In a nutshell for anyone who doesn't want to read all the dreary details: my STBX is less a WAS and more of a runaway one. After completing a cross country move amost two years ago to be closer to my family, on July 21st he kissed me goodbye to go to work, got in a motorcycle accident, didn't come home for a day, and on July 23rd announced he was having an affair and that he wanted a divorce via note. Although he denied it with a great deal of righteous indignation, he actually immediately moved in with OW (he claims their relationship only began two weeks prior) about an hour away (closer to his work). For the first two months, I vigorously jumped into LRT, GAL and 180s, hired a DB coach and got him to agree to a 6 month cooling off period. Alomg the way he admitted to another affair in our previous state (they were still in contact as of Jan 2014). Then in mid October, he announced he had filed for divorce and 2 days later my 6 year old daughter revealed he was iving with his girlfriend. At that point, I stopped fighting the divorce. I got it through my head that in his mind we have been divorced for a long time and now I'm just helping him sort out the financial and legal details in a way that is most advantageous to my kids and me.
So, why am I still here? Primarily for my own mental health and self improvement. I don't completely discount the idea that someday we might come together as a family again, but I understand that he is on his own journey that I have little to no influence over. In my circle of family and friends there is almost no divorce. My sister divorced shortly after an inadvisable and youthful marriage with no kids or assets involved and that's about it. The statistic about 50% of marriages ending in divorce has never really hit my personal corner of the world, which makes this board so helpful. IRL, my sitch makes me pretty exotic.
I think I'm doing fairly well. I've entered into some GAL activities that are both rewarding and entertaining, got my financial house in order and have a pretty good PMA most days. The rollercoaster has had far fewer dips and hills the last month, maybe that is a temporary thing. I still have some trouble sleeping through the night, but I find if I mentally exhaust myself (via courses for work, studying another language etc) I do much better. I do have an appt for a physical this week just to make sure I haven't developed any physical side effects and duh, I probably need to have a full STD panel.
My kids are doing ok, I think. Although I worry what is going on in the head of D6 -this weekend she referred to her dad's "giiiiiirlllfriiieeend" with all the snotty hateur of a full blown tween. Since I don't discuss OW, I don't think she got that from me. We did have a lovely extended Thanksgiving weekend. We cut down our own Christmas tree, rehearsed for the church pageant, decorated the house and threw ourselves in Christmas cookie baking.
My feelings about STBX are difficult to sort out. I don't hate him, but I have very few positive emotions towards him right now. I'm actually sort of .....repelled by him at the moment. I've had to explain the situation a couple times recently (to a new IC and our pastor) and when I say all the stuff about him moving in with OW and immediately exposing kids to her out loud, it just sort of hammers home how bad his behavior is right now. I know that at some point I have to forgive him. He's the father of my children and for their sake I need to build some sort of positive relationship with him - but I'm just not there yet.
What's going on with STBX? I have no idea. Both my IC and DB coach thought he was in full MLC, I'm not so sure. I don't know if it matters. Before filing the divorce he occasionally spewed a bit (although pretty mild compared to other threads I've read). Since I've started cooperating with the divorce, he has been mostly deferential with some self pity and matyrdom thrown in (he thinks he's being very generous, although he's really not). I think he's pretty entangled with OW. Not sure if the house they live in is hers or if they rented it together, but either way she is subsidizing his life somewhat. I know nothing at all about her, other than she's 40 and works with him. I would bet my paycheck that she has been divorced and that the lawyer he is using was hers as well. She doesn't have children living with her, so she is either childless or has grown children. I confess to being a little concerned, due to her age, that they might jump into having a second family right away, which could be pretty tough for my kids to absorb.
Right now the divorce settlement looks to be about done. I will have kids about 80% of the time although that's a little deceptive since STBX only has them on school nights and I have all the weekends (due primarily to his schedule). If he ever has a schedule with weekends off we will go to the classic "every other weekend" schedule with a few extra days sprinkled in. Finances and property are sorted out. I don't think STBX realizes the tax implications of all of this. We agreed I would file separately this year as head of household and would take the kids as a deductions. With the retirement account that he cashed in to fund all of this - he's looking at a $12,000 tax bill on top of what he has already had withheld.
So to take stock of where things are as I start thread four:
Pros: I live very clos to a supportive family My In Laws, who live far away, have been extremely supportive (alas they are semi estranged from STBX since his announcement, but I'm hoping that will improve) I'm an introvert, but I have a lifetime of close friends who have rallied round. I am well employed. My kids are doing reasonably well under the circumstances I live in a community that I love and attend a wonderful church
Cons There is going to be an enormous amount of household upkeep that I need to figure out (we live on 10 acres) Relationship with STBX is still pretty rocky, although civil at the moment I don't really trust STBX to do the "right things" with the kids Its still an awful lot of change to absorb
raliced, I too feel repelled by my H, who just admitted to D14 that he has a girlfriend. Can I ask you, because I am about to embark on this path -- how is the divorce process? I have a lot of fears about that. I guess it's just fear of the unknown. Certainly lots of other folks have gone down that path... Looking for advice. What has been hardest about the legal process so far -- and how long does it take?
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hey Ahoy! Good to hear from you. The divorce process has actually been pretty smooth for us. In CA if it goes to court and a judge has to decide, they basically count up all the assets and all of the debt and split it 50/50 and there is a presumption of 50/50 child custody. I know different states vary widely.
The default is to start with a mediator - we were able to avoid even this step - because we agreed to everything between ourselves. STBX and I met - I had a spreadsheet full of items that I wanted to discuss and he agreed to almost all of it. When he left - he said "I could have everything" - which was pretty naive and simplistic of him because he had already cashed out a retirement plan. So at this point we have agreed to everything in theory - but I haven't seen the actual agreement yet - I will need to go through that with a fine tooth comb and will hire a lawyer just to review it.
I should say that I am a voracious reader and quickly educated myself about all the common missteps that people make (STBX is the opposite - he always wants someone to tell him what to do).
Some highlights for you to consider - make sure you look at the tax situation carefully. We have agreed that I will get to claim the kids and obviously the mortgage interest. This was actually a pretty substantial piece in making me financially whole (it allows me to file as Head of Household) and basically adds $400 a month to my bottom line.
You'll probably want to find out how your state treats kids of your daughter's age. In many, they actually have a say about who they live with.
You've been married longer than me - so retirement accts should be a factor.
You'll get through it Ahoy - if you and H can't resolve things on your own, there will be an army of professionals out there to assist you. My advice would be to arm yourself with the knowledge of how much things cost (lawyers hourly rates) and use that as a bargaining chip to settle things outside of court as much as possible.
On a different note, my D6 asked Santa for an accordion for Christmas and it made me think of you and the polka!
raliced -- that's awesome about the accordion! Thank you so much for the advice, which is much needed. I'm hopeful that my H and I can also sort out most of this stuff on our own to save costs. But ultimately, whatever the cost, it will be worth it to be free of the crazy person that he's become. It's so good to hear your sounding strong and peaceful during your divorce process. Your sense of calm is a model for me. Thank you so much for that.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Somehow it's comforting to hear you ladies talk of reasonable financial settlements. Neither H nor I talk about filing, but I feel like it's just a matter of time. My gut tells me that he's just waiting out the four-month S period, and then he's going to ask for D. I really need to get my homework done before that.
When I read about your H and Ahoy's , I have to say that despite his atrocious behavior (or maybe because of it) my STBX does seem to exhibit a lot more guilt and shame, which I think has made him more willing to be accomodating.
I'll still be nervous until it is actually filed. Money and property are one thing, but my big concern was the custody split. I don't think a judge would have split time 50/50 because H lives so far away from their school and because his hours change so much, but you never know - and I really don't want to take any chances with that one.
Oddly, even though he was on fire to start the process, he's the one who has now dragged his feet a little on the details.
Money and property are one thing, but my big concern was the custody split. I don't think a judge would have split time 50/50 because H lives so far away from their school and because his hours change so much, but you never know - and I really don't want to take any chances with that one.
Our split for the 4-month S period is going to work out to be about 65/35. Originally H proposed 50/50 in the form of a week with mom, a week with dad, and I said no. After that I proposed a split that was more along the lines of 85/15 and he agreed; but then I had a change of heart and came up with the 65/35. If things are working well for the 4 months, and H and I agree, then I don't know that a judge would mess with it. We'll see. Nothing for me to worry about now. I'm tracking everything, though.
So I did have a little hiccup this morning. D6 stayed with STBX last night and they came over this morning to pick up D3.
D6 announced that next week they were going to go see "Lisa's friends" so that Daddy and Lisa could see them open some presents.
I knew they would do something with the girls so that shouldn't have come as a surprise, but hearing it just made me incredibly nauseous. I'm trying to break down why I find something like this so upsetting and I guess its for multiple reasons.
1. I hate these multiple versions of the same holiday for the kids. I'm sure its a bonus for them (more presents) but somehow to me it feels like it diminishes the actual holiday
2. I hate the way STBX presents this stuff to the kids. It's always phrased is a self pitying way - "so that Daddy gets to see them open some presents. He apparently also says stuff like "Poor daddy doesn't get to see them as often".
3. I'm sorry - but I really react to the idea of "Lisa" celebrating a holiday with my kids in basically a familial role. I notice that I'm very jealous of her spending time with my kids but not at all about her celebrating the holiday with STBX.
Of course, D6 shouldn't be the one telling me all of this. STBX should. I guess its just something else to address when we go to co-parent counseling. I'm also starting to get nervous about this - my basic issue is how do I co-parent effectively with someone who has been so untrustworthy? Even with a trained third party present - it just seems like things could really go downhill.
Blech.
To be fair - STBX did say I could have all the Christmases since I have family here - so I do give him credit on that one.
Yuck, raliced. It's just yucky to think about our kids spending holiday time with the OW. My H conveyed to our D14 that his GF thinks she's "adorable" -- this pissed off D14. She's way too old to think "adorable" is appropriate. But here's the thing: Chances are this woman is going to play some role in my D14s life, so I hope she is at least a half-decent person. Not because my H deserves a half-decent person, but because I don't want my D14 to suffer. If this woman can love my D14 and be a positive force in her life, then I will have to put aside my jealousy. After all, as you say, I am not at all jealous of the time she is spending with my H (those two deserve each other as far as I'm concerned, and she has no idea what she's getting into). BUT my daughter is much older than yours, and that makes a difference. I'm guessing it's easier when a teenager is involved, since she can be critical in her own way and is not easily snowed. I hurt for you, thinking about your little ones. I do hope, for your kids' sake, that the OW can be a loving a positive force in their lives if she has to be one at all.
Wishing you peace.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
