Barrybran I - I cheated; Wife wants to separate

[Barrybran]

Hi everyone

I came across this site recently and I've studied many of your stories over the past few days. My wife recently told me she wanted to separate after dealing with my infidelity for ten months. At first, I handled her feelings completely wrong however after coming to this site I've learned in a very short time that she has made her decision and will forge ahead without me.

I feel awkward writing here as I am 30 and my wife is 28 and my relationship with my wife has been quite short compared to many here. We:
- started dating in August 2010;
- broke up in March 2011;
- got back together in October 2011;
- married in August 2012 and now we're here.

In the time we were separated I successfully implemented the tips I found here without even knowing about DB so I know that it works. My infidelity consisted of talking about my marriage problems and having sexual conversations online with a strangers and a female friend I was interested in during my uni days. I also exchanged inappropriate photos with the female friend. I understand how I got into these situations and know that my relationship with my wife had poor foundations and habits.

A couple of weeks prior to telling me she wanted to separate, my wife told me she didn't trust me anymore and felt emotionally numb. Naturally, I played out every scenario in my head and it came down to this: I love her and I feel an incredible comfort when she is in my presence compared to when she isn't, even now with her being cold to me.

I used to think that cheaters were bad people. I don't expect non-cheaters to agree but I've since discovered that I'm not a bad person but a good person who has made terrible mistakes. I have a lot of work to do on myself and from what I've read here I know my marriage as I know it has ended however I do hope that my wife chooses to reconcile one day and our family is reunited as one unit.

There is more to my story however the present situation is as follows:

- My wife and I sleep in separate rooms in the same house;
- My parents are currently living with us but own a motorhome and can leave at their leisure. They will be spending Christmas with us;
- My wife works 40 hours per week and is under an incredible amount of stress at the moment. I have recently returned home having completed a contract so I am looking after the house and kids. My parents were doing this for her while I was away;
- My wife's brother and his girlfriend will be traveling from interstate and staying with us for a week after Christmas;
- My wife's best friend is also having marital problems (physical abuse) and my wife has offered her to stay in our house with her kids (with us continuing to sleep in separate rooms) until she's back on her feet;
- My wife plans to physically separate after her brother heads home and will discuss details about separation then. What she envisages is that our kids stay in our house and we rent a separate place that my wife and I swap between rather than shipping kids between houses.

Again, I have been incredibly stupid but I genuinely believe there is a future for my wife and I and our family. I would like to know if:
- Anyone here has successfully reconciled their marriage even though they were the cheater and their spouse walked away; and
- If anyone has any tips on how I handle the next month given my wife has definitely checked out and has thrown herself into her life despite us living under the same roof and having a lot of opportunities for interaction.

Feel free to ask any questions and direct me to any relevant threads, reading materials, etc. I have yet to read DB or DR and I know I need to to understand what everyone is talking about here but I felt the need to put my situation in writing and try to start the process while I wait for the books.

Thank you for reading this.

[MrBond]

There have been many people who cheated and reconciled.

First off, you need to read DB and DR ASAP. Don't rely on what others write to you.

"My infidelity consisted of talking about my marriage problems"

Let's start here. What were the problems? What did you tell people and to whom did you tell it?

The more information you give, the better.

[Cadet]

While you are waiting you can read the first chapter on-line by following these links.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374006#Post2374006

[Barrybran]

[quote=MrBond"My infidelity consisted of talking about my marriage problems"

Let's start here. What were the problems? What did you tell people and to whom did you tell it?
[/quote]

I felt neglected. She's a very busy person with work, kids and friends as well as making cakes and assisting with weddings as a hobby. I didn't mind all that as she had to work and enjoyed the things she did outside of work. Where I objected is that she never made time for me. In her downtime she would watch her TV shows and play games on her phone. She had every right to relax but when it started to drag out to a few weeks without any 'us' time I would complain about it.

After complaining things would be good for a week. We'd hang out, be very affectionate, have lots of sex, and things would be far more positive. After the week she'd go back to her ways and I'd have to wait another few weeks.

After a while I got sick of the constant circles and complained less and less. I withdrew and reached out to friends. Aside from the female friend mentioned in the first post they were all busy. I wasn't comfortable talking to family about my problems but I wanted attention so I turned to the website my wife and I met on to fill the void by randomly talking to anyone who would listen. I didn't want to talk about sex; I just wanted someone to talk to. I spoke to both men and women but I was more interested in speaking to women.

My wife objected to the fact that I hadn't come to her properly (she tunes out easily and I hated being ignored by her) and that I told an old flame and complete strangers about our marriage problems. I understand her objection but at the time I treated it as free counseling, which it obviously wasn't. I told whoever would listen everything. I wasn't happy with the circles and I felt alone.

Some of those conversations were with women who were also lonely, including my female friend. Those conversations strayed into sexual territory and my wife not only found out by logging into my Facebook account but created a fake profile on the website I was using to catch me out too.

I had my own faults in our problems. I was very needy early on and I have been working on that throughout our relationship. I felt that we had come to a point where both our expectations were reasonable; her with her space and mine with actually spending time together like a normal couple. I did let myself go physically with not shaving often, dressing down and poor diet/no exercise. I also don't like the influence of a certain family member on our family. Lastly, I recently put pressure on my wife about moving out of town to somewhere where there are job prospects for me despite her having full time work, being close to friends and family and our son having started schooling in our town. We live in a small town and my concerns were valid however in hindsight I know I should have supported her more and not had such a "Chicken Little" attitude towards our future.

[MrBond]

Okay, so did you tell her that it was because she ignored you and your needs? What did she say about that?

"I know I should have supported her more and not had such a "Chicken Little" attitude towards our future."

No this is where you are wrong. She should have also listened to your concerns rather than just making plans on her own without you.

In your signature line you say that you have two stepkids. Are they hers? Was she married before? What happened during her previous M?

[Barrybran]

I agree that she should have listened to my concerns but I entered our relationship knowing how tied to this town she was. It's insanely cheap compared to many places so even if we hit hard times we have a better chance of riding it out than if we moved elsewhere. I've journeyed around the country so I've never been too tied to one place since I started working in remote areas.

As for the kids, each has a different father, the first having not been a part of my wife's life since she told him she was pregnant, the second who's father is extremely casual about his daughter to the point that we haven't heard from him in months, and the third is mine. All three kids know me as and call me Dad and despite our upcoming separation, my wife told me she won't take the kids away from me, hence the kids staying and my wife and I swapping places.

To add further, my parents are still together but my wife's parents divorced when she was 10 (I recently found out her mother had another spouse between my wife's Dad and her Mum's current husband) and her Dad never remarried. The town we live in is littered with broken families/single parents so I have an uphill battle. This is both my wife's and my first (and hopefully, only) marriage.

[MrBond]

"I agree that she should have listened to my concerns but I entered our relationship knowing how tied to this town she was."

I wasn't referring to the fact that she should have listened to your concerns, I was wondering if she ever ADDRESSED your concerns. Did you talk it over or was it her decision and you had no say about it.

"As for the kids, each has a different father"

Your W is a piece of work. Okay, so right now she's pretty selfish. She's grown up with the idea that if you don't like the situation you're in, rather than talking about it, you just find someone new.

Has she been like that with other things in her life? Jobs, hobbies, etc.?

[Barrybran]

She would always respond to any concerns I had but not necessarily do anything about them. Spending time together wasn't high on her agenda so she would do it on her time. This was not an issue when things were good. The money/income thing she played down because we're fine at the moment. My concern is that if she loses her job in the future we're extremely limited with options. I've only had one casual job in the time I've lived in this town and I've taken up jobs on the opposite coast (where I'm from and was before/when my wife and I met) to prop up our savings and she was stuck in a job she didn't really enjoy for several years because the options were so few. She has a very short-term view of life.

She's wanted another baby since last year and I baulked at the idea because we would need a new car as we don't have enough places in our current cars. I understand her reasons and even my emotional reasons for having one aligned with hers but I wasn't prepared to mortgage our future for another child. As it is, our son already has to sit back and wait for my wife's and my attention because the younger girls are a handful and I don't think it's fair that he's pushed further back in the queue. I also do far more with the house and kids than my wife does and I don't particularly want to be chasing around an extra 33% of kids, arguments, dishes, clothing and mess.

As for the different kids part, the fathers of the elder two kids left her before the kids were born. I'm the only one who has stuck around. My wife is selfish, there is no doubt about that. She does handle problems poorly and bottles up and runs which is what she did the first time we broke up (prior to marriage). She found out I cheated four months prior to telling me she knew (I shouldn't have done it and I should have been open about it but I'm looking to the future) and after we spoke about it she didn't bring it up again for another six months. I was extremely naive about online cheating and trust until a few weeks ago, hence not bringing it up myself. ie. I thought things would be/were fine.

Her major hobby at the moment is her cakes which she's been doing for a couple of years now. She had dabbled in it for a couple of years prior to that. If you can call playing games on her phone a hobby she's done that since we met, albeit spending much less time on it when things were good. She's pretty impulsive about things. She'll have ideas and not do anything about them and then get a burst of energy and plough through an idea: framing family pictures, cleaning the entire house, going through the garden, making/decorating things, etc. Very little is planned in her life and if it is it's never more than a few days ahead. Even Christmas this year is up in the air though we received news last night that her brother and his girlfriend are unable to make it over here.

[Barrybran]

Here's a strange question for you all. Should I find a new place so my wife and I have our own spaces now or wait until after Christmas like she wants?

I ask this as the past few days have been bearable since I dropped the relationship talk. She's pleasant to me, she's asked me my opinion on things about the house and kids and she hasn't been nearly as cold as when I was in begging, pleading mode. In saying that, she does her own thing to the point that she is leaving me to chase the kids more than usual. For example, it's Saturday night here and the kids usually stay up a little later than normal. Noone really wanted to cook so I went down the street to grab some pizzas, came back and the kids didn't want any. My wife puts on something quick and easy for them and then walks out the door telling the kids that "Dad will finish it for you." I understand that my wife will live her own life her own way for a while but examples like this have occurred a few times now. While I have to accept how it affects me I don't like that it's also coming at the expense of the kids.

Any thoughts on starting the physical separation now or respecting her choice by waiting until after Christmas?

[Cadet]

Any thoughts on starting the physical separation now or respecting her choice by waiting until after Christmas?

Whats better for the kids?

Do that!