Hi. I have been perusing the site recently and decided to register. I was a little apprehensive about telling my story, because I am ashamed. I am out of options at this point with my marriage. Long and short of it:
I met my husband about 14 years ago. He is 7 years older, has image issues, and is somewhat self-absorbed. I use to have and anger issue due to unresolved issues from my childhood that I successfully addressed over a 36 month intense therapy period. During this time, I experienced a lot of insight into my own behavior and how it may of may not have contributed to the downfall of my marriage. My husband began an EA/PA in August 2009 I know this because I had a feeling something was going on and it turned out to be true after coming home from a business trip to find my husband kissing a women in the driveway of our home. I was so distraught, I threw cans of soup at him from the garage. I was just irate, and he promised to get help. We actually started seeing a MC, but she was not a proponent of marriage. So we dropped her. My husband 1st left home in January 2010. He was then away for approximately 8 months before he reached out and asked if he had "lost me." We reconciled and spent time getting to know each other again before he moved back into our home in April 2011. I cried both times when he left, but more so the first time around. I begged and pleaded with him. I love him and didn't want him to leave. When he returned home the first time, I realized he was "drifting." He seemed unhappy and depressed. And then in April 2012, he moved out again, got an apartment and said he was done with us because he needed to find his own happiness. I used to ask him what happiness really meant to him and whether there we times where he experienced happiness in our relationship. He said yes, there were time when he felt happy, but he "did not think he was as happy as he should have been."
He could never describe what was making him unhappy. Oh believe me, I kept asking. He lived on his own twice, didn't make friends and according to him, spent most of his time at work. Then he asked if he could move back into our home in July and I told him if this was going to be a rollercoaster ride, then I wanted off. He assured me (at the time) that he was ready to be a faithful and committed husband. However, I find myself her for the same reason....
2 weeks ago, he asked if I was cheating on him because he found a box of condoms in the bottom of a bag in our linen closet. I quickly confessed that there were mine (I bought then in 2010) after he left thinking whatever. I never used them and the box still had all 12 condoms in tack. He said he believed me, but that is when all the troubled started and it makes no logical sense to me.
2 days after that conversation, I am confronted before a business trip that he wasn't sure if the happiness he felt this past year was real. He says that he did put in the work and he was much happier than he had been in all the years we had been together, but he questioned if the happiness was real. Of course with my impending business trip, I because worried and anxious and started pursuing.....emails, text messages, phone calls, etc. We barely spoke while I was away because I felt as thought he was trying to avoid me. When I returned home from my trip, he went from wanting to talk about our relationship to wanting to end it. And to top it off, he took a guys trip to Nee York for the weekend, one night after I returned. And, he barely responded to text messages. Tuesday, August 27, 2013 was the first time we sat down to talk. He won't budge. He believes what he believe and the option to stay together and figure what is wrong is no option for me.
He wanted to talk and I wanted to provide my document list of actions I wanted to improve. I don't believe he values anything, but he told me that he did not want to be with me tonight. H says he loves me, but he does not to be with me.
I am so confused and don't know what to do. I am all out of options.
OLD THREAD: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380569#Post2380569
Me: 44 Him: 51 Married: 9 years Together: 14 years
I am new here and my marriage is over...I have now where to go for people to understand the depth of the pain I am experiencing.
My Husband asked me for a separation and divorce this morning. This not the first time. This is the 3rd.
Sometime in early 2009, my husband began a PA/EA with someone at work. This was not apparent to me until the summer of that year after I returned home from a business trip early because I had a feeling that "something" was not right. Well, I was right, and caught him with her in our driveway. Of course I was upset. I had a lot of other things going on with me, the loss of my baby sister and pressure at work. I was angry about everything and it showed.
That was not an excuse for him to step out on the marriage. He had to admit the affair because he was caught. I threw things at him and the day ended with him (now I realize) manipulating me saying he would never do that again and that he loved me and wanted it to work out. We began to see the worst MC I think we could find. However, we stopped seeing her as I soon began to realize that she was supporting his justification for stepping out. Months role by and we are tiptoeing around everything and then on New Year's Day he packs his stuff and walks out saying he needed to find his own happiness. I was a mess. I cried, I pleaded, I begged. Then I stopped. While I did drop about 22 pounds in about a month and a half, I started running and working out again in the spring. He then called to say he was being deployed to Afghanistan and that he needed me to complete paperwork. Then a month before he was to deploy, I was served with official separation papers, but because he was being deployed, I would not be able to serve him with anything until he returned to US soil. I didn't speak to him again until August 2010 (this is after I detached for months) and I decided to answer a Skype call from him. We talk and he said he wanted to try our marriage again. I told him that I was not sure and we just talked of and on until he asked me to travel overseas to visit him while he took a 2 week leave. I travelled to Germany in November 2010. He returned home (to US) in April 2011 and he moved back into our home in June 2011.
Everything seemed great. We were spending quality time together, we were hanging out with friends and family and travelling. Then in February 2012, he said that he was unhappy and could not tell me why. We found a great MC neutral to our individual needs but very dedicated to us as a couple. This is where I found out about a lot of his pet peeves about me. I stacked things, I didn't want to try new things, and he thought I felt awkward in social settings. He said he was looking for a "perfect" mate. Well the counselor quickly told him that no one or no couple if perfect. We all have flaws, and it's how you deal with them and learn to accept them.
We continued to see her even after he moved out again in April 2012. He got an apartment, and said he wanted to try a separation to that he knew what it was like to live without me and depend on me. We were speaking every day and we even attended a friend’s BBQ on Memorial Day that year together. We continued to see our MC and he was making somewhat of a break through. He moved back in in August 2012, but that same month, I found an email he sent to another woman telling her that she loved her!!! I was irate! I called him (he was doing his 2 weeks of active duty in Norfolk). He was panic, or so it seems now. He asked for my forgiveness. I told him that I could not do that. He kept asking until I gave in only after requiring that he immediately stopped seeing her and breakoff whatever it was he had with her. She was married as well!!!! We had a cooling off and he stayed with a friend for a while and then he called to tell me that he could not leave without me.
We had what I thought was the best year yet. I needed prodded him for any information. We would be cooking and would just say, “Honey, this is beat I have felt about us in a long time”, “Honey, I am so very happy”.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago: (August 10th) HIM: Honey have you been cheating on me? ME: No, why would ask that question. HIM: I found condoms in the bottom of a pharmacy bag when I was cleaning? ME: Yes, I bought them when you left me the first time, but I never used them. I could never use them because I have always been faithful to you. It was a mistake. Do you believe me? HIM: Yes, I know you would never do that to me.
Forward to 2 weeks ago: (August 17th) He wants to talk about our relationship because now he wonders if his happiness that past year was real. We talk, and he seems to be listening, but I think he is looking for a way out.
Forward to 1 week ago: (August 23rd) I go on another business trip and return on August 23rd. Husband departs for NYC with his best friend and his sons for guys get away. He barely answers his phone and when he does, he tries to hang up quickly.
I cry because I know what is coming and he tells me that that is not the case. He wants to talk. I finally call a friend , but I am embarrassed and ashamed. I try to speak to him last night and he hurts my feelings.. he calls me an idiot, a moron, and stupid. I cry. I sob.. He tells me to leave him alone and he sleeps in another bedroom. This morning he says he wants to move forward with a divorce.
I am so very devastated because everything seemed to be okay up until 3 weeks ago. Why is this happening. I can’t eat, sleep. I am drinking and in a state of shock. He won't answer my calls or respond to text. I don’t know what to do…
Here is his message to me this morning:
Wife I understand that Divorce upsets you. But you need to keep calm and work with me towards our mutual benefit.
I want you to provide me your lawyer's contact info so I can provide it to mine. if you no longer have a retainer in place with your old lawyer, like you've said, then contact the firm and see if you'll have the same attorney or someone new - so I can provide that name to my lawyer.
I believe it would be to our mutual benefit if you were to keep the house - I'd like to run those numbers with you and see how feasible it is.
We need to have adult conversations about this. Please.
Thank your all of the advice. I am literally devastated right now because my H left the house to supposedly go to his our best friends house and he packed a change of clothes. So maybe our best friends are covering up? I find that hard to believe.
I went to my doctor for mediation last week, but I don't think they work for me. He prescribed Zoloft. unfortunately I do not have access to his phone records. About the OW he was seeing in 2010, I found out from a friend at this job that she was getting and I think it is this month. If the scumbag is seeing some one else, then No, I don't know who.
I feel like am LOSING MY MIND!!!! This is too darn difficult!
He says that he wants out and tells me that this a decision he made for himself. He says there is longer an us. He says he needs to be selfish to obtain happiness. He completely and utterly destroyed me mentally and emotionally. This morning, something deep tells me not to fight for. He wants to proceed with it, so I have no hope.
I have been hard crying all morning to the point I was vomiting. I don't have desire to do anything. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?????
Sorry you are not doing well Why is a very complicated answer and not one that I can give you a simple answer for.
I can only tell you that there is a lot of science behind it and that things happen in a very predictable way.
See if you can get MWD's book Divorce Remedy and read it. It will help you to start to see a way forward.
This stuff is really hard and the first person you need to take care of is YOU!
Get your oxygen mask on and start to breath. The plane has lost pressure at altitiude and it may crash. You cant help anyone if you dont help your self first!
Thank you Cadet. However, my husband came home today and told me in no uncertain terms that he wants a separation and divorce. He is not changing his mind. He says this has been on his mind for years!!!! And that he finally got the courage to stand up to me and for himself.
He then says, "I love you, but I don't think this working. Loving someone doesn't mean that you should stay with them right?"
His tone was kind, but no sure if he was placating me for the sake of the discussion. I did not get upset or irate. However, I did asked the question if he was seeing someone. Of course he said no. Yeah right!!! And then says why do I always assume that there is another women involved??? Because STUPID, you did it before!!!
I am not sure what to do, but I think I need advice. If not, I think I should begin agreeing with him on everything. He is in MLCer and he doesn't even realize it!!!
He is trying to regain his youth.. He is losing his hair, he gained weight and is now trying to lose, he is shopping at the teen stores for jeans!!! This is not my husband. He is crazy!!!
OLD THREAD: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380569#Post2380569
Me: 44 Him: 51 Married: 9 years Together: 14 years
The husband came home tonight. We spoke briefly. He still wants a divorce and sees no other option. He has "waited to long to have the courage to leave and file for divorce."
I say. "Maybe you are right". And I walk away into to the Kitchen to prep dinner. As I slicing garlic, he just stands behind me as asks if I see the big spider web between our patio umbrella and the house. I couldn't see. Then he hugs my waist and shifts me to see. What is his problem???? He wants a divorce. Tells me he is sleeping in another room, but then puts his hands on me...
A$$$$$
OLD THREAD: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380569#Post2380569
Me: 44 Him: 51 Married: 9 years Together: 14 years
MyPain, sorry to hear you are joining us in this club. As mentioned above by Cadet, this is typical script for WAS. He hasn't been waiting for years to get the courage, as you said, he has found someone, that is what is giving him the courage. What you need to do is read the DB books, start putting into place some boundaries and protect yourself. If you believe his affair is now physical, then you should stop being physical with him.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Thank you Cadet. It's hard to even get out of bed in the morning or off the couch. I called in yesterday because I knew I would not be able to handle the pressure as the talk at work is always about someone getting married. I know....very very envious. And I am sorry I feel that way.
I did contact a lawyer on yesterday and have an apt this coming Tuesday. Husband wants an in house separation. We have not children and with our other finances, neither of us can afford to move out on our own. This makes it worse!! I have to still see him everyday knowing he is moving forward with a D!!
My IC just called and I am so distraught that I pull myself away from everything and every one because I choose not to be a burden. Thank God I have the forums to turn to. I do not want this divorce, but he is saying that he has to be selfish for his sake. How narcissistic is that??
The first time he cheated, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach. While I am not sure if he isn't know, I am not getting that sinking feeling. Is this normal? This man who says he is unhappy is not the man I married. He use to be active, running and working out. He did yard work, spent time traveling. He has not done any of that since last year!. I am a runner and I kept up my routines even when he was not interested. He is often on the couch watching TV. I think he is depressed, but dear I say that because he is a little self-absorbed to have that kind of insight.
