Regarding the talk, I didn't expect anything different from W, but wanted her to know where I'm at. I don't want to wait 'til I'm Done, and then have her be surprised with papers.
So, it was something I needed to do for me.
Plus, if I hold my feelings in too long I'm more liable to blow up and make things much worse. Better to plan something constructive ahead of time, and bring it up at the best opportunity, while we are getting on well. My DB coach even suggested this a long time ago.
Until last week, I've always avoided R talks. I always waited until W initiated. One time, she even told me: "Since it seems you don't have the balls to bring it up, I guess I'll have to grow a pair and do it" <<<ok, that was quite a while ago, but still...
I'm not going to lose myself in this. I'm just going to be me. I know I'm a good deal for W. If she doesn't want the new me, that's ok. Like you, I also do not fear a life without my W. I think it is important for us to get to where we are, and show our strength, if we expect our W's to ever be attracted to us again. No woman wants a weak man. I will DB, but will not STFU.
I believe W was happy after the talk because she needed it as much as I did. Remember, we still live together and do things together, everyday. How long can we avoid the elephant in the room before it starts to cause it's own problems?
And her response was more positive than it was in the past. Less anger at me, much less conviction on being Done, Done, Done.
One thing I forgot to mention was that at dinner, after our R talk, W complimented me on a major life achievement from many years ago. Considering she was just mini bombing me a hour prior, I considered this another sign that she's still in this, and that feelings can still turn around.
I agreed with the other DB'ers regarding the PT, and posted a few pages back that I have pulled back on this.
Can I hold out another 3 years if it comes to that? I think so. Especially if there's no A, or things don't get worse.
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 06/29/1405:38 AM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
6mo feels like forever, you have lots of strength and patience. Fy. I keep looking and thinking could I do what you have done? My answer varies day to day, as im sure yours does to.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Last night W was on her iPad, laughing her butt off. When I asked what was so funny she tells me it’s a new book she’s reading called “Sh*t My Dad Says”. She tells me some of the quotes/stories, and it is quite funny.
This morning she told me she woke up in a panic at 3am, with an overwhelming fear that today would be the day she dies. “If I do die, take good care of *name of dog.* She’s sweet.”
She also has been talking more seriously about quitting her job of 25 years, and starting to plan for it. Said something about “Work is another one of the bouncing red balls in the air.” (in reference to something else she’s been reading.) My guess is Relationship/Marriage is a red ball too, and she doesn’t appear to be dropping that one.
Me, I’m enjoying every day of this amazing thing we call life. Each day is a gift… we can’t afford to squander any of them!
So while it may still take a while, I have a good feeling that our marriage will not only make it through this present test, but will reach a new level of intimacy only attainable after standing by each other through the most difficult of times.
Another level of Mature Love may be coming to a marriage dear to me.
How about you?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi FY, My W did that many times while she was still living with me. She was convinced that she was going to drop dead any day. At one point after I offered her some food, she (seriously) accused me of trying to feed her high cholesterol foods in an attempt to kill her! That was a scary one!
Is she planning on getting a different job after she quits the one she has? How many red balls does she feel are bouncing in the air around her and are there any that you can help get rid of?
Glad to hear things are going well. I'm wishing you the best!
She also has been talking more seriously about quitting her job of 25 years, and starting to plan for it. Said something about “Work is another one of the bouncing red balls in the air.” (in reference to something else she’s been reading.) My guess is Relationship/Marriage is a red ball too, and she doesn’t appear to be dropping that one. smile
Have you talked at all about all of that ^^? Did you ask W what she meant by one of the bouncing balls in the air? What other balls was she thinking about? Are there some that you can offer to support in some way?
Yes Matt, death has been for in the forefront of my W's mind, as it is for all those struggling through a life crisis. That's why death or serious illness of a parent or someone close is often a trigger.
"Look!!! I only have X amount of time left!!!" "I MUST do something NOW."
I've heard comments about death many many times over the last 2 and a half years. In the past, W talked about not caring if she died. Based on recent comments and ACTIONS (she started working out again) it seems she wants to live. Yay!
It is a time for positive growth, and I believe we can lead the way with our actions.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Have you talked at all about all of that ^^? Did you ask W what she meant by one of the bouncing balls in the air? What other balls was she thinking about? Are there some that you can offer to support in some way?
Communicate, bud!
In time, my dear! This is very recent and while I'm a great listener, I need to be careful to not end up in "fixing" or "convincing" role... things I've done in the past and learned it only hampers progress. Don't worry, I am there for her and she knows it, but I also need to allow her to figure this out.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
So while it may still take a while, I have a good feeling that our marriage will not only make it through this present test, but will reach a new level of intimacy only attainable after standing by each other through the most difficult of times.
Another level of Mature Love may be coming to a marriage dear to me.
How about you?
I love this!!! You are such an inspiration to me. I was starting to doubt that I could ever experience a Mature Love with somebody. I was losing my hope that H will ever come out of his crisis or if I meet somebody new to share my life with.
I do have lots of hope for you .
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
