Going Down Hill 2

[zed]

Well another day of mediation down. W is getting really frustrated b/c I do not want to move out. Sometimes I think it might be just better if I did. Space would probably be the best for both of us. I'm so conflicted on what to do. If I moved would I be showing kids that I gave up on them. She is the one who wants separate residence's so why should I be the 1 to move. Sounds like it will be a couple more months living together before we can get all the finaces figured out to see if/who can afford to have the house. She says I am not being fair and that I should be the one to leave the house.

[zed]

So Middle of last night after our mediation I got this email from my W. (we sleep in separate bedrooms)
I am starting to see a pattern and wondering if you can see it too...

1. a big part of the reason our Marriage falls apart is because you have a one track mind and won't listen to anything I tell you trying to get you to see the light in the situation

2. Marriage therapist tells us not to come back because you are set in your way of thinking and not willing to cooperate

3. Mediator is getting so fed up with trying to help us because basically everything she suggests about parenting plan you shut down bc you are being so difficult (when she asks you about work and hours you're just like,"I don't know, I can't have a schedule..." "I don't know - could be bad roads, etc."

Have you ever taken a step back to look at how narrow minded you can be? Seems to me the pattern is that you decide on one thing/way of thinking and won't consider anything else. I was also wondering how this way of thinking is working so far for you? I DEFINITELY know that I am not perfect either but I just am coming to some realizations based on recent events that maybe your typical approach to situations hasn't had the most positive outcomes... I know for a fact the more resistance there is in this situation the uglier it is going to get. And what I am referring to is the fact that you refuse to move out of this house - even temporarily - and are dead set on 50/50 with the kids without even hardly considering anything else.

I'm sure this is going to piss you off but at this point I really don't care. This could be resolved in a conflict free way but we are definitely heading down a different road and the sad part is that it's going to be the kids who suffer the most.

This is what I replied to her
I dont think that this piss' s me off. I know this of myself to an extent. I know at times i can have tunnel vision and that is one of the reasons our marriage failed.
But i dont know if you realize how many options i have thought of regarding this whole seperation thing. Every day i try to think of how you are feeling, what are the best options with the kids, and what i can possibly live with for the rest of my life. I have been very conflicted about this for a long time. There have been so many times i have thought to myself if i really am doing what is good, fair, and best for all parties. So it may seem like i am being stubborn or pig headed. But i do try really hard to put lots of thought into everything.
I know i am very far from perfect. But i am trying the very best i know how.
I am very open to discussing any options together with or without the mediator. I know sometimes it takes me a couple of days to reflect and come up with a different ideas.

[zed]

W if angry. just got this tm. This has probably been the worst 24 hours of my life and I am so close to tossing your clothes out onto the front lawn.
Please some one help.

[zed]

Okay I replied with this. I understand things are not good and this situation is not the greatest.
Then I get these angry tm back

-Are you a fkn robot

-I am so pissed that you're just dragging this out. Havent we been miserable long enough

- You have no idea how close I am to filing a court order.

Right now I do not think I should reply with anthing

[zed]

This has hit me hard. I was having a bad day of detaching already now this just plain fkn hurts.

[zed]

So after that spew from the W I haven't heard anything more. I think tomorrow I will send a TM as follows: If you want to discuss any possible solutions to our situation in a calm matter I will do so.

[HPoirot]

My opinion... Don't send the a follow-up text message. Leave it to her to start with you. If she starts badly, tell her to talk later then.

[gan]

Sorry Zed. That sounds really tough to endure. I'm not up to speed on your thread but I agree with HP - don't send the text unless she picks things up in a similar vein. If you do send a text - maybe try something a little lighter like "Happy to hear your ideas about possible solutions at another time when we can chat more calmly."

[zed]

Thanks Hpoirot and ganb8te. Any helps or suggestions help me so much. As I feel so lost right now.

I still love my W so much and want to get back together. I want my happy family back. I know I am a big part of why our marriage failed an why she does not love me anymore. I dismissed her for the last year when she said our marriage was in trouble. I just "chalked it up" to her having a "bad day". As she seemed happy after a couple days. And even approx. 1 month before BD she told me how happy she was with our family.

But if we do not get back together. I will carry this guilt for the rest of my life. The guilt of failing my kids, the person I love and myself. Its hard not to think that I am failing again. As I don't know what is right. I feel that I am trying the best that I can. I would love to give her the house and all the time with the kids that she wants. But if it really is over will I regret giving in to what I feel is right in 5 years, 10 years, more. As I mentioned before. I just feel so lost and want someone to tell me what is the right thing to do. At the same time I don't think anyone will be able to tell me the right thing.....

[zed]

More spew from the W. This must be the it get harder before it gets better. This is about how I don't want to leave the house and I believe she should as she is the one who wants to end this
Email I got today below.

The crazy part to me is that you actually think you are being reasonable. I don't really care how many therapists you see and what they are telling you... I have NO doubt in my mind you are not telling them the truth of the situation. And IF you are - I think you are delusional and are not seeing the situation for what it is. This situation is NOT GOOD FOR THE KIDS. You say you are more than willing to work with ideas with or without the mediator but you ARE NOT. This is what makes me feel you are totally delusional!!! Basically anything brought up in mediation (or out of mediation) you argue with and disagree with - unless it's YOUR idea. If you say you know you are pig headed and narrow minded, and recognize it hasn't produced good results for you, then why are you still being pig headed and narrow minded?!?! And why do you need to ask a therapist if you are being that way? Can you not recognize it for yourself? Or are you just using them to twist things around so that they confirm your behavior and choices are acceptable? My point is that you need to look at your idea of the "best you know how" and realize that maybe what you think isn't always right... The proof is in the results. Even looking back at our first mediation... She was trying to come up with a plan for us to have SPACE so that we could possibly save our marriage and you just dismissed it and would not cooperate once we got home because you had another idea in your mind - what "you thought was right" I'm sure. If you would have just listened I believe we would right now be on WAY better terms. Now that you have resisted any changes and decided to be 100% stubborn there is NO CHANCE LEFT that I would ever want to be in a marriage with you. Everything is YOUR way and I am done with it. You cannot be reasoned with - even though in your head, you think you're being reasonable? Thanks to the events of the past 4 months I AM DONE. Now all we have left is a parenting relationship that is also failing very rapidly. I cannot believe we are under the same roof at this point. I feel so sorry for the kids. When a two year old starts telling her mommy,"Don't worry Momma, don't worry" there is something wrong!!!! They see and feel the unhappiness in this house but yet you seem to still think us all staying in here and torturing ourselves is "the right thing to do". The kids need happy parents and a stress free environment. Period.

I don't know what to do anymore.