Taking next step with new hurdle

[cbtdad]

Ok! I did not say a word and I will not say a word!!
Everyone is right. Me bringing it up will change nothing and would probably cause an argument that we don't need right now. I went and dropped son off after school we walked in her room cause son wanted to show her his picture he drew at school. She was sleeping. She grabbed the mail out of my hand quickly and said, "why do you have to pick him up so early"
I told her I was near his school and would she had rathered me call her and tell her to pick him up 45 mins later. His school is about 20 mins across town. I did say that kind of aggravated tone after she had snapped at me.
Anyways, I decided to take son swimming and let her go back to bed. So after an hour or so she woke up and I was going on my way. She said she needed to get the portable freezer out of storage room, I told her I would do it for her since its heavy. I went and got it and she said thank you. I then told her sorry for raising my voice earlier, but its hard not to when the first thing she does is snap at me and be short.
I have decided that I will keep as much distance as possible, shut my mouth about OM, trust, R and any other talk that we don't need to discuss. She leaves in a week for this show an returns on May 5th. If we end up at MC great, if not then plan B goes into effect. It's the only thing I can do and it's all I need to worry about. Otherwise all focus needs to be on me an son. And that's what intend to do. Keep the positives coming! I need them
They help keep me on this crazy railroad track

[uRworthy]

Listen, I get that it's real hard to know there is another person. Been there, freakin done that. Not fun.

Here's the thing. NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT. But, I can guarantee that something you say or do about it, is going to change things.

First things first. Is there a specific time you are to drop your son off to her? Are you adhering to it?

She was sleeping and you walked in and you are surprised she snapped? It is not ok to walk into her room, C.

I dont mean to be tough on you. Really I dont. I just want to see you get to where you need to be.

You gotta get out of your head, sweetie.

You have to do the work. Figure out the changes you want to make for you.

You want them to be real and true, so that if your wife moves towards you, she knows they are.

And you want her to see someone of strength and dignity. and with confidence. Someone she can count on.

This is a journey she needs to see through.

Your job is to get out of the way so she can.

The ultimate act of love is letting go.

Come on, C, you can do this.

[cbtdad]

Yes I can! Thanks Urworthy

No, there is no set time I pick him. Or whether I pick him at all. We have a custody agreement that I get him every other weekend from Friday at 5pm to Sunday at 5pm, but we dot go by that at all. I see him almost everyday. He stays with her majority of the time, but I've had weeks as well when she goes out of town. It does make it tougher to detach, but it seems I be the best thing for son. He gets to spend a lot of time with us both.

[uRworthy]

C, when I tried to figure out how to detach around my h, I would try to imagine him as a neighbor. I would be friendly, light, brief, ya know?

It's great that you both spend so much time with your son. So important. But, you might want to ask what time she wants you to drop off your son.

[cbtdad]

It's hard to have a specific time. My schedule varies by day. I am a financial planner donor just depends what appointments have that day. Some days I'm done at noon others 3. Some days not till 11pm.
So sometimes I might have an appt at 1 l, then pick him up at 3, drop him off then head to 5 pm appt.
So this is what I think I'm going to do. I'm going to text her when I do pick him up and ask let her know when to expect us back depending on my schedule.
Also, I just read through MWD last resort technique again.
I'm going to act like this news about OM was BD all over again and start for the begining. Gonna start LRT again.
What are your thoughts on these two things?

[25yearsmlc]

I know it's hard about the OM. Truly.

But just curious, were you working on yourself and changing your ways, before you learned of OM?

If she thinks the only reason you suddenly care is b/c there's competition, it'll take you longer to convince her that you are a changed man. And don't forget this---in her mind, you pushed her into his arms.

So all the "BUT she's WRONG" talk will get you nowhere. She feels justified. Period.

If you want to know why she lies, ask yourself this instead. "Would it be better if she said 'I LOVE OM and want you out of the house'?" Seems to me the longer she denies it, the less sure she is or the more confused she is.

You want her to second guess her choice to leave you.

So do NOT fuel her fire. The fuel of your anger will only serve to confirm her choice to leave.

You need to counter act those negative images she has of you.
Contrast them with new positives.

You need to undermine her negatives so she says to herself, at some point,
"if h is finally becoming who I always wanted him to be, do I really have to divorce?"

Ok! I did not say a word and I will not say a word!!
Everyone is right. Me bringing it up will change nothing and would probably cause an argument that we don't need right now.

correct^^^


I went and dropped son off after school we walked in her room cause son wanted to show her his picture he drew at school. She was sleeping. She grabbed the mail out of my hand quickly and said, "why do you have to pick him up so early"
I told her I was near his school and would she had rathered me call her and tell her to pick him up 45 mins later. His school is about 20 mins across town. I did say that kind of aggravated tone after she had snapped at me.

You probably sounded worse than you realize and that is too bad. B/c she will test you.

Better to kill her with kindness and then pat yourself on the back and tell us here. That way we can see your growth and you will know it's real.

Anyways, I decided to take son swimming and let her go back to bed. So after an hour or so she woke up and I was going on my way. She said she needed to get the portable freezer out of storage room, I told her I would do it for her since its heavy. I went and got it and she said thank you. I then told her sorry for raising my voice earlier, but its hard not to when the first thing she does is snap at me and be short.


sorry to say this, but this^^ is not really an apology. It's a disguised complaint about how SHE spoke to you first...you said you were sorry about how you spoke to her. STOP THEN. Don't negate that first clause with the word "BUT" b/c that's what it does.

it negates the apology. You think you did some out reach but you really just whined about how she spoke to you.

Just be kinder to her and apologize when you are not. Let her see you model the behavior.

She KNOWS how she spoke to you. You do NOT need to point it out.

make sense?


I have decided that I will keep as much distance as possible, shut my mouth about OM, trust, R and any other talk that we don't need to discuss. She leaves in a week for this show an returns on May 5th. If we end up at MC great, if not then plan B goes into effect.


what's plan B? Why not just become a man only a fool would leave? I don't think it's easy but it's not complex. Stop losing your temper and stop obessing.

Start being a kinder more patient man.


It's the only thing I can do and it's all I need to worry about. Otherwise all focus needs to be on me an son. And that's what intend to do. Keep the positives coming! I need them
They help keep me on this crazy railroad track

I would see the lying, in a way, as a positive.

I know that sounds weird. But I'm saying that you are better off than those who have the OP in their face as the chosen one.

Somewhere, she still cares about not hurting you. You can focus on her lies and say that means she does not care

or

you can see that her desire to protect you, (as "Noble" as that's NOT), it's still better than her rubbing your face in it.

See my point?

[25yearsmlc]

Here's a post that a WAW wrote to an LBS man. The LBS h wondered why his wife had not returned to their marriage yet, b/c he had finally changed.

He could not understand why OM still held any sway with his WAW...here's the letter another WAW wrote to him, to try and explain how she related to his WAW...

See if any of this rings true for you...



FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes.

So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "win".

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
_________________________

[cbtdad]

Thank you 25!
You are right on point again.
I need to just continue the focus on me. I have no control on how this will turn out, but I have control over me

[cbtdad]

Also 25,
Thank you form posting that letter. It does make complete sense to me.
It is also why i think i started acting so nutty again when I found out about OM.
I knew it would make reconciliation that much harder.
To answer one of your first questions. Yes, I did start making changes before i found out. I'm pretty sure that's what has her second guessing and contemplating going to MC

[MrCAS]

The name of the new club should be "Negquine".

I had a girl friend years ago that was into horses. It is a consuming hobby. Good thing I am deathly allergic to horses.

Getting serious for moment..

An affair does not have to be a deal breaker. However, if you do choose to accept that it happened, it can not be used as future ammunition in the M. Ever. I mean NEVER. Ask me how I know...

I think my W is starting to connect again with the previous OM on FB. I am choosing to look at it this way... why wouldn't he want her? Hell, she is many steps up for him.

Also remember... a relationship born from a EA or PA, especially a PA, is built on a foundation of lies and deceit. It is not rooted in trust or respect. It may be thrilling but it will rarely last.

Change hurts. It is coming from having to honestly look at yourself and realize that maybe you were a bit of a POS... Well, not me. I was perfect. A perfect AH.

Keep breathing, brother.