It is a foreign feeling. Even with with M stuff, work stuff, the re-fi.... I am strangely calm.
Not quite sure how to handle the thing at work. It is within their rights to check up on employees. Not too sure if they have a right to look at the personal stuff. Doesn't give ma a warm fuzzy feeling about them, though. I kind of feel violated in a way.
The last four months have really been hard. I have worked very hard to purge my inner demons. I feel an immense sense of gratitude to a lot of people here. I couldn't have done it without them.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
It is a foreign feeling. Even with with M stuff, work stuff, the re-fi.... I am strangely calm.
I think you feel this way for a few reasons. You are beginning to find you, M , and you are "getting" the mindset that you can only control yourself. You have let go of some heavy stuff by posting about them here.
Not quite sure how to handle the thing at work. It is within their rights to check up on employees. Not too sure if they have a right to look at the personal stuff. Doesn't give ma a warm fuzzy feeling about them, though. I kind of feel violated in a way.
I dont blame you for feeling that way. Not necessary for them to have done that.
The last four months have really been hard. I have worked very hard to purge my inner demons. I feel an immense sense of gratitude to a lot of people here. I couldn't have done it without them.
I know how you feel about the people here. I could not have gotten through it all without a few very special ones. I am forever grateful. You should be proud of yourself. Wouldnt have mattered what they said if you werent ready to hear it and willing to embrace it.
It is kind of amazing me just how little control I have in most of the things that I have going on.
I was just wondering why my W has no filed for the D like she she said she was going to do. Could it be a control issue? Kind of made me smirk.
I think it was kind of funny how she wanted to rattle the credit union's cage about the re-fi and I told her to let it be because they would make a decision when they were ready.
I was thinking about how getting my old job back is not my decision. It is theirs. All I can do is ask them and wait for their answer and accept what choice that they make.
My circle of influence has gotten smaller in the last five months. My circle of concern got bigger. As long as I concentrate my efforts on the first circle I will be doing good. It is really tempting to peek over that fence, though, to see what I am missing.
I got angry last night with a friend of mine. We were discussing the work thing from yesterday. It made me angry that they know stuff about me that they shouldn't. It was very short lived. I caught myself before it got to a real boiling point.I changed the subject and started talking about something funny instead. A small backslide but I don't think I lost too much ground.
Off to the salt mines.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
The more I get alone The more I see I need to get alone more, more Cause just when I think that I'm alone Your Spirit calls out to me And even silence has a song Cause that's when you come Sing over me
Still, let me be still Let me be OK With the quiet in my heart Still, I want to be still I'm so quick to move Instead of listening to you Shut my mouth Crush my pride Give me the tears Of a broken life, Still
Oh this world, it falls around me And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes But let me choose the solitude Simplicity has always simply changed my life Cause even stillness makes me move Cause that's when my heart Learns to dance with you
Still, let me be still Let me be OK With the quiet in my heart Still, I want to be still I'm so quick to move Instead of listening to you I'm your child Tame my heart Obedience To me impart Still
La la la la la, Hold me La la la la la, Cleanse me La la la la la, Change me, Oh God Change me while I am Still, let me be still And know that you are God And you are always enough Still, I want to be still To take all that I am And simply lift it up
Shut my mouth Crush my pride Give me the tears Of a broken life, Still
Just thought I would share...
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
It is kind of amazing to me just how little control I have in most of the things that I have going on.
My circle of influence has gotten smaller in the last five months. My circle of concern got bigger. As long as I concentrate my efforts on the first circle I will be doing good. It is really tempting to peek over that fence, though, to see what I am missing.
Nah, stay on your side of the fence.
I got angry last night with a friend of mine. We were discussing the work thing from yesterday. It made me angry that they know stuff about me that they shouldn't. It was very short lived. I caught myself before it got to a real boiling point.I changed the subject and started talking about something funny instead. A small backslide but I don't think I lost too much ground.
Not really a backslide. The idea is not that you should never get angry because let's face it, you will. Just make sure it's worth getting angry over. It's how you handle the anger that makes all the difference.
I suppose I will get angry. I did think I handled it pretty good. I owned it right away and apologized... and changed the topic of discussion.
Getting to a different level of acceptance. Got an email from my wife today that didn't require an immediate answer so I didn't. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. I haven't decided yet.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Just watched some MWD videos. They were interesting and helpful.
The MLC stuff really hit home for. I had all of the thoughts she was talking about. I blamed my W for some many things that were not her fault or decisions we made jointly.
I look back at the obsession I started having about mu hair. The obsessive weight control. The resentments from the heart attack and type II.
I am mortal. The heart attack proved that. Up until then I felt invisible. On top of the world. I look at that scar on my chest every day and see just how wrong I was.
I look back and see it was the job issues that I was having regarding not being able to find a job to be the hardest stuff to deal with. The "I am so sorry Mr. MC... you are just too overqualified for this position." Yeah, in other words, you are too freaking old. Horse manure! I am like a fine wine! Getting better with age!
I am becoming more accepting with things. I don't feel the level of desperation did up unto a month or so ago. The panic feelings have no reappeared. I do feel an emptiness inside. Could it be the space the anger filled up?
Some interesting comments made at work... I think they know I changed all my passwords. Like they would really need to know them? Yeah. Lesson learned. Never thought that someone would ever do something like that. Yeah.
Got a little studio job done and shipped off today. Have a really big one to do this week. Nice payday.
Would really love to talk with Mach1... and uR... Coffee? I will bring kanishes...
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
You know, I dont know if you had an MLC or not. Only you would know. Here's the thing. You went through a lot of hard stuff. A lot. It certainly would have made someone with old stuff not having been dealt with and then all of that happening to put you on course for one, though.
I am becoming more accepting with things. I don't feel the level of desperation did up unto a month or so ago. The panic feelings have no reappeared. I do feel an emptiness inside. Could it be the space the anger filled up?
It could be. And it could also be the facing up to things stuffed down for so long. As your anger dissipates, the realization of things with your marriage and your life becomes clearer and it can lead to a feeling of emptiness for a time. And you are thousands of miles away from your old life, in a job you dont like. Go easy on yourself, my friend.
One day, no matter what happens with your wife, that emptiness will be filled up.
Never thought that someone would ever do something like that. Yeah.
My pal, Mach would have something witty to say right here. But I dont possess his wit.
Got a little studio job done and shipped off today. Have a really big one to do this week. Nice payday.
Good on you, M.
Would really love to talk with Mach1... and uR... Coffee? I will bring kanishes...
Ah, kanishes. Ever have a New York kanish with kanish with mustard? Delish. Not sure Mach drinks coffee. Cant remember. He is an excellent cook, though. Dont tell him I said that, it will go to his head.
You're ok, M. Tough stuff, this. It aint for the faint of heart - sorry, no pun intended. You are doing wonderfully. Keep going.
I believe that I did have a MLC. Mach1 brought up the idea and i have done a lot of research into it. I wanted the MWD videos on MLC. I can relate to a lot of the "symptoms" of the MLC. I had to find out what was driving my behaviors and thoughts.
I believe that the reality of everything suddenly brought so many things into focus. I believe that my prayers for clarity were answered and I was shown things i didn't necessarily want to see but things I needed to see.
The fog actually started to lift before i came down here. I really started to look at my wife, my life, my job, everything a little differently. I just didn't know how to stop the process I had started. My pride was a major factor.
What I find funny is now that I have lost, am losing, or might lose everything I had worked for, pride doesn't mean crapola. A lot of good pride does you when you have to start all over again. Pride sandwiches tatse awful no matter how much bread you use. Even the really good brown deli mustard doesn't help.
Am I feeling better? About a lot of things. Happier? Not sure what happy is right now. I am lonely. I feel emotions I haven't for a long time. Yeah, DB'ing ain't for pussies.
Yes, I had a kanish at a Rangers game at the Gardens. I found it a little lacking. I would bet that there are better ones. I do love a good deli sandwich though.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
I had to find out what was driving my behaviors and thoughts.
I have to applaud you, M. It takes real guts to work through all that.
I believe that the reality of everything suddenly brought so many things into focus. I believe that my prayers for clarity were answered and I was shown things i didn't necessarily want to see but things I needed to see.
I know about the stuff you dont want to see, but need to see. And yes, I have no doubt, He answered your prayers.
What I find funny is now that I have lost, am losing, or might lose everything I had worked for, pride doesn't mean crapola. A lot of good pride does you when you have to start all over again. Pride sandwiches tatse awful no matter how much bread you use. Even the really good brown deli mustard doesn't help.
Funny, really? You do have a strange sense of humor. LOL! And ah yes,too much pride can get in the way of a great many things. You know what, though? You had to go through this in order come out the other side. It's all part of the journey.
And now you get to start over with a whole new book of stuff you've learned. So, the next part is gonna look and feel a whole lot different, ya know? You will be coming from a place of strength.
Am I feeling better? About a lot of things. Happier? Not sure what happy is right now. I am lonely. I feel emotions I haven't for a long time. Yeah, DB'ing ain't for pussies.
You will figure out your own definition of happy. A new one. And I am sorry you are lonely. I know what that feels like. This is hard, M. I know. Really hard. But you have to go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff. And you will.
Yes, I had a kanish at a Rangers game at the Gardens. I found it a little lacking. I would bet that there are better ones. I do love a good deli sandwich though.
Yea, I bet that one succked. There are much better ones. Ah, a deli sandwich. You are making me hungry. LOL!
