I'm in incredible need of advice and support. My wife of 9 years told me "I love you" on the morning of May 10 and then that afternoon told me that she wanted to separate and was moving out. I was devastated, because I had been asking what was wrong and she just said nothing and that she was tired. I begged her to go to counseling, and she refused. I went anyway and the councilor assured me that she was just over worked, over stressed and like a pressure cooker ready to blow unless she let off some steam. The Councilor told me to back off, give her some space and suggest my wife make an appointment at her convenience. I did just that. Amazingly my wife made her own appointment to go see this councilor on Thursday, and txted me at 230 that day saying she would be joining me at my appointment the next day. I was ecstatic. I showed up to my appointment, my wife walked in 5 minutes later, sat down, and then proceeded to tell me she was moving forward with her plan and pursuing a divorce. She and the Councilor then continued to try to convince me for the next 45 minutes that I should have "seen the signs" and that it was over. I need to MOVE ON. I was/am devastated. My wife gave me the "it's not you it's Me" speech. Told me that she thinks that I'm amazing dad, and man but she can't give me what I deserve. She loved me once, but doesn't anymore. Not sure how she can think that this will be better for our two boys (8 and 5) in the long run. She admitted that for the last several years with a few rare exceptions, she had just been going through the motions, hoping the changes that I was being asked to make personally would change the way she felt about me. They didn't. I've read and RE-read the DR over the last week. But I'm lost.
I'm Praying every day that God shows me the path and Lightens her heavy heart. I've been doing the last resort tactic, but I have no idea if it's working or not. I'm lost and I need help. I Love her with all my heart and I was under the impression that beyond some intimacy issues (she rarely wanted to have sex) that things were fine with us. I've read book after book on how to better myself or our marriage, but she would choose to Re-read Twilight for the third time than to read the book I had suggested.
I'm at a complete loss. She moves out with our two boys on Friday June 1. We will continue to interact because of the boys, but she says she just wants to be "my Friend." It's killing me.
I suppose that I should post some of our history as well. I'm currently 40 and she is 31. We Met almost 14 years ago and dated off and on for a few years. I messed up and kept another relationship going on the side even after she moved in. She found out and moved out of our home. I went to see her one evening to talk, and we ended up pregnant. 3 months later we decided to get married *(it's because of this she says our foundation is cracked and therefore the marriage was doomed to fail, I completely disagree). Because of some very selfish reasons, I was still seeing the other woman, and my wife moved out again one day while I was at the fire station. Came home to an empty house. I got blind drunk, called up the "other" and she ended up pregnant. I now have a daughter that I only get to see once every 2 months because I chose to work things out with my wife. Which we did and she moved back home shortly after the birth of my first son. Things were rocky for a while and we went extended periods of time without any physical intimacy. At one point after not having sex for 6 months we ended up pregnant with my second son. It was at this time (5 years ago)that because I was so lonely and needed an ego boost that I posted my profile to an online adult site. Not in an effort to get sex (I had learned that lesson) but just to have someone tell me that I was desirable. To be flattered. My wife found the profile and moved into the Guest room. She moved back about 2 weeks later because our son was starting to ask questions. It was after that, that I went back to my faith. Completely quit with all the online stuff, and made the changes that she asked me to make. Unfortunately, she thought that the changes that I made in myself would effect the way that she felt about me. It didn't change. So she has been acting the "good wife" for the last 4 years with a few exceptions, but she has told me that she is done hoping that she would feel differently and wants to close this chapter and start a new one. God knows and I know that I've made mistakes in my life and in our marriage, but I learned from them and am a completely different person now, to my wife's admittance. I know she had every right to divorce and leave me 9 years ago, but I thought we were past that. Apparently, I was, she wasn't.
I have no idea what to do. I know in my heart that our relationship suffered because we never dealt with the pain and betrayal she felt, and because life got in the way of US. We never made time for just her and I to work on OUR relationship. MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED. I also know in my heart that if she would just give it a chance we could make this work and remind her that she does still love me, it's just been lost. I just don't know how to get her there.
I'm currently on a vacation that we had planned and paid for long before all this happened with another family from our church. I was told by my wife that I was welcome to come as long as I understood that we would sleep in separate rooms and that it would change nothing. She Left a day early though so she could go back and pack without the kids under her feet.
She still does nice things for me on occasion (bring me coffee, give me money cause she thinks I'm broke, allowed me to come on vacation, touched me casually during a conversation like she used to). So I know my wife is in there somewhere, but I catch her lost in thought or gazing into the distance "zoned out" when she thinks I'm not looking. When she knows I'm looking, she smiles at me sweetly. I just need to know how to get her to come back out.
Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated. thank you for your time and efforts in this matter. be good and stay safe...
W and my boys have moved out to an apartment as of today. Could really use some advice. Where do I go from here? Can this be saved? Do I keep wearing my wedding ring as a part of last ditch effort...? I need help.
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
Fire take a deep breath and calm down. Sorry u find yourself here but it is the right place for u at this time. Good tha t u read DR. There are 37 rules to follow but can't post them from my phone. WIill do soon. Stop Persuing begging crying pleading. Your W will not find that attractive. This will take time and lots of patience. I would call to check on the kids as often as u need. But call to check on the kids not the. wife.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I would try to keep in contact with your kids daily. They are the ones that are going to be hurt the most in the long run and need to keep contact with both parents. Do you have a visitation agreement setup? If not, you need to do that immediately.
What your wife is going through is nothing new. She is 31 and you have been married for 9 years? So the question she is probably telling herself is "I have never had a chance to live, I have to do it now before it is too late." W in transition, MLC, whatever. There could be more to your situation, but it seems a consistent thing.
She wants space. Give it to her. You can't flip-flop on this. It is going to completely hurt and s#ck. Know that it will get better.
My situation is similar with my W. When she told me, I begged, I pleaded. I showered her with ILYs and attention. Her mind was made up long before she told me so remember you are fighting a losing battle right now.
I decided to detach, go dark/dim and GAL. For almost a month, it hurt bad. Lost weight, couldn't sleep, didn't want to eat. Now I sleep. I eat again. You will too.
I believe what I am doing is working. My W is more receptive to me. 95% of the things I do with her is family related. I am keeping it this way to avoid pressure.
Here is what you will probably be hearing soon, just ignore it, it is typical: - ILYBNILWY = I love you but not in love with you - I am not attracted to you anymore - I just need time to think - I need my space
Hang in there. The point you are at is the worst. It will get better. Just start working on GAL and becoming a man only a fool would leave.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
thank you all for your advice... I have been doing the Last Resort tactic for about a week... with one slip up telling her I missed her looking for comfort after finding out my mom broke her leg for the third time in a year and was going to require a third surgery... as you said, I got no response... just got off the phone checking on my boys and telling them goodnight... they seem to be doing fine... as far as visitation, because of our work schedules, she is relying on me to be her primary child care, which I am fine with... I will keep the boys with me as often as she will let me... was extremely difficult, but I kept convo light, and happy, didn't ask her a thing about her day, just kept it about kids and what time I could get them tomorrow... she actually asked about MY day and how I'm feeling (been sick with sinuses) and asked about my day tomorrow... and on top of it all apologized for leaving the house a wreck and offered to come clean it... (I declined and told her I could take care of it... I hope that I'm doing this right... hoping to schedule a phone call with DB coach next week to make sure I'm on track...
as far as what I'll be hearing, I have already gotten the "I Love you as the father of my kids, but I don't LOVE you"
and I've also been told "I just want to be your friend"
which I feel is my IN to winning her back... I hope/pray/believe that this can be fixed... just going to take time... will keep you all updated... thanks for the support....
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
Sandis 37 rules - read and follow to the letter. Do not make the same mistakes many of us have made. Good luck, I will check back soon.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Thank you very much for posting the "rules"... I appreciate it... I will take them to heart... been doing a majority for a week now... doing my best to GAL and go dark other than where kids are involved...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
Wow, thanks for being honest. In writing it out, were you able to appreciate your wife's side of this?
When there was little physical intimacy and you posted on the adult site, were you talking to your wife about how you were feeling? You've probably figured out, or read, that men and women see and experience sex very differently. Did you try to work on those issues?
Have you read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It? The 5 Love Languages might also give some insight.
Good luck, this is a long slow process. Read old threads, when you find posters who resonate with you, search out other posts by them. You will find a ton of knowledge and help here.
Call and talk to your kids when you feel you want to. Don't call to talk to your wife. She doesn't want to talk to you now. Be a great father to your kids.
Other than you issues with fidelity, what other complaints does your W have about you?
What do you know you need to change?
What are you doing to change?
How are you GAL?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
