Continuing DBing after the affair

[Wonka]

Boy, boy...your W sure holds on to grudges, Peter!!! I am amazed by her inability to forgive and move forward. Pot vs. kettle...hmmmm.

[sandi2]

Clear something up for me, please. Did she know about this back in January, of has she only found out about recently?

I was wondering if she knew the first night she stayed with you.

I don't know her, of course, but do you really think you should have taken it lying down? Then you kiss & hug her and say ILY. I don't get it, Peter. Did you apologize? I hope not, since the woman was having an A! I just have to wonder if she beats you up b/c she knows you are going to pet her and carry her around on a pedestal. She is "disgusted" with you? Even if you would not call her hand on it, why would you kiss & hug her and say ILY?

It's one thing for a WAW to hold resentment toward the LBH for the M issues, but to have an A and then be disgusted at H b/c he was chatting to women on line? I mean, she keeps doing this finger pointing all the time. Just as you get one thing settled (or so you think), here she comes with something else. Can you see her ever giving you peace.....if you continue to handle it this way? Right now, you see it as working to reconcile the M. Why would she change if/after R? In fact, I think you said she's always done this. But Peter, she knows she can. I bet you wouldn't be able to talk about her behavior, and expect her to kiss, hug, and say ILY! Perhaps it's just me, but I do not see that action as you being the bigger person. Neither do I see it drawing you closer to working this out.

I know what you've said about how she is, but does that excuse everything.....in your viewpoint? Just makes no sense that a man would put up with that immature and hypocritical treatment over and over, much less give her affection and profess his love for her. And........she is still acting cold toward you. Colder now than before she decided to discuss your "behavior". Peter, this woman knows exactly what she's doing. She sets you up for the kill, you act like a puppy dog, and she enjoys punishing you days later.

[PeterV2]

Sandi, I think she only found out about it recently, like within the last week or two. I have no idea how she found out - something about a "date" I had in the city next door (but there was no date, so her info is not very accurate).

Why do I hug & kiss her and say ILY? Because I do love her. Yeah, she does treat me like s**t sometimes. But other times she is genuinely affectionate and caring. Bipolar runs in her family. I'm thinking that she has mild bipolar disorder. With that, stress is not good. She does swing from periods of high productivity and cheerfulness to feeling like molasses and depression.

I threw her a surprise birthday party yesterday for her 50th. She was totally surprised and had a great time. She stayed over at our home last night and we slept together and held each other. But as we were lying in bed she also said she's not happy where we are in our relationship. She dredged up the past again and all my mistakes and how they hurt her and made her check out of our M. I told her that I did formally apologize for my role in it and asked again for her forgiveness. She said she was working on that. I told her I never asked her to give up her self for me, but she said I expected it. I insisted that I didn't expect it. We stalemated on that issue. I try to build her up, as she suffers greatly from low self-esteem. She says she really appreciated the party and gifts. I told ILY but she just said "I know". Yeah I know - STFU.

After coffee & breakfast she left to visit her D27. As she was leaving she quoted me that saying, "If you love something, set it free..." Easy for her to say, but how to do that while co-owning a business.

We have a real estate agent coming in tomorrow to discuss selling the RH. She said her dream was to do what she's doing but that these past 2 years of stress and disaster have spoilt her dream and she's resentful of that.

I feel like having it out with her. That she was just as much to blame for going along with me. That I'm sick and tired of being blamed for everything. That if she wants her freedom, then I'll get right out of her life, but that'll mean no more helping her in the business, physically or financially. If I were to do that it could be a major setback. She would say, "I saw this coming. Typical behaviour - you haven't changed a bit...' So maybe I should ask her, "ok, you say I should set you free. What does that look like? What do you expect me to do or not do to achieve that freedom?" and then let her define her own "freedom".

It was nice sleeping together last night in our marital bed for the first time in over 4 months. But it was cold comfort. Perhaps a baby step in the right direction, with some R talk and some cuddling. But after she left this morning, I wept.

[PeterV2]

I was freaking out a bit today, not knowing where she was and of course thinking the worst (A). I went over to the RH this evening to relieve the staff and W pulled in just as I was coming in. She told me all about her day and then asked me what was wrong. I wanted to rant but instead I just said, "I'm only trying to make things better between us because I care about our marriage. If I didn't care I'd be gone." She said she's been under so much stress for so long it wouldn't take much to make her just up and leave everything. She said she can't take the pressure from me.

Yeah I know I'm pursuing by saying "it was nice to sleep holding one another and I think we should do that more often". So I agreed to stop the pressure. I have to keep up Sandi's rules - time for a review. I ain't out of the woods yet.

But then she also said there was a time a few months back when she didn't like the sight of me, but now she feels different, that she likes me being around and enjoys my company and our conversations. I said that's progress and she agreed.

I also started to bring up something in the past and she said I thought we weren't going there, so we agreed not to dredge up the past, but rather to move forward from this point.

I was about to leave and she asked me to stay a bit longer - ended up being another hour and a half. Then I left & she hugged & kissed me goodbye.

I'm feeling a lot better now than when I first went over there this evening. Rollercoaster ride. Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

[Wonka]

Peter,

Your wife gave you a great gift:

She said she can't take the pressure from me.

You might want to print that out 100x and take it to Kinko's to make a large-sized banner to hang over your bed as a constant reminder to sloooow down. And back off on the ILYs and any signs of hugging etc.

Capisce?

[Devaste]

Peter,

So many positives, mostly the one where your W said she couldn't stand the sight of you but now enjoys your company.

Wonka is dead on as usual. Keep zero pressure and keep up your other activities. Good luck as usual

Dev

[PeterV2]

Yeah. Capisce. Thanks Wonka. I reread Sandi's rules again last night. I know I need to back off. Detach. I won't turn her down when she wants a hug though. She always hugs and kisses me goodbye when I leave. But I'll let her initiate it as she does often. Thanks for all your support.

[PeterV2]

We got an offer to sell the RH and it looks like it's going to happen. W said she's now at a crossroads in her life. She's not happy with the state of our M and longs for the life she had before she met me, being single and free. She doesn't believe I've changed or that my changes are permanent. She says she wasn't happy in our M for a long time. When the RH sells there'll be a huge chuck of change in the bank. I think she thinks that's her ticket to freedom. We booked a session with our MC.

[PeterV2]

Just got back from our MC session. Things seemed to be going quite well until near the end when she brought up my behaviour that first week of January where I going to on-line dating sites. I related that a couple of the women I was conversing with ended up being total frauds and liars. At that point my W stood up and said she's leaving and that I better get real. Both the MC and myself were drop-jawed. MC eventually figured that because I was justifying my actions then as post-BD craziness and then relating that episode with the lying women that triggered my W to pack it in for the session. I'm still a little confused.
Can anyone shed some light on this?

[MrBond]

Your W is still dealing with the situation. The problem is that what you did was just a consequence of what she started. Yet she doesn't want to take any responsibility. Boo hoo for her. It's just more craziness on her part. No sense trying to make sense of nonsense.