Doing the limbo thing (thread 7)

[shodan]

Things had been going well until last week. Now my W seems more distant. Not as into "us". I probably just need to back off but this is hard.

[twinmom]

Talk to her about it. Be open and tell her you are getting a "distant" vibe from her. Piecing isn't the same advice as db'ing......

Train?! Can you help out here if your reading?

[shodan]

I did. She said she was feeling a lot of pressure from me. I must have been coming on too strong. She said she feels like she does not have a moment to herself and is feeling suffocated. Clearly I went too fast.

My plan is to back off.

[Starsky309]

Talk to her about it. Be open and tell her you are getting a "distant" vibe from her. Piecing isn't the same advice as db'ing......

Train?! Can you help out here if your reading?

I echo this, Sho. Piecing is HARD, and requires a TON of communication. Try non-accusatory language. "When you do _____, it makes me feel ______" kind of stuff.

And TALK TO US, bro. We really do care about you, and are rooting for you two to make it!!

Starsky

[nit84]

Sho, Sorry that your Sitch "cooled" down a bit.

It will turn around I hope and like Starsky and Twinmom said Communication is the key. Keep that part going and hopefully things will "heat" up again.


Hang in there and I also am rooting for you two. The more good stories the better it makes me feel about my own S.

[shodan]

Thank you. I think I am being too accusatory in my tone. I have been asking her for more than she seems to want to give right now. I want everything to be great all of the time and I know that is never the case. I also have been reading in to what she says and does, which has caused me to ask her what is going on. My W is someone who wants alone time. But given what happened, my mind starts racing when this happens.

So my advice to myself is to calm down and back off a bit. My actions and words are putting pressure on her, which is causing her to back off a bit.

[nit84]

It is great that you see this and are able to follow your own advice.

Sometimes I have a problem with following my own advice. I know it is probably the right thing to do but is so very tough at some points

[Starsky309]

This is one of the main reasons I'm such a nazi about transparency. Because without it, a betrayed spouse's mind will inevitably wander to the worst possible place.

Data builds confidence and trust.


Starsky

[JCred]

Your best time to negotiate in any deal is BEFORE the sale is complete.

In other words.. when she wanted to work things out was probably going to be your best shot at getting true transparency because you had some leverage.

It looks like this..

W. I have decided I made a big mistake and love you and want to do anything to make this work..

YOU. Well, I too would like to make this work, but I have some conditions that are not negotiable before I am willing to try..
1. No contact ever
2. No contact letter that I approve
3. Willingness to answer any and all questions I have honestly. Complete and total honesty no matter how much it hurts.
4 Access to all passwords, etc....
5. Marriage counseling...
6. etc. etc....

She then gets to disagree or not.. You have left her with a decision to make when she wants it the most..(new car smell)

(See.. no pressure.. take it or leave it in that example)(Her free choice to make)

Now that you are already piecing you have lost that leverage.
That's like trying to take a new car back to the dealer you have driven for a month and wanting to negotiate a better price with some upgrades too...

Now it will all be seen as pressure, where as in the beginning it would look like strength... (See the difference?)

Your best options now are to just tell her that you would PREFER transparency, but you aren't going to pressure her or ask her anymore..... It's too late to negotiate or pressure or ask over and over because now it's pressure and coming across as weakness and low self esteem and pursuit(which you are discovering). You may as well just realize that you can also have a great reconciliation without it. Many, many others have. It isn't impossible.... So you have that option too.. Just let it go and move forward....

OR OPTION 2
Back off to the point that you tell her that you have done some thinking and this just isn't going to work for you because you have now realized that you want total transparency and she isn't willing or able to give it and since she can't that maybe it would be best to divorce..

Now THAT will take the pressure off and if she really wants to reconcile, put you back in a negotiation state...

[shodan]

I agree and since my W will not agree to full transparency, I find myself slipping back into DBing. I reviewed some of the advice from my DB coach from a month ago and it seems to apply still in my situation, which is frustrating.