Yesterday marked one year since I received the email from xh (then h) asking me not to contact him because he was trying to move on with his life.
What a difference a year makes. We're both iced in at our apts and he's been jokingly trying to get me to go over there with talk of Harry Potter movies and hot chocolate.
While I don't like being in the friend zone, it could be much worse. So I choose to be grateful.
And thankful that I've used the last two days to get my projects closer to completion. I'm ready to finish up this semester and enjoy a month of pleasure reading (although it's mostly relationship and communication books, so I'm not sure it's really fun reading!) and no homework assignments looming overhead.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Thanks gabbysmom for essentially telling me to relax on all the work and do some fun reading. I will, it's just that I do like to learn and know that I still have a ways to go at communicating my needs/wants effectively.
The last 24 hours have probably been some of the toughest I've had in months, if not the last year or so. About a week and a half ago, xh came back from a trip to fl. He didn't mention much about it and seemed eager to see me so I actually thought that maybe he was over her and would want to try again with us.
The last few days he'd invited me over, but last night was the first chance I had. He'd mentioned leaving on Sunday to see his family for Christmas, so I'd asked if he was still leaving then as I had something to drop off for them. He stated that he'd be dropping by his place on the way there.
I found out that he was planning to leave at 5am to drive back to fl to see her again and that while they're not "official" yet, they probably will be soon because she really likes him.
He said that he often wonders if we could get back together, but he thinks of all the negative stuff that happened between us and this new girl hasn't done anything bad to him.
He said he thought I was over him and was ok with us just being friends. I guess I did a good job recently at acting as if and appearing detached, but I broke down when I realized that I really wasn't.
I wasn't able to get to sleep and ended up having someone take my shift at work because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up a happy, playful attitude for six hours.
My ss moved back to NY, so I think I need to be able to step away from this friendship or whatever it is with xh. I was letting xh have all of the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility. And that's not good for either one of us.
I have to love him enough to let him go. I know I'm worth the effort to make things work, but I'm not sure he's capable of doing the work, for me or anyone else. I have to let him make the first move though if we do have a chance.
I need a strong man, who can stand behind his decisions and not be passive aggressive or just drift through life, accepting things as they happen. Someone who knows that all relationships take work and is willing to do the work.
I'd love for that to one day be xh, but I have to accept that it may not be.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
The last 24 hours have probably been some of the toughest I've had in months, if not the last year or so.
UUGGHH!! that is so difficult to realize. I hope you feel better soon.(((hugs)))
Quote:
I need a strong man, who can stand behind his decisions and not be passive aggressive or just drift through life, accepting things as they happen. Someone who knows that all relationships take work and is willing to do the work.
I thought this was awesome.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
By the way, don't fall for his brainwash. If you seemed miserable and pining for him, do you think for a minute he'd be back with you? Do you think for a minute that because you showed dignity and acceptance, it's your fault that he's not back?
You deserve better and you have your chance now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
And so you inspire me to a sermon of sorts from my most vulnerable self. Be gentle with me, as this is a risk for me. I guard my soft parts well. But, you and me, we are both worth the risk. Hear my words below spoken from an open heart with love.
Put away the tired cliches and old ways of thinking: what is going on with your need to stop the unhealthy friendship and dysfunctional contact has nothing to do with loving XH enough.
Instead it has to do with *loving and respecting yourself enough* to let go of being someone's Plan B.
Do not be afraid. Love Yourself.
"No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now." Alan Watts
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." James A. Baldwin
When you find yourself evaluating your choices and decisions based on how you think they will affect XH, or what they mean about your R with XH, STOP. It is disrespectful and unloving to yourself. It is selfish to use another thusly as a crutch to avoid confronting and moving through your fear. Love is the answer, and now it is time to learn love yourself.
Start with loving care and concern for a woman who is repeatedly injured by a man who regularly treats her as a thing made solely for his comfort and convenience, a man who she sees treats other women similarly.
Would you encourage her to continue to accept such treatment? Would you suggest that she stop allowing it for *his benefit*? Or would you hope to gently persuade her to recognize *her own value*? Would you hold her hand, hug her, and try to get her to see that to continue to accept scraps of attention out of fear of deprivation and emptiness and loneliness prevents her from finding the bountiful happiness life has to offer her?
Your life is a creative process to define the shape of your path through life. It is not a time to spend monitoring the path of another, edging it for weeds unasked, making building plans and buying supplies for a design the other does not seek to follow. Nor can you build your own path to block another's. It won't work and the effort to evade your obstruction will only be resented by both, understandably so. For, measures to control the path of another and countermeasures to block such efforts both squander time that each could have better spent on making one's own path beautiful and serene. That is quite enough work in itself :-)
Who are you to continue to deny the world the beautiful force of your free-from-fear happy shining productive life? You are strong. You are valuable. You are worth it. Confront the old deep soul-wounding hurts within that make you flinch in any way at such true words. Acknowledge the beauty and value of your being. Out loud. Right now. Say: "I am a person of infinite value, profoundly worthy of my own love and respect, beautiful in my heart and mind. I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. I will not hide from the pain that recognizing my own value brings. I will love and respect myself. "
No really, say it. Say it three times. And again in the mirror. Just try it. No one will see. It is OK. And, I already know it is true, so please don't feel foolish. It's just an exercise in stating the obvious, but sometimes the obvious is what we need to hear. Just do it already. Yes, really. OUT LOUD :-)
Step away from fear into authenticity. There is no betrayal in being true to one's best self. Indeed, it is the first step to being true to anyone or anything. It is OK. Come into yourself. Joy and peace to you.
Thank you all so much. At first I really didn't want to write about my day because I felt frustrated that I wasn't as detached as I'd been convincing myself I was. I should have known that everyone here is so great and would give me the encouragement I need to move forward.
Subguy, thanks for the hugs! And for the awesome comment. I guess some of my reading on relationships/communication is sinking in and I'm realizing what I want. I just need to be strong enough and patient enough to wait for it.
Adinva, misery isn't attractive. If that were true, he would have come back the first week when I didn't eat, sleep, and barely could get dressed! You're right, it is brainwash. I think he actually believes it though, which is why it is so hard. Add to that his depression and I guess I'm still having a hard time trying not to fix the situation.
Oldtimer, thank you so much for taking the time to write me the sermon! I really do appreciate it.
"It is not a time to spend monitoring the path of another, edging it for weeds unasked, making building plans and buying supplies for a design the other does not seek to follow."
You're right. I need to focus on myself. I've been trying to make it so easy for him to return. So easy that he wouldn't have to focus on his issues or how to have a relationship. And even if that did work, if he did return without figuring anything out, we'd be back in this situation soon.
I'm a planner and a fixer. But I need to focus those skills on myself, because I have a hard enough time controlling myself and definitely can't control anyone else. Logically I know that, but emotionally it's hard to let him possibly fail. But he's an adult and makes his own choices.
Gabbysmom, I keep trying to convince myself that he's not really stringing me along or at least he doesn't realize that he's doing it, but either way he's not willing to commit to us and that's what really matters.
I know I didn't push him away. We made the same vows and I would have continued to work on things for a lifetime. He is the one who chose the easier option of getting out and trying to find happiness some other way. And I continue to enable him by making things easier on him.
I will always love him and care about him, but I think I'm finally figuring out that I'll have to do it from afar. Trying to be best friends with him keeps giving me false hope that he'll fall back in love with me and decide to do the hard work necessary to make a relationship work.
Thank you all so much for your support. I know I'm awesome, I really do, but sometimes I just can't get out of my own way. At least I'm feeling a lot better today than yesterday, so that's a good sign.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Ok, you got me. But I just did it now. About to head into work, but I'll write it on an index card and post it on my bathroom mirror tonight!
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
I've spent most of my free time finally reading all of my health and fitness mags that have been piling up since the semester started. I also read two novels and started a couple of non-fiction books too.
Xh has been acting strange, but I guess that's the usual, so maybe it's not strange!
On his way back from fl, after not communicating with me for a few days, he sent me a text where I could track his route he was driving. I was at work, so after a few hours I just texted and told him to drive safely.
The next day he drove to his mom's house and send me another route tracking text in the am. That night he texted, saying that his family missed me and that I wouldn't be turned away if I showed up at the door. Not exactly the invitation I was looking for, especially with a 6 hour drive between us!
Christmas eve morning he texted again, asking if I was working, even though I'd told him I was off til Fri. I guess he's lost his memory completely. Then he said, "so you could be here by 5?"
He's driving me crazy. I'd love to see his family, and if I was actually invited I would have seriously considered it. Instead, he's being passive aggressive and acting like he wants me there, but not actually asking me. And every night he's been sending me a late night good night text.
I need to take a step back and concentrate on me anyway. On Christmas I decided to sign up for a 7 race series that includes 5 5k's, a 5 miler, and a 15k. I'm not really a runner, but this'll give me something to work on throughout the year.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
