PATIENCE PROMISCUITY AND PROFIDIOUSNESS

[Ambivalent]

Last thread :

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2397946#Post2397946

I've gone from the depths of despair to the height of hopefulness to putrid perfidy. Just as I was gaining in humility and truly feeling some growth

-WHAM-

I was seeing some progress and I guess it is just more b.s.

I cannot trust anything and I don't want to hear about how lonely he is. How he misses me and the dogs. @@

My compassion is about used up. I don't know if I can ever get over this.

My father cheated on my mom, I was 12 when it started and I never got over that.

I cried walking down the wedding aisle because of the fear of repetition. It was so traumatic. His father did the same thing to his mom.

The chances for us have got to be slim to none at this point.

I'm sick to my stomach and feel as dirty as he, because I know. So everything he says to me is a lie, and I cannot trust anything . I have to believe everything he does has some ulterior motive. It's just mind numbing.

[LoisB]

Amba,

I've just caught up on your thread. I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts. I know.

You will be ok. I promise. You can do this. Just remember to breathe and take good care of yourself. If you can't sleep, I'll probably be up.

I'm cranked up because my dad pi$$es me off, but that's another story--may have trouble sleeping.

I hope you are being good to yourself. It will be ok.

Lots of love to you,

Heather

[LoisB]

Holy Cow are you the WOMAN!!! You faced him, in person!, and didn't cause any scene or give away your cards. Amba, that's so amazing. You will be fine. You will. You have incredible strength and self-control.

My father cheated on my mom, I was 12 when it started and I never got over that.

I cried walking down the wedding aisle because of the fear of repetition. It was so traumatic. His father did the same thing to his mom.

My dad cheated too, multiple times, then married his secretary when I was high school. My grandfather did the same thing. I married Smokey Joe because he was my bestest friend through all of it and HE would NEVER, EVER do THAT to me. He did.

Give yourself some time to digest all this information. Once it sinks in some, the perspective will come a little at a time. The reality of the situation. I don't mean the reality like, "You have to kick the bum to the curb" reality.

I mean that the truth of the affair and what it really means in the grand scheme of things. It truly means nothing. Not to say it doesn't hurt or mean nothing to your marriage, mind you. But, she means nothing. And, slowly, the reality of that truth will sink in.

I'm so sorry though that you had this happen when you were feeling so good. It's not fair. It just isn't, especially since you had to watch this happen to your mom. I know how hard it is to relive that painful memory and see your own kids have to deal with it.

Heather

[Ambivalent]

I feel like such a fool.

I was feeling horrible, that I should have been a better wife. But I was accepting and appreciative.

I was pursued by an old high school boyfriend.

What did I do? Was open about it, shared it . Took all temptation and any possible means of deception and told my whole family.

I told him to talk to his wife, share with her. I told him to stop e-mailing me or I'd tell his boss.

He is so screwed up, and what am I? What kind of person is so desperate to be accepted by someone who behaves this way?

I am feeling like I let my daughters down. That this is their father....eeeeew!

I have shared this with only one friend. One who has known me for over twenty years. Knows my husband.

She thought I was very patient with my husband. The traveling , the golf. Her words " you never complained about him" " He was never around "

Why am I putting myself through this? What for maybe another ten years, and then as his health declines, I get to nurse him. We have no retirement. No assets, house is underwater, he is not here now. So why am I standing?

What is the point? What does this really say to my girls? That mom is holding on to someone who has no respect for his marriage, no respect for himself, and no respect for our family?

That he is willing to get a stripper for a bachelor party at our home when I and the girls were up in New England. He brought a prostitute into the family home for entertainment!

Ten years ago, he used a prostitute at the most trying time in our marriage. Oldest daughter was plummeting and desperately needed help, husband was downsized and we needed to sell home of 15 years. I was exhausted, and trying to support my husband's decision to try and start up a business. I was trying to be the sexy wife. Come to find out he was using a whore! He lied about it for TEN YEARS.

At one of the two counseling sessions he "admitted" it. I knew, I asked him over the years did he ever want to share about it, did he ever cheat? He lied for ten fing years!

Now this? I'm so destroyed. I ache so deeply that I can't take this anymore. I want it to be over. The mess, the sleaze. I don't even know what normal is!

I feel filthy, that I misjudged a person so much. Who am I?

Why would I attract such a deviant individual? How can someone who fathers two beautiful girls be this split? He knows this is wrong, yet he wants both worlds.

I don't want him near my girls, I don't want this to touch them. My first born has enough issues. My second is 21 and still a virgin. She is so sensitive and mature, caring and intelligent.

What has he done to all of the people he has touched? How twisted is this? How can anyone heal? For to heal there has to be trust, and without trust there is an ulcer oozing with the infection of deceit.

[LoisB]

Amb,

Slow down. It's like you've just had a heart attack this very afternoon and you are already planning to do step aerobics tomorrow. Don't get ahead of yourself right now.

Stay in this moment.

You are NOT a bad wife or mother.

Good women, good wives, good mothers get cheated on. Everyday. It happens. It's like saying that Jackie Kennedy was to blame because JFK was a man whore. No one is calling her a bad parent or bad wife. She did the best she could and so are you.

You also aren't stupid. A lot of smart women love damaged men. I'm one of them.

[LoisB]

Ten years ago, he used a prostitute at the most trying time in our marriage. Oldest daughter was plummeting and desperately needed help, husband was downsized and we needed to sell home of 15 years. I was exhausted, and trying to support my husband's decision to try and start up a business. I was trying to be the sexy wife. Come to find out he was using a whore! He lied about it for TEN YEARS.

Ok, so he has a history of looking for stress relief in skanky women. He is, apparently, someone who can't handle stress well--job stress, midlife transition stress, financial stress. He is troubled.

But, people are more than one thing. I'm sure he has good qualities, otherwise you wouldn't love him.

My dad had multiple affairs. We live in a relatively small town and my family has been here for more than a century. One time I met a woman who knew my dad. She said, "Oh, but don't worry, I wasn't one of his conquests." Ewwwwwww.

But, sadly, while my dad was known for his affairs for a long time, he isn't a bad guy. Narcisstic perhaps. Not able to deal with messy situations very well. But, he is also fun, smart, charming, successful, etc...

He is more than one thing. This isn't black and white. There's a lot of grey here.

[LoisB]

Do you have anything you can take, like Melatonin, to help you sleep? Do you think you will be able to sleep?

I hope so.

[wishing, hoping]

Hey Amba

Heather told me you were having a tough time of it. I'm so sorry to hear that you discovered the OW. It [censored]. It beyond [censored]. I wish I could tell you something to make it better but I can't. These are your feelings. Feel them. Embrace them. Get it out. As my counselor says "if you don't deal with your feelings they will deal with you."

Just know you will be okay. You feel like you failed but it's not about you. They are messed up. Like big teenagers. Get yourself strong. Concentrate on yourself and the kids if they need you. Leave him in God's hands.

Like you my H denied and lied and just when I thought things were gonna be okay the rug was pulled out from under me. Read my sitch and you will see what I mean.

Right now just breathe. Get that anger out in a healthy way. Don't expect anything from him. He is focused on himself. He won't listen so don't waste your breath, but don't drop any boundaries.

Hang in there.

WH

[Whiterose]

I'm so sorry ambiv, this must have been such an awful day for you. I hope you're able to get some sleep and just rest your head for a while.

Like the ladies said, breath, feel what you need to feel, and breath again. Walk, run, throw a pillow at the wall......

You are NOT filthy. His use of those women was. I wonder how I could have brought children into the world for this man. I, sometimes, feel like an idiot for ever thinking I could trust him after he left me the first time. Now, at night, I thank God for him for giving him to me so I could have my boys. You're not there yet, I'm not really either but I'm faking it till I make it right now, just remember you have your beautiful daughters and if this is what you get out of this then it was the best prize ever. My sister reminded me of that. She said they're the prize. I looked at her funny.....she said he's lost the ability to see that in the end children that love, respect and trust him are the prize. I keep that as my "end game" now. It's no longer, well most of the time anyway, about my marriage it's about my happy, loving children and a healthy me.

You're trust is broken, of course it is, but he did that....not you. You never asked for this.....it has nothing to do with us (this is what I'm told and try to remember I the über bad days).

Hugs!!!!

[RosaLinda]

Just checking on you to see how you're doing this morning Amba, I hope you got some rest last night. 

Amba, you have such mixed emotions right now. Anger, disgust, betrayal. 

Please please know that, despite the existence of OW, what you and your H have is real. The love and admiration he showed you yesterday is real. His pride in you as his wife. You are the one he shared his excitement with at bagging the doe. You are the the mother of his daughters, you are his reality and his future. 

Your H is a man, a flawed man. As Heather said, a man who turns to skanky women for stress relief. Who is going thru a MLC right now. MLCers all turn to these OP. It does not mean anything. It isn't real. 

Like Job said, she is a bandaid for his pain. But YOU are the real solution. He will see that after a while Amba. Think of all the support and advice you've given me on dealing with RT, and apply it here. Hang in there. You've got this covered.