Here's another thread that was purged and I'm only going to post the first posting so that we can open this up to others to vent, post, etc. I'm very sorry that many of the posters that I referenced are either no longer posting or their threads have been purged over the years.
"TMAK, Paul, Vinland and Buzzy,
I apologize for not getting back to all of you sooner on how reconnection occurs. I am going to provide you w/the last informational tool that is my toolbox and once you have this description, you will have all of the tools necessary to either stand for your marriages or move on w/o your spouses. I obtained all of this information from various depression books, websites, along w/talking to others that have walked through the hot embers of h@ll and managed to save their marriages by trial and error.
True reconnection will not begin to take place until the near the end of withdrawal--going into acceptance. The spouse in crisis will begin to disassociate himself/herself w/the replay antics, i.e., new friends, drinking, etc. They will begin to dress and act like the people you once knew. They will begin to smile a bit and look you in the eyes as well. This will not occur all at once--it's very gradual. He/she will begin to gradually take an interest in their surroundings. They will start to make real contact w/co-workers, old friends (prior to mlc) and begin to take up the hobbies that they once loved. The contact w/their respective parents and family will be noticeable first. Contact w/them will become more frequent and slowly they will begin to take more interest in their children. Their interest in the pets will begin again.
As they start to move deeper into the reconnection, they will then begin to take notice of their former homes and you, the spouse will be the last. I have never understood it, but we are the first in the disconnection an the last for reconnection. The mlcer may find excuses to come to your home or meet w/you to discuss trivial issues. Generally they come around to see where your head and heart are at regarding them. They may even sit down w/you and toss out feelers about some of the things that they have done just to test your reactions. They may even ask you if you have someone new your life. Whatever they ask you, please be honest w/them, but in a very calm way. This is the most frustrating step in the crisis. This is where many of us will and have screwed up. At this step, you are the one that will either make the marriage or toss it aside. This is the time where your mlcer will be testing you to the max to see if you are going to accept him/her for who they are and for what they've done. Also, while this reconnecting is going on, many of us will begin to feel anxious and the need to begin applying pressure towards them, i.e., in making a decision as to returning home. You must find it in your heart and dig very deep to keep your expectations at zero no matter what. They must not sense that you are anxious for them to make a decision. If they sense being pressured, they will run hard and fast right back into the mlc tunnel and it will even take longer for them to feel safe to try again. You must keep your body language in calm and continue to treat them as a friend. This stage can usually last up to a year or longer, depending upon the individual. It goes hand in hand w/acceptance. Once they gradually re-enter reality, and into your life, return home and take up living again, it will take another 6-9 months (approximately) for them to actually feel safe in their skins. There will be many times when something breaks or doesn't go right, and they will feel guilty and suggest that they move back out. If you love this person and want them back by your side, do not encourage them to leave again. You will need to reassure them, just as you would a hurt child. I know, it's insane, but this is what you must do.
The board has one very smart and wise lady who is going through the reconnection process w/her xh and she is Never Give Up (NGU). I can't say enough about how she has handled her situation. She has done a wonderful job and she is an inspiration to all of us. I suggest you pull up her name and check out some of her postings. She has the patience of a saint. There are two other wonderful women who went through some tough times and did all of the right things and brought their spouses back home and they are DebM and JeanS. All three ladies deserve the very best.
There have also been questions about the connecting of your spouses during the anger, replay, depression and early withdrawal stages. Please understand that during the stages that I just mentioned, your spouses are going to do touch and gos w/you because they are afraid and very much insecure in letting go of their "old" way of life, i.e., security blanket. M Go Blue or BethM described it as a child in a room that comes running back to ensure that their mother is close by. This is what your spouse is doing. It's not reconnection. In fact, you spouse may even be so confused as to wanting to return home and try again. If he/she does this , and they have not completed the entire crisis, I can almost guarantee that they will run again somewhere within a 2 year time frame. They will not come out of the confusion and irrational behavior until they have gone entirely through all six stages of mlc that were described by Hearts Blessing. When they leave the second time, the heartache is twice as hard to bear because you thought everything was okay and the crisis was over. Please do not drop your guard if they return home while still experiencing the crisis. No matter what, you must continue on w/your lives.
As you, the spouse, continue on w/your life, you will begin to notice the difference between touch and gos and the actual reconnection phase. Just remember, the touch and gos are still replay in progress and he will be still dressing, spending money, not having much contact w/the family, home, etc. When the true reconnection begins, interest in all things will begin, eye contact will be more frequent and they will begin to smile a bit. I hope that BethM will drop by and share w/all of you what she posted over on Vinlad's thread about her knowledge of reconnection. Her explanation was quite good.
You have the best mentor of all in your court and that is M Go Blue. Listen to what he tells you, for he gives excellent advice. There were two things that he instilled in my stubborn brain long ago and they are let it go and drop the rope. I hope that at some point in your journey you will be able to let it go and drop the rope. Once you have determined that you don't have control over anyone but yourself, you'll come to realize that the positives are all there for you. There is one thing that I ask of all of you. While you are on this journey, please do not forget your children. They are hurting and confused as well. Even though you think you are doing a good job of hiding your feelings, they can sense the stress you are under. They are caught in the middle and do not know what to do to make the situation better. My wish is that someone will create a forum for the children to come to if they wish to talk. We adults can take care of ourselves, but the children can't. They are the most important people in all of this mess and they need our help in overcoming this this trauma so that they get on with their lives and not be stunted as they grow emotionally, physically and mentally.
I wish all of you the very best and hope that some day soon all of you will find the happiness that you so richly deserve."
As I look back on things, my H was in his MLC for about 5-6 years with the crisis coming to a head when he left in June to go live with OW. I left him alone, when we did talk, I was always kind, compassionate, and let him talk, and never pushed or asked questions. I read everything from Hearts Blessing, Snodderly, M-Go Blue, and Sting. I also read all the books they recommended to learn about depression and MLC BUT most of all I let go and let God. I became so close with my Lord and Savior, prayed continuously and He did the rest. My H started e-mailing me from Sept. til the day he came home and I just listened. You must learn forgiveness, you must learn about yourself and where changes need to be made and you must learn unconditional love. You must also realize and accept that this condition is really out of their control. My daughter had a terrific expression for this "an awake coma". My H does not remember everything he did, he just knows that he was not himself, and did not know any other way. Also, the OW was just an escape, he thought he cared but never really knew her and when he woke up he did not like her.
I know this is extremely difficult and you do hurt. But once I understood exactly what he was going thru, accepted what I needed to change in myself with the help of God, it made a big difference. May I recommend the site "Rejoice Marriage ministries" on the internet. They gave such support for standing for my marriage. When you said your vows to God they were sacred, and remember the vows of better or worse and in sickness and in health. This is those times.
May God Bless You and keep you strong. Muster every bit of strength you have...go to God, He will help you get thru this. Another person on the board who will help with your faith is Vinlad (Laurie)....she has got such Faith and still has not given up.
Happy Thanksgiving.....Hang in there and NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
M: 53 H:53 M: 30 years D:29, D 27, D 25 BD: 6/2/14 Proof of OW 7/7/14 D filed 8/14 (H) D dropped 1/15 (H) 3/15 H reaching out 06/01/15 Proof of OW still 06/17/15 I filed
Wow Very interesting. My W dropped the bomb 16 August 2014. It took me 6 months to figure out this is MLC. We tried counselling with no luck. She had been through depressions (which she never admitted) and she surfaced many personal issues. Projecting all sorts onto me. Long story short, she moved out last months. We agreed that D10 lives with her during the week and with me over weekends. She committed to the new flat and I made it clear that we cannot really afford two homes. Lots of tears and fighting later she moved.
One day about 3 weeks ago I noticed her eyes. She looked at me for the first time in almost a year. She was friendly now and then. I found it strange. She offered to share her drink with me. She smiled at me. I noticed her look at me when I am not looking. She was nice to my D. She was still intent to move out but she offered to do things for me. Another interesting observation is that she stopped cooking shortly after BD. I stepped in and I am really enjoying my new-found cooking skills. Recently she started cooking again. She was very good at baking and this also stopped around BD. On saturday she offered to bake me a cake. She also bought me a birthday present. I asked what was happeneing and she said that she is trying. This is completely different to her story 4 weeks ago when she wanted to divorce with all her might.
Is this sudden change normal? What does it mean? I know it is probably too early for her to return but I do not want to move to quickly and I do not want to push her away either.
AM, it might be more productive to start a new thread.
That said, have you read the archives Cadet posted? I think you'll find that very helpful in helping to understand what's going on.
Generally speaking a MLCr will go through all kinds of turmoil. Anger, guilt, remorse, no feelings, etc. Often in the space of a few minutes. Very tumultuous. It's a long journey to right the ship. Some do and some don't. Some want to rekindle relationships later and some don't. Some just want to get off the sickening ride and go back to a place that was more peaceful.
How can you tell? You can't by looking at how others experiences went. You can however be a good listener, take one day at a time, live your life and figure out what you want to do. Much like you did when you were dating
Each day is a gift. Choose to accept it or don't. Choose to enjoy it as it comes to you or don't. Choose to let her into your life. Or don't.
There are no guarantees. You will want to look for commitment. It's not enough to be "trying" to get into your life when it comes to trust. That's more like using you and not much of a foundation. But you'll know when you can trust if you don't give it to easily and if you proceed with love and kindness.
Go read the links Cadet posted. And when you have, read them again. It'll help greatly. When you do that, come back and journal or post questions. You'll get some good advice here. You'll get some that won't work for you as well, but you'll know what that looks like.
Good luck and enjoy the cake!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It would be helpful to us if you would start your own thread and tell us a little bit about you and your family. Generally around 18-24 months, something occurs that "flips the switch" and they begin to disconnect. Did something occur during that time for your wife?
Your wife is still in crisis ad they have touch and go episodes throughout the crisis. They can be friendly and then turn on a dime. As long as she is not pressured, she will be nice, however, the minute you begin to question her and/or pressure her, she'll distance herself and may even say she wants a divorce. True reconnection takes place very near the end of the crisis and if your wife just moved out recently, I suspect what you are experiencing is a touch and go.
For now, leave her to her journey and keep the focus on you and your daughter. It's a long journey with ups and downs and yes, you'll need plenty of patience and duct tape to keep your mouth shut because she's going to say and do all sorts of things that are out of character for her. As she continues on her journey, she may even become her mirror image, the exact opposite of the woman you know and love.
I did not know reconnection was such a slow process
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Entering into MLC doesn't happen instantly...it is a very slow process, i.e., just as exiting is. They will exit the crisis in the opposite order from when they entered it. Yes, it is a very, very slow process and if you are lucky enough to have your spouse, former spouse begin to reconnect, you, the LBS, must have a lot of patience because you cannot rush it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here is a compelling explanation of why the MLCer would connect last with the LBS from a remorseful MLCer from another forum whose XH had moved on:
I would have reconciled with my ex h last because that would be the most difficult relationship to reconcile. Without my fog blanket I was so weak and I had to build up my nerve and strength to muster up the courage.
Here is a powerful first-person testimony to how MLC recovery works!
