved. UX? what is UX? UX stands for User eXperience. You see, if you don’t know what an acronym stands for, it gets in the way.
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL. I think some, in a confused state of mind, may interpret ‘get out’ as ‘get out of the marriage’, so perhaps ‘go out’ would be preferable and convert to GAL simply to ‘get a life (GAL)’.
DETACH. I hadn’t read DB yet, so this was confusing for me. I think it could do with a brief explanation. I first thought of ‘free yourself from your current emotional entanglement’ but I’m sure others could come up with something better.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. Again I was confused, time to what? All I knew was I felt despair. Perhaps stress something like time to step back, see who you are, sort yourself out and rebuild your life.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hi odsnt
Thanks for the critique.
This post came from a much longer post that I put up on the MLC boards. And I agree with you that it does not give as much direction or help as possible. It is made to get you to start to think about DB. And of course to bump up newbies threads to the top of the board.
Due to the way moderation works here, a brand new poster may be 6 pages back when their post finally surfaces from the queue. So that is part of the reason I started to post this welcome.
Anyways I think you have valid ideas. And I would also welcome you to post to as many newbies as possible and get them started on their journey.
Thanks Cadet, I'll check out that post and endeavour to post more frequently on other newbies threads. I know it helps when ou know someone out there is listening.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
How to act towards husband who just served me divorce papers? I wamy our marriage to work. I have 20 days to respond to court. I can either agree or request conciliation services which puts it on hold. I need a lawyer in order to respond in agreement. He filed divorce himself without lawyer. Presently, I avoid contact with him because I'm feeling so hurt and just want to avoid conflict. How do I leave the door open for him to change his mind without appearing weak? I betrayed his trust. I have mixed emotions about whether it's worth the effort. He has rejected me repeatedly throughout our marriage and refuses to learn about how to nurture a relationship. He's now very callous and cold. I know our relationship cannot remain the same. Please Help.
be nice to get feedback.