Hi all, I'm relatively new to all this and really don't even now if this is the place for me. I'll give a quick rundown and you guys let me know. First, I am already divorced, and since this is DB, well, since its already happened is there any point?
Next, in a simplistic form, which I can expand on greatly if I am in the right place, what am I seeking? -continue to learn what happened in my marriage -continue to learn what was my part in at all -continue to learn what I should be doing now for myself -continue to get support and yes, the thing many people want at this point: -after I do what I need to do for myself, and without her, is it possible to reconcile now that we are divorced
I'll keep it at that for now until I get confirmation that I'm in the right place...
Ok, well, no responses yet, that's ok, I've read in other threads that I should just post another day's experience if I need to. mmmm, well, just some back ground info - we got together just over 6 yrs ago, got married 2 yrs later - madly in love, soul mates, the who nine yards. Yes, we were also high school sweethearts 20 yrs ago but split up after college took us our separate ways. Had not had any contacts whatsoever for those 20 yrs then I got the "is this you" email just over 6 yrs ago. We both had been married and divorced (to other people) at that point and when I got that email...well, lets just say I knew exactly who it was from and exactly what it meant. We went through the normal (and amazing) reconnection stages after the first email contact, moved into phone conversations, then about 2 mnths into what was already a long distance relationship we met in a third city. I walked into a dark hotel room, we both were completely nervous, she was lying on the bed (fully clothed), I walked in, laid down, and just held her, for the first time in 20 yrs, all night long....it was an amazing weekend to say the least, all the chemistry we had as kids (I say kids, we were 17/18) was still there 110%. After that weekend we knew what we wanted to do and started making plans and changing out lives. 4 months later I was extracted from my city in Canada and living in Texas with her. The next 4 yrs were amazing, we were so into each other as we had always been, she had a daughter from a previous marriage and I treated her as my own (without getting in between her and her dad), I got to know her ex, and we just started living life together...around the end of the 4th year I started getting bogged down by work and stressed. I stopped connecting with my friends as much, stopped planning things, stopped being pro-active...worse part is, I didn't even see that I was doing it. I see know that she was trying to tell me but I didn't "hear" her, she spoke to lightly about it and I just didn't get how important it was. After another year she threw in the towel and hear I am 5 months later, divorced. All that said, as is usually the case, the divorce awoke me. I have been living life 110% for the last 5 months and gaining so much from it, new friends, better mind, body, and spirit - all with a broken heart. I asked her once, while the divorce was going through, if she would consider getting back together after we divorced..."a lot would have to change" is all she said...
What am I doing now? Well, continuing on with all the new stuff I started 5 mnths ago, I've dated once or twice, it was nice but no real connection. I'm not really interested in it but I have had a issue with not "doing" things in my life so I am just doing things - just to stay active and engaged. Yes, that is it, that is how I would define it, I was not ENGAGED in life and I can see how that can start to get draining to a partner.
So, I'm living, not bugging her, but, also, like many others here, want to figure out if reconciliation is possible, when the time is right....
Ok, that took a lot out of me, time to get some sleep...
<Why were the two of you divorced in previous marriages?> We both were in previous marriages and with those mates for over 15 years. For me, I loved my first wife but was not "in love" with her like "that". I was in it for a long time, over a decade but we separated and as we reached the end our divorce waiting period mandated where we are from I was contacted by her...I can't speak in 100%'s when it comes to questions like "if she never came into the picture could I have reconciled with my first wife", but I can say we were a couple of months from the end of the waiting period and we both had gone on with our lives with very little contact. No kids, with either of them.
For her, I can't speak to the type of love they had, only they can do that. What I know, and this is her side of the story, they were together since college, had a child, ran a big home business, did very well financially and her ex basically disconnected from the marriage and pretty much put all into making more money and buying bigger houses. His family was very poor as a child and he told her in college he was never going to live like that. I just think he was happy with living like that and not being connected and she wasn't.
Yes, I already know, you can take a look at both of our first marriages and it seems we both basically gave up on the long haul - and now it seems that what she did with us.
No, not a rebound - as far as I can tell. I had zero interest in connecting or dating anyone...except of course HER, the one, the only, the soul mate, the high school sweetheart, etc, etc. As you can tell, I am somewhat sarcastic, and I know that some don't believe in the soul mate thing. All I can say is how I felt about this girl since I bumped into her in junior high...she was in my heart for the next 20+ yrs...
<Sounds like the romantic portion of the relationship wore off and the marriage failed.> This is how I see it after a lot of counseling and some talk with the ex after she dropped the divorce. Yes, we had tons of chemistry, were very attracted to each other, and always felt that the love we felt for each other was threw the roof. Neither of us connected with another person in that way since we broke up during our first year of a long-distance college relationship - we had known each other since 7th grade and started the bf/gf things in 9th grade till college - about 4yrs. As I said, the first 4 years as adults was amazing, loving, in love, amazing physical relationship. etc, ect, BUT...that was part of the problem. We were sooo into each other because we had not had that type of connection for the previous 20 yrs that I now see that it was just about us. We didn't hang out much with other friends, we didn't have many individual interests, we were basically just riding a love high for 4 yrs and while it was amazing you can't ride that forever. Life started catching up - for example, I worked from home, didn't connect with many friends and she basically had Zero alone time at home. I got stressed from work but didn't look for another job to be happier with, I didn't drive due to meds I was taking but didn't go to the doc to see if there were new meds (the ones I was taking were 20 yrs old!) and she had to drive everyone everywhere all the time. Every once in a while she would say things like "do you think you might want to go to the doc to see if you can start driving again" or "if your not happy at this job why don't you look for another", or "is there anything you could do for fun or as a stress reliever from work"...etc. But I didn't really "hear" her, it didn't click that this was important to her, that she wanted me to get more engaged in life. So, that's a lot of my part for a start.
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Originally Posted By: 4311
Originally Posted By: cadet
What you must do will seem very COUNTERINTUITIVE.
How do I find out what I "must" do?
First thing would be to read DR and maybe DB. I might suggest that you learn as much as possible about relationships, marriage, and love as you would not want this to happen again in the future.
There is a wealth of information on this board and on the internet. You are going to find it by reading, posting and learning.
Try the MLC forum for some really good links.(Find one of my welcome posts there) I would suggest after DR and DB you read the five love languages by Gary Chapman. Also find the thread on pursuit and distance, or read the book Solo Partner.
Is your ex wife in a relationship with someone else?
I am giving you lots of work to do. One of the thintgs that I learned here is that I can either teach you how to fish, so you will never go hungry or I can give you a fish and then you will need another one tomorrow. I would prefer you learn how to fish.
Yes, she is. We both have dated. I have no idea what level she is at with anyone else.
Another really tough part is missing my ex-step-daughter. My ex has allowed the relationship between my ex-step-daughter and I to go where it may but my ex-step-daughter, 10, was really angry at us both, and in general is not comfortable spending time with me now. We've hung out a few times, and, this was a tough one, twice she would be in my ex's car driving by (we still live in the same complex) and she would open her door and just run towards me and grab on and not let go....really pulls on the emotions...
I really want all this to work and have really been putting all kinds of effort into living my daily life now. Before I even think about if reconciliation is even possible I want to do as much as I can to better how I live my life, to better me. I am good enough as I am IF I am happy with myself - I am not - I want to live my life more. I know this happened for a reason and I intend to learn from it and take advantage of this energy it has given me in every way.
I'm only about 5 mnths into it and have a long way to go...
