Just saw this posted on FB by our fearless leader here.
There is a lesson to be learned so I thought I would post this. It is written to everyone here.
When you are having a rough time in your marriage and feel convinced that change is impossible,consider this.
When you got married and you were feeling in love, if someone would have told you that years later, things would be this bad, would you have believed them? Would you have thought it possible for things to have deteriorated so much? Probably not.
Well, guess what. Positive change is just as likely as negative change. In fact, with a little bit of effort and determination, it's even more likely. Healing is a natural tendency. Stick it out. Get some help. Change can happen. Michele Weiner-Davis (via Divorce Busting)
A Not-So-Rosy Valentine’s Day February 11, 2013 Written by Michele Weiner-Davis Mention Valentine’s Day, and it’s bound to conjure up the same mental image for nearly everyone: Romantic dinners at candlelit restaurants, Godiva chocolates, two dozen long-stem roses, sentimental Hallmark cards.
But what if your relationship is on the rocks and Valentine’s Day is just another painful reminder that your life isn’t what you hoped it would be? Then what do you do? I know, this isn’t exactly an uplifting topic, but the truth is, the vast majority of people in my practice are not exactly big Valentine’s Day enthusiasts. My practice generally consists of one spouse who desperately wants out of the marriage and the other who wants nothing more than to live happily ever after. So, February 14th often means hurt, confusion and loneliness . And I would venture a guess that there are many, many non-clinical couples who, though not on the brink of divorce , feel an emotional distance that has them wishing Valentine’s Day would just pass without fanfare.
So, what can you do if a romantic dinner and words of affirmation are not on the agenda for you this year? First, have a plan regarding how you will approach the day. Get some feedback from friends, family or a therapist regarding questions like, “Should I buy my wife a card or get her a gift when I know she is pulling away?” “Would it be a good idea to simply ignore the day or would my spouse take offense?” “I would love to plan a romantic dinner but I don’t know if my husband would feel too pressured.” “We’re separated. Should I even email or text my wife?”
Next, if you’re not going to be with the one you love, plan something nice for yourself.
When I asked people what they could do to avoid throwing a pity party on Valentine’s Day, here’s what some had to say:
“Spa treatments always make me feel special”
“I’m hoping my ‘rocky’ Valentine’s Day turns out better than I’m expecting, but if not, I still plan on getting a new haircut and a facial.”
And I like this one the most- ”My children and I began a new Valentine`s day tradition. We have a big tea party complete with tea sandwiches and scones. I write love notes to each child and we have a lot of fun. Valentine’s Day lost its meaning when my husband and I were separated and I decided to make it special regardless of my situation. He has been home now for over 3 years but we still continue this new tradition and celebrate together as a couple in the evening.”
So, while those of us who are fortunate enough to be with spouses who share our desire to celebrate our connection, years together, children, and history, we should be mindful of those who, for this year, at least, have missed Cupid’s arrow.
Divorce Busting June 9 at 10:29am · When you don't spend enough time together, you stop feeling like you're on the same team. When something annoying happens, it gets blown up out of proportion. When something good happens, you question his or her motives. (He bring her flowers, she wonders what he is feeling guilty about.) Spend time together. It is good for you. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting June 8 at 10:15am · Sometimes, when a person is having an affair and is unhappy in marriage, they tell themselves that if they leave, the affair is the symptom of the problem, not the problem. An affair might develop when there are problems in marriage, this is true. However, once an affair is occurring, it BECOMES an impediment to working on an marriage in earnest. People who stray can NOT see things clearly in their marriages. If you or someone you know is having affair, it definitely detracts from the marriage and clouds one's thinking and feelings. If you want to evaluate your marriage honestly, clear out the clutter, be honest and break off your other relationship. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting June 8 at 10:15am · Sometimes, when a person is having an affair and is unhappy in marriage, they tell themselves that if they leave, the affair is the symptom of the problem, not the problem. An affair might develop when there are problems in marriage, this is true. However, once an affair is occurring, it BECOMES an impediment to working on an marriage in earnest. People who stray can NOT see things clearly in their marriages. If you or someone you know is having affair, it definitely detracts from the marriage and clouds one's thinking and feelings. If you want to evaluate your marriage honestly, clear out the clutter, be honest and break off your other relationship. Michele Weiner-Davis
I found the above interesting. Seems much stronger than some of Michele's previous writings on this, and more like Penny Tupy's "tree limbs thru the roof" analogy of an affair (I think MWD might have even written the Forward to one of Penny's books, so I hope I'm okay in referencing her -- if not, just delete).
It's easier to encourage the wayward spouse to end their affair, for all of the excellent above reasons. Much more problematic when trying to advice the betrayed spouse as to how aggressively & immediately (or not) to attack the adultery impediment.
Divorce Busting June 17 at 9:35am · Therapists make two mistakes when working with couples who have different agendas for their marriages. One- side with the spouse who wants out and encourages the spouse who wants to work on the marriage to quit and accept the inevitable- divorce. Two- side with the person who wants to save the marriage and make the other spouse feel outnumbered. That's when the spouse who wants out becomes defensive and quits therapy and the marriage. If you want to save your marriage, you have to be very careful about seeking professional help. Make sure your therapist knows how to work with spouses who have polarized goals for the marriage! - Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 6/18/2015 If you're fighting for your marriage and not getting positive reinforcement from your spouse or other people in your life, hear this. I know that your fight for your marriage is probably one of the hardest things you've ever done in your life. This is especially true when your spouse doesn't acknowledge or openly appreciate your efforts. This is also true when it seems like nothing you do really makes a difference. But you are making a difference in the world. Believing in marriage and being committed to keeping your family together is a noble mission. It takes courage and strength to fight the good fight. I admire you. You are awesome. Michele Weiner-Davis
