own a buz - pt 11 ... taking him off the pedestal

[makingmagic]

KD... still waiting for your reply on dropping the rope. I really feel I am doing this.

Still trying to figure out how to cope with my own grief, dealiing wtih rejection, disappoinment and loss. I still wake up very sad and not looking forward to the day ahead. Each night, I am greatful for the strength that God has given me, along with the amazing support of family and friends.

[~ kd ~]

I know that Wonka used "dropping the rope" and detachment as two separate ideas in a sentence when she posted it. I can guess but am not completely sure how she meant it.

That said:

KD ~ I guess I do not understand, I dont understand the relation between dropping the rope (as suggested) vs. external source that confirms my internal choice.

I understand that I need external validation, I am trying to learn to validate for myself. In doing this, I realized that I want more for myself and deserve a happy R (with or without h).

I am only guessing you are an extrovert and if so, how you might process "dropping the rope" and detaching might be different than how I might.

People like myself will take a bunch of external data and then sort through it internally to come to a conclusion. People who operate as you do comes up with a number of things internally and then puts that out to external sources to sort through it and come to a conclusion.

When I speak about your need for external validation, that's what I'm meaning. That you seek the advice of others here, for example, to sort through options to come to a final conclusion.

For the past twenty years, you appear to have specifically sought your H to help you sort through your ideas. What I said was, you don't specifically need him to be your external source. You can seek many others, whether it be family, friends, or whomever.

You appear to be unable to "drop the rope" or detach because you still think you need to rely on him. Find another source. Who might that be, other than us here?

[RosaLinda]

Hi WFM. Sounds like you're going thru a hard time both at home and on this board. It's hard to deal with rejection by someone you loved dearly, who turned into a crazy person. Did you ever start the DB coaching? My coach has helped me a lot, to learn to detach, validate, GAL and even gave me some "scripts" to use when he "pushes my buttons." My mind goes blank and I cannot think of a single validating statement when he makes some hurtful off-the-wall statement so I memorized "I'm sorry you feel like that" (usually appropriate), "You may be right," (grrrrr) and "I hadn't thought of it that way."

I'm not sure what you mean by "dropping the rope." Can you explain?

[~ kd ~]

I will use your message to your H as an example.

I believe you said you spoke to your mom and possibly also your D?

As you described it, you had a few ideas and then you ran it by your mom and they became that external source for you as you came to a final composition of the message to your H.

Unlike a co-D, it does not appear you got them to do it for you, rather, you simply used them as your external source.

In the past, if it were any other context, you probably would have sought your H to work through something like that. You need to find another source other than your H.

Hope those two posts together help it be more clear for you.

And it is just as possible that I am incorrect in my assumption.

[job]

Magic and Linda,
Here is a very simple explanation of "dropping the rope":

"There’s a phrase used in conflict resolution – “drop the rope.” What does this mean? It refers to a tug of war game – you can win by pulling your opponent so they cross the marker, or you can win by simply dropping the rope and refusing to engage in the conflict. In a word, when you are continuing to bang your head against a wall uselessly, just STOP. Let go."

Magic, I believe I am your 108th poster...time for a new thread. Geesh, your thread fill up quickly.

[makingmagic]

No KD... you are correct and I am an extrovert. I have leaned on my h for validation and alot of other things. I am trying not to lean on him at all these days.

Still not sure how to drop the rope tho. How would you drop the rope?

Tx Linda... I will write those down. I cannot afford DB coaching, but am setting up IC this week. I need some more tools.

[job]

Magic,
What I see from all of your postings is that you rely on him for all of your validation and guidance. I may be wrong in this, but it is what I'm getting from your postings. Instead of second guessing yourself or fretting over whether he's angry at what you've said or done, just say to yourself "oh, well..." and let it go. It's another way of saying to detach. You are still allowing his moods and comments to get to you and it's causing you to fret/worry about should I do this, should I do that...in my opinion, you are separated, therefore, you need to live your life for you and stop worrying about what he's thinking, reacting or feeling about what you do. If you are doing your job and doing it well, that is all that matters when it comes to him right now.

Magic, he certainly isn't too worried about how you feel about things right now. He's living his life and he's certainly not sitting around fretting/worrying about you and what he should or shouldn't be doing. In other words, put your big girl panties on and become independent and stronger when it comes to your own life.

Magic, what I'm about to say isn't to be taken as mean spirited, but your postings remind of woman who has been in an abusive relationship because you are scared to do anything on your own w/o him validating and or agreeing to it. I hope I'm wrong about that because you are an intelligent and caring woman you needs to explore the world and come to realize that you are the only one that can may yourself happy, not him, no one. Okay?

[RosaLinda]

Thanks Snodderly, that is perfectly clear! Great analogy. WFM, this is what all of us LBSs need to do -- drop the rope and refuse to engage with our MLCer when he or she is acting crazy or mean or what ever.

Plus....during a tug of war, when you drop the rope, your opponent falls down

[~ kd ~]

Just to put my own final touch on this thread before it's locked:

I think what snodderly just said wfm, is very relevant.

This is where you do appear to have become somewhat co-D.

You are actually seeking validation from your H, rather than simply using him as an external source. It is where your risk is as far as potentially loosing your own core belief systems to that of another, if your external source becomes your source for validation (whether you are good or bad / right or wrong).

Whether or not your H was emotionally abusive (unintentionally or otherwise) is potentially more an artefact of your desire for him to love you so you molded yourself to what you believed he wanted from you.

As soon as you can drop the rope, you will begin to remember more and more your own core values which you've developed over your lifespan. Once you've separated yourself from the M, you will be better able to come to your own conclusions on how you want to move forward. You may decide staying with him is contrary to your core beliefs and needs.

Although... staying with him could also work for you, so long as he does his own work... which would only happen if he chooses to want to work things out with you.

[makingmagic]

Hi Snodderly ~ I do not take your postings as mean spirited. I know you are a kind person just trying to help me. For that, I thank you. You are correct in everything you say. I am "like" an abused woman afraid to have my own thoughts/feelings/ideas for fear it will piss H off, and then he won't want to reconcile. I do need to validate myself.

Linda ~ Yes, dropping the rope to allow him to fall.

KD ~ Yes, Co-D! I am getting and understanding ALOT from reading the CoD No More book. Trying to buy it on ebay. Very Valuable! Yes, I molded myself into what I believed he wanted from me. Wouldn't you say based on my above postings that I am now dropping the rope. I am trying to believe in MY needs and beliefs, wanting MORE for myself. This is why I am defending myself so much with Bond. Everything in the Co-D book suggests for me to do this, but everyone seems to be challenging me here....

Agreeing TOTALLY in your last comment... "if HE chooses to want to work things out with me". He needs to want to do his own work. This is what I have been trying to convey (with much much difficulty).

Actually, I am quite excited to become this new person. I am scared of her too, but still excited. I want to do the work....for me! I want to be the independent person, who is confident, happy and worthy of the love back that I put out.