KGirl - one year later

[KGirl]

Old thread is locked:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...291#Post2515291

Nothing else to say right now but wanted to be ready!

[labug]

Hmm... Bug, I'll have to think on your post on the driving thing some more. I thought about it the whole way home and all I could come up with was: sometimes that's the case, and sometimes it's not, and maybe the key is knowing when it is the case vs. isn't.

I agree, in part.

For example, I work at a university with college students, and a lot of what I do philosophically is about the educational experience, learning life lessons, and holding people accountable for their actions. A student emailed me last week about how she needed 4 very specific classes to graduate but three of them were closed, and wanted to know what I could do to get her into them. I looked at her history and she waited 3 weeks to enroll in classes from when she could have. Had she enrolled 3 weeks ago she would have gotten into all of them. This student has a pretty lengthy history of not doing things until the last minute, asking someone to fix it for her, someone will fix it, but then note "I told the student that in the future people wouldn't be so accommodating when she does not plan ahead." But, every time people accommodated her anyway. We talk a lot about setting students up for adult life after this, and this is in no way being helpful - you can't walk into your primary doctor's office and say "I would like to see the doctor today for my regular exam." Could I have tried to push to get this girl into some of those classes? Possibly. Am I going to? No, this is not something I should be spending my time on. Her failure to plan shouldn't constitute my emergency. But now she's furious and complaining to anyone who will listen that I won't help her. I don't know if that made sense, to summarize: isn't it sometimes appropriate and necessary to enforce consequences? One of my past supervisors said it very well: "In our job, we have the power to take away consequences for people... that doesn't mean we should do it often or regularly."

Absolutely it's necessary to enforce boundaries. The student in your story trampled a (blurry)boundary and expected no consequences. She'd actually been programmed to expect no consequences. Grace is sometimes good but it's no longer grace if it happens over and over. But here's the thing, there doesn't have to be blame and shame. She made a mistake, there are consequences. Done. Her complaining to others or continuing to ask for leniency isn't your problem.

She may learn something from this experience, she may not. Again, not your issue (yes, it may be but I think you get what I mean)

You had boundaries with your H, he continued to ignore those boundaries. You sometimes allowed him to ignore those boundaries. It's not that he's a bad person, or an idiot necessarily, he just doesn't have what it takes to be in a successful R with you (as defined by your needs and your boundaries)

You can blame him for not doing the work to stay married to you but that won't change anything. He can blame you for not being able to accept him just as he is. It's like a revolving door and I don't want you to get stuck there because at some point we have to get to forgiveness.

We're all brought to these life events by decisions we made along the way. Some were good, and some we knew at the time were a little shaky. I think we learn more by taking stock of those decisions and learning what we need to learn to improve our lives rather trying to pin blame on another person.

Does that help?

[labug]

I read this just today. It fits this discussion:
"We either use our limited stories about ourselves and others as grist for the mill to refine us, or we use it to fuel the fire of our despair and misery." Lynn Forrest

[KGirl]

Thank you, bug. Yes, that really does help. Looking back, there were various points where I made decisions, or didn't make decisions when maybe I should have, that lead to this. Hopefully things I can now recognize and not repeat. I think one of the things I said recently in terms of not wanting to repeat this was being with someone who loves me without me having to pressure them.. they want to be with me because they want to be with me. And, if they cross my boundaries, I need to be able to be firm and let them go, instead of thinking "well, I'm so desperate to keep this person I'll just let it slide, even though it's so upsetting to me" and then the distrust just builds and builds to the point where something has to give.

I am meeting H Sunday to sign the filing paperwork and pick up a few things at the house. I'm not sure what, if anything, I need to say. I kind of think nothing at this point. I said my piece on the phone a few weeks ago about how this is not what I want but I won't stand in his way. I don't need to repeat that, I also don't want to have friendly chit-chat. But just thinking about seeing him makes me anxious and puts a knot in my stomach/makes it hard to breathe. I haven't even seen him since.. August, I think? I'm pretty scared, to be honest. I just want this all to go away and be done and not have to see him or talk to him to do it. I suppose I could hire a lawyer to do that but I can't afford to pay someone hundreds of dollars an hour to take paperwork to get signed and photocopied - not being stressed is important but I think I'd rather be anxious and scared than spend thousands of dollars and go into debt. Sigh.

[Maybell]

Kgirl, you've been amazing beyond your years through this process. I'm sorry this is the place where you are but I think you have a tremendous future in front of you. Thank you so much for all the times you've been so kind and helpful. I hope Sunday goes well -- I'll be thinking of you!!!!

[KGirl]

Thanks, Maybell I kept secretly hoping that I would not be one of the ones that ended up D'ed, that I would totally be one of the ones who got back together, it would just take time (because, all those other times he came back, this would just be another one of those times, so I thought.) I guess it's still possible. But con't to hope that isn't really helpful - just makes it harder each time another step happens in that direction. I know people also say it's possible to R after D, but so far all the examples I've seen have involved kids where you have to regularly interact with each other. Hard to imagine that happening when we'll have 0 contact.

[Maybell]

The good news though is that I know a BUNCH of people who married & divorced in their twenties who ended up with very enviable lives by the time I knew them. Those people are all really grounded and firm in what they want, chose their partners very wisely, and have a much more generous attitude towards their spouses, children, and others than people like me who had it too easy early on and are having to learn these lessons later or after a longer, more eventful marriage. In a way you are set for life by having to go through this.

I hope that doesn't sound callous, because I know you're hurting. The silver lining is there, though and I really believe that your growth now will make your life amazing very, very soon.

Hugs to you, KGirl!!

[Lorelai]

Kgirl,

I too am marveled by your strength. I'm very sorry for what you're feeling, but like Maybell said you have a great future ahead of you! I know you're gong to be OK!

[labug]

Thank you, bug. Yes, that really does help. Looking back, there were various points where I made decisions, or didn't make decisions when maybe I should have, that lead to this. Hopefully things I can now recognize and not repeat. I think one of the things I said recently in terms of not wanting to repeat this was being with someone who loves me without me having to pressure them.. they want to be with me because they want to be with me. And, if they cross my boundaries, I need to be able to be firm and let them go, instead of thinking "well, I'm so desperate to keep this person I'll just let it slide, even though it's so upsetting to me" and then the distrust just builds and builds to the point where something has to give.

This is so strong!

You've come so far and it's been tough work. You've had to challenge a lot of your thinking but look where you are today.

You aren't a failure by any means, you're a survivor. And perhaps now you can step out and find the life you're really meant to be living.

Don't stop growing.

((( )))

[KGirl]

Thanks, everyone. Trying to keep those thoughts in mind on days like today where I feel like the opposite. Meeting H at the house later today to sign the filing paperwork and pick up a few things that I had left at the house. Feeling uncertain about whether this is the right thing to do, but not sure that the alternatives are any better. In my state you either file a joint petition to start the filing process (both parties sign, no one is served) or a single petition/summons (where one person has to sign but then the other has to go through the process of being served and then responding to it). It states in the instructions that you use the joint petition when both parties agree the marriage is irretrievably broken, and then I also have to sign and checking saying "this marriage is irretrievably broken." The alternative would be a petition that H would start/sign and then have to be served to me by a sheriff or someone similar. While I don't necessarily agree the marriage is irretrievably broken (maybe the exact terminology is a moot point? I do think there's no going back to what it was before), I also don't want to have to be served paperwork and fall under the "contested" divorce category, either. I had told H that if he was going to do this, I would agree to sign the joint petition but would not do any of the legwork (making copies, turning them in etc.) nor would I pay the filing or attorney fees to review it. Can I still feel personally that I don't agree with this and still sign the joint petition, and just do this as simply as possible from a legal aspect? Or am I going against my own values by doing so? I'm not sure. It's also interesting this is almost exactly (one day off) a year from when this all started - strangely fitting.