Card: I'm sorry to hear your W has decided upon this. You can still make your positive 180s and GAL for yourself and your daughter. It ain't over until it's over.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Any advice out there for how to handle the Christmas thing? Of course I want D2 to have Christmas morning with her mom and dad, but, what, are we supposed to wake up and drive to the other person's house first thing in the morning in years that neither of us are living with an SO? Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead.
And I don't think D2 really cares this year...I mean, she's two. She's going to be excited about presents. She doesn't understand the tradition yet. I just want to tell WAW, "This is what you're giving up."
I still can't believe she can't make a conscious decision to try. Look at the wealth of resources and expertise out there, all of which says our problems are fixable. Look at the rewards for fixing them. Realize that you have a H who is very patient and non-controlling. I understand the emotions, but just put your faith in something other than your emotions and grab the hand of the people who have been through it and who help people through it. Trust something other than your own emotions.
...had to get that out somewhere. Hopeless to try to actually convince her of that.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Hi card. Sorry your so down. At the moment your W wants to be away from you. A alot of us are in the same boat. It's mind bending trying to understand why but it is what it is I completely agree about the resources available but that's not what she wants.
Keep on becoming the best person you can be for you and your D. Hopefully your W will see what see is losing but she has to see it. You can't show her.
I'm in a similar place to you and it's crap but it can't last forever We will be happy again one day no matter what happens
I have to voice my disagreement with a sentiment that some people here seem to share. It seems that some think one of our goals should be to become independently happy apart from anyone else, from relying on anyone else. I do agree that we should avoid codependency, but I also believe our purpose is to love and be loved. I re-watched Brene Brown's Power of Vulnerability speech today. Every second of those 20 minutes resonates with me. And I don't get the message of "make yourself happy and you'll be strong and nearly invincible" from it. There is definitely an element of independence in her talk, because being vulnerable means believing from the outset, without the need of confirmation from others, that you are worthy of love even with your flaws vulnerably exposed.
I am naturally an independently happy person. This caused me to believe I did't need others to feel happiness. Now I'm in the darkest era of my life and I'm realizing the flaws in my thinking. I want to warn others because I WAS fiercely independent during our M, and I think it clouded my vision within our M (how do I not know my W is so unhappy that she is considering leaving?). I got so used to providing my own happiness and just accepting any love W showed me as a bonus that I was fine going months without intimacy, without intimate conversation, without fun activities, without quality time. I was fine simply coexisting because I was providing my own happiness, completely ignorant of her own emotional starvation. And I don't believe it is healthy to provide your own happiness, fulfill your spouses needs, and not expect/require/rely on the same fulfillment from your spouse. That is exactly what I did and it ended up aiding in the destruction of my M, even though I was very, very happy. I thought that happiness came from within me and from my faith in God, but now that I've lost W, I realize in hindsight that much of it really did come from her. From the belief that she loved me, regardless of my flaws.
I know many on this board can't expect that return from their S or SO right now due to the nature of their current R. This is just a general warning and piece of advice, whether you can use it now or not in your primary R. I also know that I'm not contending with the consensus of the board, or anything. I've just seen this sentiment around and wanted to give my take on it.
This is a stream of consciousness, so I hope it makes sense.
Last edited by Card29; 12/11/1409:24 PM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Very depressing rant here, skip if you're not in the mood to read anything like that.
Not enjoying life this morning. It's not so much about my W (who is apparently actively looking for dates. She said she has been "talking to people" but not really dating anyone, whatever that means). That still hurts, but it's more about finally meeting the reality of my lifelong dream crumbling. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted a wife and family, and divorce was pretty much the worst thing in the world to me. I knew I would NEVER get a divorce and I would work through anything that ever happened. I even knew I would want to stay married through an affair if that happened. Instead I was hit upside the head with a 2x4, and before I knew what happened, my W was gone, 1/2 of my D2's childhood was taken from me, and my prospects for anymore kids (I always wanted 3 or 4) were greatly diminished. Let's see, IF things go "smoothly", I will be divorced by the summer, then I'll need at least a year, maybe two, to begin seriously dating again. Then IF I've met the right girl, I would need to date for at least a couple of years to be sure I wanted to marry her, because God knows I don't need to go through this again. Then we would probably wait at least a year or two to get pregnant. That puts me in me mid-to-late 30's. That's assuming it doesn't take me years to find the right mate, which many people do.
To be honest, this has been my dream for so long (since I was 10 or 12 years old), I don't currently see the point in anything. I failed at my primary dream, I never really had major career aspirations, my primary hobbies haven't been fulfilling to me in at least a couple of years, my closest friend lives 3,000 miles away, I haven't seen him in 2 years and I'll almost certainly never live near him again (he moved back to the west coast with his family, where they were from, after he finished seminary here).
I have tons of family around me, but they're not the greatest support network. For one thing, almost none of them share the same sacred view of marriage that I do. All of my aunts and uncles have been divorced, several of my cousins have. And many of them never really loved WAW, because they knew she didn't treat me very well (especially a few years ago, when I fell out of love with her, if you go back and read my story). I'm about to hand over the keys of my dream house and move into my mom's basement, which is already crammed with my sister's furniture (she is traveling for her career right now). I thought I might stay at my mom's house for a year or so and save money, but I don't think I'm going to last that long.
I know I'm in the midst of this crisis and I'll probably feel better someday, but right now I really don't see the point in all of this. I feel like my life is already over, and although I know I won't be in this amount of pain for the rest of my life, it's like I'm just waiting for everything to be over. No, I'm not suicidal or anything, and yes I know I probably won't feel like this forever. I'm just hating life this morning. I probably need to finally see an IC to help me deal with my life dream falling apart, right?
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Card, as someone who is about to turn 50, your timeline and analysis that your life is basically going to be over by mid-30s made me cringe . I had my first baby at 30, my second at 33, my third at 37. I have friends who had kids up into their 40s. I understand what you are saying, that your life is not going according to the schedule you originally thought, and that's disappointing and frustrating, you see your plans and dreams slipping away. But you are very young yet, there's a lot of time for something good to happen. Just relax and let it.
Any advice out there for how to handle the Christmas thing? Of course I want D2 to have Christmas morning with her mom and dad, but, what, are we supposed to wake up and drive to the other person's house first thing in the morning in years that neither of us are living with an SO? Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead.
Yes, you are thinking too far ahead. Decide what you want to do this year, then you have a whole year to figure out the next one. One step at a time.
. I had my first baby at 30, my second at 33, my third at 37. I have friends who had kids up into their 40s. I understand what you are saying, that your life is not going according to the schedule you originally thought, and that's disappointing and frustrating, you see your plans and dreams slipping away. But you are very young yet, there's a lot of time for something good to happen. Just relax and let it.