In a nutshell for anyone who doesn't want to read all the dreary details: my STBX is less a WAS and more of a runaway one. After completing a cross country move amost two years ago to be closer to my family, on July 21st he kissed me goodbye to go to work, got in a motorcycle accident, didn't come home for a day, and on July 23rd announced he was having an affair and that he wanted a divorce via note. Although he denied it with a great deal of righteous indignation, he actually immediately moved in with OW (he claims their relationship only began two weeks prior) about an hour away (closer to his work). For the first two months, I vigorously jumped into LRT, GAL and 180s, hired a DB coach and got him to agree to a 6 month cooling off period. Alomg the way he admitted to another affair in our previous state (they were still in contact as of Jan 2014). Then in mid October, he announced he had filed for divorce and 2 days later my 6 year old daughter revealed he was iving with his girlfriend. At that point, I stopped fighting the divorce. I got it through my head that in his mind we have been divorced for a long time and now I'm just helping him sort out the financial and legal details in a way that is most advantageous to my kids and me.
So, why am I still here? Primarily for my own mental health and self improvement. I don't completely discount the idea that someday we might come together as a family again, but I understand that he is on his own journey that I have little to no influence over. In my circle of family and friends there is almost no divorce. My sister divorced shortly after an inadvisable and youthful marriage with no kids or assets involved and that's about it. The statistic about 50% of marriages ending in divorce has never really hit my personal corner of the world, which makes this board so helpful. IRL, my sitch makes me pretty exotic.
I think I'm doing fairly well. I've entered into some GAL activities that are both rewarding and entertaining, got my financial house in order and have a pretty good PMA most days. The rollercoaster has had far fewer dips and hills the last month, maybe that is a temporary thing. I still have some trouble sleeping through the night, but I find if I mentally exhaust myself (via courses for work, studying another language etc) I do much better. I do have an appt for a physical this week just to make sure I haven't developed any physical side effects and duh, I probably need to have a full STD panel.
My kids are doing ok, I think. Although I worry what is going on in the head of D6 -this weekend she referred to her dad's "giiiiiirlllfriiieeend" with all the snotty hateur of a full blown tween. Since I don't discuss OW, I don't think she got that from me. We did have a lovely extended Thanksgiving weekend. We cut down our own Christmas tree, rehearsed for the church pageant, decorated the house and threw ourselves in Christmas cookie baking.
My feelings about STBX are difficult to sort out. I don't hate him, but I have very few positive emotions towards him right now. I'm actually sort of .....repelled by him at the moment. I've had to explain the situation a couple times recently (to a new IC and our pastor) and when I say all the stuff about him moving in with OW and immediately exposing kids to her out loud, it just sort of hammers home how bad his behavior is right now. I know that at some point I have to forgive him. He's the father of my children and for their sake I need to build some sort of positive relationship with him - but I'm just not there yet.
What's going on with STBX? I have no idea. Both my IC and DB coach thought he was in full MLC, I'm not so sure. I don't know if it matters. Before filing the divorce he occasionally spewed a bit (although pretty mild compared to other threads I've read). Since I've started cooperating with the divorce, he has been mostly deferential with some self pity and matyrdom thrown in (he thinks he's being very generous, although he's really not). I think he's pretty entangled with OW. Not sure if the house they live in is hers or if they rented it together, but either way she is subsidizing his life somewhat. I know nothing at all about her, other than she's 40 and works with him. I would bet my paycheck that she has been divorced and that the lawyer he is using was hers as well. She doesn't have children living with her, so she is either childless or has grown children. I confess to being a little concerned, due to her age, that they might jump into having a second family right away, which could be pretty tough for my kids to absorb.
Right now the divorce settlement looks to be about done. I will have kids about 80% of the time although that's a little deceptive since STBX only has them on school nights and I have all the weekends (due primarily to his schedule). If he ever has a schedule with weekends off we will go to the classic "every other weekend" schedule with a few extra days sprinkled in. Finances and property are sorted out. I don't think STBX realizes the tax implications of all of this. We agreed I would file separately this year as head of household and would take the kids as a deductions. With the retirement account that he cashed in to fund all of this - he's looking at a $12,000 tax bill on top of what he has already had withheld.
So to take stock of where things are as I start thread four:
Pros: I live very clos to a supportive family My In Laws, who live far away, have been extremely supportive (alas they are semi estranged from STBX since his announcement, but I'm hoping that will improve) I'm an introvert, but I have a lifetime of close friends who have rallied round. I am well employed. My kids are doing reasonably well under the circumstances I live in a community that I love and attend a wonderful church
Cons There is going to be an enormous amount of household upkeep that I need to figure out (we live on 10 acres) Relationship with STBX is still pretty rocky, although civil at the moment I don't really trust STBX to do the "right things" with the kids Its still an awful lot of change to absorb
raliced, I too feel repelled by my H, who just admitted to D14 that he has a girlfriend. Can I ask you, because I am about to embark on this path -- how is the divorce process? I have a lot of fears about that. I guess it's just fear of the unknown. Certainly lots of other folks have gone down that path... Looking for advice. What has been hardest about the legal process so far -- and how long does it take?
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hey Ahoy! Good to hear from you. The divorce process has actually been pretty smooth for us. In CA if it goes to court and a judge has to decide, they basically count up all the assets and all of the debt and split it 50/50 and there is a presumption of 50/50 child custody. I know different states vary widely.
The default is to start with a mediator - we were able to avoid even this step - because we agreed to everything between ourselves. STBX and I met - I had a spreadsheet full of items that I wanted to discuss and he agreed to almost all of it. When he left - he said "I could have everything" - which was pretty naive and simplistic of him because he had already cashed out a retirement plan. So at this point we have agreed to everything in theory - but I haven't seen the actual agreement yet - I will need to go through that with a fine tooth comb and will hire a lawyer just to review it.
I should say that I am a voracious reader and quickly educated myself about all the common missteps that people make (STBX is the opposite - he always wants someone to tell him what to do).
Some highlights for you to consider - make sure you look at the tax situation carefully. We have agreed that I will get to claim the kids and obviously the mortgage interest. This was actually a pretty substantial piece in making me financially whole (it allows me to file as Head of Household) and basically adds $400 a month to my bottom line.
You'll probably want to find out how your state treats kids of your daughter's age. In many, they actually have a say about who they live with.
You've been married longer than me - so retirement accts should be a factor.
You'll get through it Ahoy - if you and H can't resolve things on your own, there will be an army of professionals out there to assist you. My advice would be to arm yourself with the knowledge of how much things cost (lawyers hourly rates) and use that as a bargaining chip to settle things outside of court as much as possible.
On a different note, my D6 asked Santa for an accordion for Christmas and it made me think of you and the polka!
raliced -- that's awesome about the accordion! Thank you so much for the advice, which is much needed. I'm hopeful that my H and I can also sort out most of this stuff on our own to save costs. But ultimately, whatever the cost, it will be worth it to be free of the crazy person that he's become. It's so good to hear your sounding strong and peaceful during your divorce process. Your sense of calm is a model for me. Thank you so much for that.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Somehow it's comforting to hear you ladies talk of reasonable financial settlements. Neither H nor I talk about filing, but I feel like it's just a matter of time. My gut tells me that he's just waiting out the four-month S period, and then he's going to ask for D. I really need to get my homework done before that.
When I read about your H and Ahoy's , I have to say that despite his atrocious behavior (or maybe because of it) my STBX does seem to exhibit a lot more guilt and shame, which I think has made him more willing to be accomodating.
I'll still be nervous until it is actually filed. Money and property are one thing, but my big concern was the custody split. I don't think a judge would have split time 50/50 because H lives so far away from their school and because his hours change so much, but you never know - and I really don't want to take any chances with that one.
Oddly, even though he was on fire to start the process, he's the one who has now dragged his feet a little on the details.
Money and property are one thing, but my big concern was the custody split. I don't think a judge would have split time 50/50 because H lives so far away from their school and because his hours change so much, but you never know - and I really don't want to take any chances with that one.
Our split for the 4-month S period is going to work out to be about 65/35. Originally H proposed 50/50 in the form of a week with mom, a week with dad, and I said no. After that I proposed a split that was more along the lines of 85/15 and he agreed; but then I had a change of heart and came up with the 65/35. If things are working well for the 4 months, and H and I agree, then I don't know that a judge would mess with it. We'll see. Nothing for me to worry about now. I'm tracking everything, though.
So I did have a little hiccup this morning. D6 stayed with STBX last night and they came over this morning to pick up D3.
D6 announced that next week they were going to go see "Lisa's friends" so that Daddy and Lisa could see them open some presents.
I knew they would do something with the girls so that shouldn't have come as a surprise, but hearing it just made me incredibly nauseous. I'm trying to break down why I find something like this so upsetting and I guess its for multiple reasons.
1. I hate these multiple versions of the same holiday for the kids. I'm sure its a bonus for them (more presents) but somehow to me it feels like it diminishes the actual holiday
2. I hate the way STBX presents this stuff to the kids. It's always phrased is a self pitying way - "so that Daddy gets to see them open some presents. He apparently also says stuff like "Poor daddy doesn't get to see them as often".
3. I'm sorry - but I really react to the idea of "Lisa" celebrating a holiday with my kids in basically a familial role. I notice that I'm very jealous of her spending time with my kids but not at all about her celebrating the holiday with STBX.
Of course, D6 shouldn't be the one telling me all of this. STBX should. I guess its just something else to address when we go to co-parent counseling. I'm also starting to get nervous about this - my basic issue is how do I co-parent effectively with someone who has been so untrustworthy? Even with a trained third party present - it just seems like things could really go downhill.
Blech.
To be fair - STBX did say I could have all the Christmases since I have family here - so I do give him credit on that one.
Yuck, raliced. It's just yucky to think about our kids spending holiday time with the OW. My H conveyed to our D14 that his GF thinks she's "adorable" -- this pissed off D14. She's way too old to think "adorable" is appropriate. But here's the thing: Chances are this woman is going to play some role in my D14s life, so I hope she is at least a half-decent person. Not because my H deserves a half-decent person, but because I don't want my D14 to suffer. If this woman can love my D14 and be a positive force in her life, then I will have to put aside my jealousy. After all, as you say, I am not at all jealous of the time she is spending with my H (those two deserve each other as far as I'm concerned, and she has no idea what she's getting into). BUT my daughter is much older than yours, and that makes a difference. I'm guessing it's easier when a teenager is involved, since she can be critical in her own way and is not easily snowed. I hurt for you, thinking about your little ones. I do hope, for your kids' sake, that the OW can be a loving a positive force in their lives if she has to be one at all.
Wishing you peace.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Yuck, raliced. It's just yucky to think about our kids spending holiday time with the OW. My H conveyed to our D14 that his GF thinks she's "adorable" -- this pissed off D14. She's way too old to think "adorable" is appropriate. But here's the thing: Chances are this woman is going to play some role in my D14s life, so I hope she is at least a half-decent person. Not because my H deserves a half-decent person, but because I don't want my D14 to suffer. If this woman can love my D14 and be a positive force in her life, then I will have to put aside my jealousy. After all, as you say, I am not at all jealous of the time she is spending with my H (those two deserve each other as far as I'm concerned, and she has no idea what she's getting into). BUT my daughter is much older than yours, and that makes a difference. I'm guessing it's easier when a teenager is involved, since she can be critical in her own way and is not easily snowed. I hurt for you, thinking about your little ones. I do hope, for your kids' sake, that the OW can be a loving a positive force in their lives if she has to be one at all.
I know...I know...I keep telling myself this too and after all, its good for them to have people in their life who love them, but man, this is the part of this whole horrible enchilada that I really, really struggle with. Right now it just feels like my daughters are spending key moments and quality time with total strangers. Its not just OW, its OWs family and friends as well. I do wonder about the stability of someone who promptly shacks up with a married man.
And....I just got an email from STBX...he forwarded something from the lawyers confirming a continuation of a court date that was coming up and he referred to me in the email as his "other half". WTF.
So – after ruminating on Ahoy’s thread about whether our WASs are the people we thought they were, I realized that one of the reasons I was upset by D6’s announcement of her Dad’s Christmas plans was the fact that they were going to OW’s friends. Throughout our marriage STBX, insisted that he was an anti-social introvert. Now, I figured out pretty quickly that this wasn’t really true. STBX is in fact an extrovert and likes socializing with lots of friends. When we lived in Iowa and he watched the girls during the week, he would go from house to house visiting people from work. I was never invited into this world (and didn’t really expect to be since I was at work). I got used to strangers coming up to me in the grocery store who clearly knew my daughters.
I really am an introvert. Being at a party with a bunch of people I don’t know is very uncomfortable for me. I’m totally happy with being an introvert and don’t aspire to be anything else- it’s who I am. I have a small group of close friends that I do add to from time to time, and my friendships last through time. I’ve learned to navigate effectively through social situations at work. And for the record, if STBX had at any time claimed it was important to him, I would have met him halfway and extended myself.
After BD, when I was trying to find out where he lived, I asked him to provide me with the bare basics of where he was living so that I would know where my girls were – Address, roommates, friends who frequent the house, etc. He responded that he had no friends. But of course since then, the little glimpses I have into his life all reference friends: he can’t take D6 to dinner because he promised to help a friend, he took girls to ride horses at a friend’s house, now they are going to a friend’s Christmas party, etc.etc.
And I realized that I was upset because it activated some insecurity in me that what STBX really wants is the popular girl who can expedite social situations for him. And I of course will never be that and never was. I guess it feels like an explicit rejection of an important part of me. One of the things that I loved about STBX is that I always thought he liked this about me
raliced -- I'm just going to say this: deep, meaningful friendships that last over time are worth much more than light, social engagements with people with whom you have no deeper emotional exchanges. I have lots of friends, but I prefer to see them one-on-one, not in groups, because I like to have meaningful exchanges with them, and that doesn't always happen in group settings. (Although I do enjoy attending and hosting gatherings on rare occasions.) Because of this, I can say that I have the most wonderful and deep friendships that I've maintained across decades, geographic distances, and even long stretches of being out of touch.
My H, on the other hand, is like yours: socially extroverted. However, my H doesn't know how to connect with people on a deeper emotional level because he won't allow himself to be seen as flawed or vulnerable (and he is not honest with people, as it turns out). As a result, he has no long-term connections that he's able to maintain, and his social circle is very light. I don't envy that. People like that can certainly stay busy and entertained, and appear to be the life of the party, but it doesn't always mean that those are satisfying "friendships." It sounds to me like your H purposely kept his friends from you all these years -- almost like he didn't want to share them with you. Just be who you are, don't worry about what he is seeking, and know that there will be someone out there who will value you for who you are, not for your social connections. And you have the kinds of friends who are likely to stick by you no matter what.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I continue to notice a bit of a change in STBX since I stopped fighting the divorce and actively started helping it along. He is much chattier in texts (before he was as close to monosyllabic as he could get). Yesterday I notified him that D3's preschool was able to accomodate a change in schedule he had requested, and he responded with a big dose of self pity about how "with his luck" he wouldn't get the schedule he needed next quarter anyway. He's also been taking his time with the actual D stuff. He was supposed to get me a written version of what we agreed to regarding property two weeks ago and he just emailed it last night- it is ridiculously brief so I will have to add a lot of detail.
I had an interview yesterday for a different position in my company. Going into it, I wasn't sure how I felt (my company doens't publish salary ranges and its pretty difficult to tell which positions are a step up). Then my interviewer apologized and said - "Oh by the way, after the 2nd month, you'd have to work from home, I hope that would be ok?" and I practically jumped out of my chair. That would make life much, much, much easier right now. So keep your finger crossed, people! I know I did well in the interview, but you never know, a lot of times they already have someone in mind.
Hope you get the job! A work from home position with steady pay is my dream right now! Good luck!
Also, I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. You have given such good advice recently on how to handle things should it come down to moving forward with a D. I liked the information about asking to file as head of household for taxes. Should my H and I D, that would help me out a ton financially and probably allow me and the kids to remain in the house.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
I don't know what this post is - vent or just musing.
Right now I'm tyring really hard at working towards getting to a place of forgiveness with STBX. I know this is critical for my kids. But one of the things I struggle with is that I don't trust that he is really doing things with the kids in mind.
He is a deputy sheriff and works 4 days on, 3 days off. He has to rebid for a schedule every 90 days and cannot work the same shift for more than 6 months. When he left, we discussed that it would be beneficial for him to try and have Mondays off, since D6 always has minimum days and this would let them spend a little quality one on one time together (weekends off are not a possibility for him right now). With his current schedule he had to ask D3s preschool to change her schedule.
Earlier in the week he was complaining that "with his luck" he wouldn't get Mondays off anymore. I have to say I immediately felt like he was just trying to smooth the way because he didn't actually want Mondays off. Then today he informed me that he would have Wednesdays Thursdays and Fridas off (day shift) and to gt Mondays off he would have to work graveyard (which he's always claimed to like doing before).
I know even speculating as to his motives is massive mind reading. It just feels like this is a schedule that is more convenient for him and OW (they would both work days). I have to get past this place of suspicion and jut deal with what is. I keep feeling that despite his protests he really doesn't want to inconvenience himself at all for his kids sake. And I hate that.
raliced, you're right -- no point on dwelling on what you can't change. If your H chooses to put his needs over those of the kids, there is little you can do. Focusing on the issue and analyzing it won't change the situation, as you know. Just let it go and keep being the awesome mom that you are. Know that you are putting your kids' needs first, no matter what. Good luck with the job opportunity!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I don't know what this post is - vent or just musing.
Right now I'm tyring really hard at working towards getting to a place of forgiveness with STBX. I know this is critical for my kids. But one of the things I struggle with is that I don't trust that he is really doing things with the kids in mind.
He is a deputy sheriff and works 4 days on, 3 days off. He has to rebid for a schedule every 90 days and cannot work the same shift for more than 6 months. When he left, we discussed that it would be beneficial for him to try and have Mondays off, since D6 always has minimum days and this would let them spend a little quality one on one time together (weekends off are not a possibility for him right now). With his current schedule he had to ask D3s preschool to change her schedule.
Earlier in the week he was complaining that "with his luck" he wouldn't get Mondays off anymore. I have to say I immediately felt like he was just trying to smooth the way because he didn't actually want Mondays off. Then today he informed me that he would have Wednesdays Thursdays and Fridas off (day shift) and to gt Mondays off he would have to work graveyard (which he's always claimed to like doing before).
I know even speculating as to his motives is massive mind reading. It just feels like this is a schedule that is more convenient for him and OW (they would both work days). I have to get past this place of suspicion and jut deal with what is. I keep feeling that despite his protests he really doesn't want to inconvenience himself at all for his kids sake. And I hate that.
But whaddayagonnado? Get yourself worked up about something that may not be true or choose to take care of yourself and let it go?
I think I know what you've chosen.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You're right Ahoy, and it helps to hear someone else articulate what is already swirling around in my head.
I think I need to split this stuff into things that could actually have a bad effect on the kids (his asking them to keep secrets from me) and address those in co-parent counseling, and then just let myself feel irritated about the other things and then get in the habit of shrugging them off after about 15 minutes.
Hopefully we can eventually get to a place where we can communicate about these things openly and effectively, but I think that is a long ways off.
So we had the first misunderstanding about the girls schedule this morning. I thought he was going to pick them up in the morning, he thought in the afternoon. No big deal, although I was a little late to work. During the drive in though, I did have a moment of "I still can't believe this is happening and I now live in a world where these kinds of situations with my STBX will happen."
Also - during the weekend I took the kids to see a movie that was excruciatingly boring and while watching it my mind drifted to "My husband actually left me for another woman - my life is now a soap opera plot point". And of course, I know that's ridiculous, the sum of my life right now is much richer than these things.
I had a moment this morning where I was looking at my Christmas tree and feeling a little blue that life has changed so much since last year (STBX has kids and I am always a little more prone to blue moments when I don't have them).
So to pull myself out of that funk, I thought about a the little things I love about the Christmas season and really there are very few of them that are impacted by STBX's absence.
This is just a partial list of the "little" things (obviously there are spiritual implications to Christmas that are much larger and fulfilling)
Sparkling lights on neighbor’s houses and downtown
I get to pull out the tablecloth from my childhood that I love, that my mom embroidered with angels
Sweet, sweet egg nog
Watching my kids perform in the Nativity play (D6 is Mary this year)
The fact that people sing more in church this time of year because they are more comfortable with the songs. It’s more fun when everyone sings.
My kids delight when I put the Rudolph nose and antlers on my car
I can wear velvet and not look out of place
The chatty Christmas cards I get from my elderly Aunts (because I’m the only niece that sends them a card) in which they detail all their ailments
Linzer Torte
The sight of my daughters in their Christmas dresses
D6 has lost her two front teeth just in time for Christmas this year. Adorable!
What can I say; I love the Christmas movies and specials. Bring on “It’s a Wonderful Life, “Elf”, “A Christmas Story”, “Rudolph”, “Frosty” etc.
Having my daughters “help” me wrap presents
Having my daughters “help” me bake in matching aprons
My work has a charitable foundation attached to it that collects presents for disadvantaged kids in the community and I love shopping for these.
Today was my birthday - had a low key day topped off with a nice family dinner with my daughters and parents.
I did not expect STBX to acknowledge the day. However, it was his birthday 3 weeks ago and I helped the kids acknowledge it with a card and special family photo albums they put together (no pictures of me of course - just him and the kids). I confess to hoping he would make a similar gesture (in regards to helping the kids) but no dice. Thats what I get for having an expectation. Its actually helpful in reinforcing that no expectations is really the way to go right now.
Happy Birthday, raliced! The fact that he didn't do anything just reinforces the fact that he is not the person he used to be. And yes, it's best not to have expectations. My birthday is next week, and I actually hope that my H doesn't acknowledge it because I think it would throw an emotional wrench into my day. I would rather have my space and peace. Why would you want an emotional cannonball wrecking your day? Also, let's say he did help the kids make an album for you -- wouldn't it just make you sad and give you (possibly false) hope that he still cares? At least he is not stringing you along, even though I know it's disappointing.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Actually I guess I was hoping for the gesture more as a sign that he is willing to co-parent cordially, or at least working on getting to that place. Believe me I am under no delusion that he cares about me in any other regard at the moment. He has made that abundantly clear and I have accepted it.
The parenting thing is starting to look like more of an issue. The girls came back from his place yesterday completely exhausted which is getting to be pretty routine. I want to be able to talk to him about this kind of stuff - but its just not possible right now. Hope you have a great day!
My WAW did nothing for my birthday last month. That was deliberate; she has all these things loaded in her calendar. It was also expected; my W misses no opportunity to stick it to me as payback for making her life miserable. A week later my D13 realized they had missed it and apologized. (A couple of months ago D and I watched "Sixteen Candles" together, so it resonated with her.)
Yesterday was my W's birthday. I got the kids a card and a gift card to give her, from them. I wanted the kids to see the right thing to do, regardless of how W and I are getting along. Later, after the kids gave her the card, my W actually said thank you to me. She brought me a piece of birthday cake last night, too. Both were unexpected. Every once in a while, her true good self shines through.
Anyway, raliced, I don't know that any of it means much one way or another. Men are notoriously bad at remembering birthdays at the best of times, and given his state, you were right not to expect anything. I wouldn't read malevolence into it, nor would I let it suggest how he might be at co-parenting. We LBS's always want to read things as "signs", and more often than not, we just end up beating ourselves up with the signpost.
Hope you made yourself have a good day, and know that next year's birthday will be better, because that is what you want, and therefore, you will make it so.
Happy belated birthday! Is there a reason I wasn't invited for cake????:)
I'm sorry your day wasn't acknowledged. Although, I believe you should celebrate the entire year:-) I can't begin to speculate why your h didn't say anything so I won't go there.
Zew, I'm sorry you feel your wife feels your ruined your life. I got that for a while too although x Mr GB has softened a bit. Or maybe I'm so detached I see things differently? Not sure. He texts me frequently and sends funnies occasionally. He did not wish me a happy birthday this am but did ask if kids wished their mother a happy birthday. (They had).
What's it all mean? Who knows? Be the best you can and know their feelings and actions are their own.
I have learned you can't make someone coparent. Do your part and the rest will be what it is. I hope this is a wonderful year for you Raliced!!!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GB- the chocolate peanut butter cake was delicious. I am going to allow myself a moment of snark here- STBX always claimed to be "allergic" to peanut butter (despite being able to eat peanuts). Since his departure I have been eating it and other foods he dismissed similarly (hellooooo Hawaiian pizza) with abandon.
Anyway- hope it doesn't sound like I made too much of the birthday thing. It was more of a shoulder shrug kind of disappointment.
D6 was able to improvise by carving "Happy Birthday Mommy" in a leftover pumpkin using safety scissors. She then presented it to me, wrapped in swaths of wide blue painters tape while doing some faux tap dancing. Love that kid!
One of the little fears that popped up post separation, was how I would handle things when I was sick and had the girls.
Well, D3 brought home a nasty stomach flu this week that has swept through the house. I did end up in the ER to receive fluids on Friday, but somehow managed to get through it all. I guess you can make through most things if properly motivated.
Other than the obvious illness related stuff, its been a pretty mellow week. Settling into a bit of a routine with STBX. he emails me to confirm logistics of pick up and drop off, and other than that we don't communicate. Divorce stuff seems to be chugging along, although his lawyer doesn't seem in any rush to draw up the papers. I don't really care about this, except that I would really like them to be completed and filed before we go to co parent counseling which I think we need pretty badly. I'm sure painful things will be said - and that seems like it could muddy the waters.
I've been pretty even keel for quite a while now - when I have "bumps" they seem pretty minor and quick. I feel like this should be affecting me more?
Well I guess the biggest one, and maybe the only one that is relevant to co-parenting is the fact that I can't trust him at all. The adultery was one thing, but swearing up and down that he wasn't living with OW, when in fact he moved in with her immediately and then had displays of physical affection with her in front of the kids is kind of a big one for me. And he has asked my oldest daughter to keep secrets from me and there have been some little lies about her homework etc.
I dunno - it seems like we have to operate from some place of mutual trust - which is the whole reason I think we need the counseling. I can't really think of how I could learn to trust him again- and I guess I'm hoping a counselor could help.
raliced, do you really want to sit across from him in therapy and listen to more of his lies? I'm afraid that even if he says the right things in therapy, it doesn't mean he will actually change his behavior. My H does the same thing (asks D to keep secrets, lies to our faces, etc.). I have to just let it go. If I have no expectations that he will tell me the truth, then I can't be disappointed. Sad, but true.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy- I can think of literally 1,000 things I would rather do. However, I'm going to have to co-parent with him for the next 15 years, and the situation right now is not good. I'm wiling to give anything a try that might improve things for my daughters.
If nothing else, there are some basic courtesies like letting me know what he is going to do with them when he has them (he's capable of taking them to do some dangerous sporting activites), and the fact that there is no landline phone at his house and he doesn't get reception and therefore I can't contact him easily if there is an emergency. I don't know that he would be receptive to hearing these things from me right now, but he might from a 3rd party.
Ahoy- I can think of literally 1,000 things I would rather do. However, I'm going to have to co-parent with him for the next 15 years, and the situation right now is not good. I'm wiling to give anything a try that might improve things for my daughters.
Raliced, I hope your H can find his way to set aside your R/M issues and figure out how to be a good dad. I agree with you that the counseling could be a good thing to help him along with this. Hang in there. How was your weekend?
The adultery was one thing, but swearing up and down that he wasn't living with OW, when in fact he moved in with her immediately and then had displays of physical affection with her in front of the kids is kind of a big one for me.
This. So this. I don't get why people treat others this way and lie about stuff that is SO OBVIOUS. It boils my blood that they think we're too stupid to piece together what's going on.
I got "I only cheated once and it was over a year ago" to "I'm not leaving you for anyone else; this is about me working on me" to "I'm sleeping with her but we're not in an R" to "No, I'm not going to move her in when you move out; is that what you want me to do, to prove you right?" to OW herself telling me she gave up her apartment to move in with him and they're buying a house together.
In some ways, it'd be easier if they just owned up to it if they're going to do it anyway. Ugh.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
STBX came by the house this morning. Had a longer than usual hand off, because I had to explain all the stuff about the kids illnesses, medications etc. Fun times talking about all the liquids that come out of small children's bodies. Also had to explain that it is now necessary to stack kitchen chairs in front of the refrigerator, because the flatulent, snoring, partially housebroken rottweiler that he rescued 5 months before BD and then left behind, has figured out how to open it. Tally so far is a Costco sized bag of cheese, 3 sticks of butter and all the kids cheese sticks. What can I say, the dog loves her dairy! And lest anyone get the wrong idea - I do love her despite the smells, noises and bad manners. While I am always a little stunned that STBX left behind all the pets, I'm glad to have them all.
Anyway - It was STBX that was on fire to file for this divorce. Now that I'm on board with it, he seems to have completely checked out. He hired a lawyer to file the original paperwork. Then we came to agreement on everything and now his lawyer is supposed to be drawing up the papers. Considering the simplicity of our agreement, the lawyer is sure taking his time and whenever I ask a question about the status, STBX has no idea what's going on. It's as though now he has put all this in motion, he just wants to put his head in the sand and pretend its not happening. Well, He's responsible for paying all costs of the divorce, since it was his bright idea, so I guess if he doesn't care about the hourly rate that's being racked up, its his problem.
I also set up an online calendar to facilitate communication. He said he would load his schedule into it ASAP....3 weeks ago.
Bah!
I know this sounds like venting, and it probably is. STBX used to be pretty timely and responsible. I guess I wonder if this is the new permanent state of affairs or if it will improve? Time will tell I guess.
raliced, This is exactly what I am dealing with! WAW HAD to have papers done and everything official before the end of the year. We are less than 2 weeks away from that and I have seen the second revision and that is it. Nothing signed, no court date. I too made sure I was paying non of the fees. The lawyer is representing her, not me.
WAW has lost : Garmin cord, S13 dress clothes, CD full of pictures, ipod, ipad, 3 chargers, receipts for clothes I want to help pay for, original papers we wrote out for our agreement, my moms recipe book... on top of missing christmas program, 2 basketball games, 2 drop offs/exchanges, deadline for ordering fundraiser for class trip, deadline for ordering "school spirit" clothes, and let s10 go 3 days with no money in his lunch account. Like your STBX she was once timely and responsible. Personally I think it will improve. It has to, right?
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
My second H and I separated very amicably. The paperwork was drafted and I was happy to file.
H asked me not to file for a while as he had started an R with a lovely lady but didn't want to encourage "commitment". I thought it was sad but I filed anyway.
Some exes may want to deflect an over enthusiastic OP and others may want to hang on and yet others may have mixed reasons. Who cares, if we want M then there is no need to hurry the D (financial interests notwithstanding). In my case I could see no reason to delay especially if H2 was manipulating. None of my business.
Regards Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla - I'm not in a hurry to be divorced, but I would like the details finalized. I consider moving out with an affair partner two weeks after beginning a relationship with her to be erratic behavior. Given that, I'm always a little worried that STBX will turn jerk-y. I can make ends meet with the financials that we have agreed to (keep my house), and most importantly I can live with the custody split. I think it is highly unlikely he would go back and try to change things after its been filed an blessed by a judge, because that would involve more lawyers fees for him. Just to be clear - there is still a waiting period here as well (looks like April at this point).
I doubt he's intentionally delaying (although I'm pretty confident the original filing was done at behest of OW). When I think about it, he's just someone who tends to blindly put faith in the "professionals".
Bdub- sounds like you have it worse than I do with the forgetfulness and that your W's brain is pretty foggy right now. I'm sure it does get better. I was thinking about this last night. Yes, I've had to absorb some changes, but I still live in the same house, have close to the same routine, same relationships with friends and family etc. All that has changed for STBX - and be it midlife or something else - he's clearly in some kind of crisis. I'm sure it gets better!
Raliced, I am with you on this one. I want my stuff done and signed and through the courts. She has already balked at 3 things we initially agreed on and I just had to swallow it because her idea of negotiating was to threaten me with a full on D. So you are right, the WAS can quickly turn jerk-y. This goes against most DB principles but I think its pretty important to get your "assets" covered, so to speak !
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I'm always a little worried that STBX will turn jerk-y.
I worry a little about this sometimes. H and I have been nothing but civil to each other, and since he moved out he's been downright nice. But I'm always aware that I never thought he'd cheat and leave, either, so I'm vigilant about checking the bank accounts, etc. for anything suspicious. I'm ready to take care of myself if need be. But until then it's advantageous to keep playing nice.
Since I've dropped the rope, I've stopped worrrying about emasculating STBX and am going to focus on getting some stuff done that fell on "his side of the house".
I'm putting together a list and doing research about a list of household projects that need to get done and that I would like to put into motion after the new year.
1. The people we bought this house from were border line hoarders. They left behind two antique wood stoves in pieces and a industrial strength gun safe with no lock in the garage. I'm not sure if these items have value as scrap or not and will need to investigate. I'd like them out of the way.
2. They also left behind a non functioning large wood chipper. Again, not sure if its worth repairing, if it has value as is, or just needs to be hauled to the dump.
3. I live on a wooded 10 acres. I want to look into logging the 2 acres behind the house which would give the house a view and be better for fire safety. It's possible this might also be a source of extra money for me. STBX was opposed to this because he preferred the "security" of no one being able to see the house behind the trees (you'd only be able to see it briefly from a specific point in the road post logging) and frankly I was worried about him demaning a share of the proceeds, but he has now signed off on a quit claim deed to the property.
4. There is a semi finished area above our garage, that I would like to turn into a functioning apartment (previous owners started but didn't finish). The floors are finished and there is electricity, and kitchen cabinets are installed, but it needs plumbing and some dry walling. This would raise the value of my property significantly and also give me the possiblity of side income if I could ever find a tenant I was comfortable with.
Since I've dropped the rope, I've stopped worrrying about emasculating STBX and am going to focus on getting some stuff done that fell on "his side of the house".
Raliced, I'm impressed. Most of those things are pretty intimidating to me. How did I get to be such a girl? Good for you for taking them on!
Since I've dropped the rope, I've stopped worrrying about emasculating STBX and am going to focus on getting some stuff done that fell on "his side of the house".
I'm putting together a list and doing research about a list of household projects that need to get done and that I would like to put into motion after the new year.
1. The people we bought this house from were border line hoarders. They left behind two antique wood stoves in pieces and a industrial strength gun safe with no lock in the garage. I'm not sure if these items have value as scrap or not and will need to investigate. I'd like them out of the way.
2. They also left behind a non functioning large wood chipper. Again, not sure if its worth repairing, if it has value as is, or just needs to be hauled to the dump.
3. I live on a wooded 10 acres. I want to look into logging the 2 acres behind the house which would give the house a view and be better for fire safety. It's possible this might also be a source of extra money for me. STBX was opposed to this because he preferred the "security" of no one being able to see the house behind the trees (you'd only be able to see it briefly from a specific point in the road post logging) and frankly I was worried about him demaning a share of the proceeds, but he has now signed off on a quit claim deed to the property.
4. There is a semi finished area above our garage, that I would like to turn into a functioning apartment (previous owners started but didn't finish). The floors are finished and there is electricity, and kitchen cabinets are installed, but it needs plumbing and some dry walling. This would raise the value of my property significantly and also give me the possiblity of side income if I could ever find a tenant I was comfortable with.
That should keep me busy for a while.
Wonderful moving forward in to your life plans.
I've learned that for the right price there are people who will buy just about anything. You may not make a mint but they pay you to haul it away.
I love projects! Yours sound really great.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Supposedly the 5 acres next to me was logged for a significant amount of money, but its a level parcel and they left it a mess. Amounts vary wildly, but worst case scenario, I should get a nice view in exchange for the timber value.
I'm in a weird place this week. I know I have a long ways to go in terms of healing and growing, but I think I've finally stopped with the "I can't believe this has happened" and "I can't believe STBX has done this" and have maybe moved on to fully dealing with what is. I still think a traditional family would be the best for my daughters, but I guess I'm starting to really accept that I personally will be ok. I loved my husband, and I really do believe he's a good man, although his actions now are troubling. He will be in my life forever due to the children we share, and I genuinely hope we can come to some positive place.
I know that several posters on threads I read regularly wonder if they will find love again. Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with me because I don't worry or wonder about that at all. Maybe I'm still too close to it all.
I have been spending more thought on some of the dreams I feel I have had to give up due to all of this. Because of the increases in our income we projected over the years, I expected to be able to travel fairly extensively with our daughters and I confess to having a dream of being able to cut back my work hours to 30 a week for a few years (3 or 4) to be able to participate a bit more in the girl's childhood activities. At first I felt that I would have to let these things go - there's just no way without two full incomes coming in - and it was one of the things that made me a little sad, but I've been looking at it lately and you know what? I just need to figure it out. I'm already in process towards getting a work from home job that should give me a lot more schedule flexibility - not the same thing as reduced hours - but close to the same effect. And for the travel? There's always a way. Maybe income from renting out the apartment - maybe I figure out a second income stream or maybe I just get a lot more aggressive career wise. I'm not giving up on that one.
I confess to having a dream of being able to cut back my work hours to 30 a week for a few years (3 or 4) to be able to participate a bit more in the girl's childhood activities.
Raliced, I actually thought I was going to be able to stop working all together this past fall. I really wanted to quit and focus on my kids and my house and my H more. As it turned out, I focused on my H way more that I wanted to, all while working full time. Sigh....... Sometimes things don't go the way we expect, do they?
I'm one of those people who wonder if I'll find love again, but not in an obsessive way. As much fun as it would be to have someone that cares about me, I am not ready right now. For starters, I'm still M. But even if I weren't, I need to get back to self-sufficiency before I bring someone else into the mix. I want to be in a healthy place to start a new R, not a desperate one, and that's going to take time.
You sound like you are in such a stong place. Good for you.
I have been spending more thought on some of the dreams I feel I have had to give up due to all of this. Because of the increases in our income we projected over the years, I expected to be able to travel fairly extensively with our daughters and I confess to having a dream of being able to cut back my work hours to 30 a week for a few years (3 or 4) to be able to participate a bit more in the girl's childhood activities. At first I felt that I would have to let these things go - there's just no way without two full incomes coming in - and it was one of the things that made me a little sad, but I've been looking at it lately and you know what? I just need to figure it out. I'm already in process towards getting a work from home job that should give me a lot more schedule flexibility - not the same thing as reduced hours - but close to the same effect. And for the travel? There's always a way. Maybe income from renting out the apartment - maybe I figure out a second income stream or maybe I just get a lot more aggressive career wise. I'm not giving up on that one.
Life is full of surprises, and you never know where this may lead you. Don't give up on dreams, just find different ways to get there.
Some things that seemed oh so important before this experience may not look quite as important now. Others may be more important.
You seem to be an open, creative thinker, capitalize on that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Love is not a feeling or an emotion, love is the core of who we are. In my book each person is love and love is an action, a gift from the universe to each of us which we in turn channel to others. By the very fact we are human we are love, we don't need to find it. We are love wrapped in a human frame.
To find love to me is a misnomer, love is there. If we give we receive. A friend of mine has a grandmother who just got remarried at 78, said there was no point in waiting around. That gal is full of love and life.
If you want a traveler in life, then giving love will find one. I am so sure of it, but need is the antithesis of love, because love is about giving. There is plenty to spare.
Ralliced, whatever you do will be right as you are truly moving to peace in your life.
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Love is not a feeling or an emotion, love is the core of who we are. In my book each person is love and love is an action, a gift from the universe to each of us which we in turn channel to others. By the very fact we are human we are love, we don't need to find it. We are love wrapped in a human frame.
To find love to me is a misnomer, love is there. If we give we receive. A friend of mine has a grandmother who just got remarried at 78, said there was no point in waiting around. That gal is full of love and life.
If you want a traveler in life, then giving love will find one. I am so sure of it, but need is the antithesis of love, because love is about giving. There is plenty to spare.
Ralliced, whatever you do will be right as you are truly moving to peace in your life.
Vanilla
Beautiful! (I also lean to the woo-woo side but I'm happy so argue with that. )
I've found when I acknowledge reality, let go of my ego and act from love, things get so much easier.
Thanks for posting.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Getting ready to take my kids sledding tomorrow (we don't live too far from Lake Tahoe). Lots of trying on snow gear to see what fits and what needs to be replaced. Stop growing like a weed D6!
This is a little out of my wheelhouse. I skiied in my youth, but never did too much snow play - this was more STBX's thing (he grew up in upstate New York).It will be an adventure navigating up the hill with my little car full of kids (taking niece and nephew too)- but I want to do something that's just plain fun with them.
STBX will have them from Monday morning through noon on Christmas Eve. Will focus on getting the house ready for the big family Christmas Eve shindig (Prime Rib! Christmas Crackers! Awkward karaoke!) at my house to keep from missing them.
So - one little question for everyone. STBX does not have a landline phone at his house and he doesn't get cell reception. The only way to reach him is via text (and I can't call the kids while in his care). I just want a temperature check here - totally reasonable of me to ask him to get a phone, right?
Getting ready to take my kids sledding tomorrow (we don't live too far from Lake Tahoe). Lots of trying on snow gear to see what fits and what needs to be replaced. Stop growing like a weed D6!
This is a little out of my wheelhouse. I skiied in my youth, but never did too much snow play - this was more STBX's thing (he grew up in upstate New York).It will be an adventure navigating up the hill with my little car full of kids (taking niece and nephew too)- but I want to do something that's just plain fun with them.
STBX will have them from Monday morning through noon on Christmas Eve. Will focus on getting the house ready for the big family Christmas Eve shindig (Prime Rib! Christmas Crackers! Awkward karaoke!) at my house to keep from missing them.
So - one little question for everyone. STBX does not have a landline phone at his house and he doesn't get cell reception. The only way to reach him is via text (and I can't call the kids while in his care). I just want a temperature check here - totally reasonable of me to ask him to get a phone, right?
Hope everyone has a wonderful GAL weekedend.
Lived in Reno-love Tahoe! Will get back there someday. Pack lots of dry socks!
Living where you live also makes logging your land a safety issue.
Totally reasonable to ask for the landline.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Had a text exchange with my SIL last night regarding Christmas packages we had sent to each other.
STBX and his sister are not close, which I don't understand. I never really paid all that much attention to it because we don't live close to them. I was the one that always kept track of and sent something for birthdays, acknowledged the birth of her kids, etc. She's always seemed perfectly nice to me and seems to have affection for STBX.
Anyway - one of the little "sad things" that bothered me after BD was that I had looked forward to building on that relationship and also building one with her two kids who are fairly close in age to my daughters. I love being an aunt. The more nieces and nephews the better!
Who knows what the future will bring - but at the moment I am the only one maintaining contact with his family and frankly that relationship can be what I make of it. So I'm going to pay some extra effort this year to making those ties stronger.
Who knows what the future will bring - but at the moment I am the only one maintaining contact with his family and frankly that relationship can be what I make of it. So I'm going to pay some extra effort this year to making those ties stronger.
That's smart, raliced. The in-laws are still your Ds' family. And the more family at your back, the better.
I have a barely-there relationship with my own sister, we get along fine, but are not close. At my IC's prodding, I made an attempt recently to contact her more, but am getting close to zero response. On the other hand, I have always been close to H's sister, but we've gotten closer in the past 8 months. She's a jewel. And my kids love her. I'm keeping her close, no matter what happens.
STBX came over to pick up girls this morning. These exchanges are getting a little easier, but only because they are becoming routine. I know I'm supposed to be a friendly neighbor, but he is so visibly uncomfortable, that I download a few "need to knows" and then head out the door. Very unusual for them to last over 2 minutes. I've wondered if this will ever get better, and I guess its at least partially in my ballcourt to make it so, but nothing I do (offering coffee, introducing other topics) seems to have any effect.
I read so much on here about how everyone is handling Christmas, and we never had any of those discussions, other than his saying that since I have extended family here, the girls should always do Christmas with me. The idea of him being there in the morning never came up. All the presents under my tree are labeled from me (and I presume the ones under his tree are from him). No discussion about what to get them. I got presents for his family- because I've always gotten presents for his family.I did help the girls make Christmas ornaments with their handprints on them so that they would have something to give him.
In addition to the cowboy boots he purchased post BD, he showed up today in a new western style jacket and shirt. The first IC I had said it sounded like he was trying on a new persona. Am waiting for the 10 gallon hat to make an appearance.
The only discussion we have had about christmas went like this: her : " I assume your family christmases are the same as normal?" Me: "yes. It is your year for christmas morning according to the papers. I will have them to your place by 10pm and pick them up at 2. "
My WAW is trying on a new persona too. She has had new clothes on the last 4 times we have crossed pathes. I think I will call her new persona "20 year old "
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I think I'm just about ready for Christmas Ever and certainly ready to get the kids back today. Finished wrapping all the ir gifts last night- pogo sticks, stilts, scooters, etc. (not so subtle message to kids - go play outside!), and am ready to host the big family dinner tonight.
I've been thinking somewhat about last Christmas Eve - we hosted then too. STBX was in such a great mood, and it seemed like a celebration that we had come to the end of a difficult move, were settled in our new home and ready to move forward. However, I distinctly remember having a passing feeling or even a premonition that it was the calm before the storm, and sure enough it was. Two weeks later the year kicked off with D3 being hospitalized, then we found out STBX didn't get a job he was sure he had in the bag, our 2 beloved family dogs died within three weeks of each other, my sister's H lost his job, my parents had some scary health issues, and then of course the BD hit in July. Here's hoping 2015 is a lttle smoother!
I work at a large healthcare company that was originally a Catholic organization. Throughout advent, Sister B, has come on the loudspeaker each morning to provide a reflection. It is a soothing moment of the day, which I enjoy immensely. She touches a lot on suffering throughout the world and it has driven home that the problems that I listed above and the problems I expect to face with STBX this year, are, after all, first world problems. My children are safe and experience very little want, for which I am truly grateful.
Had a pretty good day yesterday - we did most of our "celebrating" Christmas Eve - so on the day itself we just went to church and I let the girls play with their new toys. I'm not sure what Santa was thinking bringing D6 the accordion she asked for and D3 a guitar to strum. Really Santa, mom's ears and nerves may never be the same.
STBX called and facetimed with the girls for about 5 minutes before there was some sort of meltdown and D3 started crying for me (I ususally leave the room during their calls). We made ornaments for the kids to give him, but much like my birthday, he did not help them do anything for me. Again, D6 was a little distressed and spent part of the day wrapping up some of her stuffed animals and giving them to me. I had gotten myself an embroidery project and told her the best gift she could get me was to get the threads all organized for me, but she wasn't buying it. Lesson learned. Next year and for Mother's Day, I'm going to have to ask my sister to help them out.
I realized yesterday that D6 really never talks about what goes on a Daddy's house (D3 is too young). I think I've been giving off some sort of vibe that I don't want to hear about it, and she must have picked up on that. I'll have to be aware of this and do better - she shouldn't feel that pressure.
Very grateful to have this precious time with them. We're off today to buy various batteries that Santa was to distracted to buy ahead of thime and to pick up a bunch of dog and cat treats for 75%off.
Have been enjoying a quiet Sunday - back to work tomorrow. I put together a massive "to-do" list for the coming year and was organizing it into months and I realized that it is so lengthy not because I am unusually ambitious but because I don't have to run anything by committee anymore and can pretty much do what I please. That's actually a surprisingly good feeling.
I was feeling a sense of accomplishment but when I looked at the finished product I realized I hadn't put anything on it in regards to STBX and the impending divorce. It does seem like rather a glaring omission so I guess I do need to come up with some goals in this area, primarily in the area of co-parenting, but probably need to sit on it for an extra night or two.
D6 was watching football with me today and after a hilarious exchange during which she asked why all the players were using "binkies" (mouthguards), she noted that all the players were spitting on the field and then mentioned that Daddy spits all the time now, even in a cup in the car. I guess this means he has taken up chewing tobacco again (he gave it up shortly before we married of his own volition- I never asked). Yech. I guess this goes with the new cowboy persona - just one more reason to feel that OW is not eactly getting a catch at the moment. So to my knowledge STBX takes Ambien, ED drugs, testosterone supplements and is now self medicating with tobacco. That seems like a pretty potent pharmalogical cocktail (I've always wondered if the testosterone has had an effect on his behavior).
Anyway - am looking forward to a stellar 2015. The girls and I are going to build a giant fort in the living room on New Years Eve and "camp" indoors.
The past couple of weeks- I have really noticed a difference in my feelings. Since I dropped the rope, I knew logically that I would be ok. I knew that I would do every thing possible to make things right with the kids. But now I feel like I have turned a corner and accepted emotionally that I am going to be ok.
Since the BD, I've been functional, I've done the best that I can. But there's no question that I've felt like I am just putting one foot in front of the other most days. Now I actually feel some energy coming back. I find that I can focus on other topics for extended periods of time (great for work). Today I changed my federal withholding to "Head of Household" with some additional deductions, and it felt great, instead of being a bummer!
I'm sure this is temporary. I must have more dips coming my way. But I feel the feisty Raliced coming back (I've felt on hold since the summer of 2012 due to STBX's depression and generally moody behavior).
Nothing much going on. Just a story about laundry.
Throughout our marriage, STBX would never let me do his laundry. Ever. I repeatedly volunteered and was denied. He always did it himself and his method was to throw a giant load of everything, of all colors and textures into the washer (which could barely handle such a large load) and wash it all at once. It turned into a small issue because we could never seem to coordinate a schedule. I would be ready to do the rest of the household laundry and would open up the washer to find his giant load in there or in the dryer and vise versa. It was one of those things that I wrote off to just being too small to make an issue of.
Since the separation, when he returns the girls, all of their clothes have been washed. I asked him nicely once to not do that (the smell of the detergent they use makes me sneeze and a pair of D6's pants were ruined), but he ignored me and the clothes continue to be returned freshly laundered.
Somehow the issue of laundry came up with D6 and she announced that Lisa does all the laundry at Daddy's place because its Lisa's house (empahsis is D6s).
I had to just chuckle. I know this sounds like a ridiculously small thing (and it is), but these little changes in behavior are mystifying to me.
Just channeling my inner Doris Day and singing Que Sera, Sera in my head.
Next week I will have to ask him for a status update on the divorce papers. Would really like to get them signed off before tax season, when he will realize he what owes the IRS for the retirement account he cashed out and that he will have no deductions other than his standard personal one.
Raliced, your story about the laundry is so funny! (sorry her name is Lisa)
I was doing my own laundry today (before reading your post) and was thinking about how I always did WAH's laundry. I mean, always. And I hated doing it but I felt I had to in order to be a good wife. So today when I was doing my own laundry I suddenly wondered whether he likes doing his laundry now or if he wishes I was still taking care of that for him.
Funny the little things that come up with these situations we are in.
You might be the first person on these boards to ever complain about having laundry done for you!!
The dips in the rollercoaster will still keep coming. The difference is how far they dip and how long they last. I have noticed that in the last few weeks I have been doing things because I enjoy them and being around people I want to be around. Prior to that I was doing things because GAL is part of DB, and being around people was better than being alone.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
So prior to BD I never did the laundry, not because I wasn't willing but because my wife insisted she likes doing it and EVERY time I did any there was some kind of criticism over how I had done it wrong.
W felt the laundry was getting on top of her and I felt I wasn't allowed to do it.
Post BD it all gets split fairly equally and occasionally my wife still tells me I've done something wrong but I just thank her for the telling me.
Amazing how laundry can be such a big issue
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Good lord I have to comment on the laundry. My xh turned on the washing machine once about 5 years ago (when we got new washer). He then was going to turn it on before he moved out, and he had no clue how to do so. Literally. Zero. Now, I'm sure he's figured it out:-)
Hope 2015 goes well for you. Focus on you and your girls' laundry:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Another laundry story? My H asked me to stop doing his laundry because I didn't do it correctly. I am not sure if I didn't hold my pinky up when turning on the washer or what. But that was fine by me, have at it, H.
Ha! who knew laundry was such a hot topic! I believe that when STBX banned me from doing his laundry, the stated reason was that he wasn't the kind of guy that needed his wife to do his luandry for him. Secretly, I thought he was embarassed about the general smelliness of it all. Anyway - its funny to me that he is now willing to let OW do his laundry.
Not having to arrange my laundry cycle around his is just one of the little reliefs of not having to cohabitate with another adult.
I know I've mentioned that I'm not at the point where I wonder if I would ever find a meaningful marriage again. But in all honesty, I have wondered if I could ever go through the necessary adjustments to merge households and live with someone again and frankly is seems pretty unappealing at the moment.
My H was always a bit of a nuisance when it came to doing laundry. He would see 'doing laundry' as putting it in the machine and turning it on - nothing else. So, I would get nasty surprises of washing that was 'done' but just sitting wet in the machine. H then away for work and I would have to deal with it..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I know I've mentioned that I'm not at the point where I wonder if I would ever find a meaningful marriage again. But in all honesty, I have wondered if I could ever go through the necessary adjustments to merge households and live with someone again and frankly is seems pretty unappealing at the moment.
Raliced,^^^^^^^^^^
Yes, I think that quite often. I don't mean that in a defeatist manner either-rather quite factually. I do believe everyone here can and will love again. However, I do think some things in regards to future Rs are permanently altered(and I don't mean new and better behaviors and communications). Time will tell. I make you have a crowded bed as I do and at this moment, it's difficult for me to imagine that changing. Time will tell.
You are doing great:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I know I've mentioned that I'm not at the point where I wonder if I would ever find a meaningful marriage again. But in all honesty, I have wondered if I could ever go through the necessary adjustments to merge households and live with someone again and frankly is seems pretty unappealing at the moment.
I ASSUME I'll be in a meaningful marriage someday... In good time. Just because knowing and loving someone that way is something I want to do with my life. But I'll do it VERY differently next time, linger and savor over the process and be sure we're working together.
I used to find the laundry totally overwhelming. Since I quit doing H's it has seemed manageable (I did every scrap of it since we were first married and he ruined two pairs of my dress pants...) I wonder why just taking his out of the equation made it so much easier?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
raliced -- I hear you! The thought of living with another person (knowing how that can lead to the slow death of a relationship) is not appealing to me in the least. But do yourself a favor, and promise yourself that you will stay open to what life has in store for you. You may be surprised. Also, your next partner will not be your current H, and you have likely learned a lot from this experience that you can apply to future relationships. But, yes, you would also be fine on your own -- and that's nice to realize!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks Ahoy! I like to think that I would be open to new experiences and relationships. I'm just nowhere near there yet. I am a practical creature by nature. When I think about merging households, the romantic portion isn't even entering into the equation. I'm thinking about how much I love this house (it was purchased with the idea of living in it for the next 40 years - and I'm not giving up on that dream regardless of what happened with STBX), how its furnished just the way I like with lots of sentimental pieces from parents, granparents and other dear family members, probably a few too many pets etc., and its just hard to think of potentially altering any of that, or mixing finances or changing household routines, etc.
Then truthfully, I can't imagine exposing my daughters to any more changes for years. Who knows what is going to happen with their father? I say this without rancor, the odds of his current relationship working out are not good. Other than the oft quoted statistics, his family is not accepting of the relationship, they work together, I imagine the divorce causes stress on their end too, etc. So if it ends, what happens? He moves somewhere else, which the girls have to adjust to or potentially has another relationship. I guess I feel like its extra important for me to be stable and predictable while he's working through whatever he works through. I've had the thought that if this relationship burns out, he might even decide to move out of state since he claims to hate it here (he's crazy by the way - its an awesome place to live).
Not that there aren't possibilities. I think I'm giving up some sort of scent (eau de divorce?), I haven't been hit on this much since the 90s. I'm just not up for anything right now, and can't envision being so for a long time.
Well, I haven't noticed the amount of laundry decreasing since H left, but for some reason, the toilet paper seems to last longer! We were constantly running out of TP before and I attributed it to having a preschooler who probably takes more than he needs. But nope! I don't think our TP has ever lasted this long! Maybe we an MLC/Toilet Paper category too!
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
raliced -- I felt the same way about my house -- I personally did all the work on it to fix it up, scraped off every inch of wallpaper, repainted every inch, furnished it with care, sewed drapes. And now? Six months later? I am walking away from this house that I thought I might spend the rest of my life in -- happily walking away. And I plan to sell everything that isn't a family heirloom in terms of furnishings -- cheaper than moving. And the release that has given me has been great. It's a lesson in letting go for me, of not being afraid of starting from scratch, of not being attached to objects, ideas, my plans for the future. It took a while for me to get here though. Also, I hear you about wanting to provide a stable place for your kids, and I see why that might be the most important reason for you to keep your house as it is. I agree that you are likely the most stable and sane of the two of you right now. I too am working to provide a stable plan for my D14 for the next 4 years, but that happens to take me out of state and into a new life. This will be a year of transitions for many of us, I suspect. Wishing you strength and peace for the New Year!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Then truthfully, I can't imagine exposing my daughters to any more changes for years. Who knows what is going to happen with their father? I say this without rancor, the odds of his current relationship working out are not good.
I guess I feel like its extra important for me to be stable and predictable while he's working through whatever he works through.
Raliced I understand this completely. I'd actually like to have another R, but just don't see that happening anytime soon. So far H has stuck to the agreement not to expose the kids to the duck, but that won't last forever. And then if they don't make it that will be another change. And who knows how many GFs he might parade in front of them. Someone has to be stable, and I'm the only one I can count on. So unless Mr. Perfect lands in my lap, I'll have to wait it out for a while.
The theme of this week seems to be tough times with D6.
She seems to be under the impression that if I just tell Daddy that I miss him that he will come home and has stated this repeatedly. She also shared that she thought the only reason that he is staying with OW is because she was lonely living all by herself. It's really hard to respond to all this in a way that doesn't make him look bad. I try to answer briefly and then go right into emphasizing how much he loves her.
I got myself a corny little necklace for Christmas (from Santa)of a mother figure with two children. D6 took one look at it and said - "There's no Daddy".
Yesterday her teacher sent home a thank you note addressed to "D6 and Family" for the Christmas gift we gave her. D6 wanted to give it to her dad, and I said it wasn't necessary since he didn't give the present and wouldn't know what it was about. So she immediately wailed that it was addressed to D6 and Family. Crum. I hate that I can't make this one better for her. Gotta watch what I say more closely.
Anyway- I'm coaching her Pee Wee basketball team and our first practice is tonight. Unlike soccer, at least I actually played basketball in my youth. Looking forward to showcasing my skills in front of a bunch of 1st and 2nd graders on that 6 foot rim!
Pee Wee hoops sounds like fun! My kids gave me a body spray advertised as "irresistable" to any man. Unfortunately, Ryan Gosling doesn't live in the hood. However, I'll let everyone know if this mesmerizing spray works.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Pee Wee hoops sounds like fun! My kids gave me a body spray advertised as "irresistable" to any man. Unfortunately, Ryan Gosling doesn't live in the hood. However, I'll let everyone know if this mesmerizing spray works.
Body spray hasn't been a game changer. I'll keep everyone posted:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
