Going Down Hill 2

[fade]

If your wife has a lawyer, you need one too. Its just not an option not to. And dont ever, ever meet with her lawyer without your own.

Lots of men fall into the mental trap you are driving straight into: "if I give her what she wants, placate her, do anything I can to help her she will appreciate it and want to stay married, or she will not be angry and will want to stay married". Then you walk into mediation and hand over your kids and your future earnings to her and her future husbands/boyfriends with a smile on your face.

This might make some sense to you in your view, but her view is that she is getting a divorce no matter what, and the easier you make it for her, the better that decision will seem.

The reality is she is driving this decision, she is way ahead of you, and you are going to lose the house and kids and end up paying her half your paycheck. She will sure be happy then! Giving her 9:5 custody now guarantees she will have at least this much, probably more. You have set a precedent of giving up primary custody of your kids, men cant afford to make such a huge mistake as this. You have to remember that anything you give up, that and more is gone forever.

I really think you need to not do any more mediation, because you are going to make concessions that you will regret the rest of your life. Right now she just wants you gone more than anything else. You cannot control whether you two are together or not, so right now you need to frame your thinking that separation is inevitable. But you can control what she has to give up, and what you can protect so she can have her space. Staying emotionally strong, financially secure, and with equal rights to your children are the only goals that are within your control from this point on.

[Wonka]

Zed,

Remember to believe none of what they say and half of what they do?? Exactly.

With DB you are supposed to GAL, have a PMA and work your hardest to seem happy around your WAS. To show them what they are missing. The problem I have with this is then she might think she was right. That I am happier being apart then if we were together.

This is mindreading at its finest...^^. Don't go there. You do GAL because you enjoy those activities, not as a tactic. One's happiness and contentment radiates outward and WAS is bound to get curious. This is where patience comes in play. Your W is like the shifty squirrel who isn't sure whether to trust you or not. They're eyeballing you to see if your changes are indeed for real not some showman's trick.

Yeah...'fake it until you make it' is so true. Keep going, Zed. You're headed in the right direction.

[zed]

Thax Jim and Wonka. Sometimes you feel lost and not on the right path

[zed]

I picked a couple of these from a post from Silent Man today
- Be there for her no matter what
- The more she dislikes you, the easier her decision to leave is
- Do not fuel her fire

He in lies the problem. W is the one who wants to end this. But she wants the house and wants to have the kids most of the time telling me to leave. Don't get me wrong I want the house as well and I want to have the kids 50/50.
Any time we try to discuss this it seems like she freaks out and says that I am not being fair and being stubborn. I don't know but I feel that I am trying to be fair. Ever since I brought up that I am not leaving the house things have detoriated badly. She now says she hates me and there is not chance we are getting back together. We used to talk a bit, now nothing except a couple emails about when it is my turn to have kids and what to get them for Christmas.

So her in lies the problem. We aren't supposed to upset them anymore but at the same time we aren't supposed to give them everything they want. B/c you may regret it in the future and it makes you look weak. So how do we manage this balance? Not fueling her fire, but still not looking weak and looking out for your best interest's if we don't get back together?


On another note:

I really liked this quote from Silent Man. I might steal it and use it as my new motto

- A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits.

My IC noted something of me that after only 1 session. She said you are a committed guy. I all aspects of life. Which is true. If I start something. I am going to finish it no matter how hard it is so much so that I get tunnel vision and the end goal is all that is see. (One of the reason's I got in this mess) Wish I would have had my relationship as my goal the whole time. Instead of work/early retirement.

[zed]

So morning started out with an email from W replying about a question I had about the company I own and how we should figure out value. I suggested an option that we would not have to spend money on an accountant. I replied after about a hour. All business no pushing.

She then tried to get me to tell her how I thought everything should be split up. I said I don't know yet as we discussed in mediation I had to get a whole bunch of stuff together for a farm that my dad and I own. But we can sit down and talk about it if you want and try to get a better idea.

She asked me another question about finaces and said we could never sit down and talk about it before so how can we now. (Every time we talked before I was calm and business like. She would start to flip out)

I replied with. I know its not going to be easy talking about it but it will probably have to get done one way or another. So whatever you feel comfortable with.

Then comes the spew.
"maybe you should focus on what you have now. I highly doubt you had much before hand" (I worked my ass of for 10 years with a fairly high paying job prior to getting married. I had lots.)

"And to be totally honest with you... I have my suspicions you are going to start manipulating assets there" (Talking about my farm with my dad)

"Right now we need to know who stays in the house. .. a few thousand dollars here and there is not going to be the deciding factor in that. Our next mediator appointment will he who knows when.... we need to get one of us out of the house NOW."

I want to tell her "leave then" But I think it is just best that I don't respond at all.
Thoughts?

[Wonka]

I wouldn't respond to W's rants, Zed.

Do you have your own L representing your interests? I think your W is clueless about this whole process. We always tell LBS here to get their own L as a way to protect their finances and assets. That is what a separation does...it is just a business transaction at this point.

Does not necessarily mean that a D is the next step.

[zed]

I have had a consult with a L. And I have made an appointment to ask L a couple more questions. Reading HP's thread. Sandy has stated that you should look after you finances and maybe protect yourself in the form of cutting credit cards etc. Last mediation I mentioned this that I am have heard horror stories and that we should do something to protect ourselves from each other. I mentioned each taking a set amount of money out of our joint account and that is all we should use until we have stuff figured out. She came unglued at this. Should this really be something that I push? All the credit cards except for 1 are in my name.

[Wonka]

Zed,

We encourage all LBS to protect themselves financially because you really cannot trust the WAS not to take out money when they do it all the time under the cover of darkness.

As for credit cards, you do know that closing out credit cards will affect your scores. Take a hard look at them and determine if that's the best path forward for you. If you do see suspicious activity on any of those cards, then you know W has been using them and you would want to close them out.

If those cards are in your name, I would talk with each credit card rep and inform them to remove W name as an authorized user. This means only you can use the card and you can ask the credit card rep to put down that only you will be allowed to use those cards.

That one joint card is something that you can try to get your name removed. If not successful, then just close it.

Do your homework before closing out any of these cards. If I were you, I'd keep the cards in your name and just ask the reps to remove W's name as an authorized user.

This way, you get to keep your cards and your credit score will not take a hit.

[zed]

Well so much for the PMA. I have been away working for last 9 days. Finally got home and I have the kids for the next 4 days. I was feeling really good excited to see and play with the kids.

Stepped in the house. W said I want to talk about something. I said okay. She wanted to talk about how to split up assets. She showed me a spreadsheet with our assets and how to divide them. I told her we could do this another time. She keep insisting. So I finally broke down and looked at it. She had so much stuff out of wack and estimated wrong so that she looks like fairly splitting assets were way off. I tried to stay calm but I started to show my anger. She left angry and it ruined me as I have been telling her that we should just talk about stuff instead of spending money with lawyers. And she has been saying that we can't talk about it.

So I ruined my chance to be calm and cool. Now that is all I can think about. I took my 3 D to see santa tonight and was hoping it would be fun but now all I can think about is how I screw'd up. I have to try not to let this wreck the rest of my days with the girls.

[Ggrass]

Don't worry. I had to leave to room to cry and vomit durring the first mediation.

H left to pee and could not be bothered to zip his fly. Just shows how wacky this whole thing is. If she starts have a discussion, plan to leave or duck for cover. Have set times or just use set mediation sessions in which to discuss it don't let her manipulate or blind side you.

I have the farm tenant turn up here often out of the blue, so my words always told him I'm out often socialising in the evenings. Attending things. light breezey, so when they started turning up regular like Fridays I had friends on stand by whom I knew I could ring and get dressed up for coffee and off out. Hi bye can't stop, don't know when I'll be back. I have somewhere far more pressing to be, attitude.

Made sure they would be gone when I came home, come home mostly after 11. Make sure words and actions show.

It's not all game over, think marathon not a sprint.
Tomorrow is another day, in which to move along in a more positive direction.