I've dropped the rope....

[Sotto]

Texted H today to say I needed to drop by the house next week to pick up some things for the flat. In any contact now - and contact is minimal - one text a week or so - I'm trying to include an element of me moving forwards. H just replied to say he was glad I had found somewhere and wished me luck in my new place - asked me to send him a photo....

When you are trying to do a 180, and show yourself breezily moving forwards, it's a big effort. But your WS can give the impression they aren't bothered with very little effort at all! How did our marriage become so disposable for him!

[twinmom]

I believe it's in "the solo partner" but it says that after completely stopping your pursuit if your spouse has not started to pursue you within 2 months the relationship is dead.

[Maybell]

The Solo Partner may say that, but I think the experience of a lot of the vets on this board is very different.

It's cr@ppy, Toots, but it's also still new. Good luck.

[Sotto]

Thanks Maybell - that's good to know. Well, DR has arrived in the post for me today. Time to do some reading. No news from H, but have been GAL today.

Busy 'upcycling' furniture for my new rental flat, plus trip to IKEA, and a stint at the charity bookstore. It is good to have a day where my mind has been on other things...

[MrBond]

"Trying to be a bit too perfect (duty bound?) wife, stepmum, employee - rather than just being me
Not truly saying how I feel about things (eg: not always easy to step parent etc.)
Losing touch with my sense of fun - H described me as "buttoned up/corporate." Also, a bit too involved in 'organising' stuff - forgetting to just go with the flow....
Burying my head in sand and not understanding degree of H's unhappiness
Not dressing up/making the most of my assets (H feels I'm very attractive - would like to see me dress more provocatively - feels I am a bit conservative.)"

Much of what you wrote was based off of your H's perspective. Do you agree with any of them?

[Sotto]

I agree with some of them - trying to be 'perfect' - which links with the sense of fun. I do have issues with being accepted by people, and try a bit too hard, rather than thinking people can just take me as I am. And not truly saying how I feel about things - I find it easy to say positive stuff, but less easy to raise concerns - which I think links to a fear of rejection.

So, if there were two things I would really like to change, they would be these above.

I also accept our love life had lost some spark - but I struggle more with the "buttoned up & corporate" - that's not how I would see myself.

I also accept that I didn't understand how unhappy H was. Partly perhaps because I was happy & didn't want things to change. But H has also acknowledged that he didn't articulate things well - described himself as putting out "weak signals."

I also wasn't happy with the "dressing provocatively." I said to H I didn't mind this now & then, but in general I like what I wear and am happy with the way I look. We had to disagree on this one.

[MrBond]

"I agree with some of them - trying to be 'perfect' - which links with the sense of fun. I do have issues with being accepted by people, and try a bit too hard, rather than thinking people can just take me as I am. And not truly saying how I feel about things - I find it easy to say positive stuff, but less easy to raise concerns - which I think links to a fear of rejection."

So what are you doing about this?

"I also accept our love life had lost some spark -"

Spark doesn't get "lost". It gets neglected by choice because you choose to let other things be important than your love life. Do you initiate sex or date nights, etc? Did you do anything to encourage romance?

"but I struggle more with the "buttoned up & corporate" - that's not how I would see myself."

It doesn't matter how you see yourself. It's how your H and maybe others see you. Just because you don't agree because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's wrong.

"I also accept that I didn't understand how unhappy H was. Partly perhaps because I was happy & didn't want things to change."

That's a problem right there. Did he ask for certain things to be changed but was shot down or "politely" debated out of? That's just plain putting your needs ahead of someone elses.

"But H has also acknowledged that he didn't articulate things well - described himself as putting out "weak signals."

Have you ever thought of actually improving your listening skills rather than relying on him to send out stronger signals? Maybe he did but you didn't see them or just dismissed them blindly.

"I also wasn't happy with the "dressing provocatively." I said to H I didn't mind this now & then, but in general I like what I wear and am happy with the way I look."

And so did you EVER dress provocatively for him WITHOUT him having to ask you to?

[Sotto]

Thanks Mr Bond - food for thought.

I am seeing a counsellor, and we have been looking at the first area. I have been practicing giving feedback/raising concerns. I know I need to do more work on the being perfect/sense of fun. What am I going to do, you'll ask? I'll think about that some more - but I guess it is just about being more relaxed around people. Not worrying that I will be judged. Showing my imperfectness and taking more risks. Looking for the humour in situations.

In respect of love life - fair point. H and I have talked about this and he knows I am willing to work on this. I guess there hasn't been a practical opportunity since we have S and the A continues. But I know it is really important going forwards if we do get back together.

Buttoned up? Well, I have changed jobs now - to a much less 'corporate' one. Also started volunteering and very much a jeans and T shirt role - so I guess that one is changing...

With the understanding and listening. I have done a lot more of this lately with H - until I started LRT anyway. And he has said how heard and appreciated he has felt. What can I do going forwards? I guess it is really around, stop what you are doing, really listen, probe, be completely available, ask questions etc. I know I jump in with solutions too fast. My mentality is often just - how can we sort this out? - and this has been to the detriment of truly understanding at times.

In terms of the provocativeness, again H & I have talked about this. He knows I'm not naturally a provocative dresser - but I have said from time to time I'm happy to dress up more. There have been things he has bought for me that I haven't worn. He hasn't mentioned them, but I guess that may have hurt too. That said, I have dressed provocatively recently without being asked - since he said at new year he felt some of our spark had been lost.

But, it may have been too little too late as "Pandora's box" had been opened with the OW.

[MrBond]

"but I guess it is just about being more relaxed around people. Not worrying that I will be judged. Showing my imperfectness and taking more risks. Looking for the humour in situations."

Too vague. Be specific as to what actions you are going to be doing. For example, I'm going to take risks like go skydiving for the first time. Things like that. A 'To Do' list would help.

"In respect of love life - fair point. H and I have talked about this and he knows I am willing to work on this."

But was it brought up before the A and you dismissed it?

"I guess there hasn't been a practical opportunity since we have S and the A continues. But I know it is really important going forwards if we do get back together."

You can still LEARN how to be seductive and sexy even though he's not there. There's nothing stopping you from doing that.

"Buttoned up? Well, I have changed jobs now - to a much less 'corporate' one. Also started volunteering and very much a jeans and T shirt role - so I guess that one is changing..."

I don't think he meant that literally. I think he was referring to your attitude. It's a nice way of saying "stuck up" or too rigid. This goes back to your first point of thinking that you're not perfect. Which in turn is a control issue. You don't know how to just let loose.

"With the understanding and listening. I have done a lot more of this lately with H - until I started LRT anyway."

Why would this stop you from learning how to be a better listener and be more sympathetic. Again, you don't need your H to do this. Try it in your every day interactions. It will help with the other points you bring up.

"And he has said how heard and appreciated he has felt. What can I do going forwards? I guess it is really around, stop what you are doing, really listen, probe, be completely available, ask questions etc. I know I jump in with solutions too fast. My mentality is often just - how can we sort this out? - and this has been to the detriment of truly understanding at times."

Yes. People just want to be heard and understood rather than be offered solutions.

"In terms of the provocativeness, again H & I have talked about this. He knows I'm not naturally a provocative dresser - but I have said from time to time I'm happy to dress up more. There have been things he has bought for me that I haven't worn. He hasn't mentioned them, but I guess that may have hurt too."

Yes that probably did. That should have been a BIG hint for you especially if you never initiated. He shouldn't have to ask you. If you knew it was important to him and would make him happy, then you should have done it on your own.

"That said, I have dressed provocatively recently without being asked - since he said at new year he felt some of our spark had been lost."

By then it was too late.

"But, it may have been too little too late as "Pandora's box" had been opened with the OW."

But it shouldn't stop you from continuing the changes. YOU have been with him for 11 years. Use that to your advantage. You know what else he likes.

[Sotto]

Thanks for your insight Mr Bond - lots for me to think about there. I have been setting goals for myself, but realise they relate more to 'coping' with the situation and also to GAL partly. What I haven't really done is thought about what kind of person I really want to be going forwards & what I can do about that now.

I'm going to have a really good think about that over next couple of days, and will post some goals for myself. They seem like such big areas, and I feel a bit overwhelmed - but I read about baby steps on the forum & I'll think in terms of what those could be.

Thanks for your help!