Going Down Hill 2

[zed]

Old post http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...574#Post2506574
Last one was about me getting in to the BD swing of things. Going through the pain of a possible unwanted separation. Trying my best to detach while living with W. Went through a couple bad days. Bring me up to the first day of moderation. Dividing assets. Parenting plan. Trying to find out who leaves the house. Neither of us want to leave and have our reasons

[zed]

So first day of moderation. Can't say it went really good. Very emotional draining. Tried my best to be strong but broke down a couple times while talking about kids.

Goal going into moderation was to get 50/50 parenting time with kids. I knew this was going to be tough as wife was dead set the other way. I felt I was strong. But I did crater a bit. Ended up with a 9-5 schedule. On W's 9 days I have 2 days where I can have kids for up to 5 hours. On 5 days W has 1 day where she can take kids for up to 5 hours. I made it clear that this was only trial basis and within a couple months I expect to get 50/50.
House- Could not get decided. We have to go through all assets to see if either one can actually afford to keep the house. W wanted separate time together so we both caved a bit. Decided to buy another house together and would each stay in it. Kids would always stay in marital home. Parents would move from house to house. This would only be temporary until we have decided who gets the marital home. We have another mediation meeting in 2 weeks. We will be starting get all the financial stuff out of the way.

[zed]

I did break the rules and gave it one last try before mediation though. I emailed wife:
Me: I just wanted to make sure that you did want to go through with this and that you believe there is no way that we can work this out. I think you know that I do not want this. I want to work on this together and get back what we had in the beginning and hopefully much more than that. I realize that I have made mistakes and that I am not perfect but who is.

W: Yes unfortunately I am sure. Some of the things you have said (as well as things that I know for a fact you are going to say in this process) make me confident you still aren't taking ownership for your portion of what went wrong in our marriage. Sometimes things have permanent consequences and I wish it wasn't the case but it just is.

Me:I guess the problem im having is that i feel that i do know that i hurt you and am try to correct that. But obviously i do not.
Some of the ways that i feel i have hurt you are
Never made you feel loved
Never made you feel beautiful
I made you feel like you had to impress me
I made you feel like you could not be yourself when i was around
I never gave you credit for the stuff you did for the family
Never made you feel safe.
If there is anything more please let me know so i can hopefully come to terms with it and get closure

Never did get a reply to this email.

So A little bit of begging going on. But for the most part tried my best to be loving and forward. I promise no more begging from here on in. I think I set myself up for a good 180 in that if I do not beg or talk about the R anymore and act like I'm moving on with my life(I know I am supposed to try instead of act) but right now I not sure if I can do it. It would be a fairly good 180 on my part. I just suck b/c I am still confused about what I did that was so bad and she does not seem to want to tell me. She says she has no plans on being with anyone else in the near future and just needs time for herself.

[zed]

So I got a reply from my wife this morning about the email above.
"I think closure is going to come from within. Not from what anyone else tells you. Part of the problem at this point is that I feel you're being manipulative and motivated by things that I don't believe are right. Let's just agree to disagree and realize that at this point we just need to move forward with the kids' best interests as the focus."
She never did trust me and always felt I did not have the best interest'sat heart. But she is this way with everyone. Anytime someone says something she picks out 1 work or phase and she gives it a different/negative meaning. Even when I would clean out dishwasher or something for her when I would get home from work while she was relaxing watching TV she would be mad b/c she would think I was doing it to make her look bad. Even though I would say I never minded doing it and just wanted to help with household chores. My love language was acts of service so I thought that was what I would have wanted.

[zed]

So I have held off on replying the last email. I really am angry and I am sick of trying to do nice things and getting them turned around on me by saying I am doing them for other reasons.
There is multiple ways I could reply.
1.No problem I expect this of you. You never believed that anything I did was in the best interests of the family so I don't expect that now.
2. There is so much love in my heart for the kids and you. I feel sorry that you can't see that and hope that 1 day you can.
3. What do you believe is my motivation. Please be honest so that I really know how you feel.
4. My motivation is our kids and the look of disappointment we will see when we tell them mommy and daddy are no longer together.

#1 is what I really want to say right now. #2 is what I think I should really say. #3 is something I really want to know. I am so confused by her thinking right now I just want to get into her head and try to understand what she is thinking. #4 maybe is a little self righteous but that is my main goal. I love my kids so much I don't want to see them hurt.

[zed]

This is really getting to me. And I am starting to get some fight in me. I feel like I try to do nice things and I keep getting walked all over b/c of it.
In fact I agreed to help pay for new boobs for W around 4 months ago. The kids did reek havoc with them and she was really flat. I thought it was nice of me and maybe would help if I agreed to it but always had reservations. She had the surgery 2 weeks ago. I took 1 week off work to help look after kids while she recovered. After 1 day she told me I was spending to much time with the kids and hogging them. She said that she wanted to spend time with them since she was gone for a day and 1/2 getting the surgery. I told her I took time off of work to help you and now you are mad b/c you say you feel better and don't want me around. She said yeah. Maybe you should go back to work. I really feel like a sucker lately.

[zed]

I have so much anger building inside me. Why do I always give in. I have a consultation with my DB coach this afternoon. Hopefully she can help me.

[Mozza]

What you should say is nothing. What you should do is everything.

W: Yes unfortunately I am sure. Some of the things you have said (as well as things that I know for a fact you are going to say in this process) make me confident you still aren't taking ownership for your portion of what went wrong in our marriage.

This is fantastic! She's giving you an opportunity to surprise her! She also seems to have a point: you rely on her to tell you what went wrong in your M, so you keep asking, showing her that you really are clueless. Very few people arrive here with a list from their WAS. They work through the issues with the help of the newbies and the vets. Make this list by yourself. Stop asking her: it's not working. Do more of what works.

Me:I guess the problem im having is that i feel that i do know that i hurt you and am try to correct that. But obviously i do not.
Some of the ways that i feel i have hurt you are
Never made you feel loved
Never made you feel beautiful
I made you feel like you had to impress me
I made you feel like you could not be yourself when i was around
I never gave you credit for the stuff you did for the family
Never made you feel safe.
If there is anything more please let me know so i can hopefully come to terms with it and get closure

What kind of response did you expect from her? An epiphany? "You finally understood! Let's call this thing off!"

So A little bit of begging going on.

A little bit? ;-)

But for the most part tried my best to be loving and forward.

How's that working for you?

I promise no more begging from here on in.

We'll quote you on that. Do it for you, for your M.

I think I set myself up for a good 180 in that if I do not beg or talk about the R anymore and act like I'm moving on with my life(I know I am supposed to try instead of act) but right now I not sure if I can do it. It would be a fairly good 180 on my part.

Yes, you're right, in that sense you're in a good place. You can really surprise her. You also need an attitude adjustment so that you mean it when you do it. This D is going forward, even faster as you try to stop it. One day, you'll be fine, that's for sure. You need to know that, then you need to show her that.

I just suck b/c I am still confused about what I did that was so bad and she does not seem to want to tell me.

Get your head out of the sand and admit to what you've done wrong. Explore, share and see how people around here react. You have obviously doing something wrong and saying you don't know what it is doesn't erase it.

She says she has no plans on being with anyone else in the near future and just needs time for herself.

My W was adamant about this too. "I want to be by myself. I don't want to be in a couple." Yet she had an OM in the wings - probably an EA at that time, became a PA a few weeks later and told me officially 7-8 weeks after leaving. My take is that people so intent on leaving often have something new to look forward to. We don't know. How would it change your behavior knowing she has an EA or PA?

By the way, you're going through things that I just couldn't bear. My W doesn't even talk of divorce and we've had no asset separations. My heart goes to you.

[zed]

I just suck b/c I am still confused about what I did that was so bad and she does not seem to want to tell me.

Get your head out of the sand and admit to what you've done wrong. Explore, share and see how people around here react. You have obviously doing something wrong and saying you don't know what it is doesn't erase it.[quote]

Thanks Mozza. I am trying my best to read up on everything and everyone. Trying to get a game plan moving forward. But sometimes it seems like everyone has different opinions. I am not thinking clearly as it is so when I get these different opinions my mind is really wondering the full range of the spectrum. I feel sometimes it is best for me to pull back. I want someone just to say THIS IS WHAT TO DO. But I know that is not possible. I have to try to search for the answer myself.

[zed]

Talked with DB coach. She gave me some pointers on how to detach and move ahead with my life. It will be tough. Not really confident on what I have to do. But I am going to give it my best shot.