Are you flailing about like a fish out of the water in the kiddie pool when it comes to validating with your WAS? No worries. Help is here now! In order to aid you in the process, here are some techniques and tips on proper validation through a Cheat Sheet for your perusal.
This thread is wide open to everyone here in the forums...newbies, vets, DBers, Coaches, Moderators, fairies, and the Big Cheese (aka MWD)...to add on and contribute.
We hope by the end of this tutorial, you'll be able to swim forward in the validation pool like a pro such as Mark Spitz/Michael Phelps or Missy Franklin thus winning the Gold Medal in Validation!
The key to a successful validation is mirroring back to what your WAS says when it comes to the issue and/or subject matter at hand..not with a grunt or a simple "ok." You would want to be really fully present and pay attention to the WAS with body face forward and eyes on them without any external distractions. If you're texting or emailing, take a step back and review & review & review it before hitting the "send" button. Once it is out, you cannot take it back.
If the WAS is feeling stressed out about, say, an upcoming job interview, you would want to give them a boost by saying statements such as "You'll ace it! I have confidence that you'll do really well!" A job promotion. A presentation at a conference. You get the idea. You want to be your WAS' biggest cheerleader which will put more love deposits in the love bank.
Pssst...here's a little dirty secret: You DO have influence on the WAS with your words, actions, attitude, and behavior.
Here are some validating statements ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sorry I interrupted you, I value what you have to say, please continue."
"You may be right." For surprising information: "Wow, you think (my computer time was detrimental to the kids)?"
For new info: "Gosh, I didn't realize you thought (I was neglecting the family)."
"I hadn't thought of it that way" "I can see how it would feel that way" "I do care. Tell me more about what you're going through" "I am gonna have to think about that a little more" "Hmmm, so you are saying xxx. Let me think about that" "I can see you're really serious about this" "I see this is important to you" "I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less emotional about this" "I understand why you might feel that way" "Gee, I'm so sorry that made you feel unloved. I never stopped loving you, but I guess I didn't express myself well enough." "Gee, it must have felt terrible to think that" "I am sorry that you feel that way" "I appreciate you being so open and honest with me"
Try and use "Would, will" statements. Do not say "should, could" if you can!!
"Wow, that's a lot to deal with" "That sounds discouraging" "That sounds like it would really hurt" "It sounds like you are really feeling xxxxx" "It sounds like xxxxx is really important to you" "I can see that you are really upset" "Would you like to talk about it" "That really bothered you, didn't it?" "How did you feel when xxxxxx?" "What bothers you the most about it" "What would help you feel better" "I can see you are really uncomfortable about this" "I can understand why you would be upset" "So, you really felt insulted (or whatever emotion), is that it"
If H/W talks, just listen. Keep your questions impersonal.
WAS: I saw our friend Bob yesterday. You: Oh? How is he doing?
WAS: I went out to that bar last weekend. You: Did you have a good time?
WAS: I'm going to Tennessee this weekend. You: Ok, I hope you have a nice time.
If H/W asks you questions, answer but be vague--don't launch into huge details.
WAS: How was your weekend? You: Great, went out with some friends and had a good time.
WAS: Where were you last night? You: I was at the gym.
WAS: What are you doing tonight? You: Probably going out to dinner.
Validate his/her feelings, let his/her know you agree with him/her when that is true, but avoid criticism when you don't agree. you don't have to pretend to agree if you think he/she's wrong, but you can say it in a diplomatic way, like "I think differently, but I understand your reasons for feeling that way." (and then don't continue to argue about it.)
but i need all the help i can get...or I will be saying some unhelpful awkward things to the beauty I am trying to rescue..Thanks Wonka hope tons of other sages share
Originally Posted By: rayzzz
So yeah that whisper you just heard is me whispering "I love you" to the empty side of our bed (WAW is out tonight)...man that feels good and I try not to crack too often but in between detaching I just need a breather! Today went well, was out for my p/t work for most of the day, came back played some video games and watched tv with kids and read them to sleep. I also did some research on validating as my "systems based practice" (see Jamesclear.com, fancy word for habits & goals) is to: -give her space -validate her feelings -GAL like crazy -180 in my new quiet calm attitude (usually type A super loud and exuberant) getting hold of my grumpy nature and changing it.
so here's what I found if you su$k at validating like I do (maybe most men? :P)
This is an excerpt from pages 103-104 from my book When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. This excerpt comes from my (long) discussion of validation and how and why to do it. In the book, I outline a six step process to validation. This is a part of “Step 3: Making a Validating Statement”: Examples of validating statements: - That must have made you feel really angry. - What a frustrating situation to be in! - It must make you feel angry to have someone do that. - That’s so difficult for you. - Wow, how hard that must be. - That’s stinks! - That’s messed up! (or stronger language if you are so inclined) - How frustrating! - Yeah, I can see how that might make you feel really sad. - Boy, you must be angry. - What a horrible feeling. - What a tough spot. - That must be really discouraging. - I bet you feel disappointed. - Rats, I know how much that meant to you. - That’s so painful for you. - Tell me more. (shows interest) - Wow, she must have made you really angry. And, of course, many, many more. If you want a validating statement to feel “true” make it about the truth of the situation for the other person. That truth is the way they feel about the event.
So there you go DBers have at it and use it to win back the WAS!
all in all a good day. Reminding myself to be slow and steady and patient in love....
Last edited by Cadet; 12/29/1501:40 PM. Reason: add validation from his thread
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Thanks for this, Wonka. Can you tell me how I did here?
H made birthday plans for himself that cuts greatly into the limited time he sees the kids this month. I saw the email and was too frustrated to respond so I ignored it right then. The next day, in a text exchange,
H: did you see my message about (my plans)? Me: I did. I'm a little sad for the kids, but I hope you enjoy your birthday. H: well, it only changes things by a few hours. Me: I hope you enjoy yourself.
(Yes, it's only a few hours but he will only see them two days this month)
This was as generous as I could be. Was it enough? Thanks!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Most excellent post Wonka. And you are correct stay away from Absolutes such as Woulds, Shoulds, and Must. When asking a question never ask Why. Instead ask a question with a How Come?. It tends to make the person less defensive. When you ask a question with a Why is comes across as Accusatory. Good stuff guys
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Is the total validation of anything and everything they say (no matter how mean or crazy) ONLY for the LRT phase? Or are we supposed to keep this up forever? What about if you make it to Piecing? THEN do you get to say?...ummm no, that's ridculous and deterimental thinking to our M!!!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Maybell the " I hope you enjoy yourself" was spectacular. Great way to validate though it hurts. good work
Man am I learning lots. SO here's my latest:
WAW has been out all week staying at her friends house because she is stressed after telling parents we are separating/divorcing. She obviously doesnt want to see me "big huge stress ball in my stomach" so I take it and look after the kids 24/7 with no relief. here's phone convo
"I am really stressed out and have been hiding all week , I was planning on staying out again tonight..."
"Well you have been through alot, i understand if you need to look after yourself its really been a tough week for you.....but you have been out all week" shouldnt have said that!
Then I recovered I think with "Yeah it had been tough, the kids miss you but I think I understand why you need this time to yourself"
whatdayathink?
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
