Melissag VI - There's no one I'd rather be than me

[keep_going]

Hi Melissa,

I don't think I've posted to you before, but I've been reading along for quite some time.

I want to tell that I am happy to see you working on yourself. I think I wasn't where you are probably until after 2 yrs. after my bomb date... So kudos to you for getting there a lot faster.

Yet, as you know there is always more work to do.
And so I have a question for you:

I am continuing to see why I need to detach.

What specific things are you doing now to detach?

((((melissa)))

[bluesgal]

Hey Melissa, Glad to see you are plugging along. I enjoy your posts, but time is so limited for me right now. I hope to take some time today to catch up. Hope all is well.

[melissag]

Get out of his head. You don't have to know what he's thinking and why to have a wonderful life. (it's the season)

Keep moving forward!

I am trying so hard . . . I can accept that this is my life now, I can GAL and I can fix myself and I can conquer my fears and focus on my kids, and feel great about who I am and love myself, but I want my H. I want my family. I don't know how to get past this. Or if I want to.

And so I have a question for you:

What specific things are you doing now to detach?

KG, thank you so much for reading and posting on my thread! I just read some of the more recent posts on yours, and wow, the last one was inspiring. You are doing amazingly well, and I am impressed with your PMA!!

I don't really know what I am doing to detach, because I am not really sure how to detach. What I am doing that I hope will help:

• GALing like mad;
• Not allowing fear to control my actions anymore;
• Initiating contact with H only if necessary;
• Focusing on my kids;
• Reading (boards, books, etc.), compiling a list of good points/advice and constantly hammering them into my head;
• Cutting off mind reading or guessing or assuming anything about H as soon as I see it coming;
• Cutting off self destructive thoughts;
• Living in today and not thinking about the future;
• Accepting that I cannot control anyone other than myself;
• Accepting that my life is uncertain right now, and not trying to fight it;
• Spending time with people who are fun and supportive;
• Remembering that H is on his own journey and needs to live it on his own;
• Reminding myself that I am worthy, and that H's behaviors/actions/decisions are not a reflection on me, but on him; and
• Counting on time to help me out.

I could keep going with this list, but you get the idea. I feel like at times I do pretty well, but others not so much. I review the "letting go" list periodically, and I think I am doing pretty well with most of the items. I do seem to be stuck with fear . . . I am able to conquer my fears about just about everything else, but not the fear of losing my H and our family. Not because I think I can't take care of myself and the house and my kids, but because I want to be married. To my H. I know this is a major sticking point, and I am not sure what is going to help me push past this. And like I said earlier, I do fear getting to that place where I don't fear losing H anymore. That sounds incredibly sad to me . . . like I have given up.

[keep_going]

Melissa,

I like your post too!


Look, I hear you. I was exactly where you are and with the same exact thoughts.

I had the hardest time detaching...Heck it only took me 3 years - lol... and sometimes I still slip (like on Thanksgiving).

Two things I realize now:
1) I will go at MY own pace, and pressuring myself, or letting others' perspective pressure me, only makes things worse. I had to come to accept that this process and my healing would take as long as it needed and that knowing I was trying had to be enough.
Think of it as self-love, kindness for where you are emotionally and acceptance of your feelings. That helped a lot.

2) The one thing that helped me the most to be detached (besides time), was acceptance and choice - I think they go hand in hand. How so?

You write consistently: "but I want my H. I want my family."
Look - I want my H and my family too! Even after 3 years...

But RIGHT NOW, that is not in the cards for me. My life TODAY is me and my kids.

It doesn't mean I have to like it, but I can accept that just for today, this is where I am.
Because frankly, I don't have control over having my H or my intact family back, since HE doesn't want that, right now.

"I don't know how to get past this. Or if I want to."
This is where choice comes in. Of course you can get past this!
With acceptance of your reality and reminding yourself that acceptance doesn't mean you are giving up on your HOPE that things will change.

Change your discourse:
"I want my H and my intact family, I HOPE it will happen, but TODAY, it's not.
So today, I CHOOSE to be happy DESPITE the fact that my reality is not exactly what I want it to be."
Make a conscious choice every minute, every hour, every day.

How?
Zone in, really focus on it, and be PRESENT.
Every moment, every interaction with everyone in your life - make it count!
In every conversation, smile, make eye contact, listen, participate, feel it.
With your kids, really be there - laugh, cry, enjoy every moment.
In every meal - take the time to savour what you are eating. When you are working out, feel the pain and effort in your body and your mind.
When you are having fun, let yourself laugh out loud, dance, whatever.
When you are listening to music, working, driving, whatever - look around, appreciate.

Every moment is an opportunity if you CHOOSE to make it.

That awareness and presence and focus in the here and now helped me get out of my own head, get away from wondering about what H and OW were doing, or thinking. And the more I did it, the more I was enjoying my life!

Sure negative thoughts creep in, but the more I practice being present, the easier I can push them out and before you realize it, you have not given them much room in your life.

I don't know if this helps, but it's worth trying!

((((((Melissa))))))

[OneDay]

keep_going, where have you been my whole life? Will you marry me? (had to throw in some humor around here)

Fantastic post, I am going to print this out and read it everyday. The (How?) section of your post should be right up there with sandi's rules. Thank you so much for posting, I hope to read more of your posts soon

melissag, I know as well as you how hard this is. I am an emotional roller coaster from one hour to the next. I feel like Im living in a fog. Im currently living with my WAW, but it feels like Im living with someone I barley know. Trust me, It is almost impossible to cope, but I keep going, make myself stay positive, and try to live for moments just like keep-going said.

I hope you will follow this advice. I hope you will try. I know it will help you cope.

[labug]

k_g, ((( )))

I keep starting a response and deleting. I have no words.

[melissag]

KG, what a great post. Thank you.

#1 is an issue for me, something I need to work on. I tend to be very judgmental of myself and my progress. I know all (or a lot of) the stuff I need to know, and understand and accept it on an intellectual level, but I am frustrated by how my emotions are lagging so far behind. I guess it is expecting way too much for someone to have mastered this in less than three months . . . so I need to stop expecting it of myself. When I get upset about something H does/doesn't do/says/doesn't say/did or said or thought only in my imagination, I get mad at myself that I am still doing that, even though I KNOW I need to stop and I am only torturing myself. But you are right. This is a process. It wouldn't be human for me to be 100% detached right now. I need to go easier on myself.

On that note, I decided it would be a good idea to look at the progress I have made in the past few months. I am not where I want to be (who on this board is?) But it's been pretty significant.

Then: Could not eat, sleep, think about anything else, let alone enjoy it.
Now: Eating fine, sleeping better, able to enjoy friends, activities and time with kids.

Then: Felt totally hopeless and helpless.
Now: I know how strong I am and that I can handle whatever life throws my way.

Then: Lived life controlled by fear of everything and anything.
Now: Consistently push through fear to live the life I want.

Then: Self esteem was in the toilet, much self loathing.
Now: Know I have a lot to offer, and love myself.

Then: Felt physically weak and incapable.
Now: Feel like a bad ass.

Then: Felt that I would shrivel up and die without my H.
Now: I still want my H, but know that I don't need my H to survive.

Then: Felt uncomfortable in my own skin; wanted to be someone else.
Now: Feel good about myself; there is no one I'd rather be than me!
(Bonus points for anyone who can name that Disney movie.)

There is more, but this post is getting long.

I'll get to the point now - instead of bemoaning where I am not, I need to remember where I came from and look at how far I have gotten already.

#2. I definitely accept my reality. (That doesn't mean I like it.) And I do choose to do my best and be happy in spite of whatever my H is doing. The problem comes in for me like this . . .

Yay, that was so fun taking the kids to the playground. I am grateful for this beautiful day, and the mountains look so pretty with snow on them. I loved swinging on the swings, and playing with my kids.

Oh sh!t, now I have to go home and do dinner and bedtime routine on my own, and go to sleep without H. Again. FML.

The negative thoughts just seem to creep in. I guess just continuing to be grateful and live in the moment will help. After all, if I compare now to a few months ago, I do have a lot more time when I am not bombarded by negative thoughts.

KG, I will refer back to your post many times, I am sure. To make sure I stay on the right track and am always pushing forward, doing my best. So thank you again.

[juliegayle]

Melissa I haven't posted to you lately but wanted to let you know I read daily and am learning a lot from your journey. I even took notes and took to my therapist last week to help explain to her some of my personal goals.

Thank you for being so open and and transparent.

Congrats on how far you have come.

[melissag]

JG, thanks for your post! It brightened my day. I hope you are doing well and hanging in there through the holidays.

I have been so lucky to have a lot of really wise, thoughtful DBers follow and comment on my sitch. I am glad that others can learn from my threads, too!

[Underdog]

Wow, K-G,

That was a fabulous post! No matter what is happening in our lives, I think that it's an important reminder to actually LIVE the lives we have. Thank you.

It reminds me of a saying an old friend used to tell me: when you have one foot in the past and the other one in the future, you're pissing on the present. I really hate that visual - enough to live in the NOW when I can. (BTW, Melissa, this is the theme of the book I recommended earlier - The Power of Now).

I also got an e-mail from my sister this morning that had a bunch of inspirational quotes. One of them said, "If you find yourself consistently down in the dumps, it means you are living in the past. If you find yourself consistently anxious, you are living in the future. Happiness lies living in the present."

I think what helped me most is knowing that my girls have one childhood, and I OWED it to them to make it as happy as possible. Until I felt like I could do it without thinking too much, I distracted us with stuff that we could do together - like going to the movies, the park, the pottery place, etc. I used those times to build the bridges to normalcy. I got season tix to the Avs (before they went on the skid), which is something my D19 and I did together. It seemed to help us transition to our new normal so much easier and more quickly.

I can't stress this enough to all you newcomers: the holidays are very, very tough and they seem to bring out the unexpected in our WASs. I know I had a tendency to make the holidays more important than any other time of year, and I can see now that I set us up for setbacks and some misery on my part. I don't have any advice there, just be cognizant of the fact that the next 10 days are going to be a roller coaster for all of you. Just remember that when you slide down or climb up. This, too, shall pass.

Okay, time to get back to work. It's a busy day and won't get better for a few more.

Take care of yourselves--
Betsey