Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2

[labug]

It's good that you recognized your anger and were able to figure out what was really going on. The all important Pause.

Why do you think those events stirred up anger? What was the emotion under the anger and why was it there? Some unmet expectation?

"Nothing ever goes away until it's taught us what we need to know." Pema
I have found that so true in my life.

And some would argue that what we don't learn in this life we still have to work on in the next.

[labug]

I also wanted to point you to this post and this discussion if you haven't already been there.

life, age, sex, hormones

[SemperFi00]

labug,

I think it was the combination of all of the small events. I could actually feel/see it building - and the fact that I could helped with not reacting in an inappropriate way. In the pastm there were times where I wouldn't see the connection / buildup until after I had reacted and calmed down.

There is also an element in there somewhere of feeling like my W has no respect for me or our R right now and that she has a tendency some days to act in a very selfish manner.

It also help last night that I got to take S15 to bbal evaluations for a summer league he wants to play in. Got me out of the house and talking to others while kids were playing.

[SemperFi00]

Will check out the link now - haven't seen it before but thanks for sharing.

And I plan on trying to pick up the books you mentioned this weekend.

[SemperFi00]

I have been skimming this post over the last couple of days - assume that you were pointing to Underdog's post in particular?

[labug]

Yes.

[SemperFi00]

Thanks for the referral. I have been following the thread and was initially intrigued by Underdog’s response as well as 25yearsmlc.

I think that it is significant contributing factor to what my W is going thru – she was actually told by her primary care she was peri-M about 4-5 years ago. The only reason I remember was because she was clearly upset and I had no idea what it was – so I headed off to learn more about it. And both her sister and mother went through a similar journey around the same time in their lives…….

I think that there are other factors also contributing such as her R (or lack of) w/her father, the fact that she has typically avoided conflict (except w/me now apparently), her parents going thru D when she was younger, being a SAHM for many years (and a 2nd time with nephew when he came to live with us), losing her sense of self-identity in being a W and mother, etc…….. Maybe many of these things are actually inter-related, sort of a chicken and egg thing.

One of the differences that stands out to me is that at some point both Underdog and 25 became willing to work with drs, etc. on how to improve things…… To date, W has been adamant that none of this could be related to anything hormonal and she doesn’t need any help. In her words she has received all the help that she needs and is finally being true to herself and her feelings……..

Yes – I know, believe only half of what they say and do…….

Not fun!

[SemperFi00]

And then all of this ^^^^ leads me back to questioning myself - since that is what I have the most likelihood of being able to change…

I know that I have made improvements throughout this process and have a lot to offer someone as part of a loving, caring R. And that much of the work needing to be done at this point is up to my W and the choices she makes – and I cannot control that or do the work for her.

So…………..

Why do I have such a hard time letting go her and moving on? What is about me and my values that makes is so hard for me to move forward down a path of D, etc….???

[SemperFi00]

I have been thinking overnight ( I know, scary....) more about the why question I mentioned above. Below are the top 3 reasons that keep coming to mind.

- values that I hold that are very important to me (particularly loyalty and commitment)
- belief that some of this is related to things that W is experiencing that she doesn't fully understand or know how to deal with (hormonal changes, depression, childhood issues) these are the things that cause me to have empathy for my W and provide me some support to keep standing
- example that I want my boys to have around working hard for the really important things
- fear of how things would be without her???? I am still not sure about this one. Initially I think there was some of this but as things have progressed I think that there is less and less of this - let's face right now she is not engaged in the M anyway.

I think there was also some guilt/sense of failure/what will people think earlier that has also faded as things progress.

Thoughts/feedback?

[ces67]

Well, it make sense to me and I'd have to echo a great deal of that in my own sitch. I'd go into details but it would just be repeating what you said.

What example are you showing your kids right now? Let's use Bug's definition of love for example. If you look at those descriptions, how much of that are your kids seeing?

For me, I feel I have demonstrated those things a lot. Not perfect by any means, but to a great degree. It recently dawned on me that the primary example my kids are learning by the example of my M is to avoid conflict, stay in your own corner and try not to jar the boat. So basically, I'm setting them up for a really tough road for their own future relationships and I have to find a way to change that and fast.

Not sure if your values are driven from a biblical basis or not. Mine are so that's where I'm coming from with this next paragraph. Take it or leave it as you like....

The example of sacrificial love is saturated throughout the bible. I also realized that the intended out come is always a deep, meaningful and intimate relationship. Always. Its never forced but to me that always appears to be the goal - to draw near.

While I see that example consistently I also see an unwavering focus to not allow mediocrity. At one point the phrasing says if you're going to go at this half-hearted, then I'll spit it out like luke-warm water. That's an interesting visual to me. It seems like a boundary of not allowing one's self to settle for less than what love should be.

I'm no theologian. I'm just a pilgram finding my way along the journey. This seems to tell me that part of the example I need to set is an unwaivering commitment to what intimacy really is. And maybe the example to not settle for less is better for my kids to see than a status quo, unfulfilling marriage.

Of course there are always a multitude of variables to consider (and I will typically take months to assess them all....) But that's where I'm at.

So the question I ask myself and maybe it will help you, is whether or not my actions consistently line up with what I value...

(a wife that mows the lawn... wow...)