I was doing SO well, and I just set off a land mine.
I lost a lot of points, showed him his pimp picture in an email along with his "interests". Told him I can't keep doing this , him living the way he is and me over here , to just get it over with and file.
Can you spell S T U P I D ? Give him space. Let him think.
He is working things out . I let myself feel sorry for him, and then WHAM ...see his stupid self in a straw hat smiling at whomever is taking the picture.
Did I react and HOW? WHYYYYY? Because I felt sorry for him, he was alone, feeling lonely, missing us....yeah riiiiight.
Where do I go now? What damage have I done? What damage has he done to us?
Why won't he give me a f'ing break? I was always forgiving in our marriage. I never EVER through things in his face. I didn't nag. I didn't harp continuously about his need to be with " the boys ". I thanked him for our wonderful home. I gave appreciation for things provided and given. When he looked nice, I told him.
Why am I still caring ? Why after all that I've been through over the years with him, do I still want? Why can't I just move the he!! on? What is wrong with me? Am I so scaaaary that he has to run away? What is it within himself that he runs from everything? His wife, jobs, bills, family?
I'm going to the gymn and I don't want to. I hate working out, it really [censored] lollipops.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Ambivalent, You've forgotten the most important reason all of this is happening...he is in mlc and they do stupid things. They aren't always rational, they are experimenting, they are seeking out things that they may have never done as teenagers. They are trying to play catch up and go back and do things one more time. Unfortunately, we all know you can't go back in time, but they think they can.
Bottom line...this crisis isn't about you, your family or your marriage...it is about HIM and what he needs to do to find the "self" that was never allowed to grow as a child.
Listen, girlfriend, you've done nothing wrong here. No matter what you did or didn't do, he would still have had a crisis. Heck, he could have been a monk or a priest or married to someone else or even single and trust me, he would have had a crisis. Bottom line, he's got to focus on himself and yes, it's "me time" in his world.
Okay, so you think you screwed up in the last 24-48 hours. Know what? We all have done it. My goodness, I can laugh now at the things I said and did when I discovered the whole basket of antics my little Rip Van Winkle had been into. What you need to do is understand that you are human and have a heart of gold that has been stabbed w/pain because of the knowledge you have learned. If you hadn't reacted the way you did I would have most certainly thought something was seriously wrong w/you. The reaction you had was a very normal one.
Nothing is going to be resolved w/him for a long time because he's in crisis. You have to learn to accept him for who he is today because he's a kid out there exploring a world that he was never allowed to explore at a very young age. Yes, it hurts, but you've got to let him go. You can leave the door ajar and love him unconditionally from afar, but you will not make him see reason once he's boarded the Mother Ship.
You care because you love this man. You care because you've spent a long time w/him in a marriage that had its ups and downs, but no marriage is perfect and trust me, if he hadn't been happy, he would have left a very long time ago. So, don't for one minute think you or the relationship are at fault. I think you need to read a thread that I created many many years ago on my thoughts of why they run away. I'm going to post the link here and I want you to read it. I had a front row seat to observing and being friends w/a very off the wall mlcer and what I heard and saw was enough to make me realize just how fragile these people are. I can honestly tell you it was a very sad, but enlightening journey for me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The thing is Job, he did things as a teen. He partied, a lot. Drank, did drugs. I used to tell him, if I met him in high school that I'd have never given him the time of day.
He was very social, friends with everybody. I just don't know if I buy into the issue about his childhood. I can see more the introspection about where he is today, and where he wanted to be, way more. Who knows and at this point does it reeeally matter?
He did text me today:
" Just left Naval Academy football game with George. I'm writing a larger email response I will finish and send tomorrow "
" Okay, Navy game ? You got lucky "
" Tickets were 20. Huge tailgate parties before and after the game "
" Have a nice time , this is the Army Navy right ? " "No the A/N game is usually played in Philadelphia. "
Now I'm a wreck, if he's sending me a huge email I don't know if I want to know what's in it. I'm so scared and I just want to crawl under a rock.
I feel like what it must be like to be bi polar. This is horrible.
I'm imagining him telling me he's going to go to the attny's office and put an end to all of this . That I was right, it isn't fair and we should go ahead with a divorce.
Don't ask for what you don't want...closure. I'm so distraught. I hope he doesn't drag this out , that he does get this over with swiftly.
This is such a cruel cruel way to go after all these years.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
I read that thread. You see you describe my childhood, not his. His mother loved him, and the other four. When his father left, eventually he came to pick up some stuff.
My H. was the one sent out to the car to deliver his stuff. Out of all the kids, he was the only one to be able to tell his father off, what he thought about the whole thing.
He actually acted out as a teen, partied, etc. The family pulled together and became very tight. They are still pretty much today.
If anything he was the black sheep for saying and doing what was on his mind. He didn't hold back.
One of the reasons I married him, was because he was already balding in his twenties, he was stable with a job, more mature than those his age. I figured he wouldn't go through this crisis as my father did!
We are both from divorces, both fathers cheated and had major MLC's.
He will never be able to discuss this with his parents. His father just passed away at the beginning of this year. His mom died in '94 in her early fifties. That was a very tough time.
So closure in that area will NEVER be possible. The only hope I have is that his love for family will prevail. He loves his family, is extremely needful of the unit and what it entails.
Way more than I. My family was very dysfunctional, before it was cool. I flinched until thirty, I was hit in the face so much. Couldn't speak my mind without fear of being backhanded.
I thought I had a huge nose and needed a nose job until my late twenties. My nose is NOT big , and considered small.
My mom had me convinced I was fat...again wasn't. My ribs could be counted until my first child, even then I was thin.
If anyone was ripe for this...it was me! Yet here we are, torn asunder!
Again, nothing can be done. I just feel so abandoned, tossed. This is such an unnatural state of being.
It is humiliating, embarrassing, and excruciating.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
It could just as easily be something totally the opposite of what you expect. Try as hard as you can to let it go for tonight. Prepare a response just in case but then let it go. Dwelling on it will only put you in a tailspin, possibly for no reason.
Your h isn't ready to come home but don't assume that he's ready to leave either. You've had some positive contact with him in recent weeks. Don't beat yourself up over this!
Take some deep breaths and do something to take your mind off of this for now. ((((Hugs))))
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Ambivalent, my H had very similar story. He was one of 4 kids, his parents divorced when he was 12, he was partying as a teenager and was friends with everybody. He started balding in his late 20th, was very responsible and mature. His Mom died in 96th, and his father passed away almost 3 years ago. From what I heard though, his parent’s divorce was horrible, and this when my H decided that he didn’t want any kids of his own. I suspect that there were some unresolved issues with both of his parents. I’m afraid that these issues are never going to be resolved now. I also think that his crisis started a few months before his father’s death. His father was having MLS and was deteriorating pretty rapidly.
I keep asking myself the same questions, why I can’t just move on like he did? Why do I still have hope, when he told me that he is not in love with me anymore and haven’t shown that he cares for more than a year?
Take care of yourself and don’t think too much about what he will write in the e-mail.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
As I'm about to wash my face I notice under my eyes. I cried so hard for two days that I chapped myself.
Well that is truly a first! I can't help but feel anxiety and extreme apprehension.
At least it is an email and not in person. It must be pretty hard for him to tell me, this is why he's going to write it. If it wasn't difficult he probably would just blurt it out or text me to pack sand.
God help me to be strong, to hold on to myself, to not react but listen and learn.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Ambivalent, thinking of you...I feel your pain. I am up early to do my studies. Thank Goodness for being in school. something to occupy my mind! You are a strong woman. I just pray daily. I pray for my h. Look for the good of the day. Our joy, our happiness comes from within ourselves. Our h's can't do it for us and we can't do it for them. A day at a time.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Ambivalent, Please stay positive. Don't "assume" that what he's writing will be horrible. He could very well be writing to tell you what is bothering him and why he needs to be on his own for a while.
Mlc is not just about going back to see what they missed, i.e., parities, etc. It's going back to a place in their early years where they were emotionally stunted, i.e., most likely in your h's case when his parents' marriage began to fall apart. If that is the case, that is when he wasn't validated and/or received affirmation from one of his parents...most likely the father since he was in mlc. It could be that because he was considered the black sheep he wasn't validated and they didn't take him seriously. He may have felt abandonment when his father left and had a front row seat to the mlc. As a kid, he may have had to take on more responsibility than he was ready for and his coping skills didn't reach maturity, most likely he had to fake it to make it while growing up. In other words, he grew up too fast and the emotional well being didn't catch up.
He will resolve his issues one way or the other. They don't necessarily need to speak to the parents, but the review of old photos, where they lived as children, speaking to relatives and yes, eventually just sitting down and talking to a counselor will help. In some instances, he may even come to you and talk about it. It all depends upon how "safe" he feels talking to you.
Ambivalent, from your postings, your h has been one of nicer ones and that is always a positive. Had he been one of the nutty buddies, he would have been long gone, nasty and done some terrible things. I do think that your h is trying to work through his issues and he's going about it the safe way by being w/others, bowling, games, etc. I could be very wrong, but I don't think your h wants the marriage to end. I think he's one of those who just needs some time by himself to figure things out.
I know you are very hurt and it's going to take some time to settle down, but when you do, things may be a bit clearer for you. If he does send you an email today, read it and then read it again. Do not respond back in a knee jerk way. If there is something in the email that doesn't sit well w/you, sit on it for a while and then respond. We, as humans, sometimes tend to respond back in a knee jerk fashion and that's when we say and do things that we later regret and we can't take back.
Please take care of yourself. Come here to vent or just to post. We do know what you are going through and it takes time to work through that anger and hurt.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
