A mutual friend told me he saw her and a friend at a bar and she wasn't drinking or smoking anymore. She has changed her status to -in a relationship with this guy- almost a week ago. Her and this mutual friend are still friends on FB. He thinks she knows that he told me of OM because she told him that she doesn't want to hurt me. But she is obviously avoiding it. She also stated to him that we are getting a divorce-no maybe but we are.
She still has feelings for me but doesn't want be with me. We can't talk about our relationship because she's not to a point to reconcile or have anything to do with me.
I'm struggling with staying with NC at the moment, letting this happen (I have no choice), continue bettering myself, giving it and her time. OR doing that AND talking about the affair now. Get it over with and her tell me we ARE getting divorced.
If/when we talk about the affair I have the right to ask why, how long, if she plans to continue. I will let her talk and not interrupt.
It seems unfair that she isn't willing to talk about our relationship, situation, or anything.
---- She's done something like this before when we were dating. We started getting real serious and lived together. She wanted time and space for herself. It was over a month and was tough and I was better then with NC and giving her the space. Then it was a bf/gf but this is marriage. When they ended she came back and told me she dated another man, how bad he was, she missed me, she was confused, hurt, etc. We talked it out and decided to date again. We took it slow and in time decided to marry. We lived together again and things were good. She didn't contact him and we were getting married. I think she's still in a fog right now.
I thought this may be a similar thing. We talked about children and decided to try back in August. Friends told us what to expect and her mother was happy and couldn't wait for another grandchild. I think this may have pressured her. She did miss friends and where we used to live(where her parents are and she is now), and the state of our marriage was hurting her.
She hasn't worked in years. Even years before we were married. Her parents have supported her. Since married I have been supporting us. She's saying bye to all of our things, life and friends here, our pets, me supporting. I don't know how long her parents will do it again. She has a lot think about and I don't think she has. She isn't thinking straight and there it too much influence on her now. If this is what she wants she has to face all of it.
I know it doesn't quite feel right, but NC is the only way your going to get yourself thru this BH. Hang in there.
The NC is for you, to protect yourself. Don't for a minute think she's in a fog, you'll underestimate her resolve. She thinks this is absolutely REAL in every way.
Work on your issues, cause in the end that's the only thing you have a say in. I understand you feel a lot of guilt for your share of the marriage issues, but don't feel like you were ALL to blame, and you didn't walk out and have an affair.
You cant help her fix her issues, and its best to let her go and let her deal with her own mess. I promise you OM isn't going to put up with having to CARRY her after a while either. If she isn't willing to address her own faults, theres nothing you can do but take care of yourself.
A lot about DB is doing the opposite of what you would normally do. It all feels counter intuitive, but in the end it works. It may or may not save your marriage, but you come out of it way better than where u were headed.
Stay strong buddy, it all takes a lot of patience. What are you doing to take care of yourself, eating/sleeping, getting out a bit? Are you seeing a counselor? Do you have any outlets?
BTW, I think you should deactivate your FB acct. for a while. If your looking, it only makes things harder on yourself. Do you really need to be posting on FB right now anyways?
I shut mine off completely about 9 months ago, and I have to tell you, I don't miss is at all. If that's one of your outlets, its not working for you right? If you are getting tempted to look/snoop occasionally, then remove the temptation. Its time to find some REAL outlets.
Thanks. I haven't messed with FB in sometime. No snooping.
I know the NC is for me. I do want to save my marriage. We played phone tag for 5 days and then Tuesday of this week she text asking a good time to call because we need to talk. I told her I would let her know. I haven't contacted her since. I felt I needed time to organize my thoughts and feelings.
If she wants to tell me about OM what is the point? She still wants divorce so is it to ease her mind and guilt and make it easier?
If I don't call she eventually will.
I work and that keeps me busy, reading self help and marriage books and this forum, hobbies, and getting out some. It's getting a little easier. If it was to get to reconcilation them I would understand more.
My goal is to save our marriage. If she needs this time and face her decisions, faults, and all then ok. I believe we can work through all our issues. Her wanting to or seeing that is another story. I haven't begged or pleaded. I know I am not all at fault here.
She called as I posted the above reply. I didn't answer because I'm still organizing thoughts.
I knew she would call...
It feels wrong to avoid, NC, or delay this.
I know that OM won't be around too long. She won't really be happy with that. She knows that the position I am in with work and living situation that I probably won't be going anywhere soon. It's tough.
Before she left we were talking about our issues and what she needs to do, what I need to do, what we need to do, and it was loving, kissing, hugging, holding hands. That makes this harder. It was suppose to be just a break. Not asking for divorce a week after.
We both are stubborn. She makes decisions, right or wrong, and sticks to them, learns lessons too late. Her words. The ultimate goal is to save our marriage. How ever long, whatever it takes.
She called as I posted the above reply. I didn't answer because I'm still organizing thoughts.
I knew she would call...
It feels wrong to avoid, NC, or delay this.
I know that OM won't be around too long. She won't really be happy with that. She knows that the position I am in with work and living situation that I probably won't be going anywhere soon. It's tough.
Before she left we were talking about our issues and what she needs to do, what I need to do, what we need to do, and it was loving, kissing, hugging, holding hands. That makes this harder. It was suppose to be just a break. Not asking for divorce a week after.
We both are stubborn. She makes decisions, right or wrong, and sticks to them, learns lessons too late. Her words. The ultimate goal is to save our marriage. How ever long, whatever it takes.
You can answer her calls.
But their is not going to be a magic button that is going to FIX your marriage.
It will take a very long time and lots of hard work.
I'm going to call back. Let her talk. No interrupting her. Stay calm. No arguing, yelling, attacking, etc. Let her know I understand what she's saying Let her know how I feel. See what else she says. Tell her I need to give this some thought. End the conversation first.
