Don't Break Character

[Raine]

I found this song 15 days after OWBD, a little over a year ago. It now has been played over 100 times. This song has given me a lot of strength when nothing else did, when no one else could. I played it multiple times each day last winter, and just once or twice in the last few months. But, I feel like I need the need the message more now than I did then. Never has the need for patience rang more true.

The Killers – Be Still
Be still
And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We're in the belly of the beast

Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can't take it anymore

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done

Be still
One day you'll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you've come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see (what did you see)
Was there something out there for me?

Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you'll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn't change what's in your blood
(Over chains, over chains, over ?, over ?)
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still

Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you're in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got so much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done

Previously on Rebuilding Raine:
1st - Completely heartbroken by husband's MLC
2nd - Rinse, repeat, replay
3rd - Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.
4th - Crazy little thing called MLC
5th - Back home, for all the wrong reasons
6th - One month down, zero casualties
7th - I am titanium
8th - I've looked at life from both sides now

[BklynMom]

I'll have to check out the song.

I caught up on you last thread and am so excited at the direction you guys are headed. I thought I would chime it just to keep the focus on yourself. Take care of yourself and make time for your hobbies and interests. Hopefully you h continues to look at himself.

Big hugs

[AJM]

I agree with Job. Very fragile right now. He put a lot out there for you to "judge". He took a big risk with you.


Very nice that you're getting these conversations. Keep your expectations and timeline expectations at zero. You'll be glad you did.

Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

The conversation continued...

I asked him when all of this started, how long he had been having emotional affairs/flirtations. He said, always. He has always been flirtatious, but he knows now that is wrong and he is not doing it. He is very conscience of it now. He realizes it is hurtful to me and it’s inappropriate. That it was not just innocent and meaningless like he would tell himself. And he has. He isn’t talking to OW. He isn’t flirting. He will tell me if he does talk to another woman and why. I have not asked him for this. He just does it.

I told him that there is a major lack of communication and that is extremely difficult and that I spin because we don’t talk about things. He said he doesn’t talk to anyone. And I said, yeah, but I’m your wife. And he said, I know and that’s why I talk to you more than I have ever talked to anyone else.
After this talk, I told him that I have things I need to tell him and he is going to have to be honest about everything so I can get to the point of being able to trust him. That was a total “MLC tell on myself” moment for me. I dunno what the heck I’m going to “tell him.”

He hugged me, as I was leaving to go out with friends right after this convo. He told me he is here and he is trying really hard and he is sorry. I was out really late and got in about 2:30am. He had stayed up waiting for me out on the couch.

He is usually really standoffish and distant in the mornings. Yet the next morning he hugged me and kissed me three different times. That has never happened before. There has been a lot of passing affection since that conversation. There was one morning he was back to avoiding me, but other than that, he has been more affectionate than ever.

It was like that convo allowed him to get some weight off his shoulders, and it helped that I had a very calm reaction to it. The next night after that convo, he was super happy. Clingy and wanting me with him, but the happiest I’ve seen him in so long. He was stopping in the middle of the room, watching the kids and smiling at them level of happy.

And later that night he started unpacking his bags in the closet.

Yes, that ^^^ deserved its own paragraph. He moved a bunch of his clothing into the chest of drawers that has been empty in the mbr. The bags are still there, but not much remains in them, and I can actually see them now, where before they were buried under mounds of other stuff. He got about 3/4th the way through them and then went and played some phone games.

I haven’t brought up the conversation and I haven’t been distant. I've been pretty affectionate towards him actually. I’m just going with the flow. He is changing. I’m seeing a very new person emerging. A very good, caring, compassionate, adoring person. He had a conversation with another guy in front of me, and told him about other men he admired and how he wanted to be like them.

He has stopped doing almost all things I would consider replay stuff. The replay things that remain are things he wants me to join him in doing. He was spending about $500 a month on collecting stuff. He stopped doing that as of the first part of October. He hasn’t bought anything for two months now and told me he doesn’t need any more.

I’m realizing he is telling me a lot. He is telling me everything. Who he is talking to, what he is doing, I think probably everything going on with him on a day to day basis. But, I’m not. I’m not telling him everything. I don’t tell him much at all. It’s not like I’m trying not to or anything, I just don’t think to. I have walls up still. My walls are still way up, where before all this, there were no walls.

So, fast forward to yesterday. We had a party at our house last night with 25 people. The party was to celebrate an accomplishment of H’s. We have been prepping for it all week, and then Saturday, H helped all day long. We had a lot of old friends, new friends, and people from H’s work. This was a big acknowledgement that we are back together imo.

We have done these kinds of parties before. They used to be a monthly event, but it got to the point it was too much for me, because it was all on me, and H would be the life of the party. I just stopped doing them, because it was just a lot of work and stress for me and very little appreciation or acknowledgement for it. But, not this time. I did much more this time than I ever have before. I made a bunch of food from scratch, several of H’s favorites and requests. But, so did H. He helped cook and got everything setup.

Everything turned out great and was a lot of fun. People were talking about how much they missed these parties and were so glad we did one again. They loved H. Thought he was so entertaining and love his enthusiasm for life. H wants to get back to having them monthly again. I’m all on board for it. It was the most work I’ve ever put into one, yet I wasn’t stressed out or annoyed at the end of the night. I had a great time. A lot has changed. Not just him. I’ve changed a lot.

H also approached one of my guy friends who is dating another friend of mine, and thanked him for taking care of me and looking out for me when I go out with that group. H told this guy that he appreciated him and feels much better knowing that he is there.

So, on to spiraling Raine...

I’m spinning on that conversation we had. I have been acting like all is normal. I’m fine and happy and don’t appear to be spinning, but I am so spinning. To see him that night was really hard. To see him realizing and acknowledging what he did, that he hurt me and hurt others. It's bad. It is so bad for him. He is devastated. It is like he is waking up from a coma and someone telling him while he was in his coma, he killed someone. And I think this is just the tip of the iceberg.

This isn't getting better for me. It's getting worse. The more I open my heart and feelings toward him, the worse it is. I’m sorry that I’m saying that and that those of you who still have MLCers deep in replay have to read that and think I’m absolutely nuts to feel this way. You would not feel this way if you could be in this same spot. I know. It's absolutely ridiculous I feel this way. I hate that I feel this way.

After all this, I'm still so hurt. I feel sick. Like things pop in my head and I have PTSD. Things pop in my head and I literally need to throw up.

I can't stop thinking about stuff. I didn't think it would hurt this much. And that continues to grow, not improve. I thought I would be more forgiving. I thought it would be easier. I thought I had already dealt with it, already knowing. I feel like if we had gotten D, I have worked through all of that to where I would be okay D. I have not worked through being in a R with someone who broken me.

I thought I would be happy. I now feel like some second choice. That he left for her, wanted her, and it blew up, for reasons he probably blames on me. I don't feel like he ever picked me. I feel like he is incapable of being alone. I'm questioning whether I should have divorced him. Where would I be then?

It made me so sick to realize he was having sex with her right after I got pregnant. He was having sex with her while still having sex with me. And the more truth comes out, the worse it gets, even though it’s not any worse than what I already know. I already know the worse. Why does this new information change so much for me when before it didn't? It would have been better to know everything before we ever started being an "us" again.

That's the thing. It's nothing worse than what I already knew right? It's just new. It's just a new variant on the same stuff I already knew.

[beatrice]

Raine, you will not get a 2 x 4 from me, although there was a longish period (too long!!) when I would have done almost anything to be in your situation. Now, many years on, and more healed, I can see that this longing was somewhat unhealthy.

There is a huge difference between trying to restore your marriage, and realising that you have been married to a damaged and damaging human being, and wondering where to go from that point.

You are being amazingly honest, and true to yourself. You are not addicted to your h, (in that you want him back at any price).

Relationships take a lot of work between two committed people: if one of them breaks trust in a very very major way, there are shock waves. This isn't simply about forgiveness it is about trauma, and the healing from that.

It took me years to get over the betrayal. Not because I think I was particularly unforgiving, but because it shook me to the core, and caused me to question everything about my entire adult life.

In the longer term this probably did me good, but at the time the pain was so intense that I sailed through major surgery practically not noticing it. It was nothing compared with the psychological pain.

Some of my pain is still capped over, and I wouldn't want to go there again. To have it re-opened, yes, I can see how difficult it must be for you.

Please continue to post. It is helpful to see that 'reconciliation' is not easy. Many who long for it fail to see how hard it is, even though posters like Heart's Blessing fully acknowledge it.

Those of us who never had the chance may think you are in the Elysian fields, except that, as I have said, many years on, I can see just how hard it would have been.

Job has said that ultimately that the choice is up to the LBS: take care of yourself. You are doing something very very hard.

[job]

Raine,
I would like to say that what you are experiencing/feeling is absolutely normal. You fought so hard to get to this point and now that you are so close to the end of his crisis, you are revisiting all of the hurt, pain, shock, disillusionment that happened throughout his/your journey. I do think that what has happened, if I am interpreting you postings correctly, is that he's been telling you about things and I get the sense that he really not shown a lot of remorse or guilt about it. In other words, he's ready to move on, sweep it under the carpet, so to speak. Raine, at some point, you are going to have to sit down and have a very serious heart to heart chat w/him and tell him what his behavior has done to you. That conversation will come in time, most likely in the next couple of months.

Reconciling is a very, very difficult job because of the betrayal and the destruction he created along the way. He has waltzed back in and quite frankly, he needs to do a whole lot of honest, hard work to gain back your trust and prove to you that you and only you are the one for him and that he's there for the long haul. If he can't do that, then you will be the one to determine the outcome of your situation.

The unpacking of the bags is very telling. Because he still hasn't unpacked them completely, that tells me he is still unsure of whether he's staying or not. He's waiting to see how things work out and if you can forgive him and yes, go on w/your lives together. Once those bags are completely unpacked and things put away, then you will know he's there to stay.

Raine, I walked the walk w/DebM when her husband made his way home. I because good friends and an ally with her along her journey off line. There is so much more to her story of reconciliation that was not shared on this Forum. I do want you to know that your situation is very similar to hers. It took her about a year before she felt comfortable enough to open her heart and trust her h once again. Her h worked very hard to gain her trust and love back, but it took a while. I will share this...your h is still very fragile and he's going to be looking for signs of disappointment, etc. from you. There may be times when you say or do something and he will question you about if you want him to leave...you will have to determine if you do. Deb would tell her h no, that whatever was going on had to be said and she would ensure that when she spoke to him she made eye contact and spoke in a very calm, even tone. It takes approximately 12-18 months for these MLCers to finally feel comfortable in their own skin once they return home. During that time, you are going to experience the trauma all over again in flashbacks, etc. This is very normal because you are getting close to ending your journey as well.

Raine, ultimately, at the end of the crisis, you are the one that holds the key to whether he stays or goes. If you have any questions along the way, I will be happy to share what I learned when walking that path w/DebM. It's not easy and to me, this is the hardest part of the journey...the final settling down. It takes a whole lot of patience to get through it. The early parts of the journey are truly a piece of cake compared to this final settling.

Raine, as Bea pointed out, please continue to post here. You need somewhere to vent and we are here for you. Raine, never think that we would give you a 2 x 4 at this juncture...you've come so far and we all want to see you happy no matter what you decide to do.

[uRworthy]

Raine, I have seen marriages reconciled. And what I have noticed is that often the LBS goes back through the stages of grief. One last time.

So, you are revisiting the disbelief, the anger, the sadness, etc. on your way to acceptance. And that's ok.

You are on a journey, too. It is important to continue to take care of you, too, my friend.

While you knew a lot of this stuff before, you kind of held it at bay. As you said, you put up walls, you did what you needed to do to self protect.

Now you have to learn to live with those feelings you are letting in more and more.

It is hard while you are also letting him in more and more.

So, take your time, sweetie. Start to feel them. They deal with them when you are able. In the future, those that you cant, you will have to work through them with him.

Continue to show him compassion, patience, understanding. But take care of you, too.

This all took a long time. It is going to take a long time to sort through it all.

So, stay the course. Remember that you matter, too. Figure out together what you need.

[complicated]

Raine,

I am so sorry you are having difficulty as you and H try to reconnect. I don't think I am going to make it to that point but try to stay as patient as you have all along.

I know it is difficult not to think about all of the hurt our H's have caused but forgiveness takes time. There is so much of what you went through that is the same for me so I can totally relate.

When did this all start for you? I think you used to have it on your signature but I have forgotten.

Please take care of yourself and good luck.

[Raine]

Thank you BklynMom, AJ, Bea, job, uR, and complicated for your posts. They've been such an encouragement for me. It's good to know this is normal and to put my eyes on the end goal and know that I can do anything temporary.

job, I cherish your insights. I would love to hear anything you feel is appropriate and helpful from DebM. I am having flashbacks. They're pretty bad and pretty intense, and so unexpected. Odd things will trigger me and cause a panic/anxiety attack. But this last week has been a lot better than the week before. Everything just keeps getting better.

uR, thank you so much for your post. You nailed it for me. I am totally going through the stages of grief. It has not been as bad as it was during BD1, but far worse than I anticipated. I've gotten to a really good mindset because of things you've made me consider and think about. I'll share more of that later.

complicated, here's my timeline:
First signs of MLC and replay that I know about happened in 2010. I'm guessing other things were building up as of 2009. He admitted to some minor replay happening in 2010 (OW2), although he denies it now. I recall a conversation we had in 2010 where he talked about being disconnected, where something was wrong with him. He didn't feel like himself. We've later talked about this and it's pretty clear to me that was him entering the MLC tunnel/depression. At the time we interpreted it as homesickness.

He started having feelings and getting involved with OW1 in May 2012. I haven't fully confirmed that with him. June 2012 he admitted to depression and needing a C.

The first BD was Aug 2012. I was two weeks pregnant. It was a very calm "we need to get a divorce." No argument, no fight, nothing preempting it. We were watching TV together. I reacted pretty disingenuous, followed by complete anger when he actually left and did not come home. I'm guessing this is when he went to go and have sex with the first OW I found out about. I call her OW1 for that reason, but she was not the first for him, but she was the main, the one he felt he was in love with. He left for a few days, came back for three weeks, then instigated an argument and left for another week. We were back together Sept-Oct.

On Halloween I found out about OW1 and we separated for 7 months. Based on his MO, I would assume he wanted to come back home after one month of S, because of the hints he was dropping then. I told him he couldn't come home how he was.

He was in a very dark place during those seven months. He would go weeks without seeing me or the kids or communicating with them. He would spend hours and days in his room watching TV. He developed new friends, very geeky, below him, socially inept friends that he would spend a lot of time with. He would also cycle between multiple OW.

April 2012 I had our baby. He came home for two weeks to help and then moved back out again. End of May I went to a family wedding without him. I was preparing to file for D at that time. He hit such a deep, dark depression that I was very concerned about suicide and keeping an eye on him. He came to me during this time saying he was having a difficult time finding a place to rent and had to move by June 1. I told him he could stay here until he found a place. He moved back in under that pretense. He was going to sleep on the couch, but I setup a room for him. He continued to see OW1 & OW4 sporadically, sneaking. He made plans to see OW3, but changed his mind. His main relationship and the one he had "feelings" for is OW1. I don't know how many times they broke up and made up. It was a very volatile relationship. The last time he had any contact with any OW was first part of Aug 2013. He has completely cut out OW. He has stopped any kind of flirtations with any woman, even safe, married friends since Oct 2013.

He stayed in his own room until Oct 1, and then during a conversation at that time I told him where he slept was his choice. He has been sleeping in the MB since. We started ML a few weeks later.

Right now we are not talking about the past. We have not discussed our relationship, although he has said things like, "we have a diff relationship now than we did in the summer." He hasn't told me he loves me. Last time he did was Christmas 2012. He is starting to use pet names. He is complimenting me a lot, as of this last week, "I like your hair, I like that shirt on you, you look beautiful, etc.

There is lots and lot of affection. Kissing and hugging for no reason, just because. Even if I'm hanging out in a room alone, he will come in and kiss me and hug me and then go back to what he is doing. Constant affection. It's electric. He is affectionate in public and in front of people we know.

He wants to be with me constantly. He is concerned that I am okay, that I have time to myself. He is very protective of me. He will jump all over the boys if they even come close to being disrespectful.

He goes with me when I run errands. He doesn't want me to just go myself (unless I want to.) He wants to be as a family all the time. He is talking about me at work. He wants to share things with me. He tells me everything going on, who he is talking to, what he is doing. He wants to entertain here at our house. We did a big thanksgiving and had all of my family here. He loved it. My brother told me that he can't believe the way that H looks at me.

He doesn't lock his car anymore. He has had me drive it. (He was keeping stuff in his car, reply stuff.) He doesn't have locks or openly shows me stuff on his electronic devices.

He is cutting back on time with his new friends that he acquired during S. He wants me with him when he spends time with them, and he complains about them. These were people he was spending 5-6 nights a week with when S and first moving back home. These friends, one in particular is having a very hard time with my H not being as available anymore.

He is extremely helpful. Way more than before, than ever. He just gets it done. He doesn't ask or wait, he just does it. He will ask as well, what he can do, once he has done everything he can think of.

He is a better father than he has ever been. He works with the kids on their home work. He plays games with them. He is showing his authority much more. There are still times son9 will question him, like when H has said yes, but son9 will ask him if I have said yes. He got irritated at the boys because he had to ask him three times to do something, and on the third time he raised his voice. I went over and hugged him and he was trying not to cry. He wanted to know if it was okay. That he wants to be patient with them, but that he shouldn't have to ask three times. I said he was right on the money and that he needs to keep following through like he has.

Me? Well me. I'm tabling the pain and the questions and piss and [censored] and lies that kill other people. I'm putting it on hold for now. And I'm okay with that. Because it was killing the reconnection in me. The reconnection was happening so fast and it was scaring me to death. I was feeling trapped. But I realized, I'm not strong enough for that yet. He is not strong enough for that yet. We together are not strong enough to make it through that yet. And once I was able to just put that to the side "for now," my heart started to open up more than I ever thought possible.

I realized something looking into those eyes of his that I had thought I knew. But I didn't. I know more now than I ever have. It was always me. I am the one he loves. I am the one he would go through Hell for. And the amount of pain he is in right now trying to come to grips with all he has done to me and the ones he loves is unbearable. It's incredibly hard to see him going through that. I look at the pain I'm going through, and you know what, I think my pain would be ten times more if I had been the cause of this kind of pain towards someone I love. No wonder he wants to bury it. I get it. I don't want to see him hurt either. I wish it was easier to fix.

And I know he wants to bury it again. But it's not going to happen. I know he wants to brush it aside and get right back into living life as if none of it happened. But I have told myself, that's okay, for now. But not for always. I can't go through this again when those buried feelings come back to haunt us both. He tried to use his line the other day about burying it and making diamonds, and I said, "Nope. It's not going to happen. Feelings buried alive come back to haunt." (Thanks AJ!)

I feel so much love and compassion towards him that it's overwhelming. He kisses me, and my heart skips a beat. I'm falling for him. It's exciting. It's all new. It feels like a brand new relationship. We laugh, and joke, and tease each other. We're still shy around each other in a lot of ways too.

And every day it's getting better. It's really good. And I'm enjoying it. And that's the plan. Enjoy what I have and stop worrying about the things I am incapable of dealing with now. Because I can't. It's too much for me and it's too much for him. And I'm okay with that. Nothing has to happen now.

[ForeverYoung]

Wow Raine, I am learning much by reading your updates. Thank you so much for posting.

And the amount of pain he is in right now trying to come to grips with all he has done to me and the ones he loves is unbearable. It's incredibly hard to see him going through that. I look at the pain I'm going through, and you know what, I think my pain would be ten times more if I had been the cause of this kind of pain towards someone I love. No wonder he wants to bury it. I get it. I don't want to see him hurt either. I wish it was easier to fix.

I can now better understand how reconciling and healing can be very hard in some of these situations.

And that's the plan. Enjoy what I have and stop worrying about the things I am incapable of dealing with now. Because I can't. It's too much for me and it's too much for him. And I'm okay with that. Nothing has to happen now.

^^^Love! This should be everyone's plan. I truly believe that just like us, our spouses are doing the best they can, right now. Is that going to be good enough for us? Only we can say.

I'm wishing you and your M all the best.