Jefe - Climbing out of the mire - #8

[Jefe]

Old Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2515379#Post2515379

Wanting to begin the journey of getting out of this boggy mire that space between my ears has become.

[twinmom]

Ok, so even though everyone has told you to GAL you just aren't doing it. Soooooooooooooo, how do you spend your day? What is your routine?
I had assumed your wife might be the breadwinner because I don't remember you posting about work. Do you work full time?

When my H was living with OW I kept myself so busy as soon as the kids went to bed I crashed too (I was also pregnant with 4 kids so tired anyway) but my point is I was go go go every second so that 1.) I didn't think about H as much 2.) Could sleep at night.

For me I coupon, like the insane spend $1 get $100 worth of stuff and lots of times the store pays me, lol.... well I amped this up even more, I started making $$$ with apps on my phone, I started doing mystery shops (I now make $200/wk just doing mystery shops)

Point being I took something I was already good at and threw myself head first into it and expanded to new things. And making money was nice as I am a stay at home mom. When H left I was working part time but my profession is all contract work and I knew it was ending quickly so I was going back to being a stay at home mom and would need $$$$$ and something to keep me busy.

I KNOW just chillin with the kids will make your mind go directly to your wife. The kids remind you of the family that doesn't exist right now. This is the hardest thing for me NOW. You need something besides the kids to occupy the space between your ears.

Anything you are slightly interested in? Become an expert.....
I SERIOUSLY considered going back to school to get my master's degree...... then realized I would be attempting this with 5 kids and didn't want to overwhelm myself. But for you maybe advancing your career would be an ego boost for you which I think you are in need of.

[Jefe]

Moved from old thread:

I agree with, Peter.

Your controlling tendencies are showing, big time and yet you do nothing to control what you can control.

Do you know what income she has? How can you make that equitable? Do you want a S agreement? You need a visitation agreement, or rather your kids need a visitation agreement.

You're overwhelmed because you're trying to fix this and you can't, that's a given. You're like the little Dutch boy trying to plug all the holes.

Stop!

Let go and Let God. Remember that one?

You made me cry! I LOVE the little Dutch boy story, my great grandmother had that book at her house and every time I would go there she would read it to me. He was "just big enough" (I am very small) when she passed away she left this book to me. It has such special meaning :-)

Sorry to hijack!

I agree with, Peter.

Your controlling tendencies are showing, big time and yet you do nothing to control what you can control.

Do you know what income she has? How can you make that equitable? Do you want a S agreement? You need a visitation agreement, or rather your kids need a visitation agreement.

You're overwhelmed because you're trying to fix this and you can't, that's a given. You're like the little Dutch boy trying to plug all the holes.

Stop!

Let go and Let God. Remember that one?

[Jefe]

Twin, I will answer your questions tonight because I want to take time and think before I answer. Thank you for sticking with me. I value that.


Labug,

Yes, I know perfectly what income she has. I have no clue how to make it any more equitable than I already have with-out being controlling about it, and I refuse to do that. What this separation has taught me about our money is that I'm no better than she is when it comes to the mishandling of it. I have finally seen that our finincial strength worked best together as a team and not because I'm am so financially brilliant. (amends needed here)

Do I want a S agreement? Not at all. As a matter of fact along the lines of Letting go and letting God, the mediator meeting we had scheduled for next week got moved to next year by some unforeseen events with the mediator. That's God at work right there. I do agree we need to work out some sort of visitation agreement for the girls sake if nothing else, though.

Yes, I am a fixer. No I can't fix this. Yes I am overwhelmed. Yes I need to focus on what I can control. No I don't exactly know how to do that. Yes, I'm willing to learn.

And, BTW, The Little Dutch Boy has very special meaning to me too. I need to find my/a copy so I can start reading it to my girls.

[SunnyB]

Do I want a S agreement? Not at all. As a matter of fact along the lines of Letting go and letting God, the mediator meeting we had scheduled for next week got moved to next year by some unforeseen events with the mediator. That's God at work right there. I do agree we need to work out some sort of visitation agreement for the girls sake if nothing else, though.

Jefe, honey, take this with love. You don't want S agreement because you don't want to be S, and that's sticking your head in the sand. Believe me, this is coming from the Queen Ostrich, I get it. But I have a S agreement and there's zero legal about it, but it means H and I discussed things ahead of time, finances, parenting, length of S, etc. etc. I'm not flying by the seat of my pants, and the drama is running low. Wouldn't that be a breath of fresh air in your life?

Having a S agreement does NOT mean that I haven't let go. I don't know what will happen after the S. God knows. He hasn't shown me yet, but it's going to be something good, I swear. The other day Maybell said she was no longer praying for reconciliation. I gave that up a long time ago. What I pray, multiple times a day, is, in part: God, thank you that your gracious hand of favor is upon me. Thank you for where you have put me right now. I'm trusting in you, my future is in your hands....."

Don't link a S agreement with lack of faith. They aren't the same.

[Jefe]

Interesting. The wife took time out of her day to drive over here and bring me a birthday card.

I had assumed your wife might be the breadwinner because I don't remember you posting about work. Do you work full time?

I have been self employed for the last 16 months. The business was supposed to be a "we" thing and my wife even cut back on her hours in late June to jump into the business which never really manifested itself. In the first month or so of the of the separation she was 100% engaged in the family and I really thought we'd be back together by mid Sept. She would help with the girls anytime I needed her to so I could work. By the end of Sept she she had completely abandoned the kids meaning I needed to squeeze my jobs in between 8:30-3:30 so I could pick up the girls. Before the S I had more work than I knew what to do with and the business was growing well. Since, I do enough to keep us clothed, fed and other basics. The time factor along with my PMA and other factors have really eaten into my earning ability. Not to mention my heart is just not in it anymore. So trying to find a full time gig that works around family, again.

Soooooooooooooo, how do you spend your day? What is your routine?
When my H was living with OW I kept myself so busy as soon as the kids went to bed I crashed too (I was also pregnant with 4 kids so tired anyway) but my point is I was go go go every second so that 1.) I didn't think about H as much 2.) Could sleep at night.

5:30AM Up and get myself ready, load the truck, get lunches made and kids fed & ready and out the door by 7. Their school is a charter school so it's about 30 minutes away then we have to wait in line for drop off another 10-15 minutes.
Then I work during the middle
3:30ish I need to be at the school, in line to pick them up.
4:30 we are home, snacks made, clothes changed, unwind. 1 hour of TV for the girls invoice and computer time for dad.
5:30-7:00 is homework, prepare dinner, eat. (We eat at the table as a family) etc.
7:00-8:00 is snuggle time or game time, or bath time or a combination of all 3.
Girls in bed no later than 8:30.
9:00 - I drop - Clean the house, do laundry, do dishes, clean out truck/trailer, check in on Grandmother and tend to her needs, practice for up-coming worship schedule, etc, etc.

Boring and not much GAL.

I KNOW just chillin with the kids will make your mind go directly to your wife. The kids remind you of the family that doesn't exist right now. This is the hardest thing for me NOW. You need something besides the kids to occupy the space between your ears.

Yes! They remind me indirectly and directly. My 5 year old asks every day, "What time is mommy coming home?" We've explained it to her and she asks every day.

This just scratched the surface and doesn't cover all of your post, but it's what I got right now.

[Jefe]

Jefe, honey, take this with love. You don't want S agreement because you don't want to be S, and that's sticking your head in the sand. Believe me, this is coming from the Queen Ostrich, I get it. But I have a S agreement and there's zero legal about it, but it means H and I discussed things ahead of time, finances, parenting, length of S, etc. etc. I'm not flying by the seat of my pants, and the drama is running low. Wouldn't that be a breath of fresh air in your life?

Having a S agreement does NOT mean that I haven't let go. I don't know what will happen after the S. God knows. He hasn't shown me yet, but it's going to be something good, I swear. The other day Maybell said she was no longer praying for reconciliation. I gave that up a long time ago. What I pray, multiple times a day, is, in part: God, thank you that your gracious hand of favor is upon me. Thank you for where you have put me right now. I'm trusting in you, my future is in your hands....."

Don't link a S agreement with lack of faith. They aren't the same.

I know, Rpp. I'm trying.

Oh, and BTW. You look good today, babe.

[SunnyB]

Oh, and BTW. You look good today, babe.

Why, thank you. As a matter of fact, I do . D12 has a chorus performance tonight and I look nice. I have no clue if H will show, he hasn't chosen to give me notice, but fact is, I don't care.

[twinmom]

Jefe...... in the middle of cooking dinner.... rocking out to Pandora.... Wilson Phillips "hold on" Google the lyrics... I don't have time to post now, will get back to you later. I have a few suggestions for you

[Hope414]

Hi Jefe,

Again, I have to break with some of the advice given by others. I strongly encourage you not do anything making you uncomfortable.

If you are not comfortable with a separation agreement then do not participate. There doesn't appear to be a legal reason for the document so it seems mostly ceremonial.

When making decisions ask yourself the following:

Can I live with the decision I am making if the worst-case scenario occurs?

And I want you to truly consider the worst-case scenario with every decision. It will help you get clarity.

For example (and I give this example because I am pretty confident this will not happen) you want to take a drink tonight. Are you prepared to live with the worst-case scenario? The worst-case scenario is this drink triggers the addictive mechanism in your brain and you can never stop drinking ever again. You end up losing your business, your children and any chance you will ever have with your wife. You are despondent, get in your truck, drive to the liquor store, and end up running over a child. You go to jail for vehicular manslaughter.

This is the worst-case scenario. That one drink had meaning. It is no longer a drink...it was the rest of your life.

I know you understand this because this is what is taught in recovery. Defining consequences of rash behavior.

So when making decisions right now...use the same process. Consider everything in light of the worst-case scenario instead of the best-case scenario.

I know you are hurt. Anyone in your shoes would be hurt right now.

The important thing is to stay focused while dealing with your hurt.

Hang in there. I know I've said it before but you really are doing better than you think you are.