M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I was watching Dr. GRAY Mars/Venus. He says you should be friends with you spouse and then the feelings will come. Actually he said husbands. Not sure if it works for wives? Just wondered people's opinion? It's not really going dark. This is actually what my H wants???
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Relationships start out as friendship and if you are lucky, some of them go on to be more loving and permanent relationships. With the mlcer you have to go dark/dim for you, not to punish the person in crisis. Even being dim, you can still treat them in a friendly manner. Many of them don't want to be friends, but that doesn't mean you can be friendly, even while you are biting your tongue over what they've said or done.
Keep in mind, Dr. Gray is writing about people who are not experiencing a crisis. There is no right or wrong way to deal w/a mlcer. If something doesn't work, try something different. Don't be afraid to do this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was talking with H today and I said you were more chatty when I was seeing someone. H said I was happier and nicer when I was with him. I said I'm sorry didn't mean too. (Didn't tell him) Actually I've been very short and trying to make as little contact as possible. Funny how NC to him means I'm less happy and not as nice!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Hey wants to chit chat about nothing. He will initiate it. But as soon as I ask a question. Not a relationship question he won't answer. Last was he grounded kids13 when they were with him. I've asked 2x what he told them I'd I'm supposed to keep it going. H had called when he did it to tell me but I wasn't clear what all it in tailed. Drives me nuts. I know I was to stop when he initiates the meaningless chit chat. It's soo hard for me...
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I'm not surprised he shuts down when you ask him questions...they are paranoid and everything is a secret to them. So, what do you do? Listen to what he's saying because they have loose lips and he will tell you in a roundabout way what is going on.
Now about the kids, you do need to find out why he's grounded them and go from there.
Sometimes the meaningless chit chat will give you the clues to whatever you are wondering about. You'll know if it's meaningless or not.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As far as chit chat I knew (from D13) that he had finally gotten in touch with the fire department he didn't pass one of the tests. That day I'd ask if he had ever heard back from him. H said no..I knew he was busy having to work extra long hours that day so I just said ok. I wasn't trying to pry this is something we had been talking about. Then I didn't talked to him in about 24 hrs.i know not long but for us it is.which I'm trying to make longer. H sent a text saying he talked to the chief and he'd call me later. About 1/2 he later he did. We talked about 1/2 hr. H did most of the talking.mostly about him. I fall for this thing often. Seems he wants to talk about important things in his life on his terms. He did tell me he had talked to th chief the day before???? I didn't say I already knew I just let it go.
So I guess I'm asking should I let him talk to me about himself or not talk to him at all? He had grounded the kids because of their grades and told me she was doing it. In fact he called me that night 3times and was mad because I didn't answer my phone. I texted back saying sorry I'm busy what do you need? He said he needed talk to me. So I called back 1/2 hour later a call back. What makes me mad is I shouldn't have done it because he would not have called me. He expect to be available right away, he doesn't feel any he needs to do the same. In fact purposely doesn't return my calls or text to make me mad. he said he doesn't feel the need to respond to me right away anymore. This is usually about the kids.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I'm going to suggest that you go a little bit dim on him. Yes, you need to communicate w/him when it's about the kids, emergencies and finances...but for him to just chit chat or as they say shoot the breeze, I wouldn't be readily available all of the time. He wants to be on his own, so he needs to learn to entertain himself. It's funny how they will tell you about things, but do not ask them about what's going on w/them. In his mind, you are mom to his child.
If he catches you and chit chats, give him 10-15 minutes and then tell him you have to go. There's no reason you need to be there for him all of the time. Unless I'm mistaken, he wouldn't do it for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just remember...you have more control over your situation than you think. You are the only one that can decide whether you want to sit there and listen to his "me, me, me" chit chat or not. You get to set the timer and determine when to cut him off or whether or not you want to pick up the phone or text him. If he asks why you've not answered, advise him that you were busy and couldn't come to the phone, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, you're correct. The one thing I do is end the conversation before he does. But I need to have more will power. I've always been the giver, fixer and helper. I HAVE to stop with him. H needs to know what it's like with out me!! I will be trying my hardest!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
