Melissag XII - getting divorced

[melissag]

Previous thread:

melissag XI - sigh

25, my response to your post is back in that last thread.

Well, for those who haven't seen already, my H won't say the "D" word, but he has sent me his proposal for division of assets, custody/visitation, etc.

He said he thinks his proposal is "more than fair." It kind of goes along with his whole attitude - that he is a man of honor and integrity, as long as he doesn't try to screw me over financially (though no matter what, I will be pretty piss poor in comparison), and as long as he doesn't abandon his kids.

There is just something missing in him. The part that considers other people and their feelings. And when I think back, it's been a long time of my H invalidating my feelings and making me feel small and insignificant.

I haven't even really had a pity party for myself since the "next steps" email. I am focused more on making sure that I continue to live my life the way I want regardless of H or what he thinks, and making sure that I have a say in the D process. I haven't had very many affectionate thoughts about my H.

I was outside shoveling this afternoon (it is still snowing but I wanted to clear the walk for the mailman who comes around 5:00 - something my H would have scoffed at me for), and I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out who tells his W of 11 years that now, without her, he is the happiest he has ever been. And not in a "I'm so mad at you and spewing crap" way, but in an email where he thinks he is being perfectly civil, kind and reasonable. It's kind of along the lines of calling his apartment "The Dad Pad" to me - just no thought that maybe that's offensive.

H has happily eaten up all of my apologies, acknowledgments of wrongdoing, etc. And even scolded me for them. Not a single acknowledgement on his end that he has been less than a perfect person and H. No apology. Nothing. Just the steadfast belief that putting his own selfish desires above his marriage and family is perfectly acceptable.

Right now I feel like what I have really lost is the dream (fantasy, really) of what I thought our marriage could have been. But I am 100% certain that my H, the way he is now (and probably the way he was through most of our M), couldn't possibly fulfill that fantasy.

So right now I am just living my life. Keeping up my GAL and 180s.

I made an appointment with a really good D lawyer for next week.

And I am considering switching Cs. I posted about it earlier but was hoping for some feedback - would it be completely out of line for me to switch to a C who is business partners (in an outside venture) with my C? I went to the other C initially but she just didn't have a slot for me in her schedule, so she referred me to my current C.

I think my current C could be a good friend . . . I really like her, but I am just too comfortable on her sofa. I think the other C will challenge me more and help me grow.

Any good way to do this?

[2stubborn2quit]

I'm so sorry to hear that. You worked so hard to make things work. Do you want the D at this point?

As for the C switch, you simply go to the next one and start, just like you'd change accountants.

Keep focusing on making yourself a happy person, you deserve that and more.

[melissag]

I want a D about as much as I want a brain eating amoeba.

I'm just accepting that, the way H is right now, there is no way we could have a successful M.

At the time of BD, things were not great. We were both unhappy. Then H BDd, and I decided to work on the M and making myself a better person, while H decided (contrary to his stated intentions) to have fun, enjoy his freedom and focus on whatever makes him feel good at any given moment, with no regard to anyone else. Well, with no regard for me. I don't know how he treats the other people in his life.

So yeah. He's pretty far gone. From our M, and from someone I would want to be M to.

Boo.

[bluesgal]

I agree with 2S2Q-I've changed counselors. Did it just like that. Called and made appt with someone else. This is too serious to not see someone who will help fulfill your needs of personal growth and healing. Especially now, M

[bluesgal]

BTW-I loathe the name of your new thread.

[melissag]

BTW-I loathe the name of your new thread.

Me too.

I am trying to accept that it's going to happen and I can't stop it.

I understand the reality but I don't like it. At all.

[2stubborn2quit]

Well you have my sympathies, you worked hard to save your marriage. I don't know what I'd do in your situation.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Boo is right.

I can almost guarantee your h treats other people better. I know my ex does. They look at us under a microscope and we never get the benefit of the doubt or the even the same respect given to a stranger. My bro says that's expected though because we are the closest people in their lives. Very ironic. I know I was guilty of treating my ex sh*ttier than a stranger at times.

Love can be weird sometimes.

Are you still gonna run this marathon? I'm not even sure what that means for us. You hear it all the time. It's a marathon not a sprint. Do we just detach and tuck our hope into a box? Is hope the thing that keeps us in the marathon? And if we throw hope away does that mean we've dropped out of the race and we're off playing basketball or something?

Sorry for my ridiculous thoughts. I'm always curious to know your thought process because we are still eerily in the same phase.

Stay strong m...

[mustardseed]

I think that rather than getting rid of hope, perhaps you should just replace it with faith. Hope keeps you focused on the fantasy you want, faith allows you know that things will work out in the way that will be best--even though you can't know what that is right now. I found that being hopeful often meant lying to myself about what was really happening in an effort to make things be how I wanted them to be. Having faith, however, allowed me to let go of my ideal situation and as a result made detaching feel freeing.

Think of it right now as a road trip. He decided to go a different way, and for the past few months--even though you hated the route he chose you continued to follow him. That road never felt right to you, and even though you were following him down that road you were still alone in that journey. He was speeding along in one car while you were desperately following in your own hoping to catch up and share the ride again. In that car you could play your own music, have the temperature the way you wanted it, drive a speed you were comfortable with (all of you GALs), but you were still following his road, not yours.

Now he told you he doesn't want you to follow him anymore. That doesn't mean you won't end up in the same place later on. It means, take a path that feels more comfortable to you. Take a path that will make you feel better about being alone in that car. When you take this turn, have faith that you will be satisfied with where you end up. Then let go of the destination and enjoy the ride. Let his choices play out for him however they will and don't be concerned with it. Now it is time to do what you need to do.

I think your response to his email is perfect. He told you to stop following him, so rather than just taking the next exit because he told you to, stop at the next scenic overlook and decide what will make this next leg of the trip the most satisfying for you and your kids. The only wrong choice you can make is the one that keeps you feeling scared and desperate. As long as you are true to yourself and stop focusing on him you will be just fine.

(I tend to get a little heavy handed with my metaphors, don't know)

[melissag]

I can almost guarantee your h treats other people better. I know my ex does. They look at us under a microscope and we never get the benefit of the doubt or the even the same respect given to a stranger.

That's exactly what I used to tell him. That he ought to treat me at LEAST as well as he would a perfect stranger. Nope, he didn't agree. I was the one who was supposed to love him no matter what. Then he would give others the things I wanted (support, someone to listen to me when I was upset, etc.) And tell me that I didn't want his support, that's why he doesn't give it to me. Or, he's simply not capable of it.

I think that's the thing that hurts the most - and 3boyzmom hit on this recently as well - seeing him give to others what we would/could not give to me, that I so desperately wanted.

Are you still gonna run this marathon? I'm not even sure what that means for us.

I'm not really sure what it means at this point to keep standing vs. being done. It seems the actions are the same. I need to focus on me and my kids now, and really try to detach from my H. I am not sure I can even be friends with him right now. I think I need some time to just really be away from him, so I don't end up getting constantly gut punched.

Though I do like playing basketball, and I've got a hoop in front of my house . . . .

2TH, it's interesting, I was thinking about your situation vs. mine in terms of being legally M. If there is no legality to your breakup, then I feel like it makes it easier to stand . . . because there never seems to be any finality to things. Whereas when you are M, a D is about as final as you can get, right?

I am not sure which is worse, though.

Mustard, I really liked your metaphor. (And don't worry about being too heavy on the metaphors, you must have missed my moldy cheese rant a few weeks ago on PM's thread.)

I will probably come back to your post a number of times to just mull it and really let it sink in.

The problem right now is, I still wish that my H would just park his damn car in our garage next to mine where it belongs. That's where the detachment comes in. And though I have come a long way in detaching, I have a long way to go.