Yuck, raliced. It's just yucky to think about our kids spending holiday time with the OW. My H conveyed to our D14 that his GF thinks she's "adorable" -- this pissed off D14. She's way too old to think "adorable" is appropriate. But here's the thing: Chances are this woman is going to play some role in my D14s life, so I hope she is at least a half-decent person. Not because my H deserves a half-decent person, but because I don't want my D14 to suffer. If this woman can love my D14 and be a positive force in her life, then I will have to put aside my jealousy. After all, as you say, I am not at all jealous of the time she is spending with my H (those two deserve each other as far as I'm concerned, and she has no idea what she's getting into). BUT my daughter is much older than yours, and that makes a difference. I'm guessing it's easier when a teenager is involved, since she can be critical in her own way and is not easily snowed. I hurt for you, thinking about your little ones. I do hope, for your kids' sake, that the OW can be a loving a positive force in their lives if she has to be one at all.
I know...I know...I keep telling myself this too and after all, its good for them to have people in their life who love them, but man, this is the part of this whole horrible enchilada that I really, really struggle with. Right now it just feels like my daughters are spending key moments and quality time with total strangers. Its not just OW, its OWs family and friends as well. I do wonder about the stability of someone who promptly shacks up with a married man.
And....I just got an email from STBX...he forwarded something from the lawyers confirming a continuation of a court date that was coming up and he referred to me in the email as his "other half". WTF.
So – after ruminating on Ahoy’s thread about whether our WASs are the people we thought they were, I realized that one of the reasons I was upset by D6’s announcement of her Dad’s Christmas plans was the fact that they were going to OW’s friends. Throughout our marriage STBX, insisted that he was an anti-social introvert. Now, I figured out pretty quickly that this wasn’t really true. STBX is in fact an extrovert and likes socializing with lots of friends. When we lived in Iowa and he watched the girls during the week, he would go from house to house visiting people from work. I was never invited into this world (and didn’t really expect to be since I was at work). I got used to strangers coming up to me in the grocery store who clearly knew my daughters.
I really am an introvert. Being at a party with a bunch of people I don’t know is very uncomfortable for me. I’m totally happy with being an introvert and don’t aspire to be anything else- it’s who I am. I have a small group of close friends that I do add to from time to time, and my friendships last through time. I’ve learned to navigate effectively through social situations at work. And for the record, if STBX had at any time claimed it was important to him, I would have met him halfway and extended myself.
After BD, when I was trying to find out where he lived, I asked him to provide me with the bare basics of where he was living so that I would know where my girls were – Address, roommates, friends who frequent the house, etc. He responded that he had no friends. But of course since then, the little glimpses I have into his life all reference friends: he can’t take D6 to dinner because he promised to help a friend, he took girls to ride horses at a friend’s house, now they are going to a friend’s Christmas party, etc.etc.
And I realized that I was upset because it activated some insecurity in me that what STBX really wants is the popular girl who can expedite social situations for him. And I of course will never be that and never was. I guess it feels like an explicit rejection of an important part of me. One of the things that I loved about STBX is that I always thought he liked this about me
raliced -- I'm just going to say this: deep, meaningful friendships that last over time are worth much more than light, social engagements with people with whom you have no deeper emotional exchanges. I have lots of friends, but I prefer to see them one-on-one, not in groups, because I like to have meaningful exchanges with them, and that doesn't always happen in group settings. (Although I do enjoy attending and hosting gatherings on rare occasions.) Because of this, I can say that I have the most wonderful and deep friendships that I've maintained across decades, geographic distances, and even long stretches of being out of touch.
My H, on the other hand, is like yours: socially extroverted. However, my H doesn't know how to connect with people on a deeper emotional level because he won't allow himself to be seen as flawed or vulnerable (and he is not honest with people, as it turns out). As a result, he has no long-term connections that he's able to maintain, and his social circle is very light. I don't envy that. People like that can certainly stay busy and entertained, and appear to be the life of the party, but it doesn't always mean that those are satisfying "friendships." It sounds to me like your H purposely kept his friends from you all these years -- almost like he didn't want to share them with you. Just be who you are, don't worry about what he is seeking, and know that there will be someone out there who will value you for who you are, not for your social connections. And you have the kinds of friends who are likely to stick by you no matter what.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I continue to notice a bit of a change in STBX since I stopped fighting the divorce and actively started helping it along. He is much chattier in texts (before he was as close to monosyllabic as he could get). Yesterday I notified him that D3's preschool was able to accomodate a change in schedule he had requested, and he responded with a big dose of self pity about how "with his luck" he wouldn't get the schedule he needed next quarter anyway. He's also been taking his time with the actual D stuff. He was supposed to get me a written version of what we agreed to regarding property two weeks ago and he just emailed it last night- it is ridiculously brief so I will have to add a lot of detail.
I had an interview yesterday for a different position in my company. Going into it, I wasn't sure how I felt (my company doens't publish salary ranges and its pretty difficult to tell which positions are a step up). Then my interviewer apologized and said - "Oh by the way, after the 2nd month, you'd have to work from home, I hope that would be ok?" and I practically jumped out of my chair. That would make life much, much, much easier right now. So keep your finger crossed, people! I know I did well in the interview, but you never know, a lot of times they already have someone in mind.
Hope you get the job! A work from home position with steady pay is my dream right now! Good luck!
Also, I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. You have given such good advice recently on how to handle things should it come down to moving forward with a D. I liked the information about asking to file as head of household for taxes. Should my H and I D, that would help me out a ton financially and probably allow me and the kids to remain in the house.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
