Time for a new thread. Second verse...same as the first? I sure hope not.
So OW appears to be out of H's life, who knows, but seems genuine. He seemed very upset both that he wasn't talking to her anymore and that he went as far as he did with her. It's hard to tell if she dumped him, but almost seems like he let go of her after learning that it was impossible to just be friends or the guilt of what he did made it impossible for him to be with her. So I thought, yay. OW over, he's going to move towards his rock bottom.
But now I've reached a "what the heck is this" moment. He has taken up to cybering/video sex with an out of state, previous co-worker. Except this time, it is 100% physical, no emotions. She calls him by pet names, makes advances for them to meet up, and he ignores it. It looks like all conquest to him, with no desire for meetup or relationship. This co-worker actually got fired for inappropriateness on the job. Easy target me thinks. I think he has approached other women with innuendo who are not responding, but this one is, and she doesn't know anything, not even that we are separated.
What's interesting to me is I know he finds me super attractive, but he has not made any kind of move on me, but seems ready to pounce on any other woman who gives him the time of day. He doesn't flirt with me or anything. Maybe he respects me, doesn't want to hurt me, doesn't feel good enough for me, couldn't handle me rejecting him?
Everything else seems to be the same. He's depressed, workaholic who stays locked in his apartment after work and all weekend watching TV shows.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Hopper, Your h is out there looking for something that isn't really there. He wants the fantasy, whereby there are actually no strings attached. What he's doing is feeding his ego and when it comes to you and who you are...there is a lot of work to love and commitment comes along w/the package.
Keep in mind, this is your h's journey and you weren't invited on it. He's out there searching for something to fill the hole deep inside of him that was left when he was emotionally stunted as a child. Happiness comes from within and not from outside sources and he's got to learn all of this before he can grow up and be a mature man.
He knows that you love him and that you are "waiting" for him. He knows what he is doing is huring you, but he's doing it anyway because it makes him feel better and it gives him that rush he needs to feel better about himself.
You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Please don't take his actions personally because this is all about him and him only.
BTW, he's no where near hitting bottom and it's going to take a long time before he does. He's not hit enough brick walls to make him realize that he's going to lose everything good in his life.
Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's kind of strange, but I feel better about him going after multiple women. The thought of him being in a relationship/couple with OW was hard to get out of my mind, but him not having any commitment to anyone makes it easier, plus that he seems to be more of a fantasy level try to avoid any kind of real attachment or commitment or relationship. It's just about wanting all these women to want him. I wonder if a relationship is just way beyond his capabilities to function and that's why the OW was cut off.
I totally see your point now. It's not about sex as much as conquest/feeding his ego and there wouldn't be any of that if he went for me. This too is strangely better in my mind as well. It seems like if he gets rejected, one of them tells him no atm, he cuts them off.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
"The op provides the following to mlcers: flattery, attention, easy sex, admiration without accomplishment, shallow attachment, infatuation, fantasy, and centrality.
Real love is a lot of work and they don't want to work on anything during the crisis. They want fun and be able to do whatever they want when they want and that's why the op is so very easy for them because true love is not a part of the scenario. As I have mentioned before, they are roommates and f@ck buddies only."
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't think there's OW with my H but the thought did cross my mind a few weeks ago and I nearly went nuts. I suddenly realized I was obsessing about it, there was nothing I could do about it and I'd better get used to the idea because once we're divorced, he's off to do as he pleases. All I can say is I hope he's happy.
Glad to see that you're able to grasp what appears to be the reality of your H's situation. At least he's communicating with you and talking with you about your R, which I think maybe shows some progress?
You know my prayers are always with you... GG
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
It's kind of strange, but I feel better about him going after multiple women.... him not having any commitment to anyone makes it easier, plus that he seems to be more of a fantasy level try to avoid any kind of real attachment or commitment or relationship. It's just about wanting all these women to want him. I wonder if a relationship is just way beyond his capabilities to function....
I felt the exact same way about my H. When I questioned him about it last April he said "how about if I told you it wasn't one specific woman but that I'm interested in all women". Ya....well....
I really understand, Hopper. You see way more than I did and are able to verbalize. Take it one day at a time.
How are you feeling physically?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Snodderly that was perfect! When I first found out about OW I was destroyed. It was racking my brain about how to stop it, wondering what she had that I didn't. Now I look at her (them) and realize they can't even touch my shadow. In someways I almost feel sorry for them, knowing they are so insecure and being used like a dirty rag. Almost...:)
GG he won't be happy. My H tries to feign happiness, but sorry buddy, happy people don't live their life the way he is. My H opens up every once in awhile, out of the blue. A lot of it I think he is testing the waters and seeing my reaction. My prayers are with you too! You are a strong woman who is going to get through this.
Rh, I totally see that in my H too. He has zero standards. He'd jump on anything at this point, or wants them to want him. I feel like he wants to control them, use them, and then move on. I think it's really pathetic, but i feel really detached from it, like he isn't even my husband. Kind of weird feeling that way. Did your H have an OW?
I'm doing pretty good physically, but hitting third trimester now. I feel like I went from normal to pregnant in a week. My kids are amazing. They're so happy and play so well together. Had the house cleaned today and that always makes me feel happy. Work is going really well. They're bending over backwards for me. Sleeping is still the issue. I wake up at 4 every morning because of baby kicking my bladder, and then I have a hard time going back to sleep because I'm tired but not exhausted and can't turn my brain off.
H called tonight and wants to take the kids the next two Thur so I can go out. That was pretty cool of him. I stopped asking him to take them a month or more ago and I like that he is wanting to spend more time with them.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I've been reading along a bit on your thread - you sound like a strong person dealing with this all. I have a little possible thing to try - for the no sleep problem.
it's been a giant giant problem for me since this mlc fiasco began in my life. sleep deprivation truly prevents me from being/feeling normal.
I've discovered - that i have a tv in bedroom- and i found that if i put in an old vhs tape of a particular, ancient tv show that i like- have seen fifty three million times - and when I force myself to keep my eyes open and watch- i immediately fall asleep. i may wake up more times- but same deal. if i make myself keep watching- it puts me into a coma pretty quickly. i'm assuming because i've seen it so much there's nothing new to be waiting for? i don't know- it works.
maybe you could find something like that- allows your brain to quit thinking and then drifts away on it's own. for me- the thinking and running things thru my mind are a killer. i keep busy in days - but nitetime - impossible to stop it if it wakes me up at 2 or 3 - this show thing seems to work.
good luck. you're doing really great in a bad sitch. it's all sooooo bad - i feel fortified when i read all the threads out there- gals like you - that are carryng on -
today i need to get my pma on and go "do it" . I can always get a giant revelation and end it all - TOMORROW - RITE???
we do hold the ultimate power to be free - should we so desire huh?
xxo good luck - i struggle allll the time with the ow thing. i knew her- i worked with her - we both did. i never ever ever suspected a thing- dopey dopey me. it's will probably (i guess)hurt til i die. my h may never wake up- maybe she's the new love of his life - gag gag - why he doesn't go marry her and die - i don't know. oh well huh? sorry for the venom- it's hard to be gracious some days - isn't it???
"The op provides the following to mlcers: flattery, attention, easy sex, admiration without accomplishment, shallow attachment, infatuation, fantasy, and centrality.
Real love is a lot of work and they don't want to work on anything during the crisis. They want fun and be able to do whatever they want when they want and that's why the op is so very easy for them because true love is not a part of the scenario. As I have mentioned before, they are roommates and f@ck buddies only."
so- exactly how do WE get to sign up and have a mlc? it sounds good to me- I WANT FUN AGAIN - I WANT carefree affection & love - i am not in the least understanding or a good sport.
i wanna be him and walk away to a big fat infatuation & fun time. (where did they stash their brains & memories again? missed that part)
maybe i get my heart- brain- conscience - memories all surgically removed??
nero, I hope that you were joking about signing up for an MLC. Mlc is one of the most painful experiences a person can ever have. Just because you do not see them sitting around crying or have scabs, bumps and bruises doesn't mean that they are not hurting emotionally. Sure, they put on various masks to make people think all is well in their little worlds...but it's not. They are very lost and confused, i.e., jumping from one rush to another. When they are alone at night, that is when the demons come out to play in their heads.
Trust me, you do not want to visit the land of MLC.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
