What to do

[jb1515]

Not sure were to start. Wife and I had about 4 fights that went a little to far. We have been married 1 year and 3 months and been together 3 years. there was bad words said and bad actions by both of us. I told her that day it would never happen again. Last fight being last jan. Wife left July 21. I did everything wrong that I could during that time. Begged, pleaded any and everything. Somehow we started talking again in September. She decided to come home but she left again after 3 weeks. Since then she has filed for divorce. Told me she found her happiness. She has told me she is not in love anymore. Not attracted anymore. That she wants me to go date and find someone else. I have done nc for a week then I screw up and beg, plead. I have admitted I was wrong. Was going to ic. I have read multiple books. Just not sure what to do anymore.

[sandi2]

Hi, welcome to the community. If you have not read Divorce Remedy, please do it ASAP. The principles of Divorce Busting are explained and you will better understand what is said here.

In the meantime, post several times to get off moderation. Give details and ask questions and you will get responses.

Here are some tips that may help you get started:


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

[jb1515]

I have read both books. In the process of reading them again. We have a house together that we are trying to sell.. So the only time she contacts me is about the house. Do I need to contact her to just have a friendly chat or just leave her alone?

When she came back home in September, we were getting along great. Except she was texting several diff guys and I got jealous and said something. I later apologized after I realized they were just friends. Then a week later I looked on her phone bill and she had been talking to another guy, so I asked her about it. She admitted that they were talking and he had asked her out. I was very upset that she would not quit talking to him.. She is no longer talking to him now. But we have been separated again for a month. She has filed for divorce and has said that there is nothing I can do to stop it. She told me she found her happiness. That I needed to do the same and start dating someone.

[Cristy]

Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. There is much that can still be done! Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[jb1515]

Wife was at gym tonight with om. I am completely devastated!! She told me that he made her so happy and treated her so good! Wth do I say to that..

[jb1515]

Last night I did not sleep at all... I feel numb this morning.. Not sure what to do.

[HPoirot]

Hey jb1515. I'm sorry you're here with us. I'm also struggling in an awful marriage crisis. I can only say you have to get a hold of yourself... take care of yourself. If you fall apart you will push your W further away. She will want to run from you even faster if you keep approaching her as you sound miserable. She wants happiness now... not your misery.

Find a way to sleep. Read about GAL and then do it this week. I find volunteering helps. Find a way to volunteer on Thanksgiving and then just do it for yourself. Introduce yourself to new people. Have new conversations. Make new friends. Don't do any of this to show your wife. Do it for yourself to build your happiness and your self-esteem.. You must convince yourself you can be happy without your W. Then find I way to be happy everyday. Then, after you do this for a while, your W may notice and start asking you about it. Just say thanks and keep going. Act as if you are moving on from her without anger... just kindness and happiness. Right now she does not care about your best interests. You can't make her care. Just read the books and work on your own happiness.

As for mornings... I take ice cold showers. The discipline of staying calm and breathing for at least 60 seconds under ice cold water gives me the discipline to stay calm and centered when my W is trying to tear me to pieces. If your W feels great pity for you because of the pain she's causing you, this is the kiss of death to any attaction she could feel for you. She does not want to take care of anyone but herself right now. You have to be strong enough to take care of her for her to start looking your way.

This will be long and hard on you. You can do it. Keep posting about what you are doing to change yourself for the better. Pick something to do today... post it here... and then do it. Just one thing. Vets on here can then help you. You have to show you are working hard to help yourself to get the best help here.

You can do it.

[sandi2]

Hi JB, how did you make it through Thanksgiving? You asked about calling her to chat. I think you need to keep it just business at this time.

Hope to hear from you soon.

[jb1515]

I actually went out of town for Thanksgiving. She text me and told me happy thanksgiving so I said it back. I got back to town yesterday, and she started in on me about the house. We are in the process of trying to sell. I'm still living there. She started attacking me about the house not being spotless. They house has never been spotless when she was there or since I been there. She said some very rude things to me. Also her and the om have made it facebook official. I'M not friends with her on fb but I was with him. We were friends.. Not anymore. Her step mother came over yesterday and vented to me because there not very happy with her. Not happy with the divorce, with the way she is acting and having a bf. Were not even divorced yet.

Wife told me yesterday that she could never be happy with me again. Even though I do a lot of things that make her happy. She says she remembers them things.

[jb1515]

she called me yesterday to let me know she got into school program. Told her I was happy for her. Asked her some questions about school. Then I ended the conversation. She had a final this morning, I really wanted to text her and tell her good luck. But I did not. It's been 30 days since she has filed for divorce.

[RAI]

JB,

I sympathize with your situation. My W is eager to press on with mediation and divorce and all I can do is comply with her wishes. Anything else I try would be deemed controlling. A WAS acts in a self-centered manner. They are only listening to themselves or those who tell them what they want to hear. That is why no amount of begging, pleading, or reasoning helps. My Ws OM is a very unsavory character, yet she wants to be with him. What I now realize is that my W has transformed into a completely different person. She is not thinking in a logical fashion.

Your W is not going to be receptive to anything you say or do at this point. that is why you, and I, need to focus on ourselves. The more you focus on what your W is doing, the more aggravated, frustrated, and angry you will feel. It will not help your sleeping at all and will be wasted time. You know what your W is doing. Now move on:

re-read Sandi's rules. Make sure you are adhering to them as best as you can. Accept that you are going to make mistakes. Be thankful you found the books and website as soon as you did. Regardless of the outcome it will spare you a lot of grief down the line.

On another note, is there a timeline on the divorce? Do you have an attorney? I strongly suggest you talk to an attorney. You may be avoiding this because you are in denial and the reality of the situation is only setting in. BUT YOU MUST KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. Remember, your W has been planning this for a while and has had ample time to accept and learn about divorce. I know it is difficult to even function right now, but you have to take better care of yourself right now than you ever have.

I wish I could alleviate your pain. It is something that we are all going through. But, if you play your cards right, there will be better days. I am so sorry for your predicament.

RAI

[jb1515]

Rai

Thank you for the comments and support. I completely agree with the self centered manner. She acts in a way I have never seen before. Her family has noticed it also. The Ws om is a very unsavory character also. I still don't see the connection she has with him. But that seems to be what she wants. How long do they stay in this fog?

I do have a lawyer, had one since the day she left. I'm not sure on the timeline. I let the lawyer handle it.

I go to the gym daily after work. So that helps relieve stress. She keeps telling me to date people. What do I do about that?

[Mozza]

Hi jb1515 - I have good and bad news: your wife is in love. That's why she thinks and says that this man will make her happy. As with any early stage love, it will have to come back down. Now, it doesn't mean she'll break up with him for sure, nor that she'll come back to you. But it does explain her current behavior and informs your reactions. When you're in love, would you listen to a former girlfriend trying to plead and reason you back into a relationship with her? No? Then do it. You'll have to step back and let her go through this. By removing yourself, you'll make it impossible for her to blame you for her life. I read around here that affairs generaly last 6 months, but every case is unique. How long can you do this?

By the way, create your signature so that we can know more details about your sitch.

[SunnyB]

jb, let go of trying to figure out the how long. At BD, my first thought was to simply outlast the A, and things would get back to normal. Ha! My H has been with OW for about a year now, although I didn't know it until the end of April. As far as I know, they are still going strong.

Why do you need to do anything at all about your W telling you to date? Only you get to decide whether dating is right for you or not. She doesn't get to decide. If you don't want her to mention it again, just tell her so, politely. If you do that and she brings it up anyway, you'll need to be prepared to end the conversation at that point. Eventually, she'll get the message.

[Mozza]

Of course, I meant "Then don't do it"!

As for the timeline, I'll agree with rppfl: in reality, you'll figure it out as you go, not in advance. But if you want to save your M, expect to last a few very long months, maybe more than a year. I've read around here that reconciliation stories take on average 2 years. I've been three months into mine, three excruciating months, so I repeat it to myself often. It helps. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

[jb1515]

I see your point on the timeline. I just need to take it day by day. During this time just work on myself. I know I will come out this a better person no matter the outcome. I've learned so much in the past few months.

I agree that she is in the early stages of love. That's what she was looking for when she left me. I'm at peace with them being in a relationship. Because I know I have no control over it.It's not something I see lasting but I also know that if it ends. She still might not come back to me.

She has mentioned the dating thing multiple times. I have told her that I'm not ready for that. Maybe someday but not today.

When she contacts me, I need to be short and distant?

[jb1515]

well I have not had a chance to post in a few days. Seems like I'm on a roller coaster ride. Seems like her emotions and actions change from day to day. She is still with the other man. They seem to be in a committed relationship. But she tells me and others that she does not want to be in one. That's very confusing to me.

She came over Wednesday to talk about the house. We are planning on renting it for the time being. The talks went good. The next thing I know she is sitting on the couch. We sit there and talk and watch tv for 3 hours. Then when she left she hugged me and told me she missed these times. I told her I missed us also.

Friday she came over to show the house to the renters. After they left she could tell I was upset. So she comes over to me and starts hugging me. She did that for a good while. We talked about everything. She told me she was scared of us being together because she was afraid that it would go to before. Then she left to go see the om.

Saturday she stopped by to get something from the house. She was with the om. He did not come inside. But I lost my cool. For some reason it really upset me. She told me to calm down and I was over reacting. She told me I needed to be patient because she was between a rock and hard place.

Sunday I text her to apologize for how I acted Saturday. We text for a little bit then she quit. I text her again later to see if she was ok but she never resounded. She told me again that she did not want to be with anyone. That she had to much stress.

[jb1515]

Spoke with the spouse yesterday about renting the house. Then she broke lose on me. Telling me that me her new man and her parents are causing her to much stress in her life. I'm causing her and the om to fight. That she catches hell from him for talking to me. She said she watered of all the bullcrap. That im not going to win if they break up. I told her I knew that. Because she does not want to be with me. But I can keep hope that she will change her mind.

[jb1515]

Were 5 months into this now. She still has a bf but I have been told that she is starting to pull away. I know she went to a Christmas party and did not take him. Not sure why, I did not ask her.

How much should I be in contact with her? She called me Wednesday and talked on the phone for an hour. We talked about everything, no relationship talk. I ended the conversation. Thursday we text throughout the day. Then continued texting that night. Friday night I text her to let her know that I would come get her if she needed a ride back from the party. I sent the last message at 7 and never got a response. I thought I did good because in the past I would have sent another message, OR MAYBE even asked why she has not sent me anything back.

How much space do I need to give her? Do I wait for her to contact me out can I contact her.

She also told me the that she was not ready to let me go but she could not stop me. That I was a good catch. I told her I would hold out hope she would change her mind. She told me not to hold my breath because she is stupid about stuff.

[labug]

I wouldn't hold my breath.

Sorry, I don't know much more about your sitch than what you have in your sig but with no kids and married for such a short time, I'd wish her well and create a great life for myself.

It's painful but it's also an opportunity to figure you out.